EXTREME weight loss & divorce
Replies
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I get why people are saying "tell your husband not to bring home junk food" but really, she is the one losing weight, not him. That's like commanding him to lose weight too. When you were overweight, did you find you had an easy time NOT buying cookies and chips, even if you knew it was "bad" for you? If it were as easy as "just don't bring it home" then he wouldn't be overweight himself.
Well stated! This is a very interesting point, one that many people fail to take into account. I think sometimes having to go through obstacles and challenges while trying to live a healthy life style prepares one for the world. If you can resist junk food at home, then you are more likely to resist junk food at work, school, church or anywhere. The spouse trying to lose the weight/asking for a change is the one who has to infact, make the change. Once you have the mindset that you want to lose the weight for you and not anyone else, the actions of other and all external influences can be over come.0 -
It's funny that the same scenario occurs with religion. I had a couple of married friends that were 'bar' people. After several years of a seemingly very happy marriage, she 'got religion' and started going to church on a regular basis. The marriage did not last very long after this occurred. I guess any trip in life you're taking together (be it food or religion or whatever), when one person changes course, it's very difficult for the other to deal with...and their natural inclination is to 'bring you back' to them by consciously or subconsciously sabotoging your new path.
I don't think it's always malicious....just a defense mechanism.0 -
I lost 100lbs. during my 3 year separation. He was a cheater, and the both of us were just toxic together. He also didn't like me smaller but that was a very small issue in our marriage. Around the time it was finalized, I had put a slight amt. of weight back on.
My husband now (we met on here, so it helps) supports my running, my healthy lifestyle. He wants me to get as small as I desire to me, and makes the whole process easy. We have our differences, but I truly believe it's VERY difficult to lead a healthy lifestyle with an obese person. Especially if we are emotional eaters.0 -
It's funny that the same scenario occurs with religion. I had a couple of married friends that were 'bar' people. After several years of a seemingly very happy marriage, she 'got religion' and started going to church on a regular basis. The marriage did not last very long after this occurred. I guess any trip in life you're taking together (be it food or religion or whatever), when one person changes course, it's very difficult for the other to deal with...and their natural inclination is to 'bring you back' to them by consciously or subconsciously sabotoging your new path.
I don't think it's always malicious....just a defense mechanism.
Chris Rock said it best here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=qqt97arxBMI#t=77s0 -
I'm lucky...my husband is very supportive and when I started this journey he told me what I did, he would. And he has. He constantly tells me how proud he is and how good I look (he even told me that at me heaviest). When we go out and another man looks at me his comment is usually...."they are jealous cause you are with me...and they can't have you!" He is my biggest cheerleader and pushes me when I get down and want to give up!
/\ This!!!! My husband tries his best to help me achieve my goals. He tells me that I am perfect the way that I am but wants me to be happy. I love him and if he never lost a pound, I will still feel the same about him. Although we rarely work out together, he listens to my needs and always has a word of encouragement. For me, he does not have to always do what I am doing as long as he cheers me on. Losing weight is hard, but it is harder when one does not have a strong support network.0 -
I think it depends on the relationship too. If a couple has all shared interests, spends all their time together and depend on each other, when one decides to take a different path, the other person may feel neglected and left behind if they decide not to join in. Along the same lines, we women especially tend to sacrifice ourselves to our families and so when we decide to take an hour or two a day for ourselves to make improvements, it may be seen as being selfish and/or neglecting your family. Which, by the way, is obviously bull crap. I'm just saying that's how some people may view it.
On the other hand, if the couple has their own interests and are more independent, when one decides to switch gears a little, it's not as big of a deal. This is how it's been in my life thankfully. Hubs is my best friend and we're crazy about each other but both of us are very independent and like to do our own things. He's been supportive since day one although he wasn't interested in joining me with cutting calories and exercising. His only problem with my weight loss is "the girls" going away.
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He was happy that I was doing it the "right way". No pills, surgery, fad diets, or eating disorders. When I was around the 50 lbs lost mark, I started actually WANTING to wear makeup, fitted clothes and do my hair. It was that point that I had to deal with HIS insecurities that I was doing it to attract men or wanna leave him. Which wasn't the case. I felt more confident that I was doing something right for a change and didn't wanna hide behind the "frumpy girl" look. It took a lot of agreeing to disagree conversations referring to the change of my outward appearance for him to realize that I was doing this because I felt better about myself and that I wanted HIM to be proud of me and be proud of the woman he had standing by his side.
I'm not gonna say it was easy, but it was worth it to keep reassuring him that I wasn't on a mission to leave him just because the outward Tiffers changed. I'm still the same girl. Just look a little bit different.
My BF is the same. He's a skinny guy (he's actually at MY goal weight bugger!) but he has always told me how beautiful and sexy I am to him - even when I was at my heaviest. I'm down about 20lbs since we met and he has put on a little pot belly because he loves his snacks. I was the reason he came out of his shell when we started dating and to him I was the first girl in his life who he felt ever 'loved' him. He feels a little bit insecure but I re-assure him every day that when I am smaller I will still love him just as much and I will love to be 'his' babe. He has started talking about getting in shape - and even bought some weights (which I might also use eventually) but so far he hasn't really taken further action but I won't love him any less if he doesn't . I really think that if a couple has good communication and a strong relationship to begin with then one or the other deciding to change a bit.This is the thing & I know I didn't say this before & I probably should have BUT he does NOT even like donuts. He will not eat one for any reason. He used to work at a bakery & has not eaten donuts or anything like that since then & that has been 10 years ago. Okay, I guess I am stirring up more doubts in my mind by starting this post. The kiddos will be gone this evening so I think it's time the hubs & I sat down & talked about all of this.
Just talk to him, tell him how you feel and find out how HE feels. Maybe he is having the same insecurities and just needs a little reassurance.0 -
Well when we and my husband met we were both rail thin. Then we put on 'happy' weight. Now I'm working to get mine off. He is supportive 0
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I never trieed Krispy Kremes in my life... and now I am not going too... hehehe0
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LOL hubby did the same - he's lost 44 lbs in 4 months - pisses me off but makes me proud of him at the same time since I know he's worked super hard for it...(I've only lost 40 but tbh, he did have more to lose!)keep at it, he may decide to follow your lead once you've been on ur path long enuf - for now, definitely ask him not to bring donuts in - especially a dozen! it took my hubby 6 months of me doing well losing weight and getting results before he got on board with losing weight and using mfp... good luck
And ^^^THIS^^^. My hubby took about 9 months to get on board. Then lost 35lbs in 4 months (the stinker). He's proud of my running. . .supports me spending $$ on gear and racing. But he's not too fond of the flattering comments made by some of my male cowokers. But, he knows without question that I wanted to look good for HIM and to make myself happy. Not to get random guys to look at me.0 -
This seems very selfish. You have made the choice to get healthy not him. You need to learn to cope with your surroundings. He can support you in many ways, asking him to join you on your journey isn't always fair.I think many times the marriages end because the thin person now has options. Perhaps they settled when they were heavier. Sad fact, but true sometimes.
I agree with this, as unfortunate as it is. My boyfriend doesn't have a weight problem. Sure, he has a little chub on him, but a lot of that is because he has a hefty build and is 6'2". In other words, he has room for improvement, but he is not overweight. This makes it especially easy for him to bring in my weakness foods because he still eats them (yes, in front of me) on a daily basis. He is content at where he's at but he says he supports me in my goals...He certainly doesn't show it, though! If he truly supported me, he would go out of his way NOT to eat my weakness foods in front of me. It's so frustrating, I'd imagine you can relate. Some men are probably scared that you will leave him once you lose the weight since he is not losing weight and is trying to hinder your results. I don't want to believe that they're intentionally doing those things, but in the back of my head I can't help but think it's intentional.0 -
You create what you fear.
Why worry about it, you are happy now. Lose weight and work on still being happy.0 -
This seems very selfish. You have made the choice to get healthy not him. You need to learn to cope with your surroundings. He can support you in many ways, asking him to join you on your journey isn't always fair.I think many times the marriages end because the thin person now has options. Perhaps they settled when they were heavier. Sad fact, but true sometimes.
I agree with this, as unfortunate as it is. My boyfriend doesn't have a weight problem. Sure, he has a little chub on him, but a lot of that is because he has a hefty build and is 6'2". In other words, he has room for improvement, but he is not overweight. This makes it especially easy for him to bring in my weakness foods because he still eats them (yes, in front of me) on a daily basis. He is content at where he's at but he says he supports me in my goals...He certainly doesn't show it, though! If he truly supported me, he would go out of his way NOT to eat my weakness foods in front of me. It's so frustrating, I'd imagine you can relate. Some men are probably scared that you will leave him once you lose the weight since he is not losing weight and is trying to hinder your results. I don't want to believe that they're intentionally doing those things, but in the back of my head I can't help but think it's intentional.
I never said I asked him to join my journey in that post. I'll admit that I have asked him to start going to the gym with me, but when he said no I didn't make a big deal out of it. I would LOVE it if he did, but I also understand that he really has no need to change his habits since he is at a healthy weight. But, just like you said it's selfish for me to ask him to join my journey, it's just as selfish for him to eat food in front of me that I am trying to avoid. My frustration comes because he eats it in front of me, not because he eats those foods in general. There's other places to eat, like the dining room, where I am not present. Out of sight, out of mind...But when it's right in front of you it's very frustrating.0 -
My fiance and I both struggle with weight. He lost a lot, gained some back and is now working to get back where he was. I met him before he lost weight, fell in love and that's that. I lost a bunch of weight had three children gained some back and am now getting back to where I was 4 years ago. e makes comments that he doesn't look as good as he used to and when I lose more weight he'll lose me. Ha! I've been in love with this man for far to long. Fought way to hard to "Drop" him. There are times where we enable each other and other times where we help each other. Opened communication helps. I tell him 'Please if you see me getting side tracked, tell me". And he does. It helps that he feels involved. Maybe your husband feels left out.0
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congratulations on your marriage he is so lucky to have you. 0
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my husband was NOT supportive of my weight loss. he has never been very active and has no idea about nutrition, but he also is NOT overweight. He says he loved me the way I was and wanted to know WHY I needed to change. 3 months ago, I left him. We are divorcing. We were married for 4.5 years and we had our issues, but him not supporting me in something like losing weight, was a HUGE eye opener!
I hear you. My husband keeps telling me Im beautiful, sexy...he loves me the way I am ect...But he doesnt get it when I CRY to him that IM not happy. Ive tried telling him it isnt about how he feels and that its about how I feel...Been telling him this for years and he still continues to be 100% unsupportive and telling me I dont need to lose weight and stuff...
But certainly not someting I would get a divorce over lol0 -
And to the OP I think many marriages end not because it has anything to do with weight...But perhaps they just were not meant for each other. Ever hear of the 5 yr itch? Sometimes its even 3 months lol. Sometimes people get married then start getting to comfortable with one another then get annoyed with one another...then get divorced.0
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I guess I'm just a little worried because both the hubs & I are very heavy and have had a lot issues in the past that we successfully fought through & made our marriage stronger.
Well, that's a good sign! Too many marriages have ended because couples weren't willing to fight for each other.0 -
I think in some cases, the marriages end because as the person getting healthy starts to raise their self-esteem, they suddenly realize that they don't need to be putting up with what they've been putting up with. Once that confidence is raised and you start respecting yourself, you start to notice more that your partner perhaps doesn't, or isn't treating you well.
This happened to me.
^ So true for some people.0 -
My physician told me that the divorce rate is like 85% higher when one spouse has lost a significant amount of weight.
Here is my perspective being that I am the one on this journey:
My hubby has been with me since I was a Sr. in HS. I've always been the "fat" girl. Even though I was a twirler and in band, weight never bothered me. After the birth of our daughter, a few major sugeries, a personal home problem and the death of my Nana, PawPaw, Daddy, then my Mom all in the course of 2 years I kept ballooning up. Eating was my comfort. And, I seriously didn't think I LOOKED like I did. So, when seeing my "before" pic taken at the waterpark for Christmas (almost 3 yrs ago), I said enough was enough.
He was happy that I was doing it the "right way". No pills, surgery, fad diets, or eating disorders. When I was around the 50 lbs lost mark, I started actually WANTING to wear makeup, fitted clothes and do my hair. It was that point that I had to deal with HIS insecurities that I was doing it to attract men or wanna leave him. Which wasn't the case. I felt more confident that I was doing something right for a change and didn't wanna hide behind the "frumpy girl" look. It took a lot of agreeing to disagree conversations referring to the change of my outward appearance for him to realize that I was doing this because I felt better about myself and that I wanted HIM to be proud of me and be proud of the woman he had standing by his side.
I'm not gonna say it was easy, but it was worth it to keep reassuring him that I wasn't on a mission to leave him just because the outward Tiffers changed. I'm still the same girl. Just look a little bit different.
That's my story and I'm glad to have gotten it off my chest.
~Tiffers
edited to add: my husband has always been between 140-155 lbs.
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My physician told me that the divorce rate is like 85% higher when one spouse has lost a significant amount of weight.
Here is my perspective being that I am the one on this journey:
My hubby has been with me since I was a Sr. in HS. I've always been the "fat" girl. Even though I was a twirler and in band, weight never bothered me. After the birth of our daughter, a few major sugeries, a personal home problem and the death of my Nana, PawPaw, Daddy, then my Mom all in the course of 2 years I kept ballooning up. Eating was my comfort. And, I seriously didn't think I LOOKED like I did. So, when seeing my "before" pic taken at the waterpark for Christmas (almost 3 yrs ago), I said enough was enough.
I could not have said this any better!!! Im going thur the same with my husband!! I have been with this man since I was 14 years old , we have 3 children together and there has been no other man that I could ever feel the way that I feel for him ... my weight lost journey has been on health and building my confidence level up NO WOMAN should be 200 pounds unless you are super tall !!!! I want to maintain a healthy me 1st and for most, and I want to stand beside him as his complement , his stronger half!!! I so understand your battle at first!!! ((((HUGS )))))
He was happy that I was doing it the "right way". No pills, surgery, fad diets, or eating disorders. When I was around the 50 lbs lost mark, I started actually WANTING to wear makeup, fitted clothes and do my hair. It was that point that I had to deal with HIS insecurities that I was doing it to attract men or wanna leave him. Which wasn't the case. I felt more confident that I was doing something right for a change and didn't wanna hide behind the "frumpy girl" look. It took a lot of agreeing to disagree conversations referring to the change of my outward appearance for him to realize that I was doing this because I felt better about myself and that I wanted HIM to be proud of me and be proud of the woman he had standing by his side.
I'm not gonna say it was easy, but it was worth it to keep reassuring him that I wasn't on a mission to leave him just because the outward Tiffers changed. I'm still the same girl. Just look a little bit different.
That's my story and I'm glad to have gotten it off my chest.
~Tiffers
edited to add: my husband has always been between 140-155 lbs.
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[/quote]Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!
My physician told me that the divorce rate is like 85% higher when one spouse has lost a significant amount of weight.
Here is my perspective being that I am the one on this journey:
My hubby has been with me since I was a Sr. in HS. I've always been the "fat" girl. Even though I was a twirler and in band, weight never bothered me. After the birth of our daughter, a few major sugeries, a personal home problem and the death of my Nana, PawPaw, Daddy, then my Mom all in the course of 2 years I kept ballooning up. Eating was my comfort. And, I seriously didn't think I LOOKED like I did. So, when seeing my "before" pic taken at the waterpark for Christmas (almost 3 yrs ago), I said enough was enough.
He was happy that I was doing it the "right way". No pills, surgery, fad diets, or eating disorders. When I was around the 50 lbs lost mark, I started actually WANTING to wear makeup, fitted clothes and do my hair. It was that point that I had to deal with HIS insecurities that I was doing it to attract men or wanna leave him. Which wasn't the case. I felt more confident that I was doing something right for a change and didn't wanna hide behind the "frumpy girl" look. It took a lot of agreeing to disagree conversations referring to the change of my outward appearance for him to realize that I was doing this because I felt better about myself and that I wanted HIM to be proud of me and be proud of the woman he had standing by his side.
I'm not gonna say it was easy, but it was worth it to keep reassuring him that I wasn't on a mission to leave him just because the outward Tiffers changed. I'm still the same girl. Just look a little bit different.
That's my story and I'm glad to have gotten it off my chest.
~Tiffers
edited to add: my husband has always been between 140-155 lbs.0 -
This is just my experience, but I have been somewhat of a chubby chaser all my life. That could be due to my overweightedness, however what I have learned is that fat people have less of a sex drive, and eventually the sexual appeal will lose its value. I cannot quote any research on this, as I have stated, this is just my personal opinion. I believe that because fat people are less flexible, and sex is like yoga in a way, it is a big reason why the sex dies out. The fat people cannot get into various positions, or do different things. If one person gets skinny while the other one is still bigger, eithe male or female, the sex appeal will diminish in part because of this. But typically speaking (there are always exceptions), fitter people enjoy sex more and keep the fire longer. If the fat person cannot "keep up" with the fitter, this will expose many other issues, as the person will search for faults. It is human nature, I believe. Of course, with age, this can all change, as biological interest in sex decreases after a certain age.
I am not a therapist, or any type of professional. This is just what I have seen in my family as well as my personal relationships.
I am editing to say that there are many factors in the way this goes. If the two are intimately connected, the bond will be stronger and the chances are greater that the attraction will have a chance to rebound. On the other hand, if that is not the case, it will be accentuated by the lack of sexual connection.0 -
My husband is a normal weight, while im 200 LBs overweight. I never tried to do anything about my weight til recently (and he never had a problem with my weight the entire relationship), but since losing weight ive noticed he acts bitter and suspicious of me. He's said he thinks im trying to lose weight for someone else, not for myself. I dont get it.0
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Its interesting to hear this discussion because I am in the situation where I believe MyFitnessPal contributed to the divorce. Note I'll say contribute because I'm not stupid enough to believe it was the only reason -- though I will over-simplify it for some people and say "My (soon to be ex) wife lost 80 lbs and lost her mind."
While that's not the only story, it is true that when one side loses a lot of weight their body image changes -- and if the other side is not as supportive (or just feels the same before and after the weight change) -- then that person might find more on MyFitnessPal than just support for the weight loss. And then its like a rock rolling down a hill, gathers more momentum when the first person is set on a new lifestyle (which is really how MyFitnessPal works) while the other person is a little oblivious in the old way.
I don't believe she started down this path in an effort to leave, but we were both a certain way before MFP, and now she's a different way. I will change for different reasons. Now I am changing for the future, exercising twice a day, eating a lot less. I still don't believe in the MFP way of hyper activity logging, and obviously with my own situation I will always look at MFP and weight loss as something that helped create the biggest hurt in my life, but... gotta move on.0 -
I have been married for 15 years.
When my wife and I met we were both obese. We had the fact that we
loved to eat and sit around the house and watch TV
and be sedentary together. I mean, its a common interest, right?
I lost 150 lbs about 11 years into our marriage. My wife did not.
At first she tried and attempted to get more active as I increased my activity, but
she could not keep up. I tried to slow down my pace to keep her involved but she
would just get frustrated.
I am worried because she is now always asking if I still love her and still find
her attractive. WHICH I DO. But, these are new questions and worries she never
had before.
And, I am doing more things without her like jogging and skiing and other things to
keep the weight off and we don't share the same foods anymore because I eat much
healthier than she does.
Sometime I feel if I regained the 150lbs she would be much happier. But, I would not. I did
not try to create a wedge between us but I think I have done just that.0 -
my husband was NOT supportive of my weight loss. he has never been very active and has no idea about nutrition, but he also is NOT overweight. He says he loved me the way I was and wanted to know WHY I needed to change. 3 months ago, I left him. We are divorcing. We were married for 4.5 years and we had our issues, but him not supporting me in something like losing weight, was a HUGE eye opener!
I guess it had nothing to do with the fact that you were cheating on him!!!0 -
I think in some cases, the marriages end because as the person getting healthy starts to raise their self-esteem, they suddenly realize that they don't need to be putting up with what they've been putting up with. Once that confidence is raised and you start respecting yourself, you start to notice more that your partner perhaps doesn't, or isn't treating you well.
This happened to me.
So true, so very true!!!!!0 -
my husband was NOT supportive of my weight loss. he has never been very active and has no idea about nutrition, but he also is NOT overweight. He says he loved me the way I was and wanted to know WHY I needed to change. 3 months ago, I left him. We are divorcing. We were married for 4.5 years and we had our issues, but him not supporting me in something like losing weight, was a HUGE eye opener!
I guess it had nothing to do with the fact that you were cheating on him!!!
Ummm. Awkward0 -
Indeed!!my husband was NOT supportive of my weight loss. he has never been very active and has no idea about nutrition, but he also is NOT overweight. He says he loved me the way I was and wanted to know WHY I needed to change. 3 months ago, I left him. We are divorcing. We were married for 4.5 years and we had our issues, but him not supporting me in something like losing weight, was a HUGE eye opener!
I guess it had nothing to do with the fact that you were cheating on him!!!
Ummm. Awkward
Also I might actually marry somebody for a box of doughnuts right now! omnomnomnom!
I sensed somebody talking about baked goods but beyond that relationship threads...
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