getting old :-(
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My birthday is approaching and I am worried because my guy forgot my birthday the first year we were together and since then I have reminded him but this year I decided to not say anything to see if he remembers on his own and it is stressing me out.... Plus I am starting to notice little things like while we are having dinner, if I finish first I pick up his plate and take it to the sink with mine but if he finishes first he just takes his . I always do little things for him like serving him coffee, making his lunches, doing his laundry... Little things to show I care but I don't feel like I am getting much back and YES I have talked to him several times...... Maybe I am being petty or I am just PMS'ing who knows ... point is it is really on my mind and had to talk about it.....Have you ever read the book "The Five Love Languages"? You may be loving him in your love language (Acts of Service from what I guess) and that is obviously not his love language. He may love you in his love language (Gifts...doesn't sound like it, Physical touch, words of Affirmation, Quality time). You may both be loving each other but speaking a different language! Try taking the assessment (google the book and there's a free site and quiz) to help you figure out how you can show him you love him in his love language and he can find out what yours is. After that, if he makes NO effort at all to change, then it may be time for some counseling if you truly want to work it thru or it may be time to be done...
Death by a thousand paper cuts. Stop doing all the little things and see what happens. Also.. you're not old.
Also, if this is the worst that happens, that he doesn't take your plate to the kitchen sink when he takes his... well, that's not a whole lot to complain about. What does he do, in his own way, that shows he appreciates you? For some men, they don't think birthdays are all that. It's like an obligatory time bomb and would prefer to do things when it's not required. My husband hasn't done anything really stellar for my birthday (only a cake once) for the 15 years we've been together. Is it the end of the world? NO! He does wonderful things for me year 'round, comes through on Christmas (a week after our birthday. yes, OUR. mine is the day after his. which happens to be less than 2 weeks after our youngest daughter's b'day) what about the 361 days he has to do nice things for you that don't include dishes? Chances are, he never cleared the table as a kid and his mom cleared them for his dad. Chances are, you cleared the table as a kid and/or your mom cleared your dad's plate.
and wtf? 34 is NOT old!0 -
He must know roughly when your birthday is! If he knows it's in September he can check Facebook for the exact date. If he doesn't care enough to check that (let alone remember the exact date) I'm sorry, he just doesn't care and should be dumped.
thats what it feels like or is starting to feel like anyway0 -
The best birthday I ever had was the year my wife forgot my birthday. I didn't care at all. It just took me off the hook for any future birthday, anniversary, whatever!0
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The best birthday I ever had was the year my wife forgot my birthday. I didn't care at all. It just took me off the hook for any future birthday, anniversary, whatever!
LOL Welllll, he has never really cared anyway so I guess I am just sad I have never gotten that from him0 -
time to move on
he doesn't really care0 -
The best birthday I ever had was the year my wife forgot my birthday. I didn't care at all. It just took me off the hook for any future birthday, anniversary, whatever!
LOL Welllll, he has never really cared anyway so I guess I am just sad I have never gotten that from him
Happy Birthday!! :flowerforyou:0 -
Ditto. I was just going to suggest reading and applying "The Five Love Languages." It's worth the time. After you read it, keep it and refer to it every so often. It will help you in ALL types of relationships with friends and family to get this basic understanding.Have you ever read the book "The Five Love Languages"? You may be loving him in your love language (Acts of Service from what I guess) and that is obviously not his love language. He may love you in his love language (Gifts...doesn't sound like it, Physical touch, words of Affirmation, Quality time). You may both be loving each other but speaking a different language! Try taking the assessment (google the book and there's a free site and quiz) to help you figure out how you can show him you love him in his love language and he can find out what yours is. After that, if he makes NO effort at all to change, then it may be time for some counseling if you truly want to work it thru or it may be time to be done...0
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It's not just a guy thing. I forget birthdays all the time. I forget y best friend's. I forget my families. I even forget my own. If it's that important to you that he remembers dates then schedule a reminder on his calendar. this is why god made smart phones and google calendar : so we dont have to memorize this type of useless info (useless at least IMO)
Sorry, but getting you panties in a bunch because he forgets your bday or doesnt take your plate back to the sink like you're a 5 year old is trivial.0 -
My birthday is approaching and I am worried because my guy forgot my birthday the first year we were together and since then I have reminded him but this year I decided to not say anything to see if he remembers on his own and it is stressing me out.... Plus I am starting to notice little things like while we are having dinner, if I finish first I pick up his plate and take it to the sink with mine but if he finishes first he just takes his . I always do little things for him like serving him coffee, making his lunches, doing his laundry... Little things to show I care but I don't feel like I am getting much back and YES I have talked to him several times...... Maybe I am being petty or I am just PMS'ing who knows ... point is it is really on my mind and had to talk about it.....
I think you have valid concerns with your guy. He sounds self-centered.
And please do not say you're getting old, since I see by your profile you're 4 years younger than me! And my birthday is also approaching.0 -
When he gets up hand him the dish and say thanks! Use a little honey0
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id say that is life sometimes, nothing is perfect and i think at times people think relationships are going to be so great! In reality noone is perfect there are no perfect relationships.. you pick your battles and stop over thinking stuff.
If you REALLY think he doesnt care for you then its up to you.. you should leave but.. I always think we should try to stick it out, i have been with same man for over 20 years and i have learned if something really bothers me yes i say something but if it isnt a big deal and its just pride or i want to just push buttons i dont worry about it.. it all ends up fine.. im so very happy with my hubby.
The less i ***** to him about small stuff the more he wants to be around me.. the more he loves being with me and doing things for me but it goes both ways.I am there for him he is there for me.. and to b honest he or i cant remember our Anniversary at times, we remember a day late, and we make up for it.. some things we just have to learn to laugh about.. you have to let a person be who they are without walking on egg shells.. I dotn know the rest of your story with him so its hard to say how he thinks or feels and i think it is unfair others have told you he does not care because we DONT know that we would have to see you together and we are not counselors.. Can you live with him the way it is for the rest of your life? Because you cant change people you only change you and how you react to them.. that is all you can do so if it really bothers you then that is your answer if you are just wanting the attention and it really isnt that big a deal then let it go.. Only you know none of us do..0 -
yeah this too.. i think sometimes you just have to slowy train but not change someone lolWhen he gets up hand him the dish and say thanks! Use a little honey0 -
The only reason to remember such things is to keep your woman from complaining. Most guys couldn't care less about such stuff (b-days and whatnot).
Don't try to change him. It will only lead to disappointment.0 -
Everybody has a diffrent love language. Mine is like yours and I do thing for my wife in a way I would like done back for me but that does not happen and I have come to realize it. I know she loves me but we speak diffrent love languages find what his is and that. what does he do for you. Maybe you are not picking up what he does and he feels the same way you do. If he loves you he does show it and you are not picking up on his love. Sorry girl it is what it is.
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My birthday is approaching and I am worried because my guy forgot my birthday the first year we were together and since then I have reminded him but this year I decided to not say anything to see if he remembers on his own and it is stressing me out.... Plus I am starting to notice little things like while we are having dinner, if I finish first I pick up his plate and take it to the sink with mine but if he finishes first he just takes his . I always do little things for him like serving him coffee, making his lunches, doing his laundry... Little things to show I care but I don't feel like I am getting much back and YES I have talked to him several times...... Maybe I am being petty or I am just PMS'ing who knows ... point is it is really on my mind and had to talk about it.....
Sounds like your guy has a real bad case of Male Syndome. Symptoms include: well endowed ego, ADD tendencies, Deaf and dumb when the TV is on, Scratch and sniff...which leads into "sniff testing", Leaving a trail; whether it be trash or stench, Dropping stubbles of facial hair in the sink, NOT doing little things, and last but not least, forgetting important dates.
He need medical help immediately... ER may be a necessity.
He's a guy; what do you expect?0 -
Just tell him that you will let him **** you in the *kitten* on your birthday and only on your birthday. He will never forget again!!!
For the win...^^^^^
actually wont work. he is not into that
What does he like? -- there has to be some way to help him remember (not that he should need reminding).0 -
Yup...The only reason to remember such things is to keep your woman from complaining. Most guys couldn't care less about such stuff (b-days and whatnot).
Don't try to change him. It will only lead to disappointment.
Birthdays weren't a big deal at my place growing up. I don't recall ever having a birthday party as a kid. It wasn't a big deal so it's hard for me to make birthdays a big deal for someone else.
If your birthday is really important to you, instead of setting your SO up for failure by refusing to remind him, how about setting up exactly what you want... the dinner reservations, the flowers, even a gift if you want... and then surprising HIM with it... As in happy birthday to ME.
It isn't possible to change people and they'll only change themselves if they want to do so. All you do by trying to change someone is make both of you miserable. Happy birthday!!0 -
I'm very sorry, but this thread has been playing on my mind.
Me and my OH have been together 18 months. We have to remind ourselves our anniversery but we know our birthdays off by heart, even though we've only celebrated one(each) together.
FOUR years? Seriously?
What are you getting out of this??0 -
Just break up.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHHHHAAA!!!!!!0 -
Not all men are like that, but it does seem to be how he is if it has been 4 years and this problem STILL is not resolved.
I think a lot of women make excuses for men by saying, "Well they just can't think like that..." Well, even when I was only 15 my first boyfriend didn't get me anything for Valentine's Day. ALL of our mutual male friends (without me saying a word or acting depressed) yelled at him for it to the point that he left to get me a gift. And our friends were almost all "bad boys" so I mean really.
My second boyfriend had hardly any experience with girls and still figured this stuff out on his own.
My last boyfriend had been through too many (failed) relationships to keep track of, and the reason was...he sucked. I gave him 6 months, and the last week I saw him he was still mean and selfish. Now I'm just a part of his very-long list of failed-relationships.
Why? Because I (and apparently all of the other women) knew that there are a lot nicer and more thoughtful men out there.
You're still young, but it seems that if you stay in a relationship that still has the same complaints (that could EASILY be fixed) from when the relationship just began 4 years ago, eventually you WILL be old and either learned to accept that he will never be what you want...or...still feel unappreciated AND actually getting old.
Good luck and keep in mind that 4 years might seem like a lot of time, but instead of thinking, "Well it HAS been 4 years, that's a long time I invested to go to waste," think, "4 years and he STILL didn't care enough about me to at least try and reciprocate or make me feel I wasn't the only one giving."
PS: I've come to notice that men who "weren't able" to remember their partner's birthdays etc WILL suddenly "become able" when they meet a woman who takes their breath away. Let's be honest, if most men had Megan Fox or Adriana Lima (or which ever super-gorgeous girl the man likes most) become their girlfriends, do you REALLY think they would forget HER birthday? I think not, and if they did, you'd be sure they would remember after 4 years together if he still felt the same way about her.
I think there are a lot of people who stay in relationships with people just because they feel comfortable and enjoy being in relationships -- not because they are truly crazy about the other person or even in love. The men in my life (friends, family, boyfriends) who have made me feel appreciated and not like, "I hope he remembers we are supposed to meet today" have ALWAYS been those who I knew actually cared about me. My first boyfriend ended up secretly being in love with his ex. My last boyfriend ended up being a narcissist. As far as relationships go, only one guy I was with truly loved me. The other two did NOT love me. While some men really can love a woman and not do little things such as cleaning the dishes or remembering holidays, I personally think that most ARE able to. It is simply that, for most of us non-models, we are not as desirable to most men (no matter how nice our personalities are) as the really pretty girls. Therefore, it is more difficult to find a man who truly loves us and will treat us like he would if he were dating "the physically ideal girl of his dreams."0 -
Check out a book called Five Love Languages. People communicate love (or lack there of) in different 2 ways. I found the book quite helpful in articulating the things that really showed love TO me to my hubby. Once he knew my top 2 ways, he was off to the races trying to show me how much he loved me. And, he had some "tools" to work with. And, when he read it and locked into his love language (not shocking) it helped me understand and show love to him in ways that mean a LOT to him, but not as much to me. Google it. It's pretty cool.
^^^ Really makes a difference!
And maybe you need to get MR. Thoughtless a Google calendar account for his birthday!0 -
I was gonna suggest the 5 Love Languages as well. It sounds like from your post you may potentially be missing each other's signals.
As for the birthday, my recommendation is to simply tell him your birthday is coming up. Start talking about it. He may never be one to remember it. Don't let that drive a wedge or ruin your day. I even plan some or all of my birthday on some years. It is no big deal. My husband enjoys celebrating it with me. That's all that matters.0 -
you don't need any books to figure this out. Right now this guy has got a bad rep from a lot of people here and it may not be fair, I don't know. Thing is forgetting to do the little things is common for a guy to do.
How are you treated all the other times, does he work, pay bills, take you places, happy to spend time with you..so many things. If he just takes you for granted that could just be relationship conditioning.
Hard to explain without his opinions but you do need to talk to him if he is all around treating you badly. As far as a plate going to the sink, yeah thats a little thing but its big to you so next time when he gets up to take his plate..ask him...yeah..ask him if he could take yours too. Its not a bad thing to remind him you know or ask when you would like something instead of possibly expecting him to just remember. If he doesn't remember your birthday, well thats something lots of people of any gender don't remember. It happens, just remind the guy and see his response. Maybe the day before that or whatever event just give a reminder and see his response. If he acts like he just don't care then thats one thing but if he's genuinely annoyed with himself for forgetting he may say sorry, he may put a rush on things and get you something or he may also do something for you..try it
P.S. Happy Birthday to you0 -
You have been together 4 years, you are 33, and not once have you mentioned wanting to marry this guy.
You could either dump or decide it isn't a deal breaker, either is fine. I wouldn't try to change him.0 -
Honestly, birthdays are not a big deal to some people. I love my birthday and other people's. But, some people could care less.
The little lovey things that you do...great! I'm the same way. I do...that's how I show affection. My husband, on the other hand, buys gifts (something little that I've said I may like) and is physically affectionate. I get that we are different that way. So, if I want him to do for me, i.e., take my plate, then I ask because I know he wouldn't think to do that. You either accept your SO for who he is or move on. Although you can't change him, you can meld your two ways of loving into something that works for the two of you (if that's what you want). But to post such a question here means that you seek validation for having doubts and wanting to dump him. That said, if that's what you want, do it.0 -
Just be honest with him. Sometimes we forget things to or take them for granted.0
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Not all men are like that, but it does seem to be how he is if it has been 4 years and this problem STILL is not resolved.
I think a lot of women make excuses for men by saying, "Well they just can't think like that..." Well, even when I was only 15 my first boyfriend didn't get me anything for Valentine's Day. ALL of our mutual male friends (without me saying a word or acting depressed) yelled at him for it to the point that he left to get me a gift. And our friends were almost all "bad boys" so I mean really.
My second boyfriend had hardly any experience with girls and still figured this stuff out on his own.
My last boyfriend had been through too many (failed) relationships to keep track of, and the reason was...he sucked. I gave him 6 months, and the last week I saw him he was still mean and selfish. Now I'm just a part of his very-long list of failed-relationships.
Why? Because I (and apparently all of the other women) knew that there are a lot nicer and more thoughtful men out there.
You're still young, but it seems that if you stay in a relationship that still has the same complaints (that could EASILY be fixed) from when the relationship just began 4 years ago, eventually you WILL be old and either learned to accept that he will never be what you want...or...still feel unappreciated AND actually getting old.
Good luck and keep in mind that 4 years might seem like a lot of time, but instead of thinking, "Well it HAS been 4 years, that's a long time I invested to go to waste," think, "4 years and he STILL didn't care enough about me to at least try and reciprocate or make me feel I wasn't the only one giving."
PS: I've come to notice that men who "weren't able" to remember their partner's birthdays etc WILL suddenly "become able" when they meet a woman who takes their breath away. Let's be honest, if most men had Megan Fox or Adriana Lima (or which ever super-gorgeous girl the man likes most) become their girlfriends, do you REALLY think they would forget HER birthday? I think not, and if they did, you'd be sure they would remember after 4 years together if he still felt the same way about her.
I think there are a lot of people who stay in relationships with people just because they feel comfortable and enjoy being in relationships -- not because they are truly crazy about the other person or even in love. The men in my life (friends, family, boyfriends) who have made me feel appreciated and not like, "I hope he remembers we are supposed to meet today" have ALWAYS been those who I knew actually cared about me. My first boyfriend ended up secretly being in love with his ex. My last boyfriend ended up being a narcissist. As far as relationships go, only one guy I was with truly loved me. The other two did NOT love me. While some men really can love a woman and not do little things such as cleaning the dishes or remembering holidays, I personally think that most ARE able to. It is simply that, for most of us non-models, we are not as desirable to most men (no matter how nice our personalities are) as the really pretty girls. Therefore, it is more difficult to find a man who truly loves us and will treat us like he would if he were dating "the physically ideal girl of his dreams."
Yes I do agree!!! One day we were sitting there and he showed me his ideal body type on a woman and it was me when I was 16,17,18,19,20 etc... Not now... I would have to lose 120 pounds to be there again. I am tall and curvy and am more Marilyn Monroe shaped even when I am down to 140 pounds or so.. I feel sexy there! I don't know why he is with me. Thinking of other things now like a few summers ago we went to the lake and he avoided me every second of it which really hurt and it was just him and i and our kids that went.. granted we were watching them but he stayed away. Probably because I am fat. Who knows...0 -
like while we are having dinner, if I finish first I pick up his plate and take it to the sink with mine but if he finishes first he just takes his
so if you are done eating you take his food?0 -
Talk to him first about this...maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing...we can be air-heads sometimes...0
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Just break up.
^^^LOL I just love the movie Anchorman!!0
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