Divorce & Children?
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I was a military wife for 20 yrs. As he moved up the ladder the family went down his priority list. Divorced when my daughter was 7 and doubled my parenting time so she didn't feel like she lost 2 parents. You need to be a really good role model so the child can have happy not traumatized memories of his parents. I don't believe kids are resilient, personally, I just think they have to deal with the situation because they don't have a vote. A boy needs Dad time so his father needs some child raising counseling, especially never criticisizing the former spouse. It puts the little guy in the middle and that's a horrible place to be. He needs to feel his parents are there for him no matter what.
This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO US... As he moved up the ladder the family went down the ladder.....0 -
Be friendly but don't force being friends if it's not meant to be. Kids are perceptive and they pick up on the little things. My ex and I will probably never be the best of friends but we're pretty good about being friendly around him. We have plenty of unfriendly conversations but are always careful never to expose him to it. The times that we did try to be friends created problems and I think he could tell.
And mediation is a great thing. I applaud your efforts there. I hope you get a good mediator and that the two of you can keep it amicable.0 -
... I don't talk bad about daddy even when she asks why daddy doesn't want to live with us, I just tell her that he doesn't love mommy anymore. That in itself may seem harsh, but I feel honesty is best. She will find out on her on why he doesn't love me anymore. BUT, I always reassure her that daddy loves her very much and that will never change.
You may not think "honesty is best" but... you'd be incorrect. You're projecting your hurt over your divorce directly onto that child. It's classic behavior that's damaging to a child.
“Balancing the DIVORCE Equation”
Children's Fears:
“Is it my fault? What did I do wrong?”
“Daddy doesn’t love mommy anymore, could he stop loving me?”
“Can I tell mom what a great time I had with Dad?”
“I hate hearing my Dad say bad things about Mom, but I’m afraid to say anything.”0 -
I didn't read all of the replies, but that's about the age my kids were when we split.
It DOES get better with time, I also found that a solid structure/schedule is a must. An absolute must.
Set your weekends up or days and do not move them around or switch off the grown ups decided to split so YOU make it work.
The first 6 months to a year, this is crucial to have your child get used to the "new" way things are.
Never ever under any circumstances talk negative in the slightest way about the other parent, never put them in a bad light....and always tell them that Mommy and Daddy love you...if you do prayers don't let your child omit daddy just becuase he's at your house....encourage talk about Daddy when the child brings it up.
And I always use the reason for the split as "We had grown up issues, that you don't need to worry about" However my 6 year old speculates these whopper stories and I just laugh.0 -
I didn't read all of the replies, but that's about the age my kids were when we split.
It DOES get better with time, I also found that a solid structure/schedule is a must. An absolute must.
Set your weekends up or days and do not move them around or switch off the grown ups decided to split so YOU make it work.
The first 6 months to a year, this is crucial to have your child get used to the "new" way things are.
Never ever under any circumstances talk negative in the slightest way about the other parent, never put them in a bad light....and always tell them that Mommy and Daddy love you...if you do prayers don't let your child omit daddy just becuase he's at your house....encourage talk about Daddy when the child brings it up.
And I always use the reason for the split as "We had grown up issues, that you don't need to worry about" However my 6 year old speculates these whopper stories and I just laugh.
*HI FIVE*0 -
I got divorced the first time, when my kids were, 6 yrs and 2 yrs, the 2 yr old adjusted really well, the 6 yr old, thought it was her fault so i had a talk with her and told her that it wasnt anything she or her brother did that its better for mommy and daddy to live in different places. after that she adjusted pretty fast. it does get better though!0
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This happened with my daughter however our situation was different my soon to be ex husband went to work one morning and waited for us to go to my doctors appointment and came home and moved out so she never got to say goodbye or anything. Almost that was seven months ago tomorrow and he still has had no contact with our 4 children. It took her a few weeks to begin throwing a fit when I dropped her off at daycare. I finally sat down and asked her flat out if the reason she did this was because she thought I would not come back. Her answer yes like daddy. Broken hearted I explained to her that I would NEVER leave her and if something happened that I could not make it to pick her up (I was pregnant at the time) I would make sure grandma and grandpa would get her and bring her to me. It took me and her about a week I would give her something of mine to hold until I came back to get her then she was ok. I fear what will happen when her dad decides to use his visitation if we will go through this all over again0
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Keep your head up. My mom was divorced 3 times and my dad was divorced 3 times. While divorce it tough it's sometimes necessary. Just reassure your little man that you love him and you will always be his mommy even though you aren't with his daddy. And don't worry he will be ok - promise! Be strong!0
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He'll adjust to it. He's young enough. He probably won't even really remember all of this in the long run. You both just need to make time for him. You might not love each other anymore and he can know that. Just make sure he knows you both love HIM.
Ehh...not necessarily true. My younger brother was 2 when my parents divorced and he still struggles with it (he's 25 now). It's definitely shaped who he is as a person.
My parents were civil and mature in the beginning, but it only took a year or two (and remarriages for both) for it to turn ugly.
Let me echo all the others who have said be mature, co-parent, explain things to your son in a sensible way, and still act as a family when you can (his school events, some holidays, etc). It will make it so much easier in the long run.0 -
Divorce sucks, and it always affects kids. A lot of docs say that kids are resilient, but it's a permanent scar affecting them for life.
The best thing you can ever do is not bad mouth your ex to the child. Make sure they feel supported when they go to be with the other parent. If you need a mediator, it already doesn't sound good.
My ex fancied calling me all sorts of things, and when she died this spring, one of my daughters wasn't even sure if she wanted to be at the funeral. If you want to be hated on your death bed, just be nasty, it will work like a charm.0 -
I was about your son's age when my parents split, and I guess I was okay with it because to me it was just the way it always was. I don't have many memories from when they were together, and the ones I do have are not good ones. I always looked at it as a positive, actually, relative to what it would have been like had they stayed together (they were quite hostile). I had a good relationship with both my parents for many years, up until my dad got married. His wife caused all kinds of problems as she was convinced that even after many, many years my dad still had feelings for my mom, which took quite a toll on our relationship as she would not allow him to have any kind of reasonable contact with her. I now haven't talked to my dad in 3 years, BUT I have a wonderful relationship with my mom.
My point being, even if your ex is a butthead, you can still have a good relationship with your son, so long as he knows how much YOU care about him.0 -
I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.
This. If he thinks his parents still at least like each other, he'll be OK. His world won't be so ripped apart.0 -
I'm about to finalize my divorce in the next couple months, and we have 2 children together (3 year old twin boys).
It gets easier. Your child will have some fall out, but let them feel that. Even though my ex-husband is vile and makes life extremely difficult for me, I still maintain to our children that we "are friends". My situation is slightly different custody-wise because my ex pretty much divorced our kids through this as well. He sees them once a week. Some people say "oh, that's not bad" so let's put that into perspective. My ex sees his 2 sons 1 time in 7 days, 4 out of 31, and 48 out of 365.
48 days out of 365. wow.
Thankfully, my kids have come through it pretty well. They don't ask about him much, and don't question much, but when they do, I maintain that we are friends, just don't live together anymore. Make sure you see him as much as humanly possible right now, spend quality time, and hug/love him as much as possible. My kids have become VERY bonded towards me, and are VERY affectionate now.
They adjust, it just definitely takes time. Hopefully your ex stops with the negative comments, even though he's hurting, he really shouldn't be letting your child deal with adult problems.0 -
My ex fancied calling me all sorts of things, and when she died this spring, one of my daughters wasn't even sure if she wanted to be at the funeral. If you want to be hated on your death bed, just be nasty, it will work like a charm.
So true. Bad mouthing *may* only work for a limited time. Eventually, the kids will catch on and know what the bad mouthing parent is doing. They're not stupid.
Remember, you're bad mouthing their father/mother!!0 -
I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.
^this0 -
Why did you move out and leave him with your husband? You've also said in another thread that you've joined a dating site and have started dating. My advice is to put his needs before yours right now. He's probably scared and feels insecure. Things CAN get better, but you and your husband both need to put your son first right now. It doesn't sound like either of you are doing that.0
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My 2 year old daughters dad and I broke up about a month ago and he moved out (all his decision, I thought we were happy). I had really hoped that we would be able to make things work smoothly for our daughter and stay friendly but I feel like he is not willing to meet me half way. He is being pretty stubborn and already he is flaking out when he is suppose to see her or call her. I would never say anything bad about him to my daughter but I guess I have discussed it with other people around her and will definitely be more careful with that. I sometimes forget that even at 2 she understands so much and is always listening even if she is watching Dora, lol.
I do firmly believe that her happiness and well being NEEDS to be the priority and I am trying so hard to do what I think is best for her even if that means that I feel like I am always giving in to him and his requests. I hope she never ends up hating her dad but if she ever does I DO NOT want it to be because of anything that I said or did. All I can do is keep trying to be the bigger person and hope it will all work out in the end.
Good luck to you, it's definitely not an easy situation to go through.0 -
Why did you move out and leave him with your husband? You've also said in another thread that you've joined a dating site and have started dating. My advice is to put his needs before yours right now. He's probably scared and feels insecure. Things CAN get better, but you and your husband both need to put your son first right now. It doesn't sound like either of you are doing that.
I moved out because he wouldn't leave and we could NOT live under the same roof anymore. It was getting extremely heated. He was sleeping downstairs and I was sleeping upstairs but it was a terrible situation. Why am I dating? Because I wanted to move on with my life, especially after the past 6 years feeling very alone in my marriage and not having any sort of companionship...I am always there for my son. I work during the week, pick him up after I get off work and take him somewhere fun or have him sleep at my place where I am and every other weekend we are together. My ex does not want to date or move on and has said he "never will" . That is on him, but I have been unhappy for quite sometime and I deserve to be happy in my life.0 -
my daughter wwas 17 months old when her dad and i split up (though she was 7 when i finanlly got my divorce because he fled and i couldnt find him in order to get the divorce). there were days i would drop her off at day care (or my mom depending on my schedule at work) and sshe would cling but that was normal the only problem we really ahd with her dad was him not showing up when he promised he would show up (even now taht she is 24 with a child of her own he is still pulling her in 20 different directinos saying he wil come then he wont come even pulling that when she graduated high school and got married) he did eventually show up for graduation but not wedding he hasnt even had the never to come 5 hours to see his only grandchild who is now fixing to turn 3 years old yet i see her at least once or 2ce a week so no it isnt u its a phase0
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Do the best you can with what you have... I left when my kids were almost 3 and 5. I tried really hard in the beginning to remain friends including going to Disney World twice with him (once with his GF too). However, the lying he continued to do finally killed even the friendship. I am now just civil with him. That's all you can do.
As far as explaining, my daughter doesn't remember ever living together. My son remembers me as a very mad/angry mother and that changed when I left. I mellowed out over time.0 -
My ex fancied calling me all sorts of things, and when she died this spring, one of my daughters wasn't even sure if she wanted to be at the funeral. If you want to be hated on your death bed, just be nasty, it will work like a charm.
So true. Bad mouthing *may* only work for a limited time. Eventually, the kids will catch on and know what the bad mouthing parent is doing. They're not stupid.
Remember, you're bad mouthing their father/mother!!
i never abd mouthd my ex to point where i turned my daughter against her dad he proved to her what he was by failing to keep promises, etc. she came to me when she was 14 and told me that when she got married she would invite her dad to the wedding but by no means was he goingto walk her down the ailse since my dad was the one that actually raised her she said my dad would walk her down the aisle. as far as bad mouthing the other parent i wish my eldest neice would get a grip when her mom and dad (My brotehr) got divorced her mom got upset cuz we took my brother side and bad mouthed my brother so bad that not only did their daughter turn against him but she also turned against us and she was around 10 and her brother around 8 when they divorced my nephew did reconcile with his dad and all and is very active in the family unlike his sister0 -
It gets better.
I had a long nasty divorce and custody battle(restraining orders and police were involved). Every year it gets easier to manage. It has been 5 years now and things aren't perfect but we can at least talk about any problems the kids are having together. I still don't like some of things he does at his house, and I'm sure he feels the same about me. Control your own behavor and keep things positive with your son.0 -
I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.
Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??
"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."
Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced
Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.
If he is trying to turn him against you then why are you letting your son stay with him, instead of with you?
My kids were 10 and 8 when we split up. Unfortunately my ex did the same kind of things. Badmouthing me to the kids when they wentt o visit him. He put me down for years. They would come home and question me and I would say,"You live with me, you know how I am." I never , ever put him down. I would encourage them to spend time with him. Now the kids are 22 and 20 and they would both tell you that their father was an *kitten*. He passed away a year and a half ago due to colon cancer. And ..although they miss him, they do know how he was.
Be the better person. Never ever put him down to your son. Your son has a right to love both parents equally. he has a right to not feel that he has to pick sides. he didn't ask to be in a family that broke apart. So respect your son. One day, if your ex continues with the crap, he will understand ...and he will appreciate you for being the better person0 -
Stupid question; why can't it be reconciled if one half of the party doesn't want it to end?0
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Stupid question; why can't it be reconciled if one half of the party doesn't want it to end?
After several counseling sessions and so much water under the bridge, and hurt and a broken heart, you loose feelings and cannot try anymore....0 -
Stupid question; why can't it be reconciled if one half of the party doesn't want it to end?
Happy divorced parents are better than constantly fighting unhappy parents.0 -
Stupid question; why can't it be reconciled if one half of the party doesn't want it to end?
Happy divorced parents are better than constantly fighting unhappy parents.
Thank You for this....
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this is sad =(
does he get to see his dad everyday, or at least talk to him daily? even at 3 you can do that.
the most important thing IMO is to have a great relationship with your X no matter WHAT for your child. you should be willing to meet him half way on everything, including see his son everyday if possible.
it doesn’t have to be “part of the change” you get to control what happens.
He is actually with his Dad more right now.... I have him every other weekend, and Mon-Wednesday I pick him up from daycare and try and do something fun with him and drop him off with him... Eventually he is going to be staying those nights with me...
His dad doesn't want to accept the divorce, he is still very much in love with me and devastated.... so this is a huge struggle.
It is sad, but can you work it out? I divorced many years ago and now realize after 20 years it was a huge mistake.0 -
Stupid question; why can't it be reconciled if one half of the party doesn't want it to end?
Happy divorced parents are better than constantly fighting unhappy parents.
Thank You for this....
Totally agree!0 -
I work at a library with kids and there is a great new book out by Melanie Walsh called, " Living with Mom and Living with Dad". It is perfect for your son's age and it is actually really fun- not preachy or too informative. You should check it out!0
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