Adultery Diet

porterbaby38

i've been there too. long time ago in 1996. i was married a man who cheated on me, when we were together and when we were married. we didn't have any kids, because i miscarried twice. when he left me i really didn't eat at all and i lost almost 35 to 40 lbs. i eventually gained it back though.

Mommabee

YAY!!!! You go and you have a GOOOD time!!!! Keep us posted!
Hugs!!:flowerforyou:

sabes2631

im home. it sucked.
i felt super old. so we went to the next place and all along i saw people that he knows an dworst of all is one of them can barely say hello becuz i think he knew.
I am home in my robe with my dog back under the covers.
I miss my life and my husband.
i dont want to have to go out and meet anyone. I dont want anyone else.

Iceprincessk25

im home. it sucked.
i felt super old. so we went to the next place and all along i saw people that he knows an dworst of all is one of them can barely say hello becuz i think he knew.
I am home in my robe with my dog back under the covers.
I miss my life and my husband.
i dont want to have to go out and meet anyone. I dont want anyone else.

Yup.....that's pretty much how I felt when I went out with my sister. I felt WAAAY older than everyone. Getting back out into the dating world was such a daunting thought so all I wanted to do was stay home and watch my sex in the city. I didn't have my doggie then and I am sure he would've been such a comfort so I am glad you have your dog.

There's nothing really to say that will make you feel better. Time is the only thing that helps. MANY a time I wished there was a fast forward button for my life so I could get to the part where it didn't hurt as much.

weaklink109

You don't HAVE to do anything right now except take care of you. It would not be fair to you or to the other person for you to rush out and "meet" someone. You are very vulnerable now. You can still socialize with your friends. You learned something tonight. You are not comfortable right now going out and doing the party scene. There are still plenty of other things you can do to keep your state of mind moving toward the positive. You don't have to have a man in your life to be a complete person.

There is a process you have to go through to be ready to accept moving on. It is more difficult when you had the rug pulled out from you. The easy thing to do is withdraw and say "I want things to be as they were." Adopting this philosophy is not going to help your mental health in the long run.

I could write a book on coping in such situations, but everyone's experience is a little different. I know it seems impossible to you right now, but it will get better. Just don't give up on YOU. You are still a valuable, intelligent person, and you deserve to have good things happen to you. Don't let the actions of another destroy your confidence in yourself and your ability to build a good life for yourself.

Tomorrow is another day. Meet it with your head held high. If weather permits, take that sweet doggie for a walk. Make something healthy for breakfast. Curl up with the doggie and read the paper. Meet a friend for coffee. These are just some suggestions. I hope you have a good Sunday.

Keep posting. We are all pulling for you.

arewethereyet

As a woman who is with the same man since I was 21 years old, I cannot imagine what you must feel. I had a DREAM I caught him cheating one time and awoke to punch him in the chest! I couldn't even look at him for a week.............and it was a freaking dream!

All I can say is that I am very proud of you for seeking help in whatever venue you have available to you. It is hard to talk to friends and family because they love you too much.

So here you can call him anything you want..........well with ^*$#% anyway! We will listen.

I am simply amazed that you did the disney run! You should feel pride and love for yourself for doing this.

YOU ARE BRAVE AND YOU ARE WORTH LOVING!!!!!

Jeannie

cmriverside

Good morning sabe.

Sorry about the whole "bar scene" thing. I am so old that if they carded me they would say, "Sorry, but we're full....." :laugh:

NO worries. The men will be there .......later. I hope you will give yourself a long time to sort this through before trying another relationship, and it really isn't fair to another man to get involved when you are still married or even while you are still angry.

Flirting is fun. But "wanting anyone else" - as you said - needs to take at least a year as weaklink said. Get through the breakup first.

Maybe find a book club or a running group or join a ZUMBA class. Dancing at ZUMBA will heal your spirit. The music will grab you and the exercise will lift you up.

Good morning to your pup, too. :flowerforyou:

ltlhmom

All i can say is keep your chin up! Baby steps! You will get through this!!! HUGS!

hglewis

I applaud you for attempting to turn a negative into a positive by bettering yourself. I recently broke up with a woman that I know was my soul mate...I am certain that she is an angel with one wing and I am an angel with one wing and only together could we fly. Anyway, she decided that she wasn't ready for an intense relationship so she let me go and I tell you I have never felt such raw and unmitigated pain in my life. It would be easy to hit the bars and numb the pain with cheap booze and cheaper women, but I have decided to take the high road and get in the best possible shape of my life. I guess subconsciously I think that I might get her back if I get more ripped and more tanned, but realistically I know it's over. The only solace I have now is that for every pound of fat I lose, for every pound of muscle I gain and for every shade darker I get in the tanning booth I know that I am not only making my body healthier but my heart as well. Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on. BTW I see you like to tan at your gym. Banana Boat has just put out a dry oil spray tan accelerant that is working pretty well for me. I found it at Target and it has really given me a nice and deep bronzed tone.

kellysmithboise

I went through this as well and like you I ran a marathon exactly a year after my divorce. Running and training for a race like that must show you by now that you can do anything you put your mind to-- and that includes getting through this devastating experience. I can speak from experience that it does get better. Focus on yourself and your children (if you have any) your friends and your loved ones. You didn't make your husband cheat, his lack of character did! Believe in yourself and look forward.
Not sure if you are trying to make your marriage work or if you are getting divorced but one thing is for sure: Good things await you!
I never thought I would find happiness again. But today I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. I wouldn't trade the hard times I have lived through for anything. They brought me to a better place.

sabes2631

Thank you. I know in the end I will be stronger. My spirit is broken, but my will is not. I am in limbo still between fighting for my marriage and letting go. I think that my gut says let go - he isnt mine anymore. And my tenacity and stubborness is making me say wait - I need you back first so then I can make the choice. I feel like we owe it another shot.
He said he still wants the divorce, but is willing to continue to see our therapist before he signs the papers (i served him) - he said his feelings had changed so much overthe time that our marriage was souring that he sees no future for us as a married couple.
But he met me at churchthis morning. Then we grabbed a bite to eat. Then sat in the car and talked - in which I was saying the for better or worse means you dont bail. Our relationship as it was is dead. We would have to start a new one. I cried. I told him to come home. I really am pathetic. But he is my husband and I am his wife dammit. He doesnt know what he wants from all of this. Just insists that he does not have the desire to try to make it work.
The therapist thinks he is running form something that he will have to face inside himself if he should decide that he wants to make this work.
Of course he is not in love with me, otherwise he wouldnt have had an affair. Duh. But it doesnt mean it is gone forever. I am still the same person who he said I DO to 17 months ago - actually a better, stronger person because of this and some things i have discovered about myself.
Following this journey together, he will learn about himself as well.
Couples get through this. I need to know that I did everything I possibly could for this marriage.
Last night sucked. I wasnt looking for "someone" i was just wanting to be out and feel good about myself. I hate the bar scene, but my single girlfriends are entertaining. LOL
I am fighting for my marriage. But I am also realistic.

This is day 30 for me on finding out about him.
At some point I will be ready for my Day 1 for me. I am just not there yet.
I will be though,

weaklink109

Sabes,

So glad you posted today. You sounded so much better than after you came in from your night out. It sounds like your survivor spirit is coming to the forefront and that will help you, whatever the outcome of your situation turns out to be. The therapy will help, too--no matter which way things turn out.

I will keep you in my prayers.:flowerforyou:

ERnurse

You look amazing in your pic - I am so sorry to hear of what you are dealing with - and I think it is horribly sad that so many others are going through it too

mmtiernan

I went through the same thing when I was 6 months pregnant. Now 25 years later, he has passed away from alcholism. I can look back at my wrongs in the marriage and his. It all hurt so much and I was so confused.
...

Two suggestions: Do not beat yourself with this. His adultery really has nothing to do with you. it is his problem and his choice.
There is nothing you did or did not do to cause this.

Believe it or not, this is also my story - he cheated when I first got pregnant. Decided that he suddenly didn't want to be a father and as my body changed during pregnancy, he didn't want me, either. He went through two more wives after I divorced him and ended up dying nearly 3 years ago from a heart attack brought on by extreme alcholism, smoking and a constant diet of fast food.

I had the same thought you did - that I needed to be sure that I had done everything possible to save the marriage. I stayed for a year and it was the longest, loneliest year of my life. It was so hard - none of our friends would talk to me any more. My mother in law had passed away, but my father in law told me that it was my fault because it was 'the woman's job to keep the marriage together' (he has since apologized, remarkably). If it weren't for my therapist, I don't know how I would have come out the other side intact. In fact, therapy was far and away the smartest thing that I did for myself - it was such a relief to have someone to talk to who was not intimately involved in the situation and could help me work through it objectively.

However - the quotes above are absolutely right: There is NOTHING that you did or did not do to cause this! It is HIS problem, and not yours!

One day, you will decide to rise up from this - and you will rise up with your power, your confidence and your dignity intact. You will be able to plan your life beyond him and you will celebrate yourself once again. Have faith in yourself.

We are all here for you!

arewethereyet

This thread has reminded me of a conversation with my since deceased mother. I remember one day telling her I was going to leave my husband.

She asked:

'Did he hit you?"

"Did he cheat?"

"Is he drinking"

"Did he spend his paycheck and not pay the bills?"

" Did he not come home after work every night?"

I said no to the all of the above. Her response was:

"The next one MIGHT!"

Just something on my mind. My heart hurts for you today. I do not even know any of you, but my heart hurts. :tear:

arewethereyet

Thank you. I know in the end I will be stronger. My spirit is broken, but my will is not. I am in limbo still between fighting for my marriage and letting go. I think that my gut says let go - he isnt mine anymore. And my tenacity and stubborness is making me say wait - I need you back first so then I can make the choice.

Not for nothing but I had a friend do this 24 years ago and she is still fighting Herpes. :ohwell:

I say YOU are worth moving on with your life.

chilli

I see so many have gone through the same, just as I have. I hope all these replies will give you strength.
You will get better, it just takes time. I used to survive on practically fresh air, adrenalin and alcohol. Wasn't much of me to start with and a lot less after few weeks but my body sorted itself out in the end. Adulterers suck but the hurt survive and are stronger for it.
Just remember you are far better than them and can rise above this.

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

sabes2631

i feel better right now. i live in the now. i am more than so profoundly grateful for all of you on this board. sharing stories to let me know i will survive and i am handling this like i should...
i feel at this moment that i have moved from processing to dealing...

it is a step into a new phase i think.
who knows what tomorrow will bring.
but i think i have turned a little corner.....

weaklink109

Sabes,


I think you are on the right track, and showing great self awareness. We are all pulling for you.

katiep79

Stay strong friend! It is a horrible experience and until you have lived it you really have no idea how hard it truly is:(

I am so sorry for you and know that things will get better. I had a friend tell me....you know in one year you are not going to feel this way, this time next year you will be ok. WOW, that sounded so far away but, almost 4 years to the day I AM OK! Remarried this past June and happier than ever!!

I happened to do will with the adultery diet as well.....but I have been on the Happy and in love diet and now I am "fluffy" again

Wishing you all the best and healing thoughts your way!