ADVICE NEEDED--Annoying sister in law
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do the bub bye... its not worth the stress in the house .. be nice be mean just get rid of them0
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I don't like ultimatums but I would be very close to throwing one out on the table. Though they are at least (very least) paying you some for of monetary compensation for being there that seems to be the only thing they are contributing to the household. For me personally I would lay it on the table that these are the rules of MY/OUR (you and HUBBY) house and they need to be followed for the sanity and consideration of all involved in house. If they are not followed these are the consequences.
Let them know that they are family and that they are loved but family is also not to be taken advantage of and neither is anyone else. If they are not willing to agree to the way that you and hubby run your house and all that that means, then they need to get packed and find a place of their own or move in with someone else. But they are certainly not worth risking your relationship with your husband.
Just my opinion though.0 -
Is it wrong (since they're paying rent too) for me to set a time that everyone has to be "quiet"? Not necessarily sleep but just be quiet. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy if my kids didn't let them sleep.
Hey, I pay rent in my apartment, and they enforce quiet time. A whole lot of other rules, too, like what state our balcony has to be in, what our windows can look like from the outside, and where we can park. As the "landlord" you have the right to enforce rules.0 -
If they are paying part of the rent, and 1/2 of the bills, then they are not "living off your kindness". They are paying to live with you.0
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Being a man I hate suggesting this as a possible solution ......try withholding the nookie claiming you are not comfortable with other people in the house.....they should be out within a month
That's what I would do..0 -
Is it wrong (since they're paying rent too) for me to set a time that everyone has to be "quiet"? Not necessarily sleep but just be quiet. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy if my kids didn't let them sleep.
Hey, I pay rent in my apartment, and they enforce quiet time. A whole lot of other rules, too, like what state our balcony has to be in, what our windows can look like from the outside, and where we can park. As the "landlord" you have the right to enforce rules.
It's your place, your name is on the lease. You make the rules!0 -
I would calmly present him(husband) with a list of you want changed. You want quiet at a certain time, you want them paying MORE rent so it's fair, you want them to be cleaner, etc. Let HIM deal with how to make it happen. Let him know you can't live this way any longer.
It's HIS sister, it's his problem. My brother would have to trouble telling me to clean up my **** or to get out. :laugh:0 -
Agreed. It hurts when your spouse puts someone else's needs before yours. Had a similar situation once many years ago. It was resolved quickly and we all have good relationships with one another now. However, the situation was just the symptom of the problem...you and your spouse have got to be able to put one another first.What kind of person makes a decision like that without consulting with their spouse?
Your primary problem is with your husband, Your inlaws are only secondary.0 -
Okay, I was reading all these posts but you know what? Its really simple.
I dont care about the little piddly stuff that goes back and forth between you guys. Thats not the point. Set a reasonably boundary and stick to it.
Say:
I know you guys have had a hard time in the past and needed a place to stay. The problem is, I feel like its starting to impact the way I want to live my life. I feel like it is time for you to start taking steps to move out. I will give you 2 months to get back on your feet. In no way does this mean I don't like you, it just means I think we need to move forward. I am sure you would love your own place and to be able to have your privacy. Ill do whatever I can to help you.
Stick to your guns. Once that day hits...they are out. If they didn't get their stuff together that is on them...not you. You did everything you could to help them. That is PLENTY of time to figure things out.0 -
When you are both calm, sit down and brainstorm ideas (already have a list of your own that you can show him right away)... Don't say kick them out, say something like "I don't want them on the streets, so can you help enforce these "rules" in OUR home.. clean up after yourself, do groceries, "quiet time" starting at 10pm Sun-Thurs., etc" and tell him if they can stick to this, then there won't be other issues, but it's causing a lot of stress on you as well... and if they can't live up to what you expect at YOUR home, then give them X amount of time to find a place before they need to be out.... approach in a good mood so it doesn't end in arguing and maybe help them find a place...
hope this helps a bit!
This all goes down to how you approach him in this kind of conversation. If you have been arguing about this since forever, it's time to change tactics. Change the way you begin your sentence, tone or whatever it is that you do that usually ends up arguing. Start talking like you care, empathize, ask him how he feels about it, make him involved and relaxed so he opens up and not clam up and be against it. It's not that you have to manipulate him about it, but you have to make him decide on what to do without having you to appear that it was really your decision. I know this is hard but I did this with my partner when he is dead set against something. Call it strategic communication. I hope that makes sense.0 -
If you can't get your husband to agree with you on getting them out, I'd raise their rent. What they pay is too cheap to have a cleaning lady (you).0
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Simple. DO NOT BUY any groceries, do not do any housework.. Sleep during the day, play computer games at night.. Remember the old dictum. IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM, JOIN THEM.. now let's see who gets fed up. IF they say, ohh there's no food.. tell them to go buy some, if they say they have no money.. Say you don't have any money either. Husband will soon get fed up when they go to him for money.. Just sit back, stay calm and let it all happen around you. HARD I KNOW, but it will work.. good luck0
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I agree with everyone else. Time to go. I have in-laws that are very similar. She refuses to work, he barely works and their lack of ability to pay any bills causes them to lose their place, get kicked out and we end up helping them to fix their "crisis" which is total crap. Bottom line, they need to go and if hubby will choose their dysfunction and stress over you then he can go too. Sorry but that is the way it is. There is no reason to allow them to affect your life in a negative way. One thing about family; you have to love them but you DO NOT have to like them.0
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You and your husband really need to be on the same page regarding his sister and her family. The two of you could sit down together and create a timeline for "helping" his sister and family to move on. You have already done your part helping them through a tough time--commendable!--but allowing them not to grow up and take responsibility for their future isn't healthy.
We all need to set healthy boundaries in our relationships. That's what adults do. I hope your husband stands up and does the right thing for all of you. I have dealt with these issues in the past, and it's the most difficult with close family members. They have all moved on and we still have contact with most.0 -
so try the opposite Come on to the in law strong your husband will boot them.0
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YES.. I thought that too, OR start making such a racket when you're at it..... hahahah0
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When you are both calm, sit down and brainstorm ideas (already have a list of your own that you can show him right away)... Don't say kick them out, say something like "I don't want them on the streets, so can you help enforce these "rules" in OUR home.. clean up after yourself, do groceries, "quiet time" starting at 10pm Sun-Thurs., etc" and tell him if they can stick to this, then there won't be other issues, but it's causing a lot of stress on you as well... and if they can't live up to what you expect at YOUR home, then give them X amount of time to find a place before they need to be out.... approach in a good mood so it doesn't end in arguing and maybe help them find a place...
hope this helps a bit!
If I were a nice person, this is what I would do..........0 -
There's always the passive aggressive way I guess. Eat THEIR food, wake the baby up every time it falls asleep, wake them up SUPER early in the mornings, break their stuff...... if there's no incentive to leave why would they?0
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Are they on your lease? They need to pay a full half of the rent, not less. They need to clean up after themselves because that is a matter of respect. If babysitting is somehow covering part of the rent, fine, but it doesn't sound like she's doing a great job of that. The best answer I've seen so far is the one of telling your husband, they need to move within a set amount of time. They can save money until that time to move and how they come up with that money is up to them. It's not your responsibility to take care of them.
My brother finally had to put his foot down with his best friend. They had one kid, neither was working, and both were living with him. Then they decided to choose to get pregnant again...with neither one of them working. It wasn't his job to take care of their family. He's very giving, and he did finally get them out of the house (he's backslid a little because he's worried about them going without so buys diapers for the kid.) Some people will never learn responsibility unless they have to. Feeling sorry for them is not an excuse and your husband is NOT helping his sister by enabling her to live off of others.
Rules within your home about quite time do apply, btw.0 -
Go take your stuff and stay with a friend until hubs grows a pair and kicks them out.0
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When I was living with my sister and her family a while back I paid rent, groceries, bills besides just mine, and cleaned up after myself at ALL times. I also watched my nephew for free. I felt that since they let me live with them I needed to chip in whatever way I possibly could.
They need to start having some respect for you and your husband and start cleaning up after themselves! Living with other people is extremely stressful so if you feel you can't do it you need to talk to your husband and either come up with some rules that all of you can agree on or they need to leave.0 -
Basically I agree with Brett on all counts. You are just pissed that your husband made a decision without consulting you (I get the sense this isn't the only time he's done this....), and instead of confronting this situation head on, you've decided to cry to the internet, and treat your family with passive-agressive matyrdom.
Stand tall, take responsibility for your fault in the situation, and ask for an amicable resolution between you and your husband. Hopefully you haven't damaged your relationship so much in this that it doesn't all work out in the end.
Would you not be upset if your kids got kicked out of their room so that your pregnant sister n law could have a room to sleep in? If I'm ranting here its because I'm trying to get rational people that maybe have been in this situation to give me sound advise because I don't want to cause a rift between siblings, but at this point they both need to realize the issue here.
I could have solved this whole situation here with this: "honey, let them stay in our room. I'll sleep with the kids, you can have the couch."0 -
OH, forgot to mention a comment she made to me two days ago.
We were in the kitchen...she was cooking with hot oil and I was by the microwave waiting for my tortillas. She comes behind me heading for the sink with the oil and says "what would you do if I threw this hot oil on your back, hahaha?" This was after an argument via facebook messaging with her a day before.
Like WTF? Deranged psycho much??
What? Does your husband know about this? And he is okay with that? I was going to agree with most everyone who said talk to husband, set out a timeline and some rules, etc, being fair. But this changes my opinion. They need to go, now. Or you go now, for the safety of you and your children.0 -
What kind of person makes a decision like that without consulting with their spouse?
Your primary problem is with your husband, Your inlaws are only secondary.
AGREED!!!0 -
You might need to have a 3rd party negotiator when you sit down. It might help keep tempers intact so the problem can be discussed. Best of luck that's a tough situation to be in.0
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If they're not on your lease, it might be possible to be evicted for having too many people living in too small a space. At our townhome, I believe we can have 4 adults and 4 kids, or something like that. You may want to reread your lease. There may be legalese that states if someone is living there more than a week or two, that they may need to be added to the lease. It could be something that you and your husband use to get your in-laws out. Good luck!0
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What kind of person makes a decision like that without consulting with their spouse?
Your primary problem is with your husband, Your inlaws are only secondary.
agreed0 -
You mention that when you bring up the issue his reply is: It's my sister.
Sounds EXACTLY like my ex, whose answer to me was: It's my sister, what am I supposed to do? It's my father, what am I supposed to do?
HERE is what HE needs to know: When you two married, YOU became his family and his first and foremost obligation became YOU, not any brothers, sisters or parents....YOU. Remind him of his commitment that he made when you got married and that, while you supported his decision to help out his sister while she was pregnant, her child is now 7 months old and he needs to consider your physical and emotional health.
Be willing to make a compromise, perhaps stating first how much it meant to you when he was willing to help her out when she was in need, yet following that up with the fact that you need your personal space, time and sleep. Make a suggestion, such as, I would like to see them out in a month, yet I understand some things take time, so by the time the baby is a year old I would like them moved out. Express, in a kind way, what your needs are and how they are not being met by them living there.
At least that is what I would do. I tried the above advice with my husband but he cared more about his father and sister than he did about me, which he showed through his actions over the period of many years. I hope your husband is more reasonable than mine was.0 -
Saying awful things about your own culture doesn't make it ok.
Sorry dear, you married into a Spanish family, this is what you get. This is their culture.
STEREOTYPES ARE FUN....
Wait.. no they're not. :noway:
Yeah..my vision just went burry with rage when I saw this...I'm going to back out now before someone gets hurt
tLOL, Bring it.
BTW, this is true with both the italian and spanish sides of my family. So before you accuse me of being a bigot, maybe you should find out a little more about me.
She is just upset cause HER family lacks manners... My HISPANIC family would never treat each other like that.0 -
What kind of person makes a decision like that without consulting with their spouse?
Your primary problem is with your husband, Your inlaws are only secondary.
Exactly this. Tell hubby they go or you do and stick to it.
I have to agree... My hubby would never give that invite without talking to me. I wouldn't say no but we would have to talk about rules and a time frame.0
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