CHEATING
Replies
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he was being emotionally abusing and we were getting Into physical fights
leave him NOW
I agree with this. Don't stick around until he puts you in the hospital or worse, kills you. Don't stay until he starts emotionally and physically abusing your son. Don't stick around waiting for him to cheat again. Get out and don't look back. If you need help go to your local police department, they can and will give you all sorts of places that are equipped to help you get out of this situation.0 -
My opinion,
When cheating happens in a relationship, trust is automatically gone. You will spend the next several years, maybe even longer, trying to build that trust back up. It will never be the same relationship that you guys once had. Those negative thoughts will always be in the back of your head.
Honestly, in hearing your story, it might not be worth the time. You will end up with resentment towards your family, and especially him. You will always have this anger for what happen. I'm not trying to be mean, I am speaking from experience. I have asked myself the same exact questions you are asking yourself now. You must choose wisely, or you will end up wasting time and energy.
This is one of those decisions that will effect your life drastically either way, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I really know what your going through, more than I want to share for everyone to read.
Sometimes the best person to talk to is a stranger. An outsider.
If you need a supportive friend you are welcome to add me.
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LEAVE him! 1.5 months and he has already cheated~He is so NOT worth it! Goodbye loser! We have been married almost 10 years and have 1 child. If he ever cheated, I would be gone and the same goes for him if I did. We have a no cheating policy!0
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I don't know about your state, but in Mass, if you're married, you are no longer considered dependent upon your parents for financial support for college. I would get more information about this, if you're serious about going to college. You can probably get financial aid....in fact I actually started going to school but the financial aide office told me I had to be 24 to be considered independent? .....0
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My wife (13 years married), cheated on me with her boss. I was the last person to know and my best friend sat me down and told me my wife had told her (my best friend) when she was out drinking with her and got drunk. She actually seemed to be bragging about it. Straight after I heard this, I went to my wife and told her we were getting divorce. No one cheats on me and cheating is the only reason I would have broken my marriage vows which I held as sacred.
The break up was hellish as my wife (as she admitted years later), tried every trick she could think of to pile on the pressure on me in order that I would "hopefully kill myself". I assume that was so she could get everything...which she just about got anyway, despite her being the cheat and despite it being my money. I almost did kill myself, but I failed and woke up the next day and from that moment forth, I thought "you're not worth it" about her.
That was the lowest point. Moving into a run down house (where I got bitten by fleas the first night I stayed there), was not nice and I cried myself to sleep. However, since then, I have had some of the happiest memories of my life. Memories I would not have had if I had stayed with my adulteress wife. I do not speak to her. I pay maintenance and she has my house. I see my kids when they want to see me. I've bumped into her now and then through the years and she has not done well. A succession of abusive, mentally unstable, drunks have passed through her life and taken their toll. I on the other hand am happy and the flea bitten house is now repaired (inluding a new roof in two rooms and a new floor where the bathroom floor collapsed under me one morning - it was tough!) and I am living with a lovely woman who I otherwise would never have met.
My kids have done well, despite all (I had to take my eldest daughter away from my wife for a year at one point as she was close to having a nervous breakdown with the turmoil in the place), with my eldest having just got 5 A's at A level. My "wife", I hope i never speak to again. I will never trust a thing she says.
So thats how I coped. It was hard, but now is much, much better than then ever was. I'm actually glad she cheated so I found out that our marriage was such a lie.0 -
I'd leave without a question of a doubt. It'd mean I would have to leave the country (I come from the UK, I live in Germany) as I got no family here, nowhere to go...nothing pretty much except for my boyfriend. I got no reason to stay. Everything I have is back home - why would I stay here? It'd mean going through the courts because we have a daughter together. Even though we're not married, he has as much right to our daughter as if we were. It wouldn't lean very well on him if he did cheat, plus I have no good reason to stay here. My boyfriend says he'd never cheat but I don't know that. He knows if he did he'd lose his daughter - no one cheats on me and gets off lightly. My daughter doesn't deserve to have a cheating father - I had that with my own.0
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My wife (13 years married), cheated on me with her boss. I was the last person to know and my best friend sat me down and told me my wife had told her (my best friend) when she was out drinking with her and got drunk. She actually seemed to be bragging about it. Straight after I heard this, I went to my wife and told her we were getting divorce. No one cheats on me and cheating is the only reason I would have broken my marriage vows which I held as sacred.
The break up was hellish as my wife (as she admitted years later), tried every trick she could think of to pile on the pressure on me in order that I would "hopefully kill myself". I assume that was so she could get everything...which she just about got anyway, despite her being the cheat and despite it being my money. I almost did kill myself, but I failed and woke up the next day and from that moment forth, I thought "you're not worth it" about her.
That was the lowest point. Moving into a run down house (where I got bitten by fleas the first night I stayed there), was not nice and I cried myself to sleep. However, since then, I have had some of the happiest memories of my life. Memories I would not have had if I had stayed with my adulteress wife. I do not speak to her. I pay maintenance and she has my house. I see my kids when they want to see me. I've bumped into her now and then through the years and she has not done well. A succession of abusive, mentally unstable, drunks have passed through her life and taken their toll. I on the other hand am happy and the flea bitten house is now repaired (inluding a new roof in two rooms and a new floor where the bathroom floor collapsed under me one morning - it was tough!) and I am living with a lovely woman who I otherwise would never have met.
My kids have done well, despite all (I had to take my eldest daughter away from my wife for a year at one point as she was close to having a nervous breakdown with the turmoil in the place), with my eldest having just got 5 A's at A level. My "wife", I hope i never speak to again. I will never trust a thing she says.
So thats how I coped. It was hard, but now is much, much better than then ever was. I'm actually glad she cheated so I found out that our marriage was such a lie.
wow, I am glad you are still with us, and I wish you all the best and happiness0 -
What is that answer?
My mother pretty much pushed me this direction, I don't know about him, he says he wanted to get married, but I didn't. I told my mom I wasn't ready and she just tells me that's normal and keeps going with the planning and then she tells me that if I don't get married, I am living in sin, and I can't just be "shacking up" with is guy and not be married to him. Her deffinition of shacking up is living with him, and he pays for everything because I don't have a job, because I watch our son, and believe me I want a job, but I'd be working to pay for daycare. I have talked about going to school in fact I actually started going to school but the financial aide office told me I had to be 24 to be considered independent? I talked about getting my CNA and he was kinda trying to talk me out of it. My mom pushed me into this, there were a couple times that I said I wanted to leave and my mom said that I needed to stick it out for my son, this was before we got married..
I don't understand the deal with your mom, I mean if you were my daughter, I would tell you to leave him and support you through this, it is a bad marriage and won't get better, do what is best for your child and end this. You need to sit your mom down and say, mom it's over, please help me get through this for the sake of your grand child.
Is she worried about what other people think? screw that you are her daughter, she needs to ahve your back, and this guy needs to move on.0 -
Think of what you want for your kid(s). Do you want them thinking THIS is how a husband should act? Would you want their significant others to treat them this way? If the answer is no you gotta get out. You haven't been married long at all, it is only likely to get worse from here on out.0
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Your kids learn by example, do you really want that child to learn to stay with someone who makes you unhappy? Do you really want that child to grow up thinking that kind of relationship is normal? not to mention okay? The child is very young and you leaving will not affect said child. It's if you stay longer that it gets harder. So plan now, apply for assistance, housing and such before you leave, get your ducks in a row. You can get title 20 for daycare so you can work and or go to school, do all this before you leave. When you apply be sure to apply like you not with him besides if your sleeping in the baby's room you are no longer with him but only there until you can get out.0
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Invest in a good lawyer and GTFO.
One of the best things I ever did was file for divorce from my abusive first husband. Yes, it's hard, but in the long run it will be worth it.
And therapy, yes, great idea.0 -
People have to decide if it is in them to forgive or not. If they truly can learn to forgive and move past the infidelity then kudos to them for giving their marriage/relationship another chance.
If you cannot let it go then it isn't healthy to stay in the relationship. If you will always bring it up or throw it in your spouses face when you are angry then move on. Staying together for the kids is not a good enough reason. The kids might not be happy that mommy and daddy split up...but it is better than growing up in a house where the parents don't speak to one another or are always yelling at one another.0 -
I was giving a choice December 5,1994 ( our first date was December 4.1994) Cigarettes or him. The rule is if he cheated he would walk in with a pack of cigarettes. I do not believe in divorce. He knows that if he left , he would never be able to get married again. I think you might want to try counseling first before leaving and staying together for the kids is actually the worse thing someone can do but that is just my opinion. My adopted son didn't come in to the picture until he was 19.0
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My opinion,
When cheating happens in a relationship, trust is automatically gone. You will spend the next several years, maybe even longer, trying to build that trust back up. It will never be the same relationship that you guys once had. Those negative thoughts will always be in the back of your head.
Honestly, in hearing your story, it might not be worth the time. You will end up with resentment towards your family, and especially him. You will always have this anger for what happen. I'm not trying to be mean, I am speaking from experience. I have asked myself the same exact questions you are asking yourself now. You must choose wisely, or you will end up wasting time and energy.
This is one of those decisions that will effect your life drastically either way, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I really know what your going through, more than I want to share for everyone to read.
Sometimes the best person to talk to is a stranger. An outsider.
If you need a supportive friend you are welcome to add me.
This is exactly what my grandmother had told me. That's exactly why I posted this, because I wanted to get everyone's opinion. Funny thing is, he is being extremely nice, is it going to last? I doubt it, therefore I can't buy into it.0 -
I don't know about your state, but in Mass, if you're married, you are no longer considered dependent upon your parents for financial support for college. I would get more information about this, if you're serious about going to college. You can probably get financial aid....in fact I actually started going to school but the financial aide office told me I had to be 24 to be considered independent? .....
I am from PA, and it was the university of Pennsylvania (penn state)0 -
This is exactly what my grandmother had told me. That's exactly why I posted this, because I wanted to get everyone's opinion. Funny thing is, he is being extremely nice, is it going to last? I doubt it, therefore I can't buy into it.
Most abusers go through cycles of "nice" and *kitten* head.0 -
In my marriage (we've been together for 22 years), cheating is the one deal breaker. We've been to hell and back, but we pulled through. But had he cheated on me, we would not still be together. I wouldn't cheat on him, either because I hold myself to the same standards that I hold him to.
As for your relationship, I am very sorry. If you have this much drama, abuse and manipulation going on, it seems to me that the marriage is doomed. If you want to try to save it, then you need to find a counselor since he's not making that effort.0 -
I see my kids when they want to see me.
this is what i am really worried about is my son. Do your kids ask to see you a lot? Do they seem effected at all? I can't just walk away and leave my son behind. He has told me that if i want to leave and forget this ever happened, then I can do that. I don't my son is my son, i won't just give up on him because of what his father did to me,he couldn't help that. I think my "husband" would love nothing more than for me to just forget about my son.0 -
Your son is young... GET out before he is affected by all this DRAMA..0
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My wife (13 years married), cheated on me with her boss. I was the last person to know and my best friend sat me down and told me my wife had told her (my best friend) when she was out drinking with her and got drunk. She actually seemed to be bragging about it. Straight after I heard this, I went to my wife and told her we were getting divorce. No one cheats on me and cheating is the only reason I would have broken my marriage vows which I held as sacred.
The break up was hellish as my wife (as she admitted years later), tried every trick she could think of to pile on the pressure on me in order that I would "hopefully kill myself". I assume that was so she could get everything...which she just about got anyway, despite her being the cheat and despite it being my money. I almost did kill myself, but I failed and woke up the next day and from that moment forth, I thought "you're not worth it" about her.
That was the lowest point. Moving into a run down house (where I got bitten by fleas the first night I stayed there), was not nice and I cried myself to sleep. However, since then, I have had some of the happiest memories of my life. Memories I would not have had if I had stayed with my adulteress wife. I do not speak to her. I pay maintenance and she has my house. I see my kids when they want to see me. I've bumped into her now and then through the years and she has not done well. A succession of abusive, mentally unstable, drunks have passed through her life and taken their toll. I on the other hand am happy and the flea bitten house is now repaired (inluding a new roof in two rooms and a new floor where the bathroom floor collapsed under me one morning - it was tough!) and I am living with a lovely woman who I otherwise would never have met.
My kids have done well, despite all (I had to take my eldest daughter away from my wife for a year at one point as she was close to having a nervous breakdown with the turmoil in the place), with my eldest having just got 5 A's at A level. My "wife", I hope i never speak to again. I will never trust a thing she says.
So thats how I coped. It was hard, but now is much, much better than then ever was. I'm actually glad she cheated so I found out that our marriage was such a lie.
The killling thing, I have been there more than once, sometimes, i'll drive down the road just imagining getting into an accident, and if I would, then I wouldn't have to live this life anymore. SOOOO glad you didn't do it, and as for me. I think I can make my life better. Ending my life at 19 over someone who obviously didn't care about me, not worth it!!0 -
I'd leave without a question of a doubt. It'd mean I would have to leave the country (I come from the UK, I live in Germany) as I got no family here, nowhere to go...nothing pretty much except for my boyfriend. I got no reason to stay. Everything I have is back home - why would I stay here? It'd mean going through the courts because we have a daughter together. Even though we're not married, he has as much right to our daughter as if we were. It wouldn't lean very well on him if he did cheat, plus I have no good reason to stay here. My boyfriend says he'd never cheat but I don't know that. He knows if he did he'd lose his daughter - no one cheats on me and gets off lightly. My daughter doesn't deserve to have a cheating father - I had that with my own.
so the courts will take the cheating into consideration?0 -
My opinion,
When cheating happens in a relationship, trust is automatically gone. You will spend the next several years, maybe even longer, trying to build that trust back up. It will never be the same relationship that you guys once had. Those negative thoughts will always be in the back of your head.
Honestly, in hearing your story, it might not be worth the time. You will end up with resentment towards your family, and especially him. You will always have this anger for what happen. I'm not trying to be mean, I am speaking from experience. I have asked myself the same exact questions you are asking yourself now. You must choose wisely, or you will end up wasting time and energy.
This is one of those decisions that will effect your life drastically either way, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I really know what your going through, more than I want to share for everyone to read.
Sometimes the best person to talk to is a stranger. An outsider.
If you need a supportive friend you are welcome to add me.
This is exactly what my grandmother had told me. That's exactly why I posted this, because I wanted to get everyone's opinion. Funny thing is, he is being extremely nice, is it going to last? I doubt it, therefore I can't buy into it.
Most likely the niceness wont last, he is probably realizing that you and your son are the best thing in his life, but he will soon forget that and go back to the way he IS.0 -
I have been married 9yrs and he has never cheated on me, nor I have ever cheated on him. I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation and honestly hope I never have to find out.
First off there is no excuse for cheating. If he feels like he can't save it for his wife, then he has no reason to be married.
Secondly, you are an adult, you have a child of your own. Break away from the umbilical cord that you are still attached to with your mother. It's ok to have a good relationship with your mother, but she can't force you to do anything. You are your own person. This is something I'm trying to teach my 9yr old son right now. When he tells me someone made him do something, no one held a gun to his head, no one made him do things he knows not to be right, he has his own head, he did his own thing. Your mother might have wanted this badly for you and wants it badly to work for you, but your mother is not the one suffering and in the end, as a mother all we want is for our kids to be happy and healthy. Living in this kind of marriage is not happy nor is it healthy. So what if she gets mad, she is not having to deal with this.
My husband is a recovering porn addict. Yes, most men look at porn but porn is not healthy and I don't care what anyone says on that, it isn't. It rots the brain and is very unhealthy in a relationship. My husband and I have had many of fights over this. Our love life is just now becoming a more normal love life. I really rather not go into all that on here, just know that porn can do some real damage to peoples head's. My husband is just now starting to realize the damage and the hold it has had over him.
No one can tell you weather you should stay or go, we are not living in that, you are. Do you think you should leave him? Do you think he will do it again? Do you want to forgive him? Do you love him enough to save your marriage?
We can't answer that for you. Best of luck!0 -
At the age of 18 you had a baby and married someone who was abusing you emotionally and physiclaly? You need the help, not him. Get out and get help. You should know that is not okay behavior. Be an adult and do whats right for your child!!!0
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What is that answer?
My mother pretty much pushed me this direction, I don't know about him, he says he wanted to get married, but I didn't. I told my mom I wasn't ready and she just tells me that's normal and keeps going with the planning and then she tells me that if I don't get married, I am living in sin, and I can't just be "shacking up" with is guy and not be married to him. Her deffinition of shacking up is living with him, and he pays for everything because I don't have a job, because I watch our son, and believe me I want a job, but I'd be working to pay for daycare. I have talked about going to school in fact I actually started going to school but the financial aide office told me I had to be 24 to be considered independent? I talked about getting my CNA and he was kinda trying to talk me out of it. My mom pushed me into this, there were a couple times that I said I wanted to leave and my mom said that I needed to stick it out for my son, this was before we got married..
I don't understand the deal with your mom, I mean if you were my daughter, I would tell you to leave him and support you through this, it is a bad marriage and won't get better, do what is best for your child and end this. You need to sit your mom down and say, mom it's over, please help me get through this for the sake of your grand child.
Is she worried about what other people think? screw that you are her daughter, she needs to have your back, and this guy needs to move on.
My mom and dad were divorced and she doesn't want me to go through the custody mess like she did, and she also thinks I should work this out for my son because "his parents need to be together" The way I look at it many people get divorced, and the kids are okay. I am worried about my son not being as happy BUT I also feel if I am happy, then that will reflect on him. I can get along with my husband, even though I don't want to be here, yes. My mom considers that "being happy" we went to this fair thing, and I got my mom to take like 2 pictures of us together. Doesn't mean I am happy.Oh and she also thinks that I want a divorce because I want to "**** people" Um Im not the one who ****ed up!! She thinks I am bored with my "husband" sooo not true, if he wouldn't have done this, then I would be here having to make this decision. Oh and my "husband" didn't want me to be friends with the girl that he kissed and tried to have sex with, you know why? because i was putting "temptation in front of him" ALSO when he went to meet her WHILE WE WERE MARRIED he told me that he wasn't sure if he had feelings for her. OH and my mom says it could have been worse..0 -
Think of what you want for your kid(s). Do you want them thinking THIS is how a husband should act? Would you want their significant others to treat them this way? If the answer is no you gotta get out. You haven't been married long at all, it is only likely to get worse from here on out.
Yessss!!! this exactly want I keep telling my mother. I DO NOT want my son thinking that he needs to treat girls like this calling them names and putting them down, and cheating is deff NOT right. Well his mother had cheated on his father and they are still together! yay for them, guess what? His mom cheated and so did he!! I wanna end this cycle. Oh have I mentioned how much I don't like his mother because they have secret convos about me, I mean for gosh sakes he acts like he is in a relationship with her and he always asks her about stuff, like for example my son had a rash from his antibiotic for his ear infection ,and i said it's probably the meds, I'll call the dr. He hops on the phone with his mother, and he's getting a house, he talks to her about things he's going to do or his father NOT me.0 -
Stayed and never will again. I thought he was the love of my life. He told me I was the love of his. We were together for 5 years and he cheated on my every year of our relationship. It was like it wasn't even a big deal to him though he lied his way out of it the first two times I caught him. After that, he didn't even care because he knew I would stay. he beat down my self esteem so I wouldn't feel like I could leave and he treated me like dirt because he knew he COULD get away with it.
Never again.0 -
People have to decide if it is in them to forgive or not. If they truly can learn to forgive and move past the infidelity then kudos to them for giving their marriage/relationship another chance.
If you cannot let it go then it isn't healthy to stay in the relationship. If you will always bring it up or throw it in your spouses face when you are angry then move on. Staying together for the kids is not a good enough reason. The kids might not be happy that mommy and daddy split up...but it is better than growing up in a house where the parents don't speak to one another or are always yelling at one another.
I am like that too! I have gotten upset with him in the past couple weeks and have thrown it in his face. The day I found out, he was talking to me, putting me don, making me feel like I was the one doing something wrong, He has done this many times.0 -
At the age of 18 you had a baby and married someone who was abusing you emotionally and physiclaly? You need the help, not him. Get out and get help. You should know that is not okay behavior. Be an adult and do whats right for your child!!!
when I first read this I wanted to go off, but you are right, I was very very stupid!!!0 -
I have been married 9yrs and he has never cheated on me, nor I have ever cheated on him. I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation and honestly hope I never have to find out.
First off there is no excuse for cheating. If he feels like he can't save it for his wife, then he has no reason to be married.
Secondly, you are an adult, you have a child of your own. Break away from the umbilical cord that you are still attached to with your mother. It's ok to have a good relationship with your mother, but she can't force you to do anything. You are your own person. This is something I'm trying to teach my 9yr old son right now. When he tells me someone made him do something, no one held a gun to his head, no one made him do things he knows not to be right, he has his own head, he did his own thing. Your mother might have wanted this badly for you and wants it badly to work for you, but your mother is not the one suffering and in the end, as a mother all we want is for our kids to be happy and healthy. Living in this kind of marriage is not happy nor is it healthy. So what if she gets mad, she is not having to deal with this.
My husband is a recovering porn addict. Yes, most men look at porn but porn is not healthy and I don't care what anyone says on that, it isn't. It rots the brain and is very unhealthy in a relationship. My husband and I have had many of fights over this. Our love life is just now becoming a more normal love life. I really rather not go into all that on here, just know that porn can do some real damage to peoples head's. My husband is just now starting to realize the damage and the hold it has had over him.
No one can tell you weather you should stay or go, we are not living in that, you are. Do you think you should leave him? Do you think he will do it again? Do you want to forgive him? Do you love him enough to save your marriage?
We can't answer that for you. Best of luck!
You're right, and the reason I want my mom to agree with my choice is because I need support. I will need somewhere to go..0
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