Need kid to move on!! Advice please.
Replies
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Let your husband handle it. Scary how you keep saying "he's not my son, he's my step son." You sound like a real treat. :ohwell:
Thanks for that not nice comment. I felt it was important to establish. He lived on the east coast his whole life so our realtionship is hardly like mother and son.
Not mean. Just honest. I calls em as I sees em. :smokin:0 -
I like the idea of having him do chores. "While you're here, will you carry the boxes of Christmas decorations down from the attic? " etc., lol. If he gets stuck doing chores every time he pops by, maybe it would be less frequent.
This. Get some use out of him! If he can fix things for you or run errands for you, it wouldn't be half bad right?
But ideally, you really need to establish that while he is welcome (which I hope is the case), his mess isn't. Say it the same way you would to a friend, so you don't have to play mother or be rude.0 -
I haven't read all of the responses but I'd suggest that if your husband has an issue with it, let him talk to your SS. Otherwise, just tolerate it. It sucks and it's not necessarily fair but it's a small price to pay for family harmony.
And btw, your life with your husband has "begun". Being a stepmother and dealing with these issues is part of your life with him. And I say that as a stepmother of 11 years to two kids.0 -
I'm 22 and still live at home with my parents and plan on keeping it this way until I graduate. That being said, I do my own laundry and cleaning, buy my own groceries, mow the lawn, take care of my mom's dog, shovel the snow, tend the garden, and help with any other projects around the house or yard. I love living at home because it's saving me money, but I also know that this is not place to ruin. I am an adult and I need to take care of myself and help out.
Your step-son needs to grow the *kitten* up. If he's going to be a lazy homeless bum, that's his problem, not yours. If he has a car to get to your house, he has a car to live in until he chooses to change his circumstances.
Also, your husband, his father, needs to grow some balls. It shouldn't be your task to talk to him as he's not your child. Your husband should want the same thing you do and offending his dead-beat son should not be a deciding factor. After 18, he's an adult and needs to behave like one.
I was always welcome to live at home as long as I was working towards something. School, buying a house, whatever. If it meant that I was saving up for something, they would let me save, I never paid them rent. I was told though that as soon as I was out partying all the time and not saving up for anything, I would be done, so I know my boudaries.0 -
I'm 27 and drop in on my parents all the time. They love it.
I feel bad for your son.
Tell him to clean up after himself if you are sick of it. He's a product of his upbringing, remember...
If you don't want him around unless invited, why are you worried about hurt feelings?
Yeah - doubt they "love" it. If you're 27, use your manners and call ahead. Your parents have a life and need their privacy and space too! I'm sure your parents are much like the OP and sensitive of your feelings which is why they haven't given the same message to YOU!
hahahah YES!!!!!
My thoughts exactly!
My family always has people over. My parents' garage is where everyone comes for a beer at the end of the day. They always have at least one visitor. I know I am always welcome to come over. They assume at this point that I am going to be over at the very least Sunday for supper.
Every family is different. Just because yours is not as open as mine, does not mean mine is trying to find a way to get me to stop coming over.
Just to add, I agree not every family is the same. My grandparents always "get onto me" when I call ahead. My nana's exact words are " Why, lawd Sam! Dontcha know you ain't gotta ask before you come over. The doors always open and if it ain't you gotta key." However, I still call EVERYTIME, because that's just who I am. And there is always dinner on Sundays as well! Ummmnummmnummnumm0 -
this could be an excellent opportunity for everyone, depending on how it is handled.
if you simply take back the key, that would be like shutting him out - abandoning him, strong message of you are not welcome here. and that is a horrible thing to do to anyone.
he is your husbands son, and that means he is your family.
he needs to become a responsible adult, sure, but also needs *guidance* and help on learning how how to become just that.
some people need more help in this area, and i don't mean enabling help, but real step-by-step you can do this and here's how kind of help. he obviously has not learned this yet, and does not feel empowered and or motivated, or maybe even capable.
sounds like you and your husband need to have a *respectful* talk with him about the issues, how he impacts your homebase, how those things cannot continue, and how he can become successful in life, but that boundaries within your homebase need to be respected. remind him that he is loved, and your main concern is for his future.
because as his future improves, so will yours.
=^x^=0 -
Where does he get his mail delivered? Some friends of mine tried to nudge out their mid-20-something still living at home when he felt like it son by changing the locks and when he showed up it got ugly between him and the step-dad- police were called- and they had to let him back in the house because it was his official 'home' address. Getting him out of the house after that turned into something more like a formal eviction.0
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There is no easy way but to be honest and tell him what is bodering both of you, the best one to tell him all that is your husband since he is the biological parent (but you have to be there as well because the house belong to both of you) and after all is said and done ask for the keys. So far he has shown no respect for you privacy and your home.
I have two young men 27 and 31 and they know that if they come to my house and use my stuff everything has to be in place (even the toiledt seat) or they will no longer have keys. My trust has to be earned and if they abuse it they loose it.
He is not a kid and he should understand that he has been abusing and he no longer can come without calling. It might bother him but at the end he will understand and if he doesn't its going to be his loss!! You have no need to put up with his lack of respect for both of you and you home.
That is my suggesting I hope it works 0 -
there is no way you could ask that without causing upset...
change the locks and dont get him a key cut ... ?0 -
Let your husband handle it. Scary how you keep saying "he's not my son, he's my step son." You sound like a real treat. :ohwell:
Thanks for that not nice comment. I felt it was important to establish. He lived on the east coast his whole life so our realtionship is hardly like mother and son.
Not mean. Just honest. I calls em as I sees em. :smokin:
I think maybe you need to remove the shades, you are only seeing a small part of it. Honesty is only a valued trait if it's tempered with understanding. :flowerforyou:0 -
time to change locks0
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If your the step mom why are you dealing with it? I think DAD needs to deal with it...or is this also a case where maybe DAD doesn't have the same feelings, therefore refuses to deal with it.
This !0 -
I'm 27 and drop in on my parents all the time. They love it.
I feel bad for your son.
Tell him to clean up after himself if you are sick of it. He's a product of his upbringing, remember...
If you don't want him around unless invited, why are you worried about hurt feelings?
Yeah - doubt they "love" it. If you're 27, use your manners and call ahead. Your parents have a life and need their privacy and space too! I'm sure your parents are much like the OP and sensitive of your feelings which is why they haven't given the same message to YOU!
Agreed!
I also have to say that not EVERY person is a "product of their upbringing". I mean, really? So many people had horrid childhoods and they are amazing individuals in spite of, and others have had wonderful childhoods and they are awful individuals. I would hate to be limited by only being able to be a "product of my upbringing". Besides, 27 is old enough to know right from wrong whether or not it was taught at home as a child.0 -
I'm 25 and just moved back in with my parents. They're actually thrilled. I spent the last two years in grad school 650 miles away and paid my own bills, had my own apartment, etc. I just got my first real job and it's actually a mile from their house, so it doesn't make sense to move. They TOLD me to stay here and save money. Maybe it's a different situation because I have moved out and don't really rely on them for anything (I also hold three jobs-- a 9-5, an adjunct professor position, and swim coach).
My parents rule is that my brother and I can live at home free-of-charge as long as we are working full-time and/or going to school. It sounds counter intuitive, but they've told us that the second we think we don't need to work, that's when they're going to start charging rent.
Not sure what to tell you about the key, but as far as "couch-surfing" goes, I think you absolutely have a right to charge him each time he stays over-- call it a hotel rate? 0 -
Tell him you want to have sex with your husband in every room in the house and you are concerned he might walk in on you. You won't have to ask for the key. He will give it to you.
LMAO! Perfect solution!0 -
i still have a key to my parents house, er i usually call and ask to come over tho, i respect their space, your son however....0
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+1Tell him you want to have sex with your husband in every room in the house and you are concerned he might walk in on you. You won't have to ask for the key. He will give it to you.
VERY true.0 -
time to change locks0
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be thankful hes still around my parents live in texas and florida im in ohio.....see them 1 a year ....sucks0
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I'm 27 and drop in on my parents all the time. They love it.
I feel bad for your son.
Tell him to clean up after himself if you are sick of it. He's a product of his upbringing, remember...
If you don't want him around unless invited, why are you worried about hurt feelings?
Wow, that's uncalled for!
Just because your parents love it doesn't mean everyone else has to. He is 27 years old, JOBLESS, and tramples through the house like he owns the place, leaving messes every where and has no consideration for what others are doing in the house. I think she has every right to ask for her key back!
And to attack his upbringing when you know NOTHING about them is harsh. If he is lazy, he is lazy. I'm a neat freak, but my 12 year old would live in filth if I let her! Her room is ridiculous. That isn't how she was brought up!
For the OP... I have a son moving out this year for College, and if he ever came through my house like that ..we would def have words! But, since he is your stepson, I would have the father deal with that conversation. lol Just my opinion 0 -
I'm 21 and live at home because I'm in school and work full time. I was looking at apartments a year back because I wasn't in school and if I wasn't working towards bettering myself I couldn't stay. I've talked to my parents about moving out, which I plan to do when I get my degree in about two years. Once I"m out I would NEVER just drop in unexpectedly. That's rude. I'm an adult, and they're adults, and they have a right to privacy. They spent half their lives raising me (more because I'm 21 and my parents are 39/40) and deserve the freedom once I'm out.
My parents have always been very honest with me about expectations, though, because I am an adult. They talk to me whether it's something that will hurt my feelings or not because I get the f over it after a day or two. If a 27 year old can't handle the truth that's his problem, not yours.0 -
I admit, I'm not going to read through 7 pages of responses but I will tell you this...
Be thankful he's just using your place to do his laundry, crash sometimes and get a good meal. It could be MUCH worse. He's 27 so he's got a pretty good idea of how the world works at this point, I'd just be honest with him. Tell him you (as a couple) need for him to treat YOUR home like a place to visit, not as a second home - no matter how at home he feels there.
Edit: For the record, I have this same type of problem with my mother-in-law. She has a key and thinks it gives her permission to drop by unannounced whenever she pleases, leaving boxes of books/clothes/etc. hanging around our house (especially if we're not home) because she's feeling generous. I told my hubby that I think next time we see her drive up unexpectedly we should quickly undress and get into a sexual position before she barges in so she can learn her lesson.
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Just have your husband tell him, "We love seeing you, but we need you to call first before you come over." No need for elaborate excuses or explanations. It may hurt a bit, but every family is different. I would not be ok with family just showing up at my place, and I don't think anyone has our key. I would also never just show up at a family member's house without calling first.0
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You should ask your husband to help you develop a plan of action, because just as you feel you're his stepmother and not his mother, he probably feels the same and would feel more comfortable being "disciplined" or talked to by his father, and you. As a united front.
It's not too much to ask for some advance notice, not too much to ask for him not to leave a mess and disrupt your life.
Changing the locks, while funny, would probably just aggravate the situation.0 -
I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings either. So I would change the locks just tell him you had to since you lost your key and not sure where.0
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I'm 27 and drop in on my parents all the time. They love it.
I feel bad for your son.
Tell him to clean up after himself if you are sick of it. He's a product of his upbringing, remember...
If you don't want him around unless invited, why are you worried about hurt feelings?
Yeah - doubt they "love" it. If you're 27, use your manners and call ahead. Your parents have a life and need their privacy and space too! I'm sure your parents are much like the OP and sensitive of your feelings which is why they haven't given the same message to YOU!
hahahah YES!!!!!
My thoughts exactly!
My family always has people over. My parents' garage is where everyone comes for a beer at the end of the day. They always have at least one visitor. I know I am always welcome to come over. They assume at this point that I am going to be over at the very least Sunday for supper.
Every family is different. Just because yours is not as open as mine, does not mean mine is trying to find a way to get me to stop coming over.
Just to add, I agree not every family is the same. My grandparents always "get onto me" when I call ahead. My nana's exact words are " Why, lawd Sam! Dontcha know you ain't gotta ask before you come over. The doors always open and if it ain't you gotta key." However, I still call EVERYTIME, because that's just who I am. And there is always dinner on Sundays as well! Ummmnummmnummnumm
^^ This, every family is not the same. If you don't know the family, don't judge. My family never calls, as kids my parents didn't call my grandparents, my grandparents didn't call my parents, I don't call my parents and they don't call me. We just show up. We all get along like that just fine. We are happy to see each other. None of us leave the other's houses a mess or just plop down on the couch and channel surf. We get together and enjoy being with each other.0 -
Get an alarm system and don't tell him the code, he'll get the clue the first time the police show up and your not around.0
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Tell him you want to have sex with your husband in every room in the house and you are concerned he might walk in on you. You won't have to ask for the key. He will give it to you.
Similar to what I was going to say!
"look son, your father and I plan to "mark" every room of this house and your visits have become concerning since we don't want you to walk in and find yourself uncomfortable. I was thinking we should make more solid plans for when you stop by so as not to create any unexpected awkward moments for us or therapy for you."
I agree ... he will GLADLY oblige.0 -
Every family is different. Just because yours is not as open as mine, does not mean mine is trying to find a way to get me to stop coming over.
No one here is saying that they don't want their son or daughter to come over! I know my parents love spending time with me and I love spending time with them. And we are a very informal family... I believe everyone here is talking about the fact that there is a point in time where calling first is a nice gesture and much appreciated.0 -
Change the locks! He'll get the hint, and it might even be a little funny. He doesn't need a new key and he can still come over for dinner and laundry once in a while but he's gotta clear it with you first!0
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