Need kid to move on!! Advice please.

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  • julysbaby
    julysbaby Posts: 97 Member
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    Tell him you want to have sex with your husband in every room in the house and you are concerned he might walk in on you. You won't have to ask for the key. He will give it to you.
    Yes, great advice!!!
  • klacount77
    klacount77 Posts: 270 Member
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    Tell him you want to have sex with your husband in every room in the house and you are concerned he might walk in on you. You won't have to ask for the key. He will give it to you.


    That would do it, except I still have one at home so he won't believe me!

    oooo ... that is a little tougher then. I would suggest that he start to call because even though his younger sibling is still at home, you and his father are exploring things during your alone time and if he doesn't call to warn you that he is stopping by, he could walk in on one of those moments.
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
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    Change the locks! He'll get the hint, and it might even be a little funny. He doesn't need a new key and he can still come over for dinner and laundry once in a while but he's gotta clear it with you first!
    Good advice.

    As for all the people saying your husband should be the one to handle it...I kind of disagree. You do need to have him involved in talking to the son, but its YOUR home too and you deserve respect (and privacy) as the woman of the house. He needs to know that its not OK to just drop in without calling, knocking, etc...because you should have your privacy in your own home. It would be incredibly awkward for both of you if he walked in when you weren't dressed, or you and your husband were doing the things married people are entitled to do in their house when they're the only ones officially living there!
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    Anyone have kids that do not live at home anymore and still have a key to the house? I have one Stepson I did not raise (age 27) that drops in alot unannounced and leaves a trail everytime (uses our stuff and doesn't put it back). He's a great guy but a bit of a intrusion, thinks we are his storage unit, laundry facility and occasionally sleep base camp.

    Kinda want the key back since my husband and I want "our" life to begin. I am not sure how to ask without hurting feelings.

    Thanks!
    Good job on your weight loss, BTW:)

    Why don't you take this in the direction it was always meant to go?
    Discuss situation with husband. See if he knows your thoughts/feelings/desires, and make sure you know his
    See if you can discuss with out excessive emotion...just trying to understand eachother on your statuses.

    I have a suggestion....consider working together as a family on something that will benefit your household and develop all your skills, and provide an occasion for a pleasant, relationsip-building experience between all of you.
    Use your calendar to set date/time....and be specific about the purpose of the time, as well as the start/finish time of your day together.
    Let the times step-son comes over be the times that you set with him.
    Tell him you need to have a schedule for now, not random visits.
    Start with the project of moving his things out, since you don't want them there.
    Then start planning times to be together that will really be a good experience.
    Everyone needs structure and boundaries to operate in....that's just part of relationships.

    Regarding the key,
    You could have him return it to you.
    Consider changing your locks for good measure, as perhaps that is not the only copy now.
    There really does need to be a reason for him to have it, and if he does he need to earn the privilege by demonstrating Responsibility (responsibility= knowing and doing what is expected of you) toward you.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    It's probably good for him to have the key in case of emergencies, but there's no reason he should be dropping by unannounced or leaving his crap at your house. Sit him down and tell him that.

    Exactly.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
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    I'm curious whether the child that still lives at home is the OP's or another step child?
  • klacount77
    klacount77 Posts: 270 Member
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    okay ... seriously speaking (sorry for the joking responses before) ... advice is like an *kitten*, everyone has some.

    I am a step-mother and a "new" wife of 8 years to my spouse who has an "ex-wife" that is completely adored. My relationship with my children and my step-daughter who lives out of state is simple.

    Everyone is free to return home at any time for any reason if NECESSARY. Everyone is free to live in he house until they GRADUATE from college, provided they attend regularly and put forth the effort to graduate. That being said ...

    I had to have this very discussion with my mother-in-law. Combined we have 6 children and my mother-in-law provided child care in her home for the kids for the same as a third party sitter would. She had a key to the house for emergencies since both me and my spouse work over 30 miles from home. However, we would get alone time on a very rare occasion and my mother-in-law would stop by unannounced to ask if we needed anything from the store or to drop off a pair of socks one of the kids forgot at her house. This was a habit that was A-OK with the ex-wife and not okay with me. While my spouse and I were at work she would come over and clean out my fridge, dust my shelves and vacuum the floor. I certainly appreciated the help, but it also felt extremely intrusive. I had to make sure that my own personal things were put away in my own house in case she stopped by unexpectedly. We had to call her and ask her if she planned to come over before we could be intimate (which really killed the romance).

    I had to explain to my mother-in-law (talks from my spouse did nothing to dissuade her) and tell her that it was not okay for her to drop in unannounced. It was not okay for her to go through my laundry basket and help out with the chores. It was not okay for her to root through my fridge and clean things out. It was not okay for her to fold my laundry and put it away. I had to explain to her that I was now the woman of the house and he role in her child's life is no longer extending to cooking the daily meals and cleaning up after him.

    I won't lie. It was a VERY unpleasant conversation. It caused some animosity between my mother-in-law and I, but the aftermath has been worth it. She calls before coming over. She no longer does the household chores, she knocks when she arrives unannounced. She visits us for normal periods of time instead for 10 to 15 hours at a time. She still favors the ex-wife. She still feels that I put distance between her and her child, but ... we are civil, respectful and tolerable in one another's presence and the change has made my spouse breathe easier as well.

    It wasn't / isn't easy ... but it is worth it. I never had to ask for the key. The conversation was enough.
  • Justkf
    Justkf Posts: 208 Member
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    this could be an excellent opportunity for everyone, depending on how it is handled.

    if you simply take back the key, that would be like shutting him out - abandoning him, strong message of you are not welcome here. and that is a horrible thing to do to anyone.

    he is your husbands son, and that means he is your family.

    he needs to become a responsible adult, sure, but also needs *guidance* and help on learning how how to become just that.

    some people need more help in this area, and i don't mean enabling help, but real step-by-step you can do this and here's how kind of help. he obviously has not learned this yet, and does not feel empowered and or motivated, or maybe even capable.

    sounds like you and your husband need to have a *respectful* talk with him about the issues, how he impacts your homebase, how those things cannot continue, and how he can become successful in life, but that boundaries within your homebase need to be respected. remind him that he is loved, and your main concern is for his future.

    because as his future improves, so will yours.

    =^x^=

    Thank you, well said.
  • Justkf
    Justkf Posts: 208 Member
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    Thanks everyone for their responses, some more candid than others. I plan on talking to my husband and then the 3 of us discussing it. Regardless of the judgement I have received because I indicated he is not my biological child, I love him tremendously which is why the conversation preperation needed to be addressed and why I posted for some feedback from others. I have 2 other children (yes, mine... for the haters) and one still at home going to school. It is hard to tell your kids to grow up sometimes, especially when they are well into adulthood.
    Anyway-thanks again-lots of funny responses and kind words, appreciate it.
  • rhonniema
    rhonniema Posts: 522 Member
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    Change the locks.
    When he asks, say it's "Tough love."
  • BrooklynTico
    BrooklynTico Posts: 35
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    Anyone have kids that do not live at home anymore and still have a key to the house? I have one Stepson I did not raise (age 27) that drops in alot unannounced and leaves a trail everytime (uses our stuff and doesn't put it back). He's a great guy but a bit of a intrusion, thinks we are his storage unit, laundry facility and occasionally sleep base camp.

    Kinda want the key back since my husband and I want "our" life to begin. I am not sure how to ask without hurting feelings.

    Thanks!

    They just made a direct tv commercial about this. A bunch of old people in the living room massaging each other when the son walks in unannounced, then he leaves crying in his car and gets into a car accident. Lol do that, bet he'll never come back
  • Justkf
    Justkf Posts: 208 Member
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    I'm curious whether the child that still lives at home is the OP's or another step child?

    mine
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    Thanks everyone for their responses, some more candid than others. I plan on talking to my husband and then the 3 of us discussing it. Regardless of the judgement I have received because I indicated he is not my biological child, I love him tremendously which is why the conversation preperation needed to be addressed and why I posted for some feedback from others. I have 2 other children (yes, mine... for the haters) and one still at home going to school. It is hard to tell your kids to grow up sometimes, especially when they are well into adulthood.
    Anyway-thanks again-lots of funny responses and kind words, appreciate it.
    :smile:
    That's nice. Thanks. Many blessings to your family:)
    MinMIn
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
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    Talk with hubby, make guidelines, and lay down the rules plain and obvious to kiddo. It's only fair to both parties.
  • TeresaWash
    TeresaWash Posts: 283
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    There's a difference between popping in and taking advantage. Yes, we all love to see our children but if your coming in my house and plopping your *kitten* on my couch for two days, and drinking the last of the milk (when nobody is home) you're just using me your not coming to visit. You can come and do the laundry any time but appreciate it and have the common sense to ask if it's ok. And bottom line... it's just time to be responsible. I'm sorry, this is just my opinion be he didn't grow up in that house, it's not his "home". He's a guest. He's his son and her step son but he's a guest.
  • RainHoward
    RainHoward Posts: 1,599 Member
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    Crazy idea, talk to them. If that doesn't work call 1-800-springer. Hell, if yo're going to put your issues out here for all to see may as well make a buck or two while you're at it.
  • beckajw
    beckajw Posts: 1,738 Member
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    There's a difference between popping in and taking advantage. Yes, we all love to see our children but if your coming in my house and plopping your *kitten* on my couch for two days, and drinking the last of the milk (when nobody is home) you're just using me your not coming to visit. You can come and do the laundry any time but appreciate it and have the common sense to ask if it's ok. And bottom line... it's just time to be responsible. I'm sorry, this is just my opinion be he didn't grow up in that house, it's not his "home". He's a guest. He's his son and her step son but he's a guest.

    ^^ This, except for the laundry part. I think it's okay to do laundry whenever you come over (as long as you purchased the detergent).
  • hellohappylisa
    hellohappylisa Posts: 141 Member
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    Speaking as a 23 year old...what the hell is he thinking?! If you just sit down with him and be like "Yo...you don't live here anymore, I need that key. You're welcome to visit anytime, just give us a call"
  • meganlynn0103
    meganlynn0103 Posts: 251
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    i say change the locks on him and when he tries to use his key and it doesnt work just say you lost yours and had to change the locks...lol
  • PrincessLou71186
    PrincessLou71186 Posts: 747 Member
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    When I left home I still had a key to my Mums house. I still have a key to that house but it's now my sisters since my Mum died. I also have a key to my Dads house.

    As far as your stepson is concerned, I would just tell him straight. At the end of the day, it's your house, he should respect your possessions privacy and right to have him not turn up unannounced and use you like a hotel.

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