Any Thoughts before I Kill Her!

rizzaG

Can't blame you for being upset. She's 14 and has to learn about responsibility but there's no way she can hear you out without telling and making her understand the reason behind why you need her to help you, only then it will make sense to her.

I remember when I was much younger my mom assign me some task to do at home like for the entire up coming week I'm responsible to wash the dishes after dinner, make my bed every morning etc. in that case I know what was expected of me ahead of time and if I don't do it there will be repercussion. That's my mom teaching me how to take responsibility. I'm 36 now and I was very thankful of that. Hope this helps! oh if that doesn't work then time for plan b Lol!

AprilRN10

My daughter is 10. She has a checklist for what she expected to do and when. She does it every day. She gets allowance and loses a dollar from it if she doesn't check something of her list. She's 10 and does dishes every day, picks up after herself, and helps with laundry. She is an only child.

*Edit* I work two jobs. And my daughter is in multiple activities and gets straight A's in school. She just knows it isn't optional to not do it. Complaining results in loss of luxuries such as computer time or video games. She hasn't complained in months.

little_miss_panda

If you're working two jobs, you must be a busy lady. Do you get much time to spend with your daughter? It might be that (as a sensitive teenage soul!) she feels that when you are home you're "nagging" or telling her to clean up.

Not saying that's how it is, but I grew up with a mum who worked very hard and long hours, she came home late and tired and needed me to help with the housework and chores, and we used to fight about it - I didn't feel like a "normal" kid because my friends didn't have to do those things really. And my mum's work was so all consuming that we didn't get to do much mum/daughter stuff - she often had to work weekends too, so sometimes (and lets remember teenagers can be slightly melodramatic) I used to feel that I went to school, came home, did housework and homework and then went to bed. Yet my mum would always say I didn't do enough or I hadn't done it to her standards (and she's quite a clean freak!)

It's hard as a single mum because you have nobody to help, as the only child of a single parent it's also tough because you kind of fill in the gap where another adult would pick up the slack if you see what I mean?

I'd have a talk with her, and try to establish some groundrules and set clear expectations. "Keep the house tidy" to a teenager is quite vague - their idea of tidy won't necessarily be what yours is! Deal in specifics, i.e. "please can you make sure that you wash the dishes and wipe down the sides after you cook dinner" or "please can you take your dirty cups and plates downstairs after you finish with them". Maybe give her specific jobs she is responsible for, so she can kind of "tick them off" and then she knows she's done what's expected of her and won't get a hard time - gain her agreement so you can refer back to the discussion if she doesn't keep her end up.

Finally, you might also have to learn to compromise a little. My mum had to pick the battles in the end, because at the end of the day, she was working, and I was not yet an adult, and she was leaving me in charge of the house most evenings. You don't get a spotless house in the hands of a 14 year old, end of, but you should definitely be able to ask for certain things as a minimum standard, particularly when it comes to taking care of and tidying her own things and not leaving extra work for you.

fitpilatesqueen

Work together this weekend to get the house in good condition. Then, she is required to pick up after herself. That's not a slave, that's being responsible. Then, come up with a certain amount of chores that are her responsibility. Maybe make a chart. Stuff you're responsible for, she's responsible for and stuff you'll work on together. Then she'll see she doesn't do ALL the work. Hopefully that will help.

This answer I support, good solution

msradio

THANK U ALL SO MUCH i REALLY GOT SOME GREAT IDEAS!

jrbb03092

I don't know your child so I don't know if this would work or not but we sat our 13-year-old (newly 13) down this weekend and told her we needed her help around the house more. Her dad has hurt his back and I'm dealing with some health issues that mean I can't move around very freely. We asked her what she was willing to do to help out.

She volunteered to take over the vaccuuming (with one of us supervising the first day) and to sort and put through the laundry (and put it away) if one of us would help with the folding (until she can do a better job of it).

She already keeps her room cleaned up (she doesn't have to make her bed but she has to arrange her comforter so it looks nice), puts away her stuff as she moves around the house, sets the table before meals and clears it after, takes care of her pet (crested gecko so changing food and water every other night and spritzing tank twice a day), and takes out the garbage and recycling.

Decide what's most important to you and then discuss with her that you need her help - that it really makes you depressed to come home and have the house be a mess and you need her help to make sure it isn't that way. It won't be perfect and you'll have to accept that it may not be to your standards but I'm a big believer in making it something you jointly do and not something they're ordered to do so they can feel pride in helping out, instead of feeling like slaves.

JennaM222

Maybe show her what slaves are really treated like ( were ) then i'm sure she will change her tune?

Im joking of course.

Angie_1991

My son will be 14 on Saturday...and he is the only child. We only ask him to take out the trash...they way I look at it is...they should have chores....but he's only going to be a kid once and I hated chores so if it doesn't happen we let it slide....I may pay for it later...but wow did I not like chores....so I don't mind if he doesn't do the trash.........

ObtainingBalance

Here's what my foster mom did, worked like a charm too. I got an allowance every week. However; if I left my things sitting out, or left a mess, she would deduct $1 from my allowance. So I would end up owing HER money if I wasn't careful. I also had to do my set chore to get this allowance, it was different every day, kitchen, bathroom, etc. At the end of the year, she would take all the money she had gotten from me, and buy little dollar store gifts, we would wrap them, go to a poor neighborhood in Santa Claus hats and hand out the gifts to whatever kids we saw while we were driving. It was good times!!!

Great idea!!

And to the OP, you just have to make her do it. Allowance might work, if not... then take something away if she leaves messes around the house. I was raised with siblings, and I seemed to take on more chores than them because the youngest one was spoiled. Atleast she is the only child, less stuff to clean up.

UsedToBeHusky

I can totally relate. I am a single mom of a 13-yo and 9-yo daughter. I usually remind my kids of how much I do for them and point out how little I actually ask from them. Sometimes they just need a little perspective. Teens don't always consider the world beyond their own experiences. Just be sure to set the appropriate tone fit the conversation. If you want her to respect you, then you have to show her respect. If you want her to look at things from an adult perspective, then you have to treat her like an adult. You can't entirely elevate teens to an adult status, but they are in the process of bridging the gap into adulthood, and generally, will respond well if you treat them like equals. In other words, maintain your position as the parent, but address the issue in a way so she is helping you solve a problem, rather than lecturing her. You should sit down with her and work together on a chore schedule. If she has some influence and control over it, then you are more likely to get her cooperation.

rubyautumn4

Does she have assigned chores that she is responsible for on a regular basis? Of course she should be expected to pick up after herself but it may help to have specific things she is expected to do - perhaps part of the reason she complains is that she doesn't know what she's supposed to have done? Or she has done some cleaning/tidying up but you may not notice and it and then she feels like you're picking on her without acknowledging her efforts?
"Clean the house" is fairly vague because it can be anything from sweeping, laundry, washing the windows, vacuuming, wiping down the baseboards and reorganizing the pantry or maybe you just want her to do dishes and get the mail?

ObtainingBalance

My son will be 14 on Saturday...and he is the only child. We only ask him to take out the trash...they way I look at it is...they should have chores....but he's only going to be a kid once and I hated chores so if it doesn't happen we let it slide....I may pay for it later...but wow did I not like chores....so I don't mind if he doesn't do the trash.........

Just remember someones got to do it. If you let him slide because you know you didn't like chores, what about the person who has to do it for him? It would only take him 5 minutes.

ritoosh

lol although i had an older brother once i got old enough i was the one doing all the chores which ofc made me feel like a slave especially since i had to also clean up after my brothers mess...and if i didnt id get yelled at. why dont you give her an incentive. like if she cleans the house every saturday you will give her 20 dollars or something you know? that always works for me lol

JenniBaby85

^^LOL I love this :laugh: .

Okay that being stated, I think it's important for kids, specifically teens to be given responsibilities. Maybe this is a good chance to have a heart to heart with your daughter? Lay out that you need her help, it will make her feel important, and explain what it would mean to you (without using a guilt trip). Maybe it can pave the way to a deeper conversation . Good luck.

LPCoder

My friend is a single mom and she also works two jobs. What she did when she kept coming home to a house that was a mess is that once the kids went to bed, she went around the house with a huge garbage bag and put all the stuff that was not put away at the end of the night into it, and then stored it out in the garage for a week or two. When the kids got up the next day and were looking for their stuff, she told them that since they did not care enough about their stuf to put it away and take care of it properly, she put everything she found in a bag and removed it from the house. She then told them that she would do this every night once the kids went to bed. Miraculously, their stuff got picked up every night after that!

MaraDiaz

Tell her if she wants money for college she'll straighten up, or she can spend her life working at McDonald's and really know what it's like to feel like a slave.

Wait, she's 14. That won't work. If she ever gets any spending money at all, whether it's an allowance or if you buy her something sometimes when she asks, you could turn it into a weekly wage that depends on her doing her chores, I suppose. No chores, no money, no movies, no clothes beyond the basics.

It's tough no matter what you do, though, she's 14, and that's not a good year. In fact, she'll probably be certifiably nuts until she's past 20. My sister and I were hormonally nutty.

rfsatar

I was an only child and whilst I liked doing things like cleaning the car for money I hated doing things like washing up etc.
When it came to tidying, like all little kids I used to get nagged, a lot!
My worst sins were things like washing up...

I had pocket money, and just generally helped out, so... on bin day, I would be ASKED to get the bins from upstairs and bring them all down, and take them back up again...

My mum would ASK me to make sure anything I wanted washed was in the laundry basket so she would wash it on her day off.,.. and she would lay out my dry stuff on the bed for me to put away.
Once I threw my school skirt under the bed on the last day of term and then freaked out when I couldn't find it for the first day and her reaction was "well... if it didn't make the basket....." Only need learn that lesson once!

My mum taught me how to iron my school shirts so... it may only have been 5 things out of her pile to do, but it was a help.
I'd occasionally tidy up and sort out things like the airing cupboard for her...
My parents both taught me a lot of the basics of how to cook, so I could "help" out there too...

My parents were both nurses, working opposite shifts so one parent was around to pick up/collect from school ...
I was by no means perfect... and at 14 I think I was a complete moody mare, but I was mainly asked to help and so would be a little more willing.

cdub78

My son turns 14 today!! He is an only child as well and complained that he wasn't getting paid to do stuff around the house (kid pretty much gets what he needs when he needs it anyways). So I said fine you want money to help out cleaning up the mess you help make that's fine. The house payment is due next week and I'm going to need your share so I'll need that $500 by then. Shut him up pretty quick. In fact he got a job helping a neighbor cut grass and started earning his own money

sho3girl

At 14 my Mum died ,,, and I had chores. I was also trying to help my Dad sort out household bills and my younger sister.

My sister on the other hand didn't (was 6), she's now in her 30s still everyone has to do everything for her! Don't make a rod for your own back or the next person they have the misfortune to live with.

Shannonpurple

Don't worry I don't plan on killing my 14 yr old anytime soon! I just need some advice, My daughter is the only child and since I grew up with siblings it's hard to relate with her at times.

The problem is this I work 2 jobs and when I come home to a house that looks a mess I get upset. Then I have to hear her complain that she feels like a slave if i ask her to straighten up. When I was growing up it was more then just me so I always had help with chores, I don't want everything to be on her but something has to give any advice out there?

Well she is the only one there to make the mess she should clean it. You have every right to be upset she is 14 not a baby she should help out. Her complaint about feeling like a slave Tell her if she was a slave she would be working 2 jobs for no money then have to come home and clean up after you. Kids these days have it too easy, if you let her be lazy now she will be a lazy adult.