Divorce & Children?
OK I am not sure where to put this but I have a feeling many of you have been in this situation so I thought I'd ask what your advice was or how you got through it... My husband and I are going through a divorce and we have 3 year old son... I am noticing it is affecting my son now, and I feel terrible.. How can I make it easier on him or what can I do? We are in the process of getting the custody situation nailed down through a mediator if he would move his a** on the appointment. I dropped my son off at daycare this morning and he is crying hysterically for me not to leave, something he has never done. His teacher said it's normal, this is all part of the changes they go through. It broke my heart ;-(
Does it get any easier on them eventually? My parents divorced as well but big difference I was 12..... Ugh :ohwell:
Does it get any easier on them eventually? My parents divorced as well but big difference I was 12..... Ugh :ohwell:
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Replies
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I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.0
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this is sad =(
does he get to see his dad everyday, or at least talk to him daily? even at 3 you can do that.
the most important thing IMO is to have a great relationship with your X no matter WHAT for your child. you should be willing to meet him half way on everything, including seeing his son everyday if possible.
it doesn’t have to be “part of the change” you get to control what happens.0 -
this is sad =(
does he get to see his dad everyday, or at least talk to him daily? even at 3 you can do that.
the most important thing IMO is to have a great relationship with your X no matter WHAT for your child. you should be willing to meet him half way on everything, including see his son everyday if possible.
it doesn’t have to be “part of the change” you get to control what happens.
He is actually with his Dad more right now.... I have him every other weekend, and Mon-Wednesday I pick him up from daycare and try and do something fun with him and drop him off with him... Eventually he is going to be staying those nights with me...
His dad doesn't want to accept the divorce, he is still very much in love with me and devastated.... so this is a huge struggle.0 -
You have to love your kid more than you hate each other. No matter how big a jerk he might be, let it go and be as respectful and polite as you can even if it kills you. And try not to discuss grown up problems in front of the child. If you have to vent, go out with some girlfriends or something and blow off steam. Don't do it on the phone when little ears can hear. You will only have to deal with this guy until your child is 18, but your child will have this father forever.0
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It DOES get easier. The one thing that you CAN do is constantly reassure your son that you aren't going anywhere. That no matter what you will always be there for him. That you will never leave. My youngest daughter was 12 when her dad and I divorced and that was always her fear. That if her daddy could leave, then what was stopping her momma from leaving also.
Just reassure him that you will always be there.0 -
I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.
Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??
"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."
Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced 0 -
this is sad =(
does he get to see his dad everyday, or at least talk to him daily? even at 3 you can do that.
the most important thing IMO is to have a great relationship with your X no matter WHAT for your child. you should be willing to meet him half way on everything, including see his son everyday if possible.
it doesn’t have to be “part of the change” you get to control what happens.
He is actually with his Dad more right now.... I have him every other weekend, and Mon-Wednesday I pick him up from daycare and try and do something fun with him and drop him off with him... Eventually he is going to be staying those nights with me...
His dad doesn't want to accept the divorce, he is still very much in love with me and devastated.... so this is a huge struggle.
Can you not see him every day? He needs you too. =(
Thats why hes so upset. It doesn't matter abt you and the ex now, all that matters is your little guy, surely he see's that part of who you two are, is HIM now.0 -
I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.
Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??
"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."
Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced
Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.0 -
I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.
Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??
"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."
Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced
Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.
He needs to stop that. Now. Sadly, you can't control him, but for the love of gravy what the f*** is he thinking bringing a 3 year old into this!!! Is he willing to go to therapy or even read a book? Or find someone to smack him upside the head and say, "Dude... don't say that in front of your kid."?0 -
I'm a huge proponent for counceling, not to repair the marriage, but to repair the relationship . . . for you, for the ex, for your son, for you and your ex together.0
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He'll adjust to it. He's young enough. He probably won't even really remember all of this in the long run. You both just need to make time for him. You might not love each other anymore and he can know that. Just make sure he knows you both love HIM.0
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I would look into some type of counseling, play therapy is great even at the age of three. It will give him a chance to talk about things without really talking about it.0
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I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.
Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??
"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."
Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced
Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.
In the long run it's easier on 3 year old than say a teenager.
Obviously the dad needs to stop that sheeeit. Keep a small journal or log of things like this, it could get worse and it may be something you will have to bring up in mediation or court.0 -
It takes time and gets better faster with parents who work together to make it as less stressful as possible on the kids. Of course there are reasons that marriages don't work and often that relates to one or both parents not being able to agree on much and not being considerate of others so this doesn't happen very often. Since you went through it you know it is possible to survive but it is not exactly a party for the kids either (it hasn't been for mine).0
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I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.
Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??
"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."
Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced
Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.
He needs to stop that. Now. Sadly, you can't control him, but for the love of gravy what the f*** is he thinking bringing a 3 year old into this!!! Is he willing to go to therapy or even read a book? Or find someone to smack him upside the head and say, "Dude... don't say that in front of your kid."?
He is in Counseling believe it or no!!! I have been in for years... It's helped me greatly, him? Obviously not so much... lol.... For our marriage, we went 4 times.. It was enough for me... Things would get better and go right back.. I couldn't do it anymore... He is Military... Conversation non existent with me, I was very lonely in my marriage... Lonnnngggg story
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I'm so glad I didn't have to deal with this. My kids were 4 and 1 and for most of our marriage, my ex was working out of town. So when we split, it was really no difference to them.
It'll take time, but just remind him he'll see daddy again, and yall need to do your best to get along.0 -
I can't offer any advice because I don't have children and have also never been married, so I've never been divorced, BUT. I just figured that I should say that even though it's probably really hard for your little one right now (especially since he might not fully understand what is happening), it's also probably what is best for him. My parents divorced when I was 14/15 even though their marriage had been a mess long long long before that, but they stayed together for me and my sister and it was just awful. By the time they finally got divorced, it was more of a "finally!" kind of thing than anything else. But growing up with parents who only seemed to like each other about 10% of the time sucked. Dealing with the divorce sucked, too (especially since I was at such an angsty age as it was!) but when it was all done with, things were better. Of course, I had the advantage of understanding what was happening, but the point that I'm trying to make is that yeah, it's hard on your son and I'm sure that sucks for you and for him, but in the long run, things will be better and eventually, he'll understand.0
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I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.
Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??
"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."
Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced
Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.
If he is trying to turn him against you then why are you letting your son stay with him, instead of with you?0 -
My children were four and seven when we divorced. We explained to them that it was a grown up solution to a grown up problem. They went to their dad's every other weekend and he saw them after school as many days as he wanted to. We tried to keep things as normal for them as possible. We even still went to the same church for several years. We did birthday celebrations together and thankfully his family expected me to come over for holidays. As our girls got older, they could pick and choose when they went to his house based on school activities etc. When my older daughter was 14 she actually went to live with her dad. Is it always easy? NO, especially in the beginning. I prayed constantly to do it the right way. We took our kids to counseling and I strongly suggesst you do that too. It can be part of the divorce decree if he will agree to it. He shouldn't say things in front of your child that are mean or hurtful toward you. I would suggest letting him call his dad every day if he wants to and hopefully dad will do the same. I think when you have a child you have to put them(him) first no matter what!0
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I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.
This for sure but it is hard no matter how "nice" it is. Her suggestion is right on though, it will make it easier so they are not dealing with more emotions than they have to be already.0 -
You have to love your kid more than you hate each other. No matter how big a jerk he might be, let it go and be as respectful and polite as you can even if it kills you. And try not to discuss grown up problems in front of the child. If you have to vent, go out with some girlfriends or something and blow off steam. Don't do it on the phone when little ears can hear. You will only have to deal with this guy until your child is 18, but your child will have this father forever.
^^^THIS - My ex and I seperated when my kids were 3 and 15 months. We had our rough patches at first and then became friends for the kids. My boys are now 17 and 15 and are both very well adjusted. It will get better with time.0 -
I have a 4 year old who cried everyday when I dropped her off at day care. I was never married and never lived with her father. It has been a long struggle for us, but the best thing to do is remind your child that no matter what, mommy and daddy still love him. Tell him the things that will be the same, ie, movie nights or a special dinner. Just to hear he is still loved and things won't all change will be easier for him and he will warm up to the change. I have my daughter in play therapy, had a mentor service involved and myself in therapy and all gave the same advice. Not just because of the crying, but a whole slue of crap that has been on going... My ex recently had a child with his new g/f, and the change took a big toll on my daughter but she handled it a lot better than we thought she would. Now my ex isn't top notch...tried being mature and reasonable and it all bites me in the *kitten*. If your ex is a reasonable person than that will make a huge difference. As long as you and your ex can keep reminding your son of love and aren't arguing in front of him, etc, things will get better once he warms up to change.0
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I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.
[/quote
^^^^ This. I divorced a few years ago with two young children. Even though the ex and I don't particularly like each other we NEVER badmouthed each other, we don't pump the kids for info about the other, we treat visitation as an awesomely exciting thing, etc. It's not easy, but it was the best thing we could have done. We didn't even mention divorce (they were 3 and 4 when we split) in front of them. The few times they asked questions, we answered it with things like, "Mommy and Daddy live in different homes now, but we love you both very, very much."
My kids had few or no problems over it all (8 and 9 now). My ex and I go to teacher conferences together, etc.
At times I have to bite my tongue when one of them talks about some heroic trait they see in their dad (that is total hooey), but I never, ever share my thoughts on it.
It's not easy, and early on I felt like I should win an academy award for faking being "OK" through the divorce when they were present, but it paid off big for my kids, which is what matters.
You may want to look into DivorceCare. It's not therapy, but it's sort of a support group (they have a version for kids, too). It's faith based, if that matters. Best of luck to you. It does get better-- believe it or not, at one point you will look back at this, and realize that it is your past. :flowerforyou:0 -
This whole situation is rather heartbreaking. I don't know how it's come about that he has the child so much more often than you, but assuming what you say is true and he's trying to make you out to be a bad person in the child's eyes you may want to contact your lawyer to see if you can't get more visitation or custody during the separation period so that things are slightly more balanced between the two of you.
And I have heard good things about play therapy, actually.0 -
I think some of the comments about the dad are harsh :-/ The dad is trying to make light of the situation for his son's sake, not to bash mom. My ex and I split when our daughter was 3. She and I moved 1000 miles away back to where my family was. He had an affair and didn't want the marriage to work and I had nowhere else to go. She's 6.5 years old now and adjusted pretty well. We talk about daddy like he lives with us. We pray for daddy and her family in PA. We skype, mail pictures, and call him whenever she wants. She also has free access to his parents who she loves and misses dearly. I don't talk bad about daddy even when she asks why daddy doesn't want to live with us, I just tell her that he doesn't love mommy anymore. That in itself may seem harsh, but I feel honesty is best. She will find out on her on why he doesn't love me anymore. BUT, I always reassure her that daddy loves her very much and that will never change. In fact, he flies in to visit and stays with us. He sleeps with her in her room. We do things with her because we still are a family of sorts and we both want her to have childhood memories of both of her parents. It's hard on me at times, I must admit, because I still love him with all my heart. I'm hoping one day, that he will give me my heart back and I can move on. In the meantime, just talk about your ex in front of your child how you wished to be talked about even if it's a one way street at times. It works out in the end! Good luck!0
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Never argue in front of your son.
Always be civil with your soon-to-be ex.
Never dis your soon-to-be ex in front of your son.
Never use your son as a pawn to get what you want.
Answer your son's questions in a positive manner.0 -
My parents divorced when I was a year old and I never remember them being together so I was always okay with them being divorced because my parents remained friends - until 2 years ago when their friendship suffered a huge blow and now they no longer talk. I think the end of their friendship in my 20's was harder on me than their initial divorce.
The only thing I can suggest (as a non-parent) is to set up a rigid schedule for who sees your son and when. He'll become used to the routine of seeing Mom on certain days and Dad on certain days and he'll find comfort in the routine.0 -
In some ways yes it will get better, in others it wont. And this is not always true for all divorced parents. In my case, my ex and I divorced when my youngest was 8. For awhile the kids were seeing him every other weekend. The ex opted out of his wednesday visits. He always had the option to have the kids whenever he wanted. Sadly, he stuck to the every other weekend visits. Now my youngest is 17, he has spent maybe 3 nights with his dad in the last 3 yrs. To this day I still praise my son for all of his accomplishments and how proud of him I am, he says thanks but what he really wants, is to hear that from his dad. Breaks my heart every time. Unfortunately for my son, his dad and I dont have a relationship where I can tell him how his son is feeling.
So in a nut shell, do the best you can to foster their relationship. Reassure your son that you love him and his best interest will always come first. As time goes on you may want to seek counseling. It helped with our family. Good luck to you. Best wishes.0 -
I was a military wife for 20 yrs. As he moved up the ladder the family went down his priority list. Divorced when my daughter was 7 and doubled my parenting time so she didn't feel like she lost 2 parents. You need to be a really good role model so the child can have happy not traumatized memories of his parents. I don't believe kids are resilient, personally, I just think they have to deal with the situation because they don't have a vote. A boy needs Dad time so his father needs some child raising counseling, especially never criticisizing the former spouse. It puts the little guy in the middle and that's a horrible place to be. He needs to feel his parents are there for him no matter what.0
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I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.
Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??
"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."
Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced
Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.
If he is trying to turn him against you then why are you letting your son stay with him, instead of with you?
I am coming around more, but he is in a huge 3400sq foot home, with all his toys and stuff. I am living with roommates so it's a better environment for him until I get my own place.. It's a 50/50 Arrangement we are in the process of getting...0
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