EXTREME weight loss & divorce
Replies
-
My husband was a little worried about this when I started exercising, but to be fair it is because two women on our street lost weight/changed body composition and then immediately cheated on their husbands. It seemed like a bad omen. He got over it fairly quickly after we talked about my reasons, and was very supportive and started making small changes to his diet as well.
As many people have said, weight loss doesn't cause marriage problems, but it can point out the insecurities. And when your spouse is willing to go part of the way with you, it's a beautiful thing.0 -
I would suggest that the weight loss wasn't the root cause of the break but other issues that you choose to ignore because of lack of self confidence before the weight loss.
Also, when one spouse does the work, well another doesn't make the choice, it can cause a strain.
The key is to be open, discuss how you feel with your spouse, and work at it. Marriage doesn't just work, you have to put in the work to make it last.0 -
My experience was just the opposite. We were both thin when we started dating and he actually had medical problems where I had to focus on him gaining and maintaining weight when I prepared meals. I ended up gaining as well but to the point of obesity. I guess his way of motivating me was to call me names and berrate me if I tried to lose weight and cheated at all. I was in college and eating a lot of fast food as well because I was traveling over 80 miles to my University for class just making the problem worse. I found myself hiding to eat and eating what I could when he wasnt around so I could do it in peace. Finally I caught myself doing it and decided to not go on diets so I didnt cheat by eating something I just wanted. Well, he motivated me alright... My new husband loves me just the way I am and supports MY decision to lose weight. Now I include my husband in my walks (short walks to build endurance) and he we discuss our meals. We talk about my calorie intake everyday to assure I am maintaining a healthy diet plan.. the next time we go for a walk maybe I will take my new Masters degree with me just to remind myself I can do anything I set my mind too.. and to gloat just a little...0
-
this does not help any but my wife has joined me on this journey.
0 -
My husband says he'd like to start exercising and things but he hasn't. I love him the way he is, I'd like him to get healthy but I don't want to bug him about it because I don't want him to end up feeling like I'm putting him down or something. He doesn't mind me getting healthy and working out, that I know of. But I also don't deprived myself from anything, I haven't asked him to change for me (like what foods he buys and things). So I may have a turkey hot dog or ground turkey burger while he still eats a regular hot dog and hamburger or if he's craving pizza/donuts, I'll practice portion control or eat something else.
I think, sometimes, the other partner feels left behind, not good enough, etc. And they blame the other person and start treating them different. Or on the other hand, the person getting fit starts feeling better about themselves and starts liking the attention from other people and things get out of hand. I'm just guessing on here though.0 -
My husband has a tendency to sabotage at times. He's still a huge lover of junk food, and while I can say no to most of it, I still get tempted by some things. I've made it a point to tell him when I'm trying to avoid a food, though, because most of the time he will respect my desires and not bring it in the house.
But, he's reacted well to my changing the family's diet to something a little healthier. He doesn't mind eating healthy meals, he just doesn't want to give up his junk either. Or exercise. But he's lost 40 pounds just by changing his diet. He still has another 20 to go, but without counting his calories or exercising, I don't see him losing it. But I am extremely proud for what he has lost. Now, when I have this baby, I'm hoping he will be more of a help and not a hindrance to my losing.0 -
There's a relationship blog I read on occasion called the "Married Man Sex Life". There's a lot to his thinking, and it makes some sense if you can get your mind around it, but this summary is probably going to sound a bit shallow. His overriding theory is that people generally end up with someone around the same level of attractiveness as themselves. I.e. A guy that's a 7 is going to end up with a woman that's a 7.
When one half of a relationship starts losing weight/working out/getting healthier, their "rank" goes up which throws the relationship somewhat out of balance. If the 7 wife starts working out and turns herself into a 9 she's gained power in the relationship and thrown it out of balance. The man's choice is to fight her changes and bring her back to his level (probably counter productive), start working on himself and improve his level too, or fight human nature and hope that things will work out.
I can't recommend his thoughts enough, its a pretty decent part of the reason I'm on this site now.0 -
My husband has voiced his worries to me about if I will "leave him" after I lose a bunch of weight. I told him "You met me at 220 lbs. I'm now down to 208, and even once I get to my goal weight I will not leave you. Because you loved me and accepted me the way I was at 220 lbs (and my highest 280) and that means alot to me!" I love this man and whether I'm fat or thin, I'll always love him the same!
Sounds like you two have some good communication going on! I think that if you can communicate that well, you can avoid a lot of problems, weightloss related and otherwise.0 -
Have your spouses/partners/significant others gotten on board with your loss? Or are they like mine, content to sit around & bring in "your weakness"?
My husband is very supportive. He himself has lost ten pounds in the last two months that I've been on MFP! He enjoys the healthier meals I'm making at home, and when our schedules allow, he comes to the gym with me.
If your husband wants to eat a donut, he should buy a donut. Not a dozen. He brought home a dozen because he wanted YOU to eat a donut, and that's a red flag to me. I'd bring it up, not in an accusatory way, but rather in a way that he can feel like it's important to you that he's with you on this... even if he doesn't want it for himself.
If he's trying to sabotage your efforts, it's probably out of fear. Do what you can to calm his fears, and he will probably change his tune. If he doesn't, you've got to ask yourself if he's worried for no reason, or if he's worried with good reason. In other words, does he treat you well otherwise? Would you stay with him if you got to your goal weight?0 -
My physician told me that the divorce rate is like 85% higher when one spouse has lost a significant amount of weight.
Here is my perspective being that I am the one on this journey:
My hubby has been with me since I was a Sr. in HS. I've always been the "fat" girl. Even though I was a twirler and in band, weight never bothered me. After the birth of our daughter, a few major sugeries, a personal home problem and the death of my Nana, PawPaw, Daddy, then my Mom all in the course of 2 years I kept ballooning up. Eating was my comfort. And, I seriously didn't think I LOOKED like I did. So, when seeing my "before" pic taken at the waterpark for Christmas (almost 3 yrs ago), I said enough was enough.
He was happy that I was doing it the "right way". No pills, surgery, fad diets, or eating disorders. When I was around the 50 lbs lost mark, I started actually WANTING to wear makeup, fitted clothes and do my hair. It was that point that I had to deal with HIS insecurities that I was doing it to attract men or wanna leave him. Which wasn't the case. I felt more confident that I was doing something right for a change and didn't wanna hide behind the "frumpy girl" look. It took a lot of agreeing to disagree conversations referring to the change of my outward appearance for him to realize that I was doing this because I felt better about myself and that I wanted HIM to be proud of me and be proud of the woman he had standing by his side.
I'm not gonna say it was easy, but it was worth it to keep reassuring him that I wasn't on a mission to leave him just because the outward Tiffers changed. I'm still the same girl. Just look a little bit different.
That's my story and I'm glad to have gotten it off my chest.
~Tiffers
edited to add: my husband has always been between 140-155 lbs.0 -
If your husband wants to eat a donut, he should buy a donut. Not a dozen. He brought home a dozen because he wanted YOU to eat a donut, and that's a red flag to me. I'd bring it up, not in an accusatory way, but rather in a way that he can feel like it's important to you that he's with you on this... even if he doesn't want it for himself.
If he's trying to sabotage your efforts, it's probably out of fear. Do what you can to calm his fears, and he will probably change his tune. If he doesn't, you've got to ask yourself if he's worried for no reason, or if he's worried with good reason. In other words, does he treat you well otherwise? Would you stay with him if you got to your goal weight?
This is the thing & I know I didn't say this before & I probably should have BUT he does NOT even like donuts. He will not eat one for any reason. He used to work at a bakery & has not eaten donuts or anything like that since then & that has been 10 years ago. Okay, I guess I am stirring up more doubts in my mind by starting this post. The kiddos will be gone this evening so I think it's time the hubs & I sat down & talked about all of this.0 -
I get why people are saying "tell your husband not to bring home junk food" but really, she is the one losing weight, not him. That's like commanding him to lose weight too. When you were overweight, did you find you had an easy time NOT buying cookies and chips, even if you knew it was "bad" for you? If it were as easy as "just don't bring it home" then he wouldn't be overweight himself.
Depends on how you say it though. My hubby likes sweets, and he's thin. I told him which foods were too much of a temptation for me and asked that he not bring those home. SO - he has them at work, or hides the package out of my sight and doesn't eat it in front of me. He understands why I asked, he still gets to have what he wants - we're good.0 -
My husband supported my goal to lose weight, but I never pushed him to follow my lifestyle. Since I do all the cooking, he became more open to eating healthier foods in smaller quantities. Before he knew it he lost 60 pounds without stepping foot in a gym! When I started biking, he wanted to bike too which wasn't an easy task (he never learned how to ride a bike as a kid, so we got him adult lessons and he is doing great). He would go on walks with me and started running when i got into it. Now I am encouraging him to start weight training. I never thought weight loss and healthy living would bring us closer together - but it did :-)0
-
This is the thing & I know I didn't say this before & I probably should have BUT he does NOT even like donuts. He will not eat one for any reason. He used to work at a bakery & has not eaten donuts or anything like that since then & that has been 10 years ago. Okay, I guess I am stirring up more doubts in my mind by starting this post. The kiddos will be gone this evening so I think it's time the hubs & I sat down & talked about all of this.
I still think it's insecurity and fear that drives a partner to do stuff like this. Change is hard to accept sometimes, when you're not the one doing the changing. Talk to him.0 -
Eating healthy is contagious as is eating unhealthy. When a couple works together the odds are much higher they will succeed no matter what it is they are doing. Often when one makes healthy changes the other will follow when they see results. It's far easier as are most things when married if you do it together. Sometimes it doesn't work that way and like anything else where you don't agree it can cause problems.0
-
My parents are getting divorced after being married 33 years. There were always underlying problems, but it was my mom deciding to get healthy that drove the nail in the coffin. When one partner makes a drastic lifestyle change like that, it brings out all the other issues - for example, no matter how many times my mom asked my dad to not bring candy in the house, he still did. There was no respect, communication, or compromise on that issue, or many, many others. So no, I don't think people get divorced because one person gets skinny, I just think a lot gets revealed during the weight loss process that either strengthens or destroys a marriage.0
-
Food and overeating are often a means of emotional coping and masking feelings. Once the food and overeating are no longer obscuring facts, the obvious becomes glaring. This isn't the case for all -- but it certainly isn't infrequent. Just sayin...0
-
My wife and I have decided to change OUR lifestyle together. It wasn't just a "I'm tired of being unhealthy" it's a "we deserve a better life together" thing. She'll comment about how she's worried that I'll leave her when I get all hot and skinny.
With both of us having changed our bodies, we've only grown closer through the change in our lifestyle.
I guess, the way I look at it is this: if there are issues with a marriage, it doesn't matter what shape either of you are in.. the issues are still going to be there. The only thing I could recommend is some sort of counseling.0 -
There are a lot of possibilities, but a few of them are
(1) Thin/fit person now has more (or different) options and is attracted to other people. Harsh, but true.
(2) Thin/fit person now has vastly different interests and life goals, and wants someone who is willing to share them.
(3) Content overweight person loses attraction, maybe the one who didn't change doesn't like the changes in his/her partner.0 -
I think many times the marriages end because the thin person now has options. Perhaps they settled when they were heavier. Sad fact, but true sometimes.
I agree with this, as unfortunate as it is. My boyfriend doesn't have a weight problem. Sure, he has a little chub on him, but a lot of that is because he has a hefty build and is 6'2". In other words, he has room for improvement, but he is not overweight. This makes it especially easy for him to bring in my weakness foods because he still eats them (yes, in front of me) on a daily basis. He is content at where he's at but he says he supports me in my goals...He certainly doesn't show it, though! If he truly supported me, he would go out of his way NOT to eat my weakness foods in front of me. It's so frustrating, I'd imagine you can relate. Some men are probably scared that you will leave him once you lose the weight since he is not losing weight and is trying to hinder your results. I don't want to believe that they're intentionally doing those things, but in the back of my head I can't help but think it's intentional.0 -
completely agree.As many people have said, weight loss doesn't cause marriage problems, but it can point out the insecurities. And when your spouse is willing to go part of the way with you, it's a beautiful thing.0 -
I'm lucky...my husband is very supportive and when I started this journey he told me what I did, he would. And he has. He constantly tells me how proud he is and how good I look (he even told me that at me heaviest). When we go out and another man looks at me his comment is usually...."they are jealous cause you are with me...and they can't have you!" He is my biggest cheerleader and pushes me when I get down and want to give up!0
-
I think resentment can build if your spouse doesn't support you. I started this journey with my DH because we were both having health issues. now a year and half later my journey continues and his health is worse than ever. It's hard not to resent that. I want him to live and I take care of myself, but have to watch him killing himself with a fork. So I guess I don't think its the weight loss itself that causes the problem, but the if the journey changes one person and not the other, then things can fall apart.0
-
I'm not sure why the marriage ends... I love my husband not matter what size he is, his weight doesn't change how I feel about the person. Now if he get to big he might not be able to get no more of this loving. I have always eaten pretty healthy for the most part. I do have a sweet tooth. Since I do all the cooking and shopping I try to limit the things that aren't good for my healthy eating. I have children so I don't put restrictions on them. I bake cakes, cookies, brownies etc. My son wants a peach cobbler this weekend and I will make it for him but will reframe from eating it. My husband isn't a sweets person so he says. He will have the occassional pie. His biggest issue is he loves food, loves going out to eat and loves his beer and dark liquor. He has begun exercising but if you exercise and have a cold beer afterward, what's the point. I want him healthy to see how kids grow and be men something I can't teach them how to be. DM and Htn runs in his family. He has a beer belly already and that is a sure sign of htn. He was at the doctors recently and doesn't have anything at this point but they did recommend he lose weight.0
-
Changing your eating habits in many ways means changing your life and the way you think, so it's not surprising that divorce can be one of the consequences.
My husband could stand to lose a few pounds and tone up his belly, but he isn't interested. He feels he's earned that big belly, almost like it's a rite of passage. Now that I want to lose 50 pounds and tone up my middle-age slipping toward elderly body, I can see that there's going to be an ever-widening chasm between us. I already have to get up and go do something else when he's snacking and I'm tempted.0 -
Wow! There are some really fantastic posts on here! It really opened my eyes to why my marriage ended three years ago! We had issues from the get go (no weight issues for either of us), but I tried my best to see past them and work on things for our two small sons. After a rough go of our youngest being born early & the stressful years dealing with that my weight had ballooned. I was feeling terrible about myself and the marriage in general. I lost 90 lbs in about a year and my ex was not very supportive. He became even more withdrawn (if that was even possible at that point). I don't think the weight loss ultimately ended the union, but I was much more confident and it helped me move on and know I could do things on my own just fine. We are still good friends but the marriage was just not a fit for either of us! Best of luck to you ~
0 -
It's funny this topic came up because I was just wondering why in many cases break up or divorce leads people to lose weight. Why don't we get healthy and do things to better ourselves while in our relationships? I am so lucky I have the BEST husband in the world! He has been nothing but happy and supportive of me. He brags about the miles I run and I'm sure he loves the confidence I have with a better body. Me becoming a better person and doing things for myself now and then (taking off on an hour run or lifting weights) has actually made us both happier. Maybe a good old fashioned heart to heart is in order for you two!0
-
Maybe the things that the couple once had in common changes. If you make fitness and healthy living a priority, and he (or she) still sits on the couch inhaling bags of chips, there's a severe miss-match.
There's a good chance that the spouse can change their way of thinking though!!
I've been at this for 2 months, and my hubby is the sit-on-the-couch-inhaling-chips guy. BUT yesterday, he did 35 minutes on the treadmill under his own free will lol .. He plans to do it again for the rest of the weekend. I'm stoked!!0 -
A marriage will be successful if both partners continue to learn, grow and bring something fruitful to the relationship or else it becomes stagnant. One person may decide to change, lose weight, go back to school , or in any new way begin to change themselves for the better, in anyway that is of a positive benefit to themselves.
At that point, they may still love their partner but desire them to get on board, its easier and more fun that way. But sadly, that other person still likes the status quo , maybe is very content, and thus doesnt want to change.
Thats when the trouble begins...
The new and improved person will feel their light bulb moment to change is being threatened even thwarted by their partner, feel frustrated and eventually resentful at being left to do this on their own in other words alone. They will begin to seek out like minded people, first mainly as friends, but then perhaps as they feel more confident and desirable themselves and energized from all their new life affirming choices and activities, they become discontent and seek/desire a new more compatible healthy, fit and active partner to grow, learn and explore all the wonderful new experiences and adventures life has to offer, not sit at home every single night watching tv and stuffing your face till you fall into a foodie comma.
I dont even think it has so much to do with falling out of love with your current partner or wanting to leave them, you obviously originally love them and care or else youd never of asked them to join you in your big change in the first place, heck you might of even stayed if that person was showing interest in getting/being/staying involved but they dont participate in the relationship where you want it to go, either individually and as a couple, so you end up in two entirely different places and from what I have seen, change albeit for the better over all, brings more change with it.
Good Luck.0 -
Weight loss and relationships. I have struggled with my relationship ever since I began my journey. My fiance says that sometimes he doesn't recognize who I am. When he says that he means he never knew I could have intrests outside of beer drinking, late night pizza eating, and two stepping. I have become a Zumba fanatic, training for my first 5k, I cook healthy and shop healthy and who knew I wanted to make this a career option when I reach goal. He supports me 100%.
However, on the flip side and here is some support for the non losing weight side. I have been guilty of trying to push my fiance into losing weight with me (he has about 25lbs to lost) And he is just not into it. Nothing about nutrition or excercise interests him. I have to remember that just because I am all about this doesnt mean that he has to be all about it too.
What matters is his support of my choices. And respect the fact that just because he is drinking and eating pizza doesn't mean that I have to choose that. 0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 427 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions