Need kid to move on!! Advice please.

jonchew

First talk to your hubby about your problem/solutions, it's important to make sure you are both coming from the same place, a united front. It sounds like you're a bit unsure of your role in his sons life, as stepparent - this is an opportunity to get your role defined.

I would think that honesty with son would be best - he's an adult and should be able to handle the truth. I think that you should tell him that you expect him to treat your house as he's a guest, or at-least extended family... he should understand. I believe that changing the locks without first trying to dialogue is a mistake, it could be construed as a bit insulting to the son.

Just my $0.02

CLD79

When I moved out my parents had gone through it with two boys before who would leave stuff around. With me my parents brought over a box of my stuff each time they saw me saying they were cleaning rooms up and "wanted to give me my things." It was basically a polite way of saying get your $^%& out of my house and don't think you can store it there for 5 years like your brothers."

laserturkey

You could "lose" your keys and have to have your locks changed, then just never have a spare key around to give him. :-P

DaughterOfTheMostHighKing

I'm 20 years older than that and my father *just* gave me the key to the house (never mind that I've had since I was 13) last itme he was in town. Of course, when I go, I clean up *their* junk and I live over 5000 miles away....

have a talk with him. be honest and to the point. let him know he's welcomed, but he needs to call to make sure you're home and he needs to clean up his mess and replace what he eats/uses. He's a grown up!

jealous_loser

I'm 27 and drop in on my parents all the time. They love it.

I feel bad for your son.

Tell him to clean up after himself if you are sick of it. He's a product of his upbringing, remember...

If you don't want him around unless invited, why are you worried about hurt feelings?

Yeah - doubt they "love" it. If you're 27, use your manners and call ahead. Your parents have a life and need their privacy and space too! I'm sure your parents are much like the OP and sensitive of your feelings which is why they haven't given the same message to YOU!

hahahah YES!!!!!

My thoughts exactly!

My family always has people over. My parents' garage is where everyone comes for a beer at the end of the day. They always have at least one visitor. I know I am always welcome to come over. They assume at this point that I am going to be over at the very least Sunday for supper.

Every family is different. Just because yours is not as open as mine, does not mean mine is trying to find a way to get me to stop coming over.

nikkirosem

Have you talked to your husband about this? Maybe he is the one who needs to say something.

PBsMommy

Maybe.... Sit down and explain what should be common sense to him. If that means you have to point out exaclty everything he is doing wrong. And then give it some time to see if he improves. Maybe you, him and your husband need to sit down and lay down some boundries and ground rules.

I have keys to both parent's houses, my grandparent's house and my in-law's house. I also know that those keys are for emergencies or need prior approval from the said person's house. I don't just waltz in, grab a beer and some tater chips, crumble them all over their couch while watching T.V nekkid then leave them the mess. I get what I came for, make sure the place is exactly how I left it and lock up.

dreamer722

We changed the locks *and* moved ...

:-)

cnsmith2

Curious - have you tried to tell him that he's a messy little *kitten* and in your space??

Yeah-emailed him last week to put things back where he finds them. No reply. Then he emailed me a couple days ago asking if he can go on the family phone plan to save money. Did I mention he doesn't have a real job, is my step son and also does his laundry when we are not home? He also couch surfs because he does not want to pay "rent" anywhere.

This is the interwebs so it is hard to read tone, but you have pointed out the STEP part of step son rather prominently. Does your husband (his dad) mind the messes he makes, or him sleeping there? I would ask your husband to talk to his son.

I'm 34 and I still have a key to my parent's house and they would be THRILLED if I just dropped by. My husband has a key to their house also, and he is more than welcome to come if he would like to. I actually put my parents on my wireless plan because they don't use much time/data etc. so this way they can save money.

AlayshaJ

Oh, I just have to add that I feel unwelcome in my mothers house because of her husband. I am not his child, so I can't just swing by to say hi if I want to. His kids can, OF COURSE. No prooooblem. But me and my brothers, no. We get a very unwelcoming hello at the door. If my mother wasn't with him, we could drop by to watch tv and eat a sandwich if we wanted, even if she wasn't there. Its nice to spend time at your mothers house even if she isn't there. You can still smell her perfume and fresh brewed coffee in the morning.

I just have to say that knowing that is really sad.

I grew up where you didn't have to call to drop by. All my family lived in the same neighborhood. We could ride our bikes to my aunts house and pick fruit off her tree and play in her backyard and she didn't act like a ***** because we didn't call. Our house was open to our family and theirs to us, so its really heartbreaking and rude that I can't do that because of someone that lives with my mom that doesn't consider her kids family. All that has done is set boundaries on our relationship. Calling and going is completely different from just showing up. You don't get that surprised happy face and excited welcoming hug. When you call and come over you just knock on the door, walk in, say hello and sit on the couch. If you just come in unexpected you can sit with them while they drink coffee or whatever they are doing at the moment and converse about whatever is relevant in that moment to them.

Meh. I guess if you didn't grow up like that it wouldn't matter to you but it is really sad to me.

LetsGoBlues

Let your husband handle it. Scary how you keep saying "he's not my son, he's my step son." You sound like a real treat. :ohwell:

Thanks for that not nice comment. I felt it was important to establish. He lived on the east coast his whole life so our realtionship is hardly like mother and son.

Not mean. Just honest. I calls em as I sees em. :smokin:

Aquarian

I like the idea of having him do chores. "While you're here, will you carry the boxes of Christmas decorations down from the attic? " etc., lol. If he gets stuck doing chores every time he pops by, maybe it would be less frequent.

This. Get some use out of him! If he can fix things for you or run errands for you, it wouldn't be half bad right?

But ideally, you really need to establish that while he is welcome (which I hope is the case), his mess isn't. Say it the same way you would to a friend, so you don't have to play mother or be rude.

supahstar71

I haven't read all of the responses but I'd suggest that if your husband has an issue with it, let him talk to your SS. Otherwise, just tolerate it. It sucks and it's not necessarily fair but it's a small price to pay for family harmony.


And btw, your life with your husband has "begun". Being a stepmother and dealing with these issues is part of your life with him. And I say that as a stepmother of 11 years to two kids.

jealous_loser

I'm 22 and still live at home with my parents and plan on keeping it this way until I graduate. That being said, I do my own laundry and cleaning, buy my own groceries, mow the lawn, take care of my mom's dog, shovel the snow, tend the garden, and help with any other projects around the house or yard. I love living at home because it's saving me money, but I also know that this is not place to ruin. I am an adult and I need to take care of myself and help out.

Your step-son needs to grow the *kitten* up. If he's going to be a lazy homeless bum, that's his problem, not yours. If he has a car to get to your house, he has a car to live in until he chooses to change his circumstances.

Also, your husband, his father, needs to grow some balls. It shouldn't be your task to talk to him as he's not your child. Your husband should want the same thing you do and offending his dead-beat son should not be a deciding factor. After 18, he's an adult and needs to behave like one.

I was always welcome to live at home as long as I was working towards something. School, buying a house, whatever. If it meant that I was saving up for something, they would let me save, I never paid them rent. I was told though that as soon as I was out partying all the time and not saving up for anything, I would be done, so I know my boudaries.

PBsMommy

I'm 27 and drop in on my parents all the time. They love it.

I feel bad for your son.

Tell him to clean up after himself if you are sick of it. He's a product of his upbringing, remember...

If you don't want him around unless invited, why are you worried about hurt feelings?

Yeah - doubt they "love" it. If you're 27, use your manners and call ahead. Your parents have a life and need their privacy and space too! I'm sure your parents are much like the OP and sensitive of your feelings which is why they haven't given the same message to YOU!

hahahah YES!!!!!

My thoughts exactly!

My family always has people over. My parents' garage is where everyone comes for a beer at the end of the day. They always have at least one visitor. I know I am always welcome to come over. They assume at this point that I am going to be over at the very least Sunday for supper.

Every family is different. Just because yours is not as open as mine, does not mean mine is trying to find a way to get me to stop coming over.

Just to add, I agree not every family is the same. My grandparents always "get onto me" when I call ahead. My nana's exact words are " Why, lawd Sam! Dontcha know you ain't gotta ask before you come over. The doors always open and if it ain't you gotta key." However, I still call EVERYTIME, because that's just who I am. And there is always dinner on Sundays as well! Ummmnummmnummnumm

LavaDoll

this could be an excellent opportunity for everyone, depending on how it is handled.

if you simply take back the key, that would be like shutting him out - abandoning him, strong message of you are not welcome here. and that is a horrible thing to do to anyone.

he is your husbands son, and that means he is your family.

he needs to become a responsible adult, sure, but also needs *guidance* and help on learning how how to become just that.

some people need more help in this area, and i don't mean enabling help, but real step-by-step you can do this and here's how kind of help. he obviously has not learned this yet, and does not feel empowered and or motivated, or maybe even capable.

sounds like you and your husband need to have a *respectful* talk with him about the issues, how he impacts your homebase, how those things cannot continue, and how he can become successful in life, but that boundaries within your homebase need to be respected. remind him that he is loved, and your main concern is for his future.

because as his future improves, so will yours.

=^x^=

Spokez70

Where does he get his mail delivered? Some friends of mine tried to nudge out their mid-20-something still living at home when he felt like it son by changing the locks and when he showed up it got ugly between him and the step-dad- police were called- and they had to let him back in the house because it was his official 'home' address. Getting him out of the house after that turned into something more like a formal eviction.

lildawtie

There is no easy way but to be honest and tell him what is bodering both of you, the best one to tell him all that is your husband since he is the biological parent (but you have to be there as well because the house belong to both of you) and after all is said and done ask for the keys. So far he has shown no respect for you privacy and your home.
I have two young men 27 and 31 and they know that if they come to my house and use my stuff everything has to be in place (even the toiledt seat) or they will no longer have keys. My trust has to be earned and if they abuse it they loose it.
He is not a kid and he should understand that he has been abusing and he no longer can come without calling. It might bother him but at the end he will understand and if he doesn't its going to be his loss!! You have no need to put up with his lack of respect for both of you and you home.
That is my suggesting I hope it works

pixtotts

there is no way you could ask that without causing upset...
change the locks and dont get him a key cut ... ?

LaurySch

Let your husband handle it. Scary how you keep saying "he's not my son, he's my step son." You sound like a real treat. :ohwell:

Thanks for that not nice comment. I felt it was important to establish. He lived on the east coast his whole life so our realtionship is hardly like mother and son.

Not mean. Just honest. I calls em as I sees em. :smokin:

I think maybe you need to remove the shades, you are only seeing a small part of it. Honesty is only a valued trait if it's tempered with understanding. :flowerforyou: