EXTREME weight loss & divorce
I have heard of a lot of people who when they met & married their spouse, both were heavy but both were very happy. Sometime during the marriage, one partner lost an extreme amount of weight the right way - exercising & eating right. Not long after, the marriage split. Why do you think this happens? Would it have happened if both partners stayed unhealthy? There "seemed to be" no problems in the marriage, BUT we never know what goes on behind closed doors so we really never know.
I guess I'm just a little worried because both the hubs & I are very heavy and have had a lot issues in the past that we successfully fought through & made our marriage stronger. BUT -- He has a lot of underlying health issues that would be corrected with weight loss but he seems content with where he is. He also bought a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts & was going to bring them home KNOWING donuts are the one food which will send me on a downward spiral.
Have your spouses/partners/significant others gotten on board with your loss? Or are they like mine, content to sit around & bring in "your weakness"?
I guess I'm just a little worried because both the hubs & I are very heavy and have had a lot issues in the past that we successfully fought through & made our marriage stronger. BUT -- He has a lot of underlying health issues that would be corrected with weight loss but he seems content with where he is. He also bought a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts & was going to bring them home KNOWING donuts are the one food which will send me on a downward spiral.
Have your spouses/partners/significant others gotten on board with your loss? Or are they like mine, content to sit around & bring in "your weakness"?
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I think many times the marriages end because the thin person now has options. Perhaps they settled when they were heavier. Sad fact, but true sometimes.0
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I think sometimes it is that the weight loss bring out more confidence and new interests (my neighbor got into cycling and then triatholons and those folks became his new friends). Some people take on a healthy lifestyle, but if their spouse is not supportive, it can drive a rift through the relationship. Often times, I think it just somehow magnifies problems that have always been there.0
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I think in some cases, the marriages end because as the person getting healthy starts to raise their self-esteem, they suddenly realize that they don't need to be putting up with what they've been putting up with. Once that confidence is raised and you start respecting yourself, you start to notice more that your partner perhaps doesn't, or isn't treating you well.
This happened to me.0 -
My husband has voiced his worries to me about if I will "leave him" after I lose a bunch of weight. I told him "You met me at 220 lbs. I'm now down to 208, and even once I get to my goal weight I will not leave you. Because you loved me and accepted me the way I was at 220 lbs (and my highest 280) and that means alot to me!" I love this man and whether I'm fat or thin, I'll always love him the same!0
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My husband has always been very fit, and I think I got resentful after having difficult pregnancies and gaining lots of weight over the last few years. Now that I've lost a bunch, I feel like we finally look like a couple again. I actually find myself teasing him about not exercising as often as he says he's going to (how the tables have turned!) I know what you mean, though, about weight loss and divorce. My uncle (who is sweet, and funny, and chubby) was married to a woman that we all adored, and they seemed very happy. Until she lost about 50lbs and thought she was hot **** and left him. Poor guy. Sure, he could have lost weight and gotten healthier too, but I suppose he's content with where he is. I think it's hard for healthy people to see unhealthy people and not see laziness. And I don't anybody finds laziness attractive. :ohwell:0
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Krispy Kremes are my weakness too....and SO brings them to me when we fight....I think they are made with crack...I just cannot say no to them!
But SO isnt on board with my weight loss...kinda makes me sad...He thinks that I am getting healthy so I will leave him (which is definitely not the case) and it makes him insecure and withdrawn, which in return makes things tense between us.....We will work it out, just like everything else, but just wish he would understand my intentions are strictly for my wellbeing.0 -
I think in some cases, the marriages end because as the person getting healthy starts to raise their self-esteem, they suddenly realize that they don't need to be putting up with what they've been putting up with. Once that confidence is raised and you start respecting yourself, you start to notice more that your partner perhaps doesn't, or isn't treating you well.
This happened to me.
^^ this.0 -
Just try to keep the communication open and remember you can only be accountable for yourself. Your husband has to make his own decisions.
Weight loss is more an outcome of change, not the cause of it.0 -
I think in some cases, the marriages end because as the person getting healthy starts to raise their self-esteem, they suddenly realize that they don't need to be putting up with what they've been putting up with. Once that confidence is raised and you start respecting yourself, you start to notice more that your partner perhaps doesn't, or isn't treating you well.
This happened to me.
I couldn't have said it better...this happened to me too0 -
keep at it, he may decide to follow your lead once you've been on ur path long enuf - for now, definitely ask him not to bring donuts in - especially a dozen! it took my hubby 6 months of me doing well losing weight and getting results before he got on board with losing weight and using mfp... good luck
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I might be slammed for saying this, but I think unhappiness is usually the motivating factor in making any life change including weight loss. I think that if the decision is made to loose weight by one and not the other it can mean that that person is unhappy in their life.0
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my husband was NOT supportive of my weight loss. he has never been very active and has no idea about nutrition, but he also is NOT overweight. He says he loved me the way I was and wanted to know WHY I needed to change. 3 months ago, I left him. We are divorcing. We were married for 4.5 years and we had our issues, but him not supporting me in something like losing weight, was a HUGE eye opener!0
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I'm not married, but have a male roommate. We've known each other for a long time, and have cohabited for over 2yrs without an issue. He's 6'2" and no problem with weight. Eats anything. Lately, he's been sabotaging my meal plans and I swear it's on purpose!! Then he mentioned the other day, "if you get all thin and hot I guess you will find some guy and punt me to the curb."
The light bulb went off! He's afraid he'll lose our cozy living arrangements and get replaced. True, we're not a couple, but it would upset his world all the same. I think spouses can get insecure about the partner that is losing weight. You see it happen too many times. Newly thin partner thinks it's time for an upgrade and throws in the towel.
It's easier for the heavier partner to sabotage things, then get on board with the program. Insecurities can make people do stupid stuff.0 -
Marraiges don't just end because one person gets to a healthy body weight while the other does not. There is WAY more going on, usually behind closed doors, that lead to the demise. And, a partner who can't be supportive of the person they promised to love & cherish, while they endeavor to make choices for better health?????? I'd say there's definitely an underlying issue that needs explored. Certainly not insurmountable, but left unaddressed, it could become very troublesome.0
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Losing a lot of weight and keeping it off is a huge change in lifestyle. A huge change in lifestyle accompanies a huge change in perspective and outlook on life in general. Of course that will affect your personality. I guess what depends is whether or not your partner is able to either adapt to it, or even just accept it.0
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I'm no psychologist, not even an amateur psychologist, but it might be that he's feeling a little lost. Both of you obviously love food (me too!) and I'm wondering if he feels like he's losing something special between the two of you (your love of food) and he brings home the donuts in the hope of bringing back what he's losing.
Just a thought I had.0 -
I think jealousy is the biggest factor here.0
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My hubby seems content about where he is even though he shouldn't be. He tries bull**** comments like he's just gonna stop eating altogether whenever he doesn't get what he want's. Which just backfires on him because he doesn't like getting yelled at. He always makes up excuses, and I tell him we're going anyways. We just started this less than a week ago though so I hope he stops whining when he gets used to it and actual sees some good results.
I really think it depends on the couple if they stay together. I was 164 pounds when we became a couple (long distance US-Sweden), 273 when we got married. I don't think we're gonna be in trouble when we lose weight, really. But you never know.0 -
My husband and I went through a very difficult time that lasted a few years. But I don't blame the fact that I got healthy and he did not. I think the problems came first. I think I started to work on me to prepare myself to be alone. I wasn't sure we were going to make it so I started to spend more time on me, getting strong... in many ways.
Since then we have sought counseling and have repaired a lot of the damage to our marriage and he is now excercising with me!
So in my opinion, if your relationship is strong it will stay strong despite the lifestyle changes.0 -
Talk to your spouse about your need for support and that includes not bringing home donuts.0
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UMy husband has voiced his worries to me about if I will "leave him" after I lose a bunch of weight. I told him "You met me at 220 lbs. I'm now down to 208, and even once I get to my goal weight I will not leave you. Because you loved me and accepted me the way I was at 220 lbs (and my highest 280) and that means alot to me!" I love this man and whether I'm fat or thin, I'll always love him the same!
This. My SO met me at my highest 300 pounds and looked right past it. We've been together over a year and I have only gotten support my whole journey. I wish more couples have as much support as I do.0 -
Because compatibility is a pretty important aspect of marriage and relationships in general. If one person changes their eating and exercise habits drastically while the other remains engaging in the lifestyle that got them overweight and unhealthy, it can drive a huge wedge between them. Factor in the health and well-being of children in the picture, and it can become an even bigger deal and source of incredible tension and stress.0
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I think jealousy is the biggest factor here.
I don't agree at all. Marriage experts say that any major change is (at least initially) met with resistance from one's partner. It's not about jealousy necessarily, but when your partner makes a major change, it's human nature to resist or reject it. Yes I'm sure some partners might be envious (it's envy really, not jealousy), but I just don't think that's always the case.0 -
keep at it, he may decide to follow your lead once you've been on ur path long enuf - for now, definitely ask him not to bring donuts in - especially a dozen! it took my hubby 6 months of me doing well losing weight and getting results before he got on board with losing weight and using mfp... good luck
And ^^^THIS^^^. My hubby took about 9 months to get on board. Then lost 35lbs in 4 months (the stinker). He's proud of my running. . .supports me spending $$ on gear and racing. But he's not too fond of the flattering comments made by some of my male cowokers. But, he knows without question that I wanted to look good for HIM and to make myself happy. Not to get random guys to look at me.0 -
Losing an extreme amount of weight takes an extreme amount of change, and dedication. When one spouse is dedicated and motivated, and the other is not, it can create a huge rift.0
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The bonds of commitment, love, loyalty and acceptance has more to do with whether the marriage stays solid and strong than does weight loss. Tell your husband how you feel and how once again you are requesting his support and love by not bringing home food that you struggle around. Regarding his weight and his health issues the same thing. You can explain your feelings of concern but his weight can't be resolved by you, only by him. I assume you love him no matter ? Then nagging about his weight probably isn't a good idea IMO. He'll see how great you look and feel and hopefully will follow with his own improved fitness . Taking long walks and hikes together is a really nice way to get in activity and quality time together. Good luck to you!0
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My husband has voiced his worries to me about if I will "leave him" after I lose a bunch of weight. I told him "You met me at 220 lbs. I'm now down to 208, and even once I get to my goal weight I will not leave you. Because you loved me and accepted me the way I was at 220 lbs (and my highest 280) and that means alot to me!" I love this man and whether I'm fat or thin, I'll always love him the same!
^^^^This for me too! My husband often says, "Yeah, you're going to lose all this weight and get even more sexy and go out and find a new younger, hotter boyfriend." I wont tho because I truely do love him. He thought I was sexy and lvoed me at my heaviest and will when I am thinner too.
My husband isnt THAT heavy but, he does have a gut on him. He keeps saying he needs to lose weight and such and knows that his back and his BP would be better if he did but, it hasnt kicked him in the butt yet to do it. AND, we cant force them to. I am hoping to get him in to get a physical soon and maybe that will help but, I dunno. Just hoping my healthier ways and such will help sway him in the right direction.0 -
I get why people are saying "tell your husband not to bring home junk food" but really, she is the one losing weight, not him. That's like commanding him to lose weight too. When you were overweight, did you find you had an easy time NOT buying cookies and chips, even if you knew it was "bad" for you? If it were as easy as "just don't bring it home" then he wouldn't be overweight himself.0
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I am not sure on the reason why it seems as if divorce occurs more so after weight loss...could be that the one who doesn't lose the weight becomes resentful, insecure, and scared. Resentful of the fact that the one who lost weight was no longer content (they. Might turn everything into something it is not...about them) and may feel like they are looking elsewhere. I don't know.
My husband is very supportive of the changes I have made even though he doesn't have much to lose he still goes to the gym with me and gently reminds me when I am resorting back to my old habits. Spouses are supposed to be supportive of one another. Communication is key.
best of luck on your journey and don't let anyone hold you back! You are worth it. It could be that when he sees how great you are feeling and looking he will get on board as well. 0 -
The bonds of commitment, love, loyalty and acceptance has more to do with whether the marriage stays solid and strong than does weight loss. Tell your husband how you feel and how once again you are requesting his support and love by not bringing home food that you struggle around. Regarding his weight and his health issues the same thing. You can explain your feelings of concern but his weight can't be resolved by you, only by him. I assume you love him no matter ? Then nagging about his weight probably isn't a good idea IMO. He'll see how great you look and feel and hopefully will follow with his own improved fitness . Taking long walks and hikes together is a really nice way to get in activity and quality time together. Good luck to you!
Oh yes, I absolutely love him regardless.. He actually lost 25 pounds earlier this year but has stopped exercising and eating better since I started exercising & eating healthier. And in no way would I ever nag him about his weight. Deep down, I'm still that same little girl at the dinner table whose dad yelled at her for eating with her mouth open & then stormed out the door only to return when he announced he & my mother were getting a divorce. Never ever would I nag anyone about food. I have a lot of issues tied up around food & I guess this is just another one of them. LOL0
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