Cruel Family Members

shortnerdy

Hey MFP's

This started as a reply to another topic then I started to go off topic so I made this thread.

Anyone have any discouraging/nasty or just mean comments made by family members/very close friends? How do you cope and what did they say?

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My grandfather the other week when I was down for Thanksgiving I commented on how much he's lost and he looks at me and says "You're still fat"

I've lost 14 pounds since I last saw him and that comment actually made me cry because I've been working so hard. I sat open mouthed and wide eyed for several minutes before a high pitched "Seriously? How could you say that?" Came out and he seemed to think there was nothing wrong with his comment.

The rest of my family knows I am trying to lose and always asks for updates, my 19 year old sister even just signed up for MFP! I don't think anyone has really said anything about my weightloss that didn't already know about my journey as I am telling everyone what I'm doing as motivation I'm not quitting/gaining back.

I really think on my 5'2 frame a 14 pound weight loss would be fairly significant but for some reason and Im sure some of you can relate: Even after many compliments, the words of my grandfather are the ones that stick in my head Im trying to use it as motivation but at the same time it hurts like hell.

Tell me your stories.

vicky1804

Not me personally, but on our wedding day my new hubbies mam told him he was getting fat!

First off how mean? secondly its our wedding day how dare she!

Im really sorry about what your grandad said. Sometimes I think family esp dont think about what they say because they are family

Try not to dwell too much

shortnerdy

Not me personally, but on our wedding day my new hubbies mam told him he was getting fat!

First off how mean? secondly its our wedding day how dare she!

Im really sorry about what your grandad said. Sometimes I think family esp dont think about what they say because they are family

Try not to dwell too much

Thanks for the kind words Vicky

vicky1804

Your welcome
Actually I remember before I started losing weight I had cut my hair.
I was at a family party and everyone had been drinking when my dad and auntie suddenly turned on me and said I was starting to look like a boy!

I was gobsmacked - I got a taxi right home, got in the door and started crying. Explained everything to my mam who a few days later rang my dad and had words with him.

Its got to be the most painful thing anyone had said to me

umLogan

I've found, in my forty-three years of life, that when mean people talk about (or to) others, they're really talking about themselves.

When he said, "you're fat," what he really meant was I don't like myself so I'm going to try to make you as miserable as I am. And the better you feel, the harder I'm going to try.

Instead of being upset with yourself, it might help if you try to feel sympathy toward him for his self-hatred.

Fourteen pounds is a great accomplishment, especially for one of us petite women.

Congratulations on your weight loss!

scd78

I always heard the males in my family making comments when I was growing up like "she be so much prettier if she lost weight, she has a pretty face BUT... and then to me "do you know how much happier you'd be if you'd lose weight?" Now I'll admit I was much happier last year after losing 50 pounds than I am with myself now after losing motivation and gaining half back...but...even though I am not happy with my body doesn't mean I'm not happy with my life, my family, and my job!

Hang in there...he should have never made that comment to you. That was ignorant!

SoDamnHungry

A lot of old people tend to make rude comments about weight. I've noticed that over the years.

irisic

older people tend to say ridiculous things sometimes, but don't pay attention to them.... my grandma is always talking about how fat a person looks etc etc etc, its so weird and annoying but its just how she is. As long as you feel good about yourself don't pay attention to the bad comments, it is really not worth it, keep up the good work and don't let anybody bring you down

michcruz

I've been in similar situations. As much as it's hard to ignore, try to. It'll only hurt your progress in changing your lifestyle. You do what you need to do to make yourself feel more better about yourself. You will show them!!

derekj222

My grandpa one time said at someones birthday party: "Don't you think you shouldn't be eating that cake" in front of a lot of my family. I felt so embarrassed. I feel that older people are very opinionated and aren't able to hold in their thoughts as they get older...ha...oh well. Some people will encourage you along this journey, some will pretend you don't exist anymore, some will not even say anything after you've lost nearly 50 lbs because they are jealous.....no matter what, you are doing this for you, and no one else, yes I love that my mom is so proud of me now, but in the end I want to just sit down and cry for how happy I am for accomplishing this on MY OWN!

kelsey054

This remark wasn't made by friends at all. My senior year of high school, three years ago, I had to do a group project where we had to reenact a part of Shakespeare; we had to improvise with things we had right then and there. Well I was going to be the sound effects, thunder mainly. Well my group was up, so I was making a "boom" sound and in front of the whole class the two "popular" girls said:

1st girl: "Wow, she sounds like a cow making those sounds."
2nd girl: "well look at her, she is a cow."

It simply broke me hearing those words. I wanted to cry, i wanted to hurt them, anything to make me feel better. But what I did do was simply smile at them and went on. However after school I bawled my eyes out for hours.

shortnerdy

Thanks for your stories and kind words guys. Wow some of you had some terrible things said! This is why I love MFP, we all know what it's like to be bullied about your weight.

Thanks again you guys are amazing

reb0021

A year after my daughter was born (she is my third) it was chrstmas dinner my stepdad said quite loudly "So now that ur married you can get fat?" I almost died. I looked him rigtht in the eyes and said " I just had a baby, my third by the way" Called him a a-hole in my head and ran to the bathroom and cried.

That was four years ago and I remember it like yesterday. People have know idea what how hurtful those comments can be and how long we hold onto them.

After reading all of your postings I say "let go of the power those people hold over us, we are all trying and that is aewsome"

Evey_bee

When I said I was going on a diet, my Dad asked me if it was the "see-food" diet ¬_¬
My mum just likes to comment about how she was so much skinnier when she was my age and then when i lose weight complains that i don't need to lose weight!

pommesvertes

After trying & failing for years I've finally decided that the best method, for me, is to just not tell anyone. When my family knew I was losing weight I'd get comments all the time about not eating 'their' food and if I was ever seen eating something but lettuce I'd get a sharp "oh THAT'S on your diet, is it?"

A few days ago I was talking about the gym with a friend of mine & a guy we know laughed & said "you go to the gym?".

So now only people know on a need-to-know basis. Too many people tend to relish in the fact that I fail rather than helping me out, so I'll get slim in secret and then buy something super slinky for a family gathering as a big F you to everyone that laughed, haha.

EDIT: Sorry, you've sparked memories & anger, haha. I remember my friend had a boyfriend in high school who said to me "Miah, you better be careful next time you go into town. I heard they've got a new weight restriction." Ugh. & in year 7 (so I was 11!) my Physical Ed. teacher called me a 'fat waste of school time'. Also, gossipy girls who couldn't act their age in my second year of college were trying to work out who in our class was a virgin or not. It got to me & I heard them say "her? No way has she. Can you imagine it?" and start doing all these 'wobby' noises and actions.

Ha. I hate people sometimes.

pastryari

One of my older brothers used to tell me that I was fat and would be the ugliest one at the bar/party that night. He also did a lot of other crap that I don't put up with anymore.

I cut him out of my life and don't have to listen to *kitten* like that anymore. Just because someone is family doesn't mean I'll let myself be miserable by keeping them around.

lesnwhisper

I'd get a sharp "oh THAT'S on your diet, is it?"

....HEY!! - are we from the same family?? I always wanted a sister ;-)

2012asv

my family doesn't have a way with words either... I keep minimal contact with them. Not suggesting you do that though.

Growing up my aunts/uncles/grandma said MEAN things to me about my appearance, often times things that i could NOT change about myself- for example how big my lips are, or how short i am. It was often depressing, but I've found the less I care about what they think or say to me verbally the more content I am with myself.

of course not having to see them all the time helps too :laugh:

bluegrasschica

My dad once told me that if l lost some weight maybe l could find a boyfriend. And my grandma has said you're pretty but you would be so much prettier if you lost some weight. I love my family but sometimes what they say does hurt. I've lost 10lbs now and lm really proud of that!!

dontforgethemilk

I'm really lucky to have a very understanding family. My brother lost 80lbs, my mom 50lbs, and me 30lbs. I was told me a stranger that I was fat and I was just like 'Yup, and I'm working on it.' I don't get hurt by words, but I've never had a relative say something like that. It was incredibly inconsiderate for him to say that to you. I don't even know you, and I'm proud of you. Ignore him, this journey isn't about him. It's about you.

juliec33

I've found, in my forty-three years of life, that when mean people talk about (or to) others, they're really talking about themselves.

When he said, "you're fat," what he really meant was I don't like myself so I'm going to try to make you as miserable as I am. And the better you feel, the harder I'm going to try.

Instead of being upset with yourself, it might help if you try to feel sympathy toward him for his self-hatred.

Fourteen pounds is a great accomplishment, especially for one of us petite women.

Congratulations on your weight loss!

totally this!!! I lost someone who I thought was a really good friend because of this journey. I think she was jealous that I was able to finally lose the weight and get healthy. She would start a diet and then stop. Every time I tried to encourage her all she would hear is "blah, blah, blah, you're fat, blah, blah, blah". I never said that but that's how she felt and it's easier for her to think that I said it than admit that's what she really thinks.

Be proud of yourself!!! Deep down I bet your Grandpa is proud of you too!

MissSusieQ

my nan does it a lot, but I honestly don't think she means to be hurtful, it's just part of her social commentary, and I'd probably be much more hurt if it didn't send my mum into immediate backflips trying to smooth it over.
I have two sisters, one tall and lean, one shorter and more prone to roundness like me. my favourite one is when nan talks about how lovely and slim the tall sister is, and then just trails off, leaving 'but look at the other two' hanging unspoken in the air. usually I ignore it, but my favourite response was the day that 'but how often does she come visit you?' slipped out (she lives overseas)

xlacijeanx

Luckily nothing my family has really said to me left a nasty impression- but I do remember comments about my weight growing up and blah blah blah. They don't tell us anything we don't already know... but some people just feel the need to knock others down, when they should be supporting each other. I've had nasty comments said to me all my life about how beautiful I was, but that I was fat. Had many guys who wouldn't date me because of my weight. Even had a fling when I was younger and he told me that if I lost weight a guy would want me as a girlfriend and not just a F buddy. People are a holes. They don't realize their words hurt us so much and don't help us at all only hurt us. I had a horrible neighbor once that we had to make multiple complaints on and when they got threatened to be evicted for disturbing others and people not on the lease living there- I heard the one girl yell "Oh thanks to our fat *kitten* neighbor!" Took everything I had not to go outside and snap the skinny biotch in half lol. Once working as a secretary for an attorney I had a older woman say, you're so beautiful, but you really need to lose weight. Like duh- as if I want to be fat! After losing almost 150lbs I'm still considered overweight and people look at me strange when I tell them I go to the gym.... but when I go to the gym most of the people are like me, in transition and our outer bodies havent adjusted to our lifestyles yet... people are ignorant.. just try and use your grandfathers nasty and rude comment as motivation to show him next time that you aren't always going to be "fat". If someone in my family would have said that I would have called them out on it and told them that the weight didn't come on overnight and it isn't going to come off overnight either. 14lbs is an amazing loss so keep pushing and show him he is wrong!

NaturallyOlivia

Towards the end of my senior year I put on wuite a bit of weight because i wasnt involved in activities and sporta like i was in the fall and basically became all around lazy. On the night of my graduation one of my boyfriend's friends (whom i also did marching band with in the fall) comes up to me as im going to greet my parents and says "there's been a lot of rumors floating around in bamd so i just wanted to know, is it true that you're pregnant? because you have really put on a lot of weight recently" and i laughed it off like " no, just a few too many cheeseburgera lately!" but it really scarred me. thats my most vivid memory of my graduation. People can be really cruel sometimes

lisabinco

Oye! Family can be such a pain in the as*.
My brothers had me convinced I was fat for years. Looking back after college, a few years later, I realized they were full of sh**. Idiots, really, my brothers are about women anyway. I haven't paid much attention to their opinions about things in a long time.
I remember this with a chuckle now, doesn't sting anymore, but a brother's friend made a comment that stayed with me the longest. I was bouncing on the high dive at our local pool when I was 16 or 17 years old (a long, long time ago) and the friend remarked how I jiggled all around when I jumped on the diving board. Ouch!
Now when that phrase comes back to me, I think "What an a**hole" and mentally move on.
Refuse to give anyone the power to bring you down.

LosingWeight64

My son, when he was 14 (they are so fun at that age lol) was in the room when i was telling someone i was trying to lose weight.. (i was doing slim fast)... anyhow, my son says... yeah, she's on the Slim Slow program... it didnt hurt me at all tho.. prob because A- he is my son and i know he wasnt being mean.. just witty.. and B- it was pretty witty.. i still chuckle when i think of it today.
On the other end of the spectrum, my sister who used to have a rockin body used to wait until we were around guys ( we were in our 20's) and thats when she would tease me for being fat, or say just outright mean things.. i wanted to die i was so embarrased. she has since appologised because she got sick and the meds made her pretty big.. now she knows what it's like and feels horrible for what she said in the past.

trinalily

3 weeks after to giving birth to my son, my mother looked at me and said " You're fat from your shoulders to your knees." I will never forget that. I was 19, and a size 14 (I'm 5'10").

My brother told me the song "Baby Got Back" was written especially for me.

My older sister said she would die if her butt ever got as big as mine. I was a size 12 at the time.

Same sister (who uses Adderall to prevent herself from eating) also likes to stand in front of me and stretch as high as she can towards the ceiling so I can see how thin she is. Seriously. This only happens at holidays because I refuse to be around her any other time.

Did I mention that my sister AND brother are both single, bitter a**holes and also have a drinking problem?

I just smile, nod and say "Yep, that's me. Fatty with a big butt, a husband and son who adore me, a successful business, a triathlete, a non-alcoholic and happy as hell!" They always change the subject when I say this.

It's a wonder any of us survive our childhood.

Moxie42

My mom tries to be supportive and I KNOW she has the best intentions...but she doesn't know how to phrase it. I think she thinks that if something is a fact, then it shouldn't hurt to hear.

In high school, even though I was a healthy weight and fit, if I ever gained even just a couple pounds she would say "looks like it's time to start doing sit-ups again!" (The first time she said thing I freaked out and went from 134 to 111 in a month, and I had eating issues for the next 5 years, convinced I was horribly fat and starving myself anytime my weight went above 120). Then I gained a lot of weight in my 20s and she expressed her concerns several times, saying things like "It's really become obvious and it doesn't look good."

Now I'm trying to lose weight, and she DID tell me once, "I can tell you've slimmed down. You're doing well!" and at first I told her every time I lost a pound because I was excited. Now, if I don't say anything, she assumes I fell off the wagon. Or if I lose less than a pound a week, she says I'm doing something wrong. SHE lost 40 lbs easily and consistently...no plateaus, no stalls, etc...so she thinks that it should be working that way for me as well. She also make those "is that on your diet?" comments even though I've explained a million times "it's not a diet."

Like I said, I know she has the best intentions...but I think I get really down on myself because I feel like such a failure next to HER standards. I see her less than once a month and I always worry that she'll think I gained (even if I lost) or that my loss won't be good enough in her mind. It really F's with my head and makes this process harder than it otherwise would be. I kinda wish I had just done this on my own and not told her I was trying.

kenazfehu

At my BIL's wedding, his uncle remarked to my husband that BIL had better taste in women than he (my husband) did. And I was standing right there, too.

I decided it was a compliment to how lovely the bride looked and not an insult to me. It's easier on my feelings to think that way.

chellie47

My Father in law once said if he had all his daughter in laws weights in gold - he would be rich~ Needless to say we are all over weight..... I cant even remember what we were taking about but that part stuck!

Sharon_C

No family members have ever said anything mean to me but in grade school I was known as "Grape Ape". And once when I was 12 or 13 I was at a video arcade (yes, I know that term ages me), I was told, "Get out of my way, fatty."

Both of those have stuck with me for the past 30-some years and I think they both have a lot to do with how I perceive myself to this day. Never mind that I've been happily married for 22 years and have 3 beautiful kids and a full, wonderful life. Those words still hurt.

A lot of the popular people I went to grade school with who liked to call me "Grape Ape" have found me on FB and friended me. And you know what? I'm a lot thinner than they are. So neener-neener. But you also know what? I would never, ever say anything like that to them because I know how much it hurts.