CHEATING

ericagray

Has anyone been in a relationship, in my case marriage (for 1.5 months) and been cheated on and lied to? Do you have kids? Would you stay, because you have kids? If this has happened to you, did you stay? How did you make it possible? If you left, how did you get on your feet?

LMPMOM4

My husband and I both agree we have a no tolerance policy for cheating. I don't think we could ever recover. I would leave. But, I have known marriages to survive infidelity. With a lot of work. It's all individual.

randomtai

Run far away and never look back.

bahacca

If you mean full on sexual relationship cheating, this is the 1 condition I would leave, no questions asked. I'd take my girls and go. And my husband would do the same if I were to ever do that to him. And I'd leave if I didn't have kids as well.

I know of several people who have left spouses for various reasons and they got back on their feet. Some, ti took more time than others, but I've never once heard anyone REGRET leaving.

If it was something like sexting, overall lying, etc, then I'd evaluate based on how well i knew my partner, if they would go to counseling to find out WHY they were doing this, etc.

That said, my grandma stayed with my grandpa after he cheated on her. I obviously didn't find this out until i was older, but, I also have to keep in mind, her leaving with 5 kids in the '50s would have been a LOT different than it is now.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

wolfpack77

Staying together for children is not a good reason if the relationship is poisoned. If both parties can get over it, fine. But that rarely happens and the children will suffer anyways.

126siany

Has anyone been in a relationship, in my case marriage (for 1.5 months) and been cheated on and lied to? Do you have kids? Would you stay, because you have kids? If this has happened to you, did you stay? How did you make it possible? If you left, how did you get on your feet?

I've never been married, but yes I've been cheated on and lied to (they usually go hand in hand, don't they?). No, I didn't stay. Even when I lived with the loser for 6 years.

I was a lot younger and I didn't have a lot of savings. I called my parents and asked for a loan of $2K, which they thankfully gave me. That was enough (at the time) to pay first month's rent and buy a bed. I had a friend kind enough to help me move--I didn't have much besides my clothes, some kitchen stuff left over from college and an answering machine. Anything we'd bought together I simply left behind--I didn't want to spend months arguing over who deserved what. In fact, I took so little with me that it took him about 12 hours to realize I'd left his lying *kitten*!

I set up a monthly payment plan to repay my parents. I paid all but the last payment, when my dad said I'd been the only kid to ever even try to pay a loan, and not to worry about it any longer. I don't think he realized I was nearly paid off and was only skipping the last payment, but I can't complain.

ETA: I don't think I'd stay if I had kids, but it probably would have taken me longer to get out because of the additional challenges (expenses and the fact that he would have had some legal rights).

waronmyfat

you could go to marriae counseller and try and save your marriage.. find out why he cheated and lied to you in the first place.. if that doesnt work then tell the cheating *kitten* to get out .. and find someone who will appreciate you fully ... its not easy been a single mother its alot of hard work if your going to take that path but the big question is can you forgive him and learn to trust him again

tmanfromtexas

Never mind, I misread your post. I thought you had been together 1.5 years. Leave his ****ing *kitten*. There is NO excuse for that.

alleycat88

after being married for only 1.5 months, I would leave. I do not know how long you have been together, but you took a vow in front of god less than two months ago, and already there has been cheating? If it was me and this was how my first year of marriage was, then no, I wouldn't not stay. It doesn't promise well for the future.

If we had kids, had been married 10 years, and I could see true remorse and an agreement to seek counseling then MAYBE I would stay.. but would he stay? because I can promise you, I would be one jealous, suspicious wife after.

ItzPSGina62

You have been married for such a short time. I am sorry this happened to you. I am sure it is hart breaking. Nobody can really tell you what to do. It's what is in your heart to do. I honestly suggest therapy. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and have seen a lot of couples make it through difficult times.

ericagray

I was friends with his "ex" he dated her for about a month or two and it was a year before we met. I started becoming friends with her when her and I had gotten pregnant around the same time. I thought nothing of it to be friends with her. They both stated that they had no feelings for each other, and that was that, I TRUSTED both of them. Well, she stayed a night when my now husband was working night turn. It was fun to have a friend, who had a baby and understood what it was like. She had stayed two more times after that. The one time, she had stay and my husband got up to "get a drink". My reason for putting it that way is because you could set a bomb off and he wouldn't wake up. It was both times she stayed he needed a "drink" Well the first time she stayed he went down to get a drink and I went downstairs accusing him of doing stuff with her. Come to find out she tells me he tried to kiss her. The next time she stayed, we were all sleeping in the same bed, i was in the middle, this was before we were married, and I felt bad, and didn't want her sleeping on the couch, Well, i couldn't sleep and she ends up laying on his cheast, again, didn't think anything of it. We;;, she goes downstairs, and he follows, she then tells me that he asked her to have sex ith her in the downstairs bathroom. I had gone to sleep, because again,I trusted then. So the beginning of August, I went to the beach and he stayed home due to working, I took our 1yr old son with me, well two days after leaving drives 30 minutes to meet her at 10pm, to kiss her, and hold her down trying to get into her pants(her story, he only told me about the kiss) so the day I find out about this, I found porn on the history, so I called him at work and asked him about it he lied to me 3 timed before telling the truth, so I called my sister and asked her to come get me that I would like to stay with her for a few days, well in the meantime, he was texting my step cousin's gf and lying about who it was and deleting messages..I asked him about it and he said that he wanted to prove i go through his phone, and then the real reason was because he wanted attention. As he was trying to figure out where I was he calls my friend and asks he, I didn't tell her where I was, so she called me, and told me she had to tell me something, and I asked her what, and she said maybe I shouldn't tell you, well i begged her, and that's when i found out about what happened while i was away. So he called me, and is tarted screaming st him, asking him about what he did, he lied of course and demanded to know where i was, so my friend 3 wayed him, and he asked her why she couldn't keep her mouth shut.
So i went back to our apartment that night, and I cried all night, how could he do this to me?!
I decided i was going to stayed at my sisters for a few weeks, but of course we saw each other everyday, due to him wanting to see our son.
I am back at the apartment again, and in fact I spend the night at my sister's the other night because I'm not happy and I don't think I can find it in myself to forgive.
My mom on the other hand, feels we need to make it work and I'm full of ****, i am so happy, and she's giving me no choice but to stay. She says "porn is normal, nothing to worry about" and him talk to his mom about me is okay it will pass, and him calling me names and putting me down, that's okay and that will change. I'm just fed up.
We were going to counsiling, but I felt that he was putting too much focus on me and not trying to figure out why my husband did what he did, so i am looking for another, i just feel no amount of "help" will help.

and i will be honest, I am sometimes not the nicest to him, but everyone does stuff to make you mad, right?

tmauck4472

You married really young and I'm going to assume he's just as young. With that being said, I don't think he was ready for the marriage. If he was ready he would not have cheated.

But I think you two need to figure it out on your own, don't worry about what other think, you need to worry aobut what you and he want. I know I'd move out of his bed until I figured it out.


Never mind, just read your other post....leave him now and never look back. Don't worry about your mom, you have to do what you have to do for you and your son.

jennifermaffei17

There's a reason the saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater". That's because from a psychological perspective the person who cheated has impulse control issues and does not know how to keep rational in impulsive and tempting situations. Unless this person seeks therapy for advice on curbing impulsive behaviors, this person will continue to cheat in the future...may be with you or someone else but that won't go away on its own.

bahacca

You said he called you names and put you down. I don't know you, but what I do know is that NOONE has the right to call other people names or put them down-ESPECIALLY people they are supposed to love the most. Maybe you haven't been kind, but if someone brings that out in you, perhaps they aren't the best person for you to spend the rest of your life with.
I've been with my DH since I was 18--I'm now 34. I cannot recall EVER a time when we viciously called each other names or put each other down. The worst fight we had, I threw his laundry out of the dryer and all over the floor!LOL Everyone, IMO, DESERVES a relationship like this. Where we can get mad or frustrated or whatever with each other, but we work things out with RESPECT. From where I'm sitting, your relationship is lacking that.

sizzle92

Yes. My first marriage. He did it to get us both off the hook because he knew cheating was my limit. I wasn't into my first husband at all and we were miserable. We ended things when our son was 15 months old. I am now married to me soul mate. I ADORE him and fall in love with him more everyday. That being said, he cheats, it's over.

LordBear

cheating is cheatin...sexual or not and this soon in to the mariage? means hes probably been doing it for a long azz time already...l girl u are hot and doing good for urself..ditch is cheating azz cuz he dont deserveu..he needs his sack cut off.

bushidowoman

In my first marriage, I was cheated on. I had a toddler, and I was in nursing school. Very bad timing to move out on my own. I might have tried to work it out with him if he had been a good guy, had been repentant, had wanted to move forward...but no. He stayed out late drinking with his friends several times a week, I had to take care of everything around the house (while going to school full time and working every weekend), I caught him in many lies, and then when I confronted him about the cheating, he became physically abusive. I decided it would be better to be on my own than to put up with that crap.
It was bloody hard making it on my own at first. My daughter and I lived in a broken down rent house, and we barely survived while I was working weekends as a nurse's aide at the hospital. Eventually, a girl from my study group moved in to help split the bills. We made it.
Finally, I graduated and started my career, where I met the love of my life. We've been married for 13 years now. He's the total opposite of the ex. My life is better than I ever dreamed it could be.

ReyneDrop

Yes. I've been cheated on... 3 times now? Kind of? My policy is that if it happens once, I talk to them about it. Find out why. The actual act of cheating itself isn't awful. It's really the reason behind it that is irritating / possibly the deal breaker (at least in my opinion). The first one, it was my first boyfriend who raped me and then turned out to be cheating on me the whole time with my alleged best friend. That was when I was 14. There was no discussion. I just understood he didn't give a *kitten* about me. I was torn up because of everything he promised and my past, but I look back now and honestly I'm glad we never talked after...

The second was with a guy I was with for years. We were in a long-distance relationship. It was just a funny situation, and honestly I still can't blame him. It hurt, yes, but we resolved it... it didn't happen again, but we broke up for other reasons (one being the distance- he was 3k mi away).

The third was with an older guy I was with from overseas. He cheated on me with the girl he was in a relationship with 9 years prior to being with me. I was mad, obviously, but we were THOUSANDS of miles apart and he had some other issues. We resolved it and then broke up later on because my parents disapproved of his age/distance. Which *shrug*.

The man I'm with now is amazing. I love him so much! I don't think he will EVER cheat- he's had opportunities and hasn't taken them, plus he has been cheated on too and knows how awful it feels- but IF he does, the protocol is basically me asking what he is missing from me. It IS entirely possible that I've been more distant/less accessible lately and he's been lonely. Or whatever the issue is. I'd ask if he WANTS to be with me, and if the answer is yes, I'd expect him to be fully committed to me without room for another **** up.

I know, I've been cheated on 3 times so why think this is a great way? In my defense, none of the cheaters knew each other. The first was just an *kitten*, and I blame distance for the other 2 times. I don't think cheating is totally inexcusable, but I do think it's a big deal and needs to be talked out.

It's a balance of loving yourself and loving your partner that needs to be examined. If he doesn't love you and doesn't even WANT to love you (which, btw, means he is willing to work out all of his faults, too!), maybe it is the most loving decision to part ways, even if you have children. But I do think if you have kids, they should be considered... My dad recently cheated on my mom... For like 6 years... Long story, but they're still together and working things out, mostly I think because my dad realized he has an almost 7-year-old daughter and leaving Mom meant leaving all of us, and ultimately he could learn to love Mom again, too... Just saying, it IS possible for men to change heart and be somebody better. But I do consider that to be more extreme. If he's cheating on you after only a month of marriage, something is seriously wrong. Follow your heart, do what is best for YOU and your kids.

ericagray

Thanks everyone! He told me he had cheated because I wasn't being "as affectionate as he wanted"
I for one find that hard to believe, I mean, I felt I was affectionate with him even more than he wanted.
I just don't get why he would go to her, she was always mean to him! Anyway, like I said, he is willing
to go to counsling, but when I asked him to look someone else up ( we had been going to counsling
even before we had gotten married because he was being emotionally abusing and we were getting
Into physical fights) I had gotten no names, nothing. He didn't even attemp to call anyone. So here we
are almost 2 weeks without counsiling. He says he's willing to do "whatever it takes" to change and he
doesn't want my son's life being like mine, my parents were divorced. I just feel like I am sitting around
waiting for this to happen again. I have been telling him that I am not happy with him and he just keeps
telling me that I'm full of ****, and that I need to grow up and be a "mother& a wife" oh btw: the night I left
to go to my sisters, my son had a fever and was cranky, well before I left he went to sleep and I know there
Is nothing you can do about a fever other than sleep, I told him about calling and making a doctor appt
before I left and I would stay and go with them, nope didn't do that, so I left and stayed over night at my sisters
because at this point I was not feeling anything for him and I wanted out! Later than evening my son is crying
and stuff but his temp went down, josh wants me home, and I said no because he has had this controlling behavior
before and I wanted him to know he wasn't controlling me anymore. So he stays at his parents, I made him a dr appt
the next day, well I wanted to get my son as soon as he woke up and his mom said "no, I was told I could keep him
until 12:30-1:00" right along with that, she said I need to get medicated because I want to be with my husband then I don't.
Incorrect! I only went back to stay with him because everyone was pushing us to work this out.
My mom won't see anything other than we need to work it out. No matter what's he's done or what I tell her, I am
Truley convinced he has her brainwashed. The reason I being this up is because I have no support! My mom had also
told my sister to not let me stay with her, don't give me a place to run. So that is out of the question. I have no idea where
I would go.
Do I think he will do it again? Absolutley, if given the chance!
Another thing, I go to church almost every Sunday, and tonight I am going
to a bible study. He told me last night that he pretty much doesn't want me
Getting anymore involved than what I am. He doesn't want me to be a "bible nut"
and he doesn't want me to be one of those people that ask you for advise and they say
"I'll pray about it" he is an atheist by the way, that's one thing I hate too. I knew about it
when we were dating but I thought it would chance. For the person who asked, we we dating almost
2 years before we got married

laddyboy

This is why kids should not get married. You are only 19. Go live life, get your career going, then when you are in your 30's get married. You 2 still have a lot of growing up to do. I'm not being mean but I'm speaking from experience. I did the whole married at 20 thing. If he did it to your after only 1.5 months he'll do it again.

TavistockToad

Has anyone been in a relationship, in my case marriage (for 1.5 months) and been cheated on and lied to? Do you have kids? Would you stay, because you have kids? If this has happened to you, did you stay? How did you make it possible? If you left, how did you get on your feet?

you were cheated on 6 weeks into your marriage...!? i have now been married 3 months, and while i cant say for 100% certain what i would do, i am pretty sure i would kick him out! and that would be it... if he cant even keep it in his pants for a few weeks after being married what hope have u got in 10 years!? i dont think having keds is a good enough reason to stay... one happy parent is better than a miserable couple!