Dating a morbidly obese person....
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I would never consider dating someone who is morbidly obese, and it is truly not about the aesthetic factor, at least not primarily. I was once right on the edge of being "morbidly obese" (250 lbs on a 5 ft frame), and I did not figure out until I lost all the extra weight that I had some psychological issues that were causing me to hide myself behind food and baggy clothing.
When I lost the weight, I came alive. I am a different person now than I was then. Sure, I was nice and sweet and a good friend and girlfriend back then, but it was all an act. I was not happy. I didn't like myself. I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted out of life. I am mentally and emotionally capable of being in a stable, adult relationship now. I wasn't before, and I didn't even realize it.
It's one thing to be carrying 20 or 30 extra pounds. That becomes all to easy to do when you reach a certain age and stop being intentionally active. But being 300 pounds overweight is not about lack of activity. It's about burying yourself in food to avoid dealing with your problems. It's not healthy for him, and it certainly isn't healthy for you. He doesn't need a girlfriend right now; he needs a friend who believes in him enough to encourage him to change his life. You can be that friend. Or you can be the pseudo girlfriend who agrees to date him and becomes gradually angry with him for being the way he is. You're already worried about how his lifestyle might affect yours (and you should be). That alone is enough reason to approach this platonically, for now.0 -
These forums never cease to amaze me.
I have literally seen dozens of threads where people swear black and blue that it is whats on the inside that counts, looks or weight aren't that important yada yada yada but despite this seemingly being a good guy with a great personality he is getting written off even without a single date. It seems what you eat is very. very important.
If I ever find myself morbidly obese and single I am writing off the possibility of getting my trouser snake charmed indefinitely!
I agree that what's on the inside counts more than anything. But there is a reason drug addicts and alcoholics in recovery are told to:
1. Stay away from other addicts and
2. Not get into a relationship for an entire year of sobriety.
This isn't about a good guy or bad guy or physical appearance. It's about a woman with an addiction trying to become sober and there is a very good chance this guy could hinder her efforts because they share the same addiction.0 -
These forums never cease to amaze me.
I have literally seen dozens of threads where people swear black and blue that it is whats on the inside that counts, looks or weight aren't that important yada yada yada but despite this seemingly being a good guy with a great personality he is getting written off even without a single date. It seems what you eat is very. very important.
If I ever find myself morbidly obese and single I am writing off the possibility of getting my trouser snake charmed indefinitely!
I agree that what's on the inside counts more than anything. But there is a reason drug addicts and alcoholics in recovery are told to:
1. Stay away from other addicts and
2. Not get into a relationship for an entire year of sobriety.
This isn't about a good guy or bad guy or physical appearance. It's about a woman with an addiction trying to become sober and there is a very good chance this guy could hinder her efforts because they share the same addiction.
I have to agree with this. When I was in a relationship, my ex would say he wanted to eat healthy. Force me to do all the meal planning and preparation. Then, eat behind my back, and constantly hound me about succumbing to temptation when we were together. Many and much arguments insued.
When you are in a relationship, you have to be on the same page about certain things. Even though she is only talking about dating this guy, she sounds like she could be interested in more. Therefore, she needs to be sure that they are on the same page about lifestyle choices before things blossom.
OP... I originally thought that you had already dated this guy, but now I realize that you are pondering if you should. Give the guy a chance. Go out on a date with him and find out what he is really all about. Don't just rely on second-hand information to form your opinions of him.0 -
Here's my $.02
Be friends with him, talk to him, get to know him, even go on a date or two or twelve with him. Causally mention your goals to lose weight and live the "roller-coasting vacation" life you've always dreamed of and how you plan to achieve those goals. One thing you don't want to do is try to "convince" him to join you by constantly saying "MFP this or MFP that or I just ate a single peanut...I MUST log it!!!"
IF he thinks you're trying to change him by bringing your weight loss up all the time, then he's going to resist. Occasionally mention something, but let the results speak for themselves, he will notice and it will be his idea to follow suit. It has to be his idea and he has to be the one to be serious about it, you can't and won't change him.
Just because you're friends with him or dating him doesn't mean you're going to marry him or spend the rest of your life with him. This is the part where you two see if you even want to take the next step, make it more of a commitment.
Take it slow, continue to do what you need to do to be healthy and what works for you....when he sees your dedication and your results with real food and real exercise, then he will have an example to follow, but for the time being, enjoy him for who he is and how you two get along together.0 -
This isn't about a good guy or bad guy or physical appearance. It's about a woman with an addiction trying to become sober and there is a very good chance this guy could hinder her efforts because they share the same addiction.
In my view it is about assumptions made about an obese man based on his appearance with very little information to support any of those assumptions other than "oh, that's what obese people must do or be like"
Maybe he will sabotage this lady's efforts.
Or maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be really supportive even though he doesn't follow that routine himself.
This is about the prejudice obese people suffer and nobody batting an eyelid.0 -
I would never consider dating someone who is morbidly obese, and it is truly not about the aesthetic factor, at least not primarily.
Funny thing about this statement...the perception of what you have and others differs on what is and is not "morbidly" obese.
All things said, if you are searching for a connection that is greater than primal vision, roll with it. But let him know, you want the opportunity for the relationship to last until your 150. And if that is going to happen, overall health is a major factor.0 -
Just be open and honest....that's what we all desire out of any relationship anyway, right? Voice your concerns, good and bad. He can only (SHOULD only) respect you for having even given it the thorough thoughts and concerns you have already. You can point out that you're over-weight and are needing support to succeed, can he give this support to you. Since it's so early, tow things can happen, either he says yes, he'd like to get healthy too and you guys do this journey together, or he says he's happy with himself and not wanting to change. At that point, the choice is your's to make.
Good luck! I certainly do not envy you. I met and married a healthy guy when I was 185 and after 6 yrs of marriage ballooned up to 206 and he up to almost 195. We started eating right in March of this yr and he's 150 and I'm 173.
Just remember, the right guy for YOU is out there, the one that will support YOU. If it's not this guy, better to move on before anyone gets really hurt and then you can focus on YOU!
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In my view it is about assumptions made about an obese man based on his appearance with very little information to support any of those assumptions other than "oh, that's what obese people must do or be like"
Maybe he will sabotage this lady's efforts.
Or maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be really supportive even though he doesn't follow that routine himself.
This is about the prejudice obese people suffer and nobody batting an eyelid.
Puhhh-lease. Didn't you say yourself if you were morbidly obese you would expect no one to play with your hang-down? Is that not prejudice?0 -
In my view it is about assumptions made about an obese man based on his appearance with very little information to support any of those assumptions other than "oh, that's what obese people must do or be like"
Maybe he will sabotage this lady's efforts.
Or maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be really supportive even though he doesn't follow that routine himself.
This is about the prejudice obese people suffer and nobody batting an eyelid.
Puhhh-lease. Didn't you say yourself if you were morbidly obese you would expect no one to play with your hang-down? Is that not prejudice?
Based on the responses from this thread....
Attraction is important. I understand that. So is physical attraction and there is nothing wrong with having a preference.
However, if you simply write off someone based on assumptions of what they might do based on negative and incomplete information when you are attracted to them what else would you say the decision is going to be based on?0 -
These forums never cease to amaze me.
I have literally seen dozens of threads where people swear black and blue that it is whats on the inside that counts, looks or weight aren't that important yada yada yada but despite this seemingly being a good guy with a great personality he is getting written off even without a single date. It seems what you eat is very. very important.
If I ever find myself morbidly obese and single I am writing off the possibility of getting my trouser snake charmed indefinitely!
lol at the last part0 -
Personally i would stay away. My x was overweight and he really was not supportive with my weight loss. All he wanted to do was eat and go to the movies. Nothing physically active. My health and happiness was more important than someone i was dating. Now im engaged to an amazingly supportive man.0
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Ok, I've been single for about 6 months and recently, an old acquaintance from high school told me I should really start talking to her friend, we will call him Jim. She says he is her best friend, that he is the sweetest guy ever and that alot of girls won't talk to them because they are shallow because he is a big boy but he treats the person he is with like a queen. Now generally, all the men I have dated have been "big boys" I prefer a bigger man. So I didn't really think anything of it, and who am I to judge? I weigh 308 lbs....
So I thought, what is there to lose and him and I started texting each other. Him and I have a TON of stuff in common and I can tell that he is a super sweet guy. (after dating complete @ssholes it was very refreshing) We became friends on facebook and he is not what I expected. He weighs I would guess around 500 lbs. He has a really cute face (haven't we all heard that one before, i feel ashamed for saying it), . I asked my friend from high school if he was trying to lose weight or get healthy and she said he was not and she was worried about his health.
I want to state that I am far from a superficial person, but I do worry about getting involved with him, especially at the point I am in my life, trying to get healthy and lose this weight. I feel like he might be hinder to my success. I know I must have self control and be around people that eat unhealthy things and still make the right choice, but it would definitely make it harder. Also, when I get to a healthy weight, I want to go out and do all the things I couldn't do, like roller coasters, and vacations and I want someone who can share that with me.
Another thing I thought of is that perhaps if him and I started talking more, he might see the changes I have made and want to get involved in trying to work out, but I know to not hold my breath. People have to make their own decision on when the right time is for them to make a change and get to where they want to be. But I would much rather date a heavy nice guy, than a mean skinny guy any day.
I need advice!
There's no rule book that says you have to immediately begin dating just because you've been getting to know one another and have some things in common. Be honest with him and tell him that you have these goals and that you're concentrating on bettering yourself right now and you need to make sure that dating ANYONE new wouldn't derail your efforts. Suggest taking things slow and becoming friends first so that you can get to know his lifestyle and HIS goals for the future before committing to a relationship.0 -
I should clarify OP that I do not mean to criticise you for making a decision which is based on her desire to lead a healthy and positive life. Of course you should act in the way which is best for you.
Just please bear in mind that people are individuals and sometimes what is on the outside may not be a true reflection of how they may act. It may give you certain pointers obviously and it would be foolish to ignore that. I accept that.
As you were....0 -
It all comes down to if you really like him or not.... If you do go for it and if your not sure. Then tell him you just want to be friend for now. Once your good friends yall can talk and get to know each other more and be able to talk about weight stuff. No need to rush in to things. Just be his friend for awhile and if you truly end up having feeling for him you wont care if he is over weight.0
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Hello,
Thanks for sharing your concerns. First and formost, you need to be completely honest with him. Tell him exactly what you wrote here but make sure he knows that you are just concerned about yourself falling off track being around someone who doesnt have a goal like you do.
I do understand your concern but from the other end. I was the heavy one and my boy friend was the healthier one and he was fit and would workout on a normal basis. This was encouraging for me personally, it made me a little self concious that I was the heavier one in the relationship and I worked to eat better and workout to lose some weight not only because of the appearance but because I know in the long run I am going to encounter some health issues if not and that is a concern for both of us for me.
I hope this helped.
Kayla0 -
You need to be able to share all aspects of your life together. It is not shallow of you for wanting to be with someone capable of doing the same things/activities. It's no different than choosing not to be with a partner because one of you wants kids and the other doesnt or one of you is a party animal and the other has a more settled life. You need to move and grow together ( or shrink together in your case
otherwise one of you will be left behing. In this case it would be him.
How is a relationship suppose to last in the long term if you are both on different paths?
You are better off not getting involved with this guy now.0 -
Do you have to go from “strangers” to “dating” straight away?
What if you took the pressure off yourselves and just started getting to know each other as friends without any expectation of where it might lead?
You can still go out and do things together without having to call it dating. That way, as you get to know each other you’ll no doubt (at some point) have a natural opportunity to discuss what you’ve been doing to change your lifestyle and why, and at the same time find out where he stands on the subject without it having to be an awkward conversation.
If it turns out that he really doesn’t want to get healthier or it seems that he will hold you back from reaching your goals (not just your weight loss goals, but your personal goals of going on rollercoasters etc), then you don’t have to take it any further than friendship. On the other hand, if he turns out to be your ideal man and decides to take your example, you’ll have a solid base of friendship to blossom from and you’ll be able to support him having done so well yourself.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you!0 -
I think it wouldn't hurt to just start off as friends. You two can go places together and it will give you a chance to gauge how active he is and what he enjoys doing. If you suggest something more active, would he be quick to turn it down? No need to rush into a relationship, but I wouldn't avoid an otherwise seemingly good man just because of weight. If you are honest to him about it, I think you'll know pretty early on if he wants to change. Your friend may see that he doesn't *do* anything to change, but maybe he does want to, it just takes a while to get going. I also don't think being with him would derail your progress. If he only invites you out to eat at unhealthy places, then just say you're trying to make healthier choices.0
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Getting in a relationship thinking your are going to change him, what could possibly go wrong?
Thanks for the great advice! lol
He has a great point though. You CANNOT go in with a mission to change him. I think it's not a bright idea. Unless you think you could spend your life with him....dont. This is a red flag. While big people deserve love too...you need someone that is equally yoked in all aspects of life.0 -
I'd be honest with him about your concerns. Let him know you really like him, and would consider dating, but you are working towards a healthier lifestyle, including weight loss. This is a part of who you are. Ask him how he feels about that? Maybe he'll want to do it with you. But, I'd be prepared to be sabtaged as well- often those who are in an unhealthly lifestyle will unknowingly sabotage your workout plans, your eating, because they are not making those changes.
Be his friend first if you can, as you are now. (I hate to give relationship advice, but since this is about your weight loss-I'll put my 2 cents in). There is no harm in slowing things down, this is a good question, and this can really impact your lifestyle. I like how it was said by another, do you want to get romantically involved with someone at this weight if they have no interest in getting healthy? If they don't, they are lining themselves up for an early death- and you wouldn't want that pain either0
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