Any Thoughts before I Kill Her!
Don't worry I don't plan on killing my 14 yr old anytime soon! I just need some advice, My daughter is the only child and since I grew up with siblings it's hard to relate with her at times.
The problem is this I work 2 jobs and when I come home to a house that looks a mess I get upset. Then I have to hear her complain that she feels like a slave if i ask her to straighten up. When I was growing up it was more then just me so I always had help with chores, I don't want everything to be on her but something has to give any advice out there?
The problem is this I work 2 jobs and when I come home to a house that looks a mess I get upset. Then I have to hear her complain that she feels like a slave if i ask her to straighten up. When I was growing up it was more then just me so I always had help with chores, I don't want everything to be on her but something has to give any advice out there?
0
Replies
-
i predict this post will be locked by page 6...0 -
0 -
My parents gave us spending money directly proportional to our chores. They literally had a sheet with a price listed for every chore and we both had to sign off on every chore I completed then I could draw against the chore sheet whenever I wanted money. So sometimes I'd go to the huge market with my parents owing me like £50 and be so happy, other times I only had a quid and I felt rotten so helped out more. Whenever I complained they told me to get a job if I thought they were being unfair. The only job I could get was a paperround up hills that only just don't qualify as mountains, and in the winter several of us started getting followed, and I had to wake up super early on a Saturday...I went back to the chore list and never complained about it again. my parents got help, I learned responsability and got spending money.0
-
She's 14. She's going to complain when you ask her to help out. It's the way of the world. But she still needs to do it.
Just take a deep breath and remind yourself that your priorities are not hers, but you are the mom and yours matter more. :-) And maybe sit down with her and lay out all the time you spend working and explain calmly that you are a team and you need her help sometimes.
She'll take it well or she won't, but again, she's 14 so there's only so much you can do about attitude.0 -
Work together this weekend to get the house in good condition. Then, she is required to pick up after herself. That's not a slave, that's being responsible. Then, come up with a certain amount of chores that are her responsibility. Maybe make a chart. Stuff you're responsible for, she's responsible for and stuff you'll work on together. Then she'll see she doesn't do ALL the work. Hopefully that will help.0
-
We always had chores when I was growing up. There was just me and my brother, and maybe my parents didn't "need" our help. But we were taught that contributing was part of being a family. Everyone has a job that makes things run more smoothly for the family, that's just the way it was. Chores were age appropriate and we had plenty of time left over for just being kids
0 -
Why not make a chore list and you and her can share the chores? Let her know the mess SHE makes, she cleans. Can't put it all on her to do it all. I understand you work, but she is a kid and needs to do what kids do.0
-
give her specific chores, and a scheduel to get them done. (ie monday=trash out, tues=laundy, wed=vacuum) one or two chores a day is a lot easier and managable than "clean the house"
Oh and a good swift kick in the butt if she complains. My mom had a no whining rule in our house, if we complained about chores we got more chores and/or lost our allowance...we didn't complain much0 -
Murder is never the answer.
With that said, we clean the house as a family on Sunday.
After that, there is a very simple rule:
If you mess it up, you clean it up.
This was not popular until I started to throw away the "mess".
Shoes, toys, dishes. I came in with the big garbage can from outside and every mess went in the trash.
Things got better from there.0 -
Why should it all be on you? I was an only child too and my mom worked her *kitten* off and I helped as much as I could as well as having my own job and school. She needs to buck up and lean responsibility!0
-
I just tell my kids that they have to earn their keep. Everyone in my house does something to help, even my 2 year old. If they don't want to help they don't have to but then they don't get TV or snacks or fun stuff. They just get the basics. Their choice. They are not my slaves but I will not be their slave either. Good luck.
And yes, stuff that gets left around will get tossed. Works for my daughter. Not so much for my son - he helps me throw out his stuff. LOL0 -
While I don't have a teenager yet, I do have a 5 year old that I am trying to teach responsiblity. I would suggest making a chore chart for her. Try not to giveher too much, but some basic duties like dusting, vacuuming and keeping her room clean would be a good start. Have a rewards system in place. My son earns points for doing his homework, cleaning his room, and helping Mom. Those points add up to a trip to Chuck E Cheese, or something like that. For your daughter maybe it can be a small allowance or a trip to the movies.
I'm not sure if you're a single mother, but I am and I know I can use all the help I can get, even if it comes from my 5 year old. I found the rewards system really helped with his attitude towards helping me. Good luck!0 -
oh and if she isn't cleaning up after herself my parents had a "friday box" Anything we left out at the end of the day went in the box and we didn't get it back until friday. Only thing we could retrieve from the box early was homework0
-
I have no children so I really can't tell you anything from a parent's point of view. However, I remember when I was younger what would tick me off the worse was that I was "expected" to do things just because they needed to be done. I used to babysit my brother. So I was expected to make sure that the house was straightened up, that the dishes were done and that the laundry was done.
While it makes sense that if you're home (summy holiday), and that both your parents are working and away from the house that you would take it upon yourself to do these things. The fact that it became and expectation drove me insane.
My suggestion, is that instead of expecting your daughter to do these things. Ask her to help you do them. I know that you're tired after a long day at work. But believe me if you start doing the dishes and ask her to come help you she'll be more responsive then if you tell her to go do the dishes.
Teenagers like to be needed, but they don't like to be "told" what to do. :-)
Hope this helps0 -
Unfortunately this is that age, and unless its been the norm she will likely give you attitude.
As soon as we were tall enough to reach (9-10), I did my own laundry and had a chore schedule I did daily.
My only suggestion is take things away from her or change your wifi password and she only gets internet until she is done haha0 -
I think you have to be realistic in your expectations of your daughter. If the house is a mess then chances are both of you generated the mess. I am a single parent with a daughter and you can not expect her to do everything around the house. Specific chores yes but not all of them. I have a cleaning lady every other week. Well worth it and before we hit the bed at night we clean the house up so that it isn't a total disaster. give her specific chores that she earns cash on and if they are done she is paid if not there is retaliation for it. Ie shut off the house internet or her cell. She will change her toon0
-
I agree with the previous posters too, my kids are 2 and almost 4, they help clean, my older even wipes the table off and sometimes rinses dishes. Of course 4 is different than 14, but at 14 she needs to be learning responsibility. I was basically on my own because of my mom working so much at 14-15. I had my own job as soon as i turned 15 plus cooked for myself and cleaned the apartment. I did this because I wanted to help her because it shouldn't all be on her. She did enough.0
-
I have a 15 year old that does not like to do anything either---But I do take away his computer and then he will clean his room....and he does act like he feels bad when I actually take the trash out.:noway:0
-
She's 14. She's going to complain when you ask her to help out. It's the way of the world. But she still needs to do it.
Just take a deep breath and remind yourself that your priorities are not hers, but you are the mom and yours matter more. :-) And maybe sit down with her and lay out all the time you spend working and explain calmly that you are a team and you need her help sometimes.
She'll take it well or she won't, but again, she's 14 so there's only so much you can do about attitude.
^^this......and I always remember what Judge Judy says to teens....Until you are out of your parents house AND supporting yourself they own everything including the air you breathe.
This too shall pass, provided you both live through it. lol0 -
Here's what my foster mom did, worked like a charm too. I got an allowance every week. However; if I left my things sitting out, or left a mess, she would deduct $1 from my allowance. So I would end up owing HER money if I wasn't careful. I also had to do my set chore to get this allowance, it was different every day, kitchen, bathroom, etc. At the end of the year, she would take all the money she had gotten from me, and buy little dollar store gifts, we would wrap them, go to a poor neighborhood in Santa Claus hats and hand out the gifts to whatever kids we saw while we were driving. It was good times!!!0
-
Can't blame you for being upset. She's 14 and has to learn about responsibility but there's no way she can hear you out without telling and making her understand the reason behind why you need her to help you, only then it will make sense to her.
I remember when I was much younger my mom assign me some task to do at home like for the entire up coming week I'm responsible to wash the dishes after dinner, make my bed every morning etc. in that case I know what was expected of me ahead of time and if I don't do it there will be repercussion. That's my mom teaching me how to take responsibility. I'm 36 now and I was very thankful of that. Hope this helps! oh if that doesn't work then time for plan b Lol!0 -
My daughter is 10. She has a checklist for what she expected to do and when. She does it every day. She gets allowance and loses a dollar from it if she doesn't check something of her list. She's 10 and does dishes every day, picks up after herself, and helps with laundry. She is an only child.
*Edit* I work two jobs. And my daughter is in multiple activities and gets straight A's in school. She just knows it isn't optional to not do it. Complaining results in loss of luxuries such as computer time or video games. She hasn't complained in months.0 -
If you're working two jobs, you must be a busy lady. Do you get much time to spend with your daughter? It might be that (as a sensitive teenage soul!) she feels that when you are home you're "nagging" or telling her to clean up.
Not saying that's how it is, but I grew up with a mum who worked very hard and long hours, she came home late and tired and needed me to help with the housework and chores, and we used to fight about it - I didn't feel like a "normal" kid because my friends didn't have to do those things really. And my mum's work was so all consuming that we didn't get to do much mum/daughter stuff - she often had to work weekends too, so sometimes (and lets remember teenagers can be slightly melodramatic) I used to feel that I went to school, came home, did housework and homework and then went to bed. Yet my mum would always say I didn't do enough or I hadn't done it to her standards (and she's quite a clean freak!)
It's hard as a single mum because you have nobody to help, as the only child of a single parent it's also tough because you kind of fill in the gap where another adult would pick up the slack if you see what I mean?
I'd have a talk with her, and try to establish some groundrules and set clear expectations. "Keep the house tidy" to a teenager is quite vague - their idea of tidy won't necessarily be what yours is! Deal in specifics, i.e. "please can you make sure that you wash the dishes and wipe down the sides after you cook dinner" or "please can you take your dirty cups and plates downstairs after you finish with them". Maybe give her specific jobs she is responsible for, so she can kind of "tick them off" and then she knows she's done what's expected of her and won't get a hard time - gain her agreement so you can refer back to the discussion if she doesn't keep her end up.
Finally, you might also have to learn to compromise a little. My mum had to pick the battles in the end, because at the end of the day, she was working, and I was not yet an adult, and she was leaving me in charge of the house most evenings. You don't get a spotless house in the hands of a 14 year old, end of, but you should definitely be able to ask for certain things as a minimum standard, particularly when it comes to taking care of and tidying her own things and not leaving extra work for you.0 -
This answer I support, good solutionWork together this weekend to get the house in good condition. Then, she is required to pick up after herself. That's not a slave, that's being responsible. Then, come up with a certain amount of chores that are her responsibility. Maybe make a chart. Stuff you're responsible for, she's responsible for and stuff you'll work on together. Then she'll see she doesn't do ALL the work. Hopefully that will help.0 -
THANK U ALL SO MUCH i REALLY GOT SOME GREAT IDEAS!0
-
I don't know your child so I don't know if this would work or not but we sat our 13-year-old (newly 13) down this weekend and told her we needed her help around the house more. Her dad has hurt his back and I'm dealing with some health issues that mean I can't move around very freely. We asked her what she was willing to do to help out.
She volunteered to take over the vaccuuming (with one of us supervising the first day) and to sort and put through the laundry (and put it away) if one of us would help with the folding (until she can do a better job of it).
She already keeps her room cleaned up (she doesn't have to make her bed but she has to arrange her comforter so it looks nice), puts away her stuff as she moves around the house, sets the table before meals and clears it after, takes care of her pet (crested gecko so changing food and water every other night and spritzing tank twice a day), and takes out the garbage and recycling.
Decide what's most important to you and then discuss with her that you need her help - that it really makes you depressed to come home and have the house be a mess and you need her help to make sure it isn't that way. It won't be perfect and you'll have to accept that it may not be to your standards but I'm a big believer in making it something you jointly do and not something they're ordered to do so they can feel pride in helping out, instead of feeling like slaves.0 -
Maybe show her what slaves are really treated like ( were ) then i'm sure she will change her tune?
Im joking of course.0 -
My son will be 14 on Saturday...and he is the only child. We only ask him to take out the trash...they way I look at it is...they should have chores....but he's only going to be a kid once and I hated chores so if it doesn't happen we let it slide....I may pay for it later...but wow did I not like chores....so I don't mind if he doesn't do the trash.........0
-
Here's what my foster mom did, worked like a charm too. I got an allowance every week. However; if I left my things sitting out, or left a mess, she would deduct $1 from my allowance. So I would end up owing HER money if I wasn't careful. I also had to do my set chore to get this allowance, it was different every day, kitchen, bathroom, etc. At the end of the year, she would take all the money she had gotten from me, and buy little dollar store gifts, we would wrap them, go to a poor neighborhood in Santa Claus hats and hand out the gifts to whatever kids we saw while we were driving. It was good times!!!
Great idea!!
And to the OP, you just have to make her do it. Allowance might work, if not... then take something away if she leaves messes around the house. I was raised with siblings, and I seemed to take on more chores than them because the youngest one was spoiled. Atleast she is the only child, less stuff to clean up.0 -
I can totally relate. I am a single mom of a 13-yo and 9-yo daughter. I usually remind my kids of how much I do for them and point out how little I actually ask from them. Sometimes they just need a little perspective. Teens don't always consider the world beyond their own experiences. Just be sure to set the appropriate tone fit the conversation. If you want her to respect you, then you have to show her respect. If you want her to look at things from an adult perspective, then you have to treat her like an adult. You can't entirely elevate teens to an adult status, but they are in the process of bridging the gap into adulthood, and generally, will respond well if you treat them like equals. In other words, maintain your position as the parent, but address the issue in a way so she is helping you solve a problem, rather than lecturing her. You should sit down with her and work together on a chore schedule. If she has some influence and control over it, then you are more likely to get her cooperation.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 427 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions