Need kid to move on!! Advice please.

OfficiallySexyVal

Tell him you want to have sex with your husband in every room in the house and you are concerned he might walk in on you. You won't have to ask for the key. He will give it to you.

Genius idea...:laugh:

AlayshaJ

Just leave a note asking him to clean up after himself.


Or ask your husband to tell him.

red1775

Walk around naked; you and the husband. It will stop the visits.

cramernh

Anyone have kids that do not live at home anymore and still have a key to the house? I have one Stepson I did not raise (age 27) that drops in alot unannounced and leaves a trail everytime (uses our stuff and doesn't put it back). He's a great guy but a bit of a intrusion, thinks we are his storage unit, laundry facility and occasionally sleep base camp.

Kinda want the key back since my husband and I want "our" life to begin. I am not sure how to ask without hurting feelings.

Thanks!

This is a case where you have to tell it like it is: the next time you see him, demand the house key back. He is old enough to be taking care of his personal effects on his own in his own home.

Unless he is paying towards the mortgage/rent, utilities, etc - AND picking up after himself, he has no right coming in as he pleases. That is rude to be invading your privacy.

At age 27, he should know better than that....

My parents did the same thing to their son.... straight, cut to the chase....if he refuses, then you change the locks....

bsuew

You seriously need to have a heart to heart with him. You and your husband. Tell him you want the key until he can respect your wishes. He seriously needs to grow up!

KimmyEB

Communication?

wow-brilliant

It is brilliant. In fact, it's the most basic, yet effective advice for this type of situation. The fact that you blow it off shows you are not going to take any of these responses seriously, so why bother? Sounds like you just want validation for your stance so you don't feel like the "evil stepmother."

12skipafew99100

Change the lock and when asked about it explain that some stange intruder kept coming in and was messing things up.

lour441

Tell him you want to have sex with your husband in every room in the house and you are concerned he might walk in on you. You won't have to ask for the key. He will give it to you.

That would do it, except I still have one at home so he won't believe me!

You and your husband should speak to him together about boundaries and expectations. If that doesn't work, take his key.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

if you both are agreeing.. change the locks.. problem solved...

however, my mother would never take my key away, home is suppose to be the place that is always open to come too whenever..

Maybe you could talk to him about his bad habits?

What a very different point of view this is. Very few from my generation (I am 55) would say that. I always felt that I could go home whenever I wanted to, but I never had a key once I left. Interesting that the young people of today feel that they can just pop on in, do whatever - watch television, do laundry, cook a meal, etc. - without paying any mind to what they parents may think about it.

Young people of today? More like...this varies by family. My mom is around your age, and my dad is 65--they both think it's absolutely weird that I always ask to come over, and that I used to ring the door bell, even though I have a key. When I call and ask "is it alright if I come over?" my mom sighs and laughs and says "you KNOW you can come over whenever you want to, you do NOT have to ask." Yet I know some people my age who have to schedule a visit with their family in advance to come see them, even if they live in the same town. It's all relative to the people involved.

I don't think it's even family to family culture. You are respectful of your parents space and time, you are taking care of your responsibilities, it's a different situation. I don't think it's generational, but I do think it's situational. I know that 20 years ago when my sister was completely disrespectful to my parents they changed the locks and told me that she wasn't allowed in unless they were home (when I was home alone). She's a different person now who respects my parents space and time rarely stopping in unannounced and never leaving a mess behind her, she's had a key for 15 years.

whouwannab

I like the idea of having him do chores. "While you're here, will you carry the boxes of Christmas decorations down from the attic? " etc., lol. If he gets stuck doing chores every time he pops by, maybe it would be less frequent.

Justkf

Let your husband handle it. Scary how you keep saying "he's not my son, he's my step son." You sound like a real treat. :ohwell:

Thanks for that not nice comment. I felt it was important to establish. He lived on the east coast his whole life so our realtionship is hardly like mother and son.

BL_Coleman

Just say that you would like if they coudl tell you when they are coming, a quick call beforehand. Just so you know to make more food, or to know not plan a quiet night or date night

rugbyphreak

I'm 22 and still live at home with my parents and plan on keeping it this way until I graduate. That being said, I do my own laundry and cleaning, buy my own groceries, mow the lawn, take care of my mom's dog, shovel the snow, tend the garden, and help with any other projects around the house or yard. I love living at home because it's saving me money, but I also know that this is not place to ruin. I am an adult and I need to take care of myself and help out.

Your step-son needs to grow the *kitten* up. If he's going to be a lazy homeless bum, that's his problem, not yours. If he has a car to get to your house, he has a car to live in until he chooses to change his circumstances.

Also, your husband, his father, needs to grow some balls. It shouldn't be your task to talk to him as he's not your child. Your husband should want the same thing you do and offending his dead-beat son should not be a deciding factor. After 18, he's an adult and needs to behave like one.

CincinnatiDEIFan

Let your husband handle it. Scary how you keep saying "he's not my son, he's my step son." You sound like a real treat. :ohwell:

Thanks for that not nice comment. I felt it was important to establish. He lived on the east coast his whole life so our realtionship is hardly like mother and son.

Even MORE reason why you need to talk to your HUSBAND and HE needs to handle this. Or at least it needs to be done TOGETHER and not just coming from YOU. I had a step mother once. She made me feel like such a nuisance and so unwanted I hated her. Thank GOD my dad came to his senses and left her.

Edited to add I moved out of the house at 17 to attend college and never moved home - not even for a weekend.....

Espressocycle

Move unexpectedly lol

This.

KimmyEB

I don't think it's even family to family culture. You are respectful of your parents space and time, you are taking care of your responsibilities, it's a different situation. I don't think it's generational, but I do think it's situational. I know that 20 years ago when my sister was completely disrespectful to my parents they changed the locks and told me that she wasn't allowed in unless they were home (when I was home alone). She's a different person now who respects my parents space and time rarely stopping in unannounced and never leaving a mess behind her, she's had a key for 15 years.

That's exactly what I was saying. Saying it varies by family is the same as saying it varies by situation, is what I meant. My family is the same as you described--my older brother doesn't have the privileges I do, because he severely abused them. Which is a shame for my family.:ohwell:

lik_11

Your stepson probably thinks he's respecting your space by coming when you're not home, and is probably unaware that he leaves a trail every time. If you can be patient, take pictures of the messes he leaves- gather evidence of why his visits are unappreciated. When someone sits down to have a talk with him (either your husband or you MUST do this), show him the state that he leaves your house in, and justify why you don't like him treating you and your house that way.

As many have said- you're going to have to establish the boundaries in this relationship. Don't change the locks or be passive agressive until he's proven that he can't live by the boundaries you've discussed. He will keep this behavior up until it's been addressed.

(When my parents dropped me off at college, they told me see you at Thanksgiving. It sucked to hear that- but it made it clear where we all stood.)

bella_babe_86

Change the locks!

ZoeLifts

I have a now 31 year old daughter. She was reluctant to move out when I lived in MN. I knew that she wanted to stay there. At the time she was 22 or so and she had a job at Walgreens, which didn't pay all that much, but enough for a modest apartment. I told her I was moving to PA and she got all upset. I offered to pay $200 dollars on her rent, which worked out great. That lasted a year until she moved in with a man. They broke up and she came to PA.

Well, she settled on in to the same insecure routine of living at home. I took a job in a place a distance away from home and decided to move. She didn't want to move to where I was going, so she moved out. Recently, she started talking about moving to the town where I live. I told her that would be find as long as she had her own place. So I set up a boundary for her.

She has a key to my apartment, but always calls before coming. This is another boundary that I set for her.

My son, who is 26, moved out when he was 19 or 20 and has never moved back. I don't think he ever will because I set down the boundary rules right away with him. I learned from my experience with my daughter.

I believe, though, that you shouldn't have to move in order to get your children to move out. Many children are making enough to make it on their own - if they don't go around buying everything that they believe they need. The other problem is that many children are afraid of failing. They may have insecurity issues.

Your stepson has a boundary issue. I recognize this because he doesn't call and let you know he is stopping by. He just barges in. Your husband needd to sit down with him and explain to him your feelings. He needs to let him know that you have raised him to adulthood and it is now your time to enjoy life. You need to set down some rules, including moving his crap out of your house and that he will have to make arrangements ahead of time if he wants to 'visit'.

I had this conversation with my daughter. Now she comes to 'visit' me and then she leaves. She always calls before coming, even though she has a key to the apartment. She doesn't store anything at my place, even though I have lots of room. Although I am not married, she recognizes that I want time to do things with my friends and maybe have a guy over, or maybe just time for myself.

Believe me, your husband needs to have this conversation with your stepson. Otherwise, nothing will change.

And take the key away from him.

I agree with all of this ^ . This woman is an example of someone speaking from experience of having had to deal with this and has experienced the results of two different approaches. The only thing I would change/add is regarding this part:

Your husband needs to sit down with him and explain to him your feelings.

I think when your husband sits down with him it needs to be a "we feel" rather than just "your stepmom feels". You guys have to put forth a united front on this and not turn it into "well I wouldn't mind, but your stepmother does" sort of thing.

Have you read the book Boundaries? I highly recommend it!

reasnableblonde

Leave a big batch of crotchless underthings and other unmentionables in the washing machine for him to find when he freeloads laundry facilities?

Joking aside, he's 27 years old. No need to spare his feelings - he needs to grow up. I moved out on my own at 21 and danced out the door. My brother had to be kicked out, but guess what? He's 28, renting a house near his military base (he actually enlisted when he got the boot from our mom) with his long-term girlfriend, and loving his independence. Sometimes tough love is the best thing for 'em.

Otherwise, change the locks.

jonchew

First talk to your hubby about your problem/solutions, it's important to make sure you are both coming from the same place, a united front. It sounds like you're a bit unsure of your role in his sons life, as stepparent - this is an opportunity to get your role defined.

I would think that honesty with son would be best - he's an adult and should be able to handle the truth. I think that you should tell him that you expect him to treat your house as he's a guest, or at-least extended family... he should understand. I believe that changing the locks without first trying to dialogue is a mistake, it could be construed as a bit insulting to the son.

Just my $0.02

CLD79

When I moved out my parents had gone through it with two boys before who would leave stuff around. With me my parents brought over a box of my stuff each time they saw me saying they were cleaning rooms up and "wanted to give me my things." It was basically a polite way of saying get your $^%& out of my house and don't think you can store it there for 5 years like your brothers."

laserturkey

You could "lose" your keys and have to have your locks changed, then just never have a spare key around to give him. :-P

DaughterOfTheMostHighKing

I'm 20 years older than that and my father *just* gave me the key to the house (never mind that I've had since I was 13) last itme he was in town. Of course, when I go, I clean up *their* junk and I live over 5000 miles away....

have a talk with him. be honest and to the point. let him know he's welcomed, but he needs to call to make sure you're home and he needs to clean up his mess and replace what he eats/uses. He's a grown up!

jealous_loser

I'm 27 and drop in on my parents all the time. They love it.

I feel bad for your son.

Tell him to clean up after himself if you are sick of it. He's a product of his upbringing, remember...

If you don't want him around unless invited, why are you worried about hurt feelings?

Yeah - doubt they "love" it. If you're 27, use your manners and call ahead. Your parents have a life and need their privacy and space too! I'm sure your parents are much like the OP and sensitive of your feelings which is why they haven't given the same message to YOU!

hahahah YES!!!!!

My thoughts exactly!

My family always has people over. My parents' garage is where everyone comes for a beer at the end of the day. They always have at least one visitor. I know I am always welcome to come over. They assume at this point that I am going to be over at the very least Sunday for supper.

Every family is different. Just because yours is not as open as mine, does not mean mine is trying to find a way to get me to stop coming over.

nikkirosem

Have you talked to your husband about this? Maybe he is the one who needs to say something.

PBsMommy

Maybe.... Sit down and explain what should be common sense to him. If that means you have to point out exaclty everything he is doing wrong. And then give it some time to see if he improves. Maybe you, him and your husband need to sit down and lay down some boundries and ground rules.

I have keys to both parent's houses, my grandparent's house and my in-law's house. I also know that those keys are for emergencies or need prior approval from the said person's house. I don't just waltz in, grab a beer and some tater chips, crumble them all over their couch while watching T.V nekkid then leave them the mess. I get what I came for, make sure the place is exactly how I left it and lock up.

dreamer722

We changed the locks *and* moved ...

:-)

cnsmith2

Curious - have you tried to tell him that he's a messy little *kitten* and in your space??

Yeah-emailed him last week to put things back where he finds them. No reply. Then he emailed me a couple days ago asking if he can go on the family phone plan to save money. Did I mention he doesn't have a real job, is my step son and also does his laundry when we are not home? He also couch surfs because he does not want to pay "rent" anywhere.

This is the interwebs so it is hard to read tone, but you have pointed out the STEP part of step son rather prominently. Does your husband (his dad) mind the messes he makes, or him sleeping there? I would ask your husband to talk to his son.

I'm 34 and I still have a key to my parent's house and they would be THRILLED if I just dropped by. My husband has a key to their house also, and he is more than welcome to come if he would like to. I actually put my parents on my wireless plan because they don't use much time/data etc. so this way they can save money.

AlayshaJ

Oh, I just have to add that I feel unwelcome in my mothers house because of her husband. I am not his child, so I can't just swing by to say hi if I want to. His kids can, OF COURSE. No prooooblem. But me and my brothers, no. We get a very unwelcoming hello at the door. If my mother wasn't with him, we could drop by to watch tv and eat a sandwich if we wanted, even if she wasn't there. Its nice to spend time at your mothers house even if she isn't there. You can still smell her perfume and fresh brewed coffee in the morning.

I just have to say that knowing that is really sad.

I grew up where you didn't have to call to drop by. All my family lived in the same neighborhood. We could ride our bikes to my aunts house and pick fruit off her tree and play in her backyard and she didn't act like a ***** because we didn't call. Our house was open to our family and theirs to us, so its really heartbreaking and rude that I can't do that because of someone that lives with my mom that doesn't consider her kids family. All that has done is set boundaries on our relationship. Calling and going is completely different from just showing up. You don't get that surprised happy face and excited welcoming hug. When you call and come over you just knock on the door, walk in, say hello and sit on the couch. If you just come in unexpected you can sit with them while they drink coffee or whatever they are doing at the moment and converse about whatever is relevant in that moment to them.

Meh. I guess if you didn't grow up like that it wouldn't matter to you but it is really sad to me.