are all men the same?!!

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  • Jenny_Taylia
    Jenny_Taylia Posts: 540 Member
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    Ok heres my thoughts.

    Im married, 4 very young kids and Im at home with them all the time. 100% stay at home mom.
    Hubby worls and he works hard. When he comes home..yes the first thing he wants to do is lay on the couch and chillax for a while and Im ok with that. he works his butt off all week to support this family. Working exhausting ridiculous hours.
    Sure I get a bit sad when I cant spend all my time with him but I understand he needs a break once in a while too or else the stress will build up so much and could potentially affect his job. Now if he were gone literally 24/7 when he wasnt working then Id be concerned..ummm why are you not here with your family? I would ask.


    And if you are already having second thoughts about getting married then dont get married because a divorce is far more expensive than the marriage itself!!!

    Another thing...when you choose to discuss this with him...dont start confronting him about it as soon as he walks in the door or he will just leave again or start not enjoying being around you at all. and choose your words wisely. Use alot of "I feel" sentances and....let him talk. Listen to what he says...try not to make it into a fight if you dont start freaking out.
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 13,122 Member
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    let me guess all the guys reading this think im a nagging b***h now right?
    Nagging? I don't know of anyone (female or male) who start off intending to nag but it happens. I would say that you seem like you are focused on your needs. Clear communications can be tough, especially once the defenses are up.

    Instead of laying your wants, needs and expectations on him, how about turning the situation upside-down? Try asking him about his wants, needs and expectations. Don't make it into a confrontation, rather approach him in a loving way... explain that you want to make the relationship more fulfilling for both of you... show compassion and consideration for him and see what he has to say. Listen to his answers and don't judge or criticize...
  • shaleasymphony
    shaleasymphony Posts: 172 Member
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    haha this was actually a serious question

    this is just my personal opinion your question is why i dont believe people should get married in their 20's. men and women need to get all their games out of their system before settling down. your fiance dont want to be at home doing family stuff while all his friends are out bar hopping picking up chicks and doing whatever else and i'm sure you dont want to be doing the same either but since there is a child involved someone has to be the responsible party...


    maybe you two need to work out a schedule so he can go out sometimes and you can go out sometimes.

    i got married 4 days after i turned 18. we've been married almost 4 years now and have a beautiful 3 yr old daughter named Phoenix. we are perfectly happy with each other and wouldn't change anything about our relationship.

    i don't think age is the issue as much as it is maturity level and his readiness. when He is serious about settling down and taking his responibilities in the family and the relationship, then you will see he will start to choose you over his friends.

    and a suggestion, maybe plan it so every 3rd saturday night is his time to hang with the friends and maybe every 2nd saturday be dedicated to you and/or the kids. hope it works out!
  • kmhenry84
    kmhenry84 Posts: 96 Member
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    Here's the thing.. Please don't be defesive in reading this..

    Its very easy to see things from your own point of view, but its harder to put on his shoes to see how things look from his perspective.

    You said 1 - he's out of town during the week, and only gets to enjoy weekends at home and 2 - you've tried to reason with him before on trying to spend more time with you when he's home.

    So, I assume that while he is gone out of town at work, he spends time texting/talking/emailing you. I doubt seriously that he does that with his friends as much as he does with you during the week.

    So here's this guy who feels like he works hard during the week, away from everyone that he cares about, so when he comes home, he probably feels that he deserves to be able to relax, kick back, and enjoy himself after a hard work week... and rightfully so, as do you.

    So enter the 2nd part of this equation.. you said that you had tried to talk to him about wanting to be 'first' in his life. I'm asking you to ask yourself this, not to answer to me specifically, but to yourself...be honest with yourself...
    Was the converstaion, a calm unheated discussion about how you feel about not spending the time you want... or was it an accusatory, "you care more about your friends than you do about me." Men... no... people in general do not respond well to anything accusatory. A good way to say this (in a calm way when you're both in a good state of mind) is, "I'm so glad that you are willing to work hard during the week to support your family; you're a great man for that. I love you and love so many things about you, and I miss you while you're gone, and was wondering if you could schedule some family time during your home time."

    So.. still thinking in his shoes... he works during the week... wants to relax... so.. if you're on him about spending time with him, he isn't going to want to be in a stressful situation. He wants to enjoy his time... does he want to be with someone that he feels is nagging... or with his friends that he can cut up with... that he doesn't spend his time texting/calling emailing during the week.

    Rest assured, i'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid, I get it... But you know the term 'you catch more flies with honey' ??
    Give him a little breathing room and acknowledge that he's working hard during the week.

    There's this cycle in relationships.. men don't feel that their women respect them, so they don't show that they love them as much... women don't feel that the men show them they love them, so they don't show them the respect. Stop the cycle, and I'm sure your situation will change. ;-)
  • jerbear1962
    jerbear1962 Posts: 1,157 Member
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    Not all guys are the same, sure I enjoy my time with my friends but I really enjoy time with my wife. I never plan anything before checking with her and including her as much as possible.
  • Heather_Rider
    Heather_Rider Posts: 1,159 Member
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    so im having a hard time with my ole man right now.. just dont know what to do.. he seems to think that spending time with his friends is more important than spending time with me and the kids.. your not single anymore your engaged for crying out loud!! this is getting old fast and to be honest its kinda making me re think getting married. cause i sure as hell am not putting up with this for the rest of my life. i will not be put 2nd!! i know that sounds bad... :( am i going to far with this? am i in the wrong/ what would you do?

    Listen.. no matter WHAT is going on.. if you are second guessing getting married, by all means DONT GET MARRIED!! geezus you have your whole life to get married! Why people think there is a damn timeline on marrage is beyond me!!


    Now, that said.. You should never be second.. BUT.. life aint a damn fairy tale. you will be second to his mother on her birthday... you will be second to your daughter on her graduation.. you wil be second to his own birthday.. you will be second on MANY occasions.. he is a man, and that is that. Deal with it. they dont think like we do.

    Learn to live with it, or learn to live without him. Simple as that. Ive been married 8 years and we are HAPPY because #1, we dont bull**** each other with drama & crap and #2. i put up with A LOT of crap. NO, he does not go out with friends. he works, he comes home, he eats, he sleeps. repeat. its married life.. he can deal with it or frick off. *I* cook, clean, do laundry, care for kids, have sex.. its MARRIAGE.

    YES we still have amazing moments, we still make time, we still laugh, we still are MADLY in love, but the "life" routine is simple.. cook, eat, kids, work, cook, clean, kids, sex, repeat.

    I dont know why people analyze so much!! Its not that hard.. just stop thinking you are OWED something and start GIVING to your partner more..

    If YOU give as much as you want given to you.. things might start looking up! (thats an in general comment.. not for you.)
    its hard to give when hes never here

    well then if he aint never there for you to even give to him.. leave his sorry *kitten*.. wtf do you want? a robot? Geezus!!
  • kmhenry84
    kmhenry84 Posts: 96 Member
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    I went through this with my now ex -husband, and it was the breaking point for me. He would come home from work and just sit there in front of the tv and even fall asleep. He would grump at the kids if they were trying to talk with him, but then if a friend called and needed something, boom... he was not tired and he had to leave. I tried to discuss it, and he just said he would try to not do that anymore, but by the next day it was all forgotten again. I got sick of coming in 2nd and 3rd, but not just for me, but our kids who really wanted to spend time with him. It never really got through to him still. He is still not even spending time with his kids, because now he lives 200 miles away and can't afford to visit. We have been divorced for almost 3 years now, after being together for 12 years before.
    exactly. and im so sorry things didnt work out for you! :( im going to sit down and have a long talk with him tonight (when he decides to come home) and see what hes got to say about it all

    Wait till the morning when he's sober and you're calmer. One night won't make a difference ;-)
  • Heather_Rider
    Heather_Rider Posts: 1,159 Member
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    let me guess all the guys reading this think im a nagging b***h now right?
    Nagging? I don't know of anyone (female or male) who start off intending to nag but it happens. I would say that you seem like you are focused on your needs. Clear communications can be tough, especially once the defenses are up.

    Instead of laying your wants, needs and expectations on him, how about turning the situation upside-down? Try asking him about his wants, needs and expectations. Don't make it into a confrontation, rather approach him in a loving way... explain that you want to make the relationship more fulfilling for both of you... show compassion and consideration for him and see what he has to say. Listen to his answers and don't judge or criticize...

    have yet to know a man who responds to "how do you feel honey" with more than a grunt, an orgasm and the need for a sammich.. :laugh:

    Okay, not really, but men are not "feelings talkers"

    what is the big deal with working men who come home every damn night of the week, going out once in awhile?? I dont get it? Mine chooses not to, mainly due to money, but he used to and that was OKAY! Damn women are so insecure these days!! You know, if you chose a man who didnt cheat, was honest and you went into a marriage KNOWING these things/. there wouldnt be an issue here.. TRUST is key.. damn shame so many relationships dont have it!!!
  • DaphneAtx
    DaphneAtx Posts: 153
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    I feel for you. A lot of good advice here though. The best advice is about NOT starting an argument. I'd even say that to him when you start, "I do NOT want to argue with you, but you should know how I feel and then I would like to know how you feel." That sets the stage for a calm and honest discussion about both of your needs. He definitely sounds like hes not ready to settle down. Has he been like this the whole time you've been together or is this recent? I'm sure you feel just like a single mom and that's wrong.


    To Peter Pan - Miss Priss busted you cold and I'm sure she's too smart to want to start an insult war with you. SMH.
  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
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    well i mean its kinda commen since.. once your together for years and get engaged... your gonna have spend time together to make it work.. right?

    You are setting your self up for disappointment. I hope you are not another statistic of someone getting married just cause the kids and ending up getting divorced a couple of years later cause it doesn't work out between the parents.

    I know it seems like the logical next step but if everyone is not on board then you are just setting yourself up.
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 13,122 Member
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    have yet to know a man who responds to "how do you feel honey" with more than a grunt, an orgasm and the need for a sammich.. :laugh:

    Okay, not really, but men are not "feelings talkers"

    what is the big deal with working men who come home every damn night of the week, going out once in awhile?? I dont get it? Mine chooses not to, mainly due to money, but he used to and that was OKAY! Damn women are so insecure these days!! You know, if you chose a man who didnt cheat, was honest and you went into a marriage KNOWING these things/. there wouldnt be an issue here.. TRUST is key.. damn shame so many relationships dont have it!!!
    I hear you. Without trust, there is no relationship... just an arrangement...

    The OP doesn't see herself as nagging but I didn't see any mention in her posts of what her old man had to say about anything... so I'm guessing he doesn't get a word in edgewise... not even a chance to ask for a sammich. I figured if I could trick her into letting him talk, at least he might get a sammich.
  • Jenny_Taylia
    Jenny_Taylia Posts: 540 Member
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    Or you can stand there naked holding a bacon burger and a beer when he gets home.
  • TheFunBun
    TheFunBun Posts: 793 Member
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    I find that I am very glad I am not married to a lot of these answering posters.
    No, they're not all the same.
  • Minnesota_Nice
    Minnesota_Nice Posts: 414 Member
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    Cut his wanker off with a pair of dull scissors.....
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 13,122 Member
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    Or you can stand there naked holding a bacon burger and a beer when he gets home.
    I like the way you think!
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 13,122 Member
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    Cut his wanker off with a pair of dull scissors.....
    You... not so much...
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
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    let me guess all the guys reading this think im a nagging b***h now right?

    i do
    ya and u must be single right?

    you think i'm single??? looking the way i do?? shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit i got to beat them off with a stick.
  • CassiusKnox
    CassiusKnox Posts: 305 Member
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    Cut his wanker off with a pair of dull scissors.....
  • xxxray
    xxxray Posts: 301 Member
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    If it bothers you enough to come on here and ask the question then it's a pretty serious matter. I haven't read all the responses so forgive me if I'm repeating what anyone else has said but I think this doesn't sound good. If he's changed his behaviour to spending less time with you and the children then I don't think he'll voluntarily be changing back to how it was. Being forced to change back wont work either in the long term. If after 5 days away he just wants to go out and let his hair down it sounds like he doesn't want family life and, what is worse to my mind, he doesn't seem to want to make himself available to the children to allow you a break and to let your hair down. It seems very selfish if nothing else. I wish there was something positive I could say to you about this but ...
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    Firstly I don't have to tell you not all men are the same. That's a rather insulting question to begin with.

    And you do need to give him some breathing room. The more space and less nagging he finds himself confronted with, the more time you may find him wanting to spend with you.
    In the meantime find some friends and enjoy your life. You can't sit around waiting on him and nagging.


    I'm in a long distance relationship and have been for three years. It's so easy to get into the nagging and not respecting thing as mentioned above.
    And when I found myself doing that, I started hanging out with my friends more and spent less time sitting around and worrying what he was or was not doing with his time.
    When you are married, you can't expect him to sit at home every night. Just because you get married and have a family does not mean you cannot have a social life.
    You need a good work/life balance.

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