Divorce & Children?

jenbroussard71

You have to love your kid more than you hate each other. No matter how big a jerk he might be, let it go and be as respectful and polite as you can even if it kills you. And try not to discuss grown up problems in front of the child. If you have to vent, go out with some girlfriends or something and blow off steam. Don't do it on the phone when little ears can hear. You will only have to deal with this guy until your child is 18, but your child will have this father forever.

^^^THIS - My ex and I seperated when my kids were 3 and 15 months. We had our rough patches at first and then became friends for the kids. My boys are now 17 and 15 and are both very well adjusted. It will get better with time.

kit8806

I have a 4 year old who cried everyday when I dropped her off at day care. I was never married and never lived with her father. It has been a long struggle for us, but the best thing to do is remind your child that no matter what, mommy and daddy still love him. Tell him the things that will be the same, ie, movie nights or a special dinner. Just to hear he is still loved and things won't all change will be easier for him and he will warm up to the change. I have my daughter in play therapy, had a mentor service involved and myself in therapy and all gave the same advice. Not just because of the crying, but a whole slue of crap that has been on going... My ex recently had a child with his new g/f, and the change took a big toll on my daughter but she handled it a lot better than we thought she would. Now my ex isn't top notch...tried being mature and reasonable and it all bites me in the *kitten*. If your ex is a reasonable person than that will make a huge difference. As long as you and your ex can keep reminding your son of love and aren't arguing in front of him, etc, things will get better once he warms up to change.

cygnetpro

I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.
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^^^^ This. I divorced a few years ago with two young children. Even though the ex and I don't particularly like each other we NEVER badmouthed each other, we don't pump the kids for info about the other, we treat visitation as an awesomely exciting thing, etc. It's not easy, but it was the best thing we could have done. We didn't even mention divorce (they were 3 and 4 when we split) in front of them. The few times they asked questions, we answered it with things like, "Mommy and Daddy live in different homes now, but we love you both very, very much."

My kids had few or no problems over it all (8 and 9 now). My ex and I go to teacher conferences together, etc.

At times I have to bite my tongue when one of them talks about some heroic trait they see in their dad (that is total hooey), but I never, ever share my thoughts on it.

It's not easy, and early on I felt like I should win an academy award for faking being "OK" through the divorce when they were present, but it paid off big for my kids, which is what matters.

You may want to look into DivorceCare. It's not therapy, but it's sort of a support group (they have a version for kids, too). It's faith based, if that matters. Best of luck to you. It does get better-- believe it or not, at one point you will look back at this, and realize that it is your past. :flowerforyou:

odusgolp

This whole situation is rather heartbreaking. I don't know how it's come about that he has the child so much more often than you, but assuming what you say is true and he's trying to make you out to be a bad person in the child's eyes you may want to contact your lawyer to see if you can't get more visitation or custody during the separation period so that things are slightly more balanced between the two of you.

And I have heard good things about play therapy, actually.

MelodyinGa

I think some of the comments about the dad are harsh :-/ The dad is trying to make light of the situation for his son's sake, not to bash mom. My ex and I split when our daughter was 3. She and I moved 1000 miles away back to where my family was. He had an affair and didn't want the marriage to work and I had nowhere else to go. She's 6.5 years old now and adjusted pretty well. We talk about daddy like he lives with us. We pray for daddy and her family in PA. We skype, mail pictures, and call him whenever she wants. She also has free access to his parents who she loves and misses dearly. I don't talk bad about daddy even when she asks why daddy doesn't want to live with us, I just tell her that he doesn't love mommy anymore. That in itself may seem harsh, but I feel honesty is best. She will find out on her on why he doesn't love me anymore. BUT, I always reassure her that daddy loves her very much and that will never change. In fact, he flies in to visit and stays with us. He sleeps with her in her room. We do things with her because we still are a family of sorts and we both want her to have childhood memories of both of her parents. It's hard on me at times, I must admit, because I still love him with all my heart. I'm hoping one day, that he will give me my heart back and I can move on. In the meantime, just talk about your ex in front of your child how you wished to be talked about even if it's a one way street at times. It works out in the end! Good luck!

delilah47

Never argue in front of your son.
Always be civil with your soon-to-be ex.
Never dis your soon-to-be ex in front of your son.
Never use your son as a pawn to get what you want.
Answer your son's questions in a positive manner.

melsmith612

My parents divorced when I was a year old and I never remember them being together so I was always okay with them being divorced because my parents remained friends - until 2 years ago when their friendship suffered a huge blow and now they no longer talk. I think the end of their friendship in my 20's was harder on me than their initial divorce.

The only thing I can suggest (as a non-parent) is to set up a rigid schedule for who sees your son and when. He'll become used to the routine of seeing Mom on certain days and Dad on certain days and he'll find comfort in the routine.

rcalvert1

In some ways yes it will get better, in others it wont. And this is not always true for all divorced parents. In my case, my ex and I divorced when my youngest was 8. For awhile the kids were seeing him every other weekend. The ex opted out of his wednesday visits. He always had the option to have the kids whenever he wanted. Sadly, he stuck to the every other weekend visits. Now my youngest is 17, he has spent maybe 3 nights with his dad in the last 3 yrs. To this day I still praise my son for all of his accomplishments and how proud of him I am, he says thanks but what he really wants, is to hear that from his dad. Breaks my heart every time. Unfortunately for my son, his dad and I dont have a relationship where I can tell him how his son is feeling.

So in a nut shell, do the best you can to foster their relationship. Reassure your son that you love him and his best interest will always come first. As time goes on you may want to seek counseling. It helped with our family. Good luck to you. Best wishes.

vvanm

I was a military wife for 20 yrs. As he moved up the ladder the family went down his priority list. Divorced when my daughter was 7 and doubled my parenting time so she didn't feel like she lost 2 parents. You need to be a really good role model so the child can have happy not traumatized memories of his parents. I don't believe kids are resilient, personally, I just think they have to deal with the situation because they don't have a vote. A boy needs Dad time so his father needs some child raising counseling, especially never criticisizing the former spouse. It puts the little guy in the middle and that's a horrible place to be. He needs to feel his parents are there for him no matter what.

ohmykai

I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.

Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??

"Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here."

Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced

Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.

If he is trying to turn him against you then why are you letting your son stay with him, instead of with you?

I am coming around more, but he is in a huge 3400sq foot home, with all his toys and stuff. I am living with roommates so it's a better environment for him until I get my own place.. It's a 50/50 Arrangement we are in the process of getting...

ohmykai

I was a military wife for 20 yrs. As he moved up the ladder the family went down his priority list. Divorced when my daughter was 7 and doubled my parenting time so she didn't feel like she lost 2 parents. You need to be a really good role model so the child can have happy not traumatized memories of his parents. I don't believe kids are resilient, personally, I just think they have to deal with the situation because they don't have a vote. A boy needs Dad time so his father needs some child raising counseling, especially never criticisizing the former spouse. It puts the little guy in the middle and that's a horrible place to be. He needs to feel his parents are there for him no matter what.

This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO US... As he moved up the ladder the family went down the ladder.....

rocko123

Be friendly but don't force being friends if it's not meant to be. Kids are perceptive and they pick up on the little things. My ex and I will probably never be the best of friends but we're pretty good about being friendly around him. We have plenty of unfriendly conversations but are always careful never to expose him to it. The times that we did try to be friends created problems and I think he could tell.

And mediation is a great thing. I applaud your efforts there. I hope you get a good mediator and that the two of you can keep it amicable.

odusgolp

... I don't talk bad about daddy even when she asks why daddy doesn't want to live with us, I just tell her that he doesn't love mommy anymore. That in itself may seem harsh, but I feel honesty is best. She will find out on her on why he doesn't love me anymore. BUT, I always reassure her that daddy loves her very much and that will never change.

You may not think "honesty is best" but... you'd be incorrect. You're projecting your hurt over your divorce directly onto that child. It's classic behavior that's damaging to a child.

“Balancing the DIVORCE Equation”

Children's Fears:

“Is it my fault? What did I do wrong?”
“Daddy doesn’t love mommy anymore, could he stop loving me?”
“Can I tell mom what a great time I had with Dad?”
“I hate hearing my Dad say bad things about Mom, but I’m afraid to say anything.”

farmers_daughter

I didn't read all of the replies, but that's about the age my kids were when we split.

It DOES get better with time, I also found that a solid structure/schedule is a must. An absolute must.

Set your weekends up or days and do not move them around or switch off the grown ups decided to split so YOU make it work.

The first 6 months to a year, this is crucial to have your child get used to the "new" way things are.

Never ever under any circumstances talk negative in the slightest way about the other parent, never put them in a bad light....and always tell them that Mommy and Daddy love you...if you do prayers don't let your child omit daddy just becuase he's at your house....encourage talk about Daddy when the child brings it up.

And I always use the reason for the split as "We had grown up issues, that you don't need to worry about" However my 6 year old speculates these whopper stories and I just laugh.

odusgolp

I didn't read all of the replies, but that's about the age my kids were when we split.

It DOES get better with time, I also found that a solid structure/schedule is a must. An absolute must.

Set your weekends up or days and do not move them around or switch off the grown ups decided to split so YOU make it work.

The first 6 months to a year, this is crucial to have your child get used to the "new" way things are.

Never ever under any circumstances talk negative in the slightest way about the other parent, never put them in a bad light....and always tell them that Mommy and Daddy love you...if you do prayers don't let your child omit daddy just becuase he's at your house....encourage talk about Daddy when the child brings it up.

And I always use the reason for the split as "We had grown up issues, that you don't need to worry about" However my 6 year old speculates these whopper stories and I just laugh.

*HI FIVE*

SheilaN1976

I got divorced the first time, when my kids were, 6 yrs and 2 yrs, the 2 yr old adjusted really well, the 6 yr old, thought it was her fault so i had a talk with her and told her that it wasnt anything she or her brother did that its better for mommy and daddy to live in different places. after that she adjusted pretty fast. it does get better though!

jarrett515

This happened with my daughter however our situation was different my soon to be ex husband went to work one morning and waited for us to go to my doctors appointment and came home and moved out so she never got to say goodbye or anything. Almost that was seven months ago tomorrow and he still has had no contact with our 4 children. It took her a few weeks to begin throwing a fit when I dropped her off at daycare. I finally sat down and asked her flat out if the reason she did this was because she thought I would not come back. Her answer yes like daddy. Broken hearted I explained to her that I would NEVER leave her and if something happened that I could not make it to pick her up (I was pregnant at the time) I would make sure grandma and grandpa would get her and bring her to me. It took me and her about a week I would give her something of mine to hold until I came back to get her then she was ok. I fear what will happen when her dad decides to use his visitation if we will go through this all over again

Chopper88

Keep your head up. My mom was divorced 3 times and my dad was divorced 3 times. While divorce it tough it's sometimes necessary. Just reassure your little man that you love him and you will always be his mommy even though you aren't with his daddy. And don't worry he will be ok - promise! Be strong!

LoraF83

He'll adjust to it. He's young enough. He probably won't even really remember all of this in the long run. You both just need to make time for him. You might not love each other anymore and he can know that. Just make sure he knows you both love HIM.

Ehh...not necessarily true. My younger brother was 2 when my parents divorced and he still struggles with it (he's 25 now). It's definitely shaped who he is as a person.
My parents were civil and mature in the beginning, but it only took a year or two (and remarriages for both) for it to turn ugly.

Let me echo all the others who have said be mature, co-parent, explain things to your son in a sensible way, and still act as a family when you can (his school events, some holidays, etc). It will make it so much easier in the long run.

dsjohndrow

Divorce sucks, and it always affects kids. A lot of docs say that kids are resilient, but it's a permanent scar affecting them for life.

The best thing you can ever do is not bad mouth your ex to the child. Make sure they feel supported when they go to be with the other parent. If you need a mediator, it already doesn't sound good.

My ex fancied calling me all sorts of things, and when she died this spring, one of my daughters wasn't even sure if she wanted to be at the funeral. If you want to be hated on your death bed, just be nasty, it will work like a charm.