Divorce & Children?
Replies
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My heart breaks for you and your child-this is a very hard time for all involved. I agree with the many who said "do not involve the child in this" for some reason children blame themselves-"if I would have done this or not done that Mommy and Daddy would still be together" just remind him that you will always love him and this is not his fault-don't talk bad about his Dad - you will end up being the bad guy. If therapy didn't work for him before chances are it won't work again-therapy only works if you open yourself up to the change it brings. You and your son could go though-it may make it easier for both of you. Good luck-keep being the good Mother that you are already.0
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It never gets easier!!! I divorced my husband when my children were 3 & 7. They are now 7 & 11 and my son (which is older) is still upset about it. My daughter wasnt affected by it at all I think she was too young. Maybe he thinks that you are not coming back to get him from day care bc he doesnt see his dad everyday??? Just love him extra when you pick him up from day care and kiss him more when he goes to bed at night....Good Luck!!0
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Frankly, I don't think you owe an explanation about your past - you are asking about the present situation and how to handle the future. And you aren't dead yet, of course you should date if you feel so inclined. Be careful about your child in the dating situation - others can inform you more about this than I can...Why did you move out and leave him with your husband? You've also said in another thread that you've joined a dating site and have started dating. My advice is to put his needs before yours right now. He's probably scared and feels insecure. Things CAN get better, but you and your husband both need to put your son first right now. It doesn't sound like either of you are doing that.
I moved out because he wouldn't leave and we could NOT live under the same roof anymore. It was getting extremely heated. He was sleeping downstairs and I was sleeping upstairs but it was a terrible situation. Why am I dating? Because I wanted to move on with my life, especially after the past 6 years feeling very alone in my marriage and not having any sort of companionship...I am always there for my son. I work during the week, pick him up after I get off work and take him somewhere fun or have him sleep at my place where I am and every other weekend we are together. My ex does not want to date or move on and has said he "never will" . That is on him, but I have been unhappy for quite sometime and I deserve to be happy in my life.0 -
Never argue in front of your son.
Always be civil with your soon-to-be ex.
Never dis your soon-to-be ex in front of your son.
Never use your son as a pawn to get what you want.
Answer your son's questions in a positive manner.
Perfect advice. My parents divorced when I was 4. Any time any of the above situations happened, it made things tougher.
I am 51 now and I still feel the effects of the divorce. Whenever my kids, their grandchildren, have birthdays or school functions, it is awkward for me to have both of my parents present. They are usually in opposite corners of the room and I go back and forth trying to visit with both......0 -
Frankly, I don't think you owe an explanation about your past - you are asking about the present situation and how to handle the future. And you aren't dead yet, of course you should date if you feel so inclined. Be careful about your child in the dating situation - others can inform you more about this than I can...
She asked for advice on the current situation. Her current situation is that she's dating before she's divorced and her son doesn't live with her because she moved out. My advice (which is what she asked for) is to focus on her son and his needs right now. He's too young to understand all that's going on.0 -
Frankly, I don't think you owe an explanation about your past - you are asking about the present situation and how to handle the future. And you aren't dead yet, of course you should date if you feel so inclined. Be careful about your child in the dating situation - others can inform you more about this than I can...Why did you move out and leave him with your husband? You've also said in another thread that you've joined a dating site and have started dating. My advice is to put his needs before yours right now. He's probably scared and feels insecure. Things CAN get better, but you and your husband both need to put your son first right now. It doesn't sound like either of you are doing that.
I moved out because he wouldn't leave and we could NOT live under the same roof anymore. It was getting extremely heated. He was sleeping downstairs and I was sleeping upstairs but it was a terrible situation. Why am I dating? Because I wanted to move on with my life, especially after the past 6 years feeling very alone in my marriage and not having any sort of companionship...I am always there for my son. I work during the week, pick him up after I get off work and take him somewhere fun or have him sleep at my place where I am and every other weekend we are together. My ex does not want to date or move on and has said he "never will" . That is on him, but I have been unhappy for quite sometime and I deserve to be happy in my life.
My son will not be around ANYONE I date for a lonnnggg time, no how no way...... There is just no freakin' way.... I would never do that to him.. Not at least for 6 months to a year of knowing the person, call me crazy if that sounds like a long time but it is what it is... ;-) I look out for my lil' man and am not messing around when it comes to that stuff.0 -
Frankly, I don't think you owe an explanation about your past - you are asking about the present situation and how to handle the future. And you aren't dead yet, of course you should date if you feel so inclined. Be careful about your child in the dating situation - others can inform you more about this than I can...
She asked for advice on the current situation. Her current situation is that she's dating before she's divorced and her son doesn't live with her because she moved out. My advice (which is what she asked for) is to focus on her son and his needs right now. He's too young to understand all that's going on.
I believe she might be able to both focus on her son and still date. Yes, she asked for advice about her current situation (I said "present") - but the question was about her child and not her dating decisions or why she moved out of the house. There could be a whole raft of reasons which really do not impact her future decisions. I believe this is what business folks call sunk costs...0 -
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this - divorce is never easy, for any of the people involved.
I think at age 3, your son most likely doesn't understand what's happening, no matter how much you try and explain it. Most children that age thrive on routine, and when things change they naturally become unsettled. But as long as you try to maintain consistency within the new situation he will eventually adjust and accept things.
I guess the advice I would give is:
- Try to come to an agreement with your ex about routine, discipline, etc. to ensure it's consistent in both environments - this will make your son feel more secure.
- Don't badmouth your ex in front of your child, and try to get him to agree the same. He might only be 3, but your child will pick up on the negativity if you don't try to control it.
- If your son asks questions, answer them as best you can. Ignoring them will only make him more confused.
- When big decisions are made, or big events (such as birthdays) happen, always present a united front with your ex in front of your son - not as a couple, but as parents.
- Reassure him constantly that you both love him, and that he will see you both regularly.
And finally, the fact you're here asking and worrying about the effect this is having on your son shows you are a wonderful mother who is clearly sensitive to her child's feelings. Don't beat yourself up - divorce is a terrible thing, but it happens. All you can do is continue making it as easy on him as you can.0 -
Frankly, I don't think you owe an explanation about your past - you are asking about the present situation and how to handle the future. And you aren't dead yet, of course you should date if you feel so inclined. Be careful about your child in the dating situation - others can inform you more about this than I can...Why did you move out and leave him with your husband? You've also said in another thread that you've joined a dating site and have started dating. My advice is to put his needs before yours right now. He's probably scared and feels insecure. Things CAN get better, but you and your husband both need to put your son first right now. It doesn't sound like either of you are doing that.
I moved out because he wouldn't leave and we could NOT live under the same roof anymore. It was getting extremely heated. He was sleeping downstairs and I was sleeping upstairs but it was a terrible situation. Why am I dating? Because I wanted to move on with my life, especially after the past 6 years feeling very alone in my marriage and not having any sort of companionship...I am always there for my son. I work during the week, pick him up after I get off work and take him somewhere fun or have him sleep at my place where I am and every other weekend we are together. My ex does not want to date or move on and has said he "never will" . That is on him, but I have been unhappy for quite sometime and I deserve to be happy in my life.
My son will not be around ANYONE I date for a lonnnggg time, no how no way...... There is just no freakin' way.... I would never do that to him.. Not at least for 6 months to a year of knowing the person, call me crazy if that sounds like a long time but it is what it is... ;-) I look out for my lil' man and am not messing around when it comes to that stuff.
I feel the same way and I think that's smart. I've been separated for a little over a year now, and have yet to start dating. I'm just not interested at this point, haven't really made time to meet people, and basically have been solely focused on my children & bettering our lives. However, when I DO start dating (and this is different for everyone, some people date straight away, others don't) I won't be introducting that person into my kids lives until it is SERIOUS. My ex husband laughs at me for this, and thinks i'm ridiculous, but i think it's respectful of my children and responsible.0 -
Frankly, I don't think you owe an explanation about your past - you are asking about the present situation and how to handle the future. And you aren't dead yet, of course you should date if you feel so inclined. Be careful about your child in the dating situation - others can inform you more about this than I can...
She asked for advice on the current situation. Her current situation is that she's dating before she's divorced and her son doesn't live with her because she moved out. My advice (which is what she asked for) is to focus on her son and his needs right now. He's too young to understand all that's going on.
I believe she might be able to both focus on her son and still date. Yes, she asked for advice about her current situation (I said "present") - but the question was about her child and not her dating decisions or why she moved out of the house. There could be a whole raft of reasons which really do not impact her future decisions. I believe this is what business folks call sunk costs...
Thank You for your Post (s).... I didn't know dating was frowned upon when you are legally separated as under the court of law... And also it is made to sound as if I abandoned my son when I moved out. If I didn't move out 2 people going through a divorce would still be under the same roof screaming at each other... Yeah GREAT situation for a 3 year old to see. Which is why I was the better person and wanted my son to see a better environment. HE is still there more so because he has a AMAZING bedroom there full of everything a child could ask for, and I wanted him to be surrounded more by familiar things than a foreign home right now.
(This post is directed for others to understand, lol)0 -
I've been divorced 4 years and my child has never met a single man I've dated. I can date without him being involved... plain & simple. When I meet someone worthy of my son's amazing presence, he'll get to meet him *LOL*0
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I'm not judging you. I'm giving you my advice to this question in your OP:Thank You for your Post (s).... I didn't know dating was frowned upon when you are legally separated as under the court of law... And also it is made to sound as if I abandoned my son when I moved out. If I didn't move out 2 people going through a divorce would still be under the same roof screaming at each other... Yeah GREAT situation for a 3 year old to see. Which is why I was the better person and wanted my son to see a better environment. HE is still there more so because he has a AMAZING bedroom there full of everything a child could ask for, and I wanted him to be surrounded more by familiar things than a foreign home right now.How can I make it easier on him or what can I do?
And I asked about why she moved out without him to see if there was any abuse. If so, I would have given other advice on how to help her son.0 -
I know a woman who moved out to get a good job, start over, and was planning to get her children when she got settled. Her husband claimed abandonment and got full custody. I hope the laws are different in your state, but you do need good legal counsel. Also, make sure there is an legal agreement over who pays for college. Obligations will end at age 18 otherwise. Just a little hindsight advice.0
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I'm not judging you. I'm giving you my advice to this question in your OP:Thank You for your Post (s).... I didn't know dating was frowned upon when you are legally separated as under the court of law... And also it is made to sound as if I abandoned my son when I moved out. If I didn't move out 2 people going through a divorce would still be under the same roof screaming at each other... Yeah GREAT situation for a 3 year old to see. Which is why I was the better person and wanted my son to see a better environment. HE is still there more so because he has a AMAZING bedroom there full of everything a child could ask for, and I wanted him to be surrounded more by familiar things than a foreign home right now.How can I make it easier on him or what can I do?
And I asked about why she moved out without him to see if there was any abuse. If so, I would have given other advice on how to help her son.
Yeah, if you wanted to ask about abuse then you could have done so much more directly than the questions you asked. But the implications you are making is that the OP is NOT putting her child first.
You said:
You've also said in another thread that you've joined a dating site and have started dating. My advice is to put his needs before yours right now. He's probably scared and feels insecure. Things CAN get better, but you and your husband both need to put your son first right now. It doesn't sound like either of you are doing that.
So, this is a lot of nonsense. Well, anyway, it isn't related to what you are saying now which is you asked the questions because you were concerned about abuse...
And, frankly, you DID judge - you said, "it doesn't sound like either of you are [putting your son first ]."
I am sorry, I don't want to get into an Internet war...
Edited - You can judge all you want, I don't really care - but I do care when you say you are not doing judging someone and you clearly are.0 -
I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.
Agreed 100% once me and ex were civil the kids were much better with the situation. I have 3 boys.0 -
My ex and I have been on a shared parenting plan for about a year now and my son, who is almost 3, still goes through that. It isn't quite as bad as it was in the beginning so there is hope. It is a super difficult thing for them to deal with. I feel your pain!0
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Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.
You need to be documenting EVERYTHING. Having a good relationship with him would be ideal, but it doesn't sound like it's realistic if he's not ready to accept you've left. If he's saying negative things about you to your child, you need to keep track of that, as well - because that is usually grounds for the parent being spoken ABOUT to get primary custody. It's unfair of him to put your son in the middle in that way, regardless of how old he is.0 -
You're right, I was judging her actions, but I didn't mean to make it sound like I think she's a bad person. My advice is for her to focus on her son right now and his needs above her own. She'll be happy she did that years from now.And, frankly, you did judge - you said, "it doesn't sound like either of you are [putting your son first ]."0 -
He'll adjust to it. He's young enough. He probably won't even really remember all of this in the long run. You both just need to make time for him. You might not love each other anymore and he can know that. Just make sure he knows you both love HIM.
he may not remember the crying he's doing, but he may remember that you broke up his family and left him and his daddy... even if the custody is shared.
Divorce is always hard on the children involved. they may not react the same, but many of them act out in anger or frustration because they want their family together.
Children know that marriage is supposed to be forever and they hate when their lives are torn apart. both my sisters have been divorced and their children make it hard and are tired of the spilt vacations and such. divorce makes it hard for the children to be whole.
not loving someone is a choice, not an emotion. if you've made that choice you have to deal with the results.0 -
You're right, I was judging her actions, but I didn't mean to make it sound like I think she's a bad person. My advice is for her to focus on her son right now and his needs above her own. She'll be happy she did that years from now.And, frankly, you did judge - you said, "it doesn't sound like either of you are [putting your son first ]."
Ah, see, now I like you
. Hijack over. 0 -
Really, one of the best things you can do is try to get along and not talk crap about the other in front of him. And, once he see's that and see's that you guys are happier he'll deal better. My ex was very abusive and I caught him in bed with my friend I left him when my kids weren't even 1 and 4 but, I get along with him when my kids are around I do not fight with him or talk crap about him in front of them and I saw a huge difference. It gets easier, good luck!0
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Remember that your child is a part of both of you so if you tear each other down in front of your child, you are tearing away at a part of him. Try to keep it civil and away from your child.0
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I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.
^^^THIS. But it took my ex going through a SECOND divorce a year after ours to get him to start acting like a human being. From the day his second ex took off, we have been on very cordial terms. But my DD had more trouble than my DS since my ex had residential custody....she needed me more that EOW. The same is important for a son...they need their father more than EOW. I hope you both can work out a liberal visitation for your son's sake. Good luck! 0 -
I couldn't have said it any better!!!!!!!!!! - MostlyFavored!0
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I'll be frank, I was in the military and I know what goes on when the men get deployed. In addition to being frank, I was also the 'other guy' more times than I care to admit. Don't judge me. I was young. My point is, most men, if they truly love you, are willing to forgive as long as the significant other isn't keeping their options open to put more water under the bridge.Stupid question; why can't it be reconciled if one half of the party doesn't want it to end?
After several counseling sessions and so much water under the bridge, and hurt and a broken heart, you loose feelings and cannot try anymore....0 -
My husband was three when his parents got divorced. It wasn't friendly. He had a rough childhood with an abusive, alcoholic stepfather, an enabler mother, a controlling, manipulative stepmother and a distant father. He no longer speaks to either parent and really feels nothing but bitterness for them. Amazingly, he turned out to be an awesome person and he is the most loving husband to me.
I think the key is to keep things as positive and friendly as possible. Make sure neither parent trash-talks the other. When you trash-talk a kid's parent, you are essentially trash-talking the kid. Respect is key. :flowerforyou:0 -
I'll be frank, I was in the military and I know what goes on when the men get deployed. In addition to being frank, I was also the 'other guy' more times than I care to admit. Don't judge me. I was young. My point is, most men, if they truly love you, are willing to forgive as long as the significant other isn't keeping their options open to put more water under the bridge.Stupid question; why can't it be reconciled if one half of the party doesn't want it to end?
After several counseling sessions and so much water under the bridge, and hurt and a broken heart, you loose feelings and cannot try anymore....
It's not just the deployment at all. It's 20+ years of service and the more the rank he took the furthur detached he got from me... He has always been a very quiet person, but as time grew on (13 years) it got harder and harder and he just got very distant from me to where I was completely alone and we were like roommates, no way to have a marriage.
I respect our Military more then you know, it makes me sad how they are treated though, and to not show their emotions, I have seen what it did to him.... But I also know even without it what he is NOT capable of and he cannot give me what I want....
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My children are older, 15 and 19. When I divorced last year I promised myself I simply would not discuss my ex in front of my kids, and when I had to have personal conversations with him I did it at a time and place they were not around. I talk to my ex on an almost daily basis about our son who still lives at home.
Personally I cant stand my ex. He is still my son's father. I love my son more than anything. THAT is more important to me then my feelings or hurt from the divorce. (my ex choice to end our 16 year marriage-with no warning). When my baby is an adult, I will no longer have to have any contact with my ex. I can handle it until then.
Divorce is hard. It hurts everyone. Children however are very resilient as many have said. Depending on your state, there might be ordinances against making negative statements to your child about your former spouse, so check that if it gets too nasty.
Good luck to you. It does get better.0 -
My parents separated when I was 4, divorced when I was 6 or 7. It didnt really affect me too much, I was too young to know what was going on. Then we moved interstate and dad and his new wench followed, and we had weekend visits and it was all good. Then dad ended up moving in with us and has lived with us for about the past ten yrs. Him and mum still argue occasionally, and when I was younger it bothered me, but they've both mellowed out and live together and are happy. i wouldnt stress too much about your boy, he will remember some parts but will mostly remember the visits and how mum and dad are towards each other. There was a lot of hatred between my parents when I was younger and it sucked, but its all worked out now. Eventually you and your ex will get to that good place but if he keeps saying douchey things to your son, then get more custody of him. Your son doesnt need the confusion.0
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I'll be frank, I was in the military and I know what goes on when the men get deployed. In addition to being frank, I was also the 'other guy' more times than I care to admit. Don't judge me. I was young. My point is, most men, if they truly love you, are willing to forgive as long as the significant other isn't keeping their options open to put more water under the bridge.Stupid question; why can't it be reconciled if one half of the party doesn't want it to end?
After several counseling sessions and so much water under the bridge, and hurt and a broken heart, you loose feelings and cannot try anymore....
It's not just the deployment at all. It's 20+ years of service and the more the rank he took the furthur detached he got from me... He has always been a very quiet person, but as time grew on (13 years) it got harder and harder and he just got very distant from me to where I was completely alone and we were like roommates, no way to have a marriage.
I respect our Military more then you know, it makes me sad how they are treated though, and to not show their emotions, I have seen what it did to him.... But I also know even without it what he is NOT capable of and he cannot give me what I want....
I understand. Don't get me wrong. I really do. It's just that there are no innocents in that game and, I don't mean to be rude, but the whole victim thing just doesn't sit right with me. I never set out to be a home wrecker. Those women were much older than me. They were not victims. They knew exactly what they wanted, some more... 'specific' than others. Who do you think was buying the drinks? Certainly not the underage teenager. I knew one in particular who decided that having a threeway with two guys, neither of which being her husband, was more important than her family just because she saw that dumb movie with Stephen Baldwin in it. And they say we're shallow. Bottom line, I still think petty differences can be reconciled and things that happened in the past can be forgiven.0
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