Can a marriage survive??

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  • raiderrodney
    raiderrodney Posts: 617 Member
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    It's tough...I've been through it too. Over time you may be able to forgive but you can never forget it. If he's genuinely sorry and you can get passed it then yes, you can save the marriage. I think we could of worked passed it but there were many other factors that ultimately lead to divorce for me.
  • lindsyrox
    lindsyrox Posts: 257 Member
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    Personally I have ZERO tolerance for that crap and my husband knows it. Relationships depend on a strong trust, he not only broke that trust by cheating but then by LYING about it! If he can do it once he can do it again. You only live once so, dont sell yourself short by staying with someone who doesn't have the any respect or decency towards you. Whatever reason he had for cheating the first time isn't going to just disapear, and we all know you can't change someone.

    Get out now and don't drag things out forever.
  • eatcleanNtraindirty
    eatcleanNtraindirty Posts: 444 Member
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    Only if you can still trust him! That's really the only way. And if he's learned from his mistake...
  • RMMarsh
    RMMarsh Posts: 6 Member
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    See if he is willing to set up the appropriate boundaries that it will take to build your trust. Boundaries such as completely cutting that person off, looking for a new job if the other woman is at work. Not having female friends. No pornography. Changing phone numbers....and so on. Whatever is reasonable that would make you feel as though he really has turned away from the affair and is committed to you. If he has a male friend you trust ask him to be an accountability partner who will also check in with your hubby and make sure he is on the right track. That's what I would do. I know couples in that boat and they have survived this. If you want to you can. It is a choice.
  • fcp1234
    fcp1234 Posts: 1,098 Member
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    Get back together with him, but remind him of it every chance you get.

    We all know you’re the clown of MFP, but it’s so repellent to read your “funny” comments on posts like this, which is very obvious that is a serious/sensitive matter for the OP. If you do not have any help for her, move to another thread.

    Yes I agree, this is not a relationship site, but you are a grown *kitten* man, please put a second or two into determining if your humor is appropriate for every single thread before responding.
  • Jennifer2387
    Jennifer2387 Posts: 957 Member
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    The key is repentance. The person having the affair needs to admit it, regret it and commit to it never happening again. S/he needs to be accountable for their whereabouts at all times and accept that it'll take time to rebuild trust.

    This
  • elprincipito
    elprincipito Posts: 1,200 Member
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    i'm young and never married but once someone has done something it is very easy for them to cheat again in my opinion. Also just because you caught him once, doesn't mean he didn't cheat before sorry :P
  • lindsyrox
    lindsyrox Posts: 257 Member
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    Just checked out your profile, you're only 30, you've lost a LOT of weight, and are gorgeous! WHY WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH THAT???? You need to evaluate what you want in life and go get it, don't put up with anything less than what you want, and personally a lying cheater isn't on my list!

    I wish you the best, you have so much potential and a LOT of years ahead of you, don't waste them.
  • GnaBean
    GnaBean Posts: 112 Member
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    There's always a reason why someone cheats. Unless and until that problem is addressed, maybe with the help of a trained professional, the marriage will continue to struggle. Sometimes the underlying problem isn't even identified until there's counceling.
  • toomuchbootyindapants
    toomuchbootyindapants Posts: 811 Member
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    Love is a choice. You can choose to love him regardless and work on things....or not. That's only for you to decide. Many marriages survive affairs and get better...and many fail. It all depends on the effort you both put forward to rebuild trust, keep open lines of communication, and forgive.
  • joann1948
    joann1948 Posts: 161 Member
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    When trust is broken it can take years to rebuild. Many couples have gotten thru this, mostly with marriage therapy. I know of a couple who went thru this, and they made it, and their marriage is stronger than ever right now, but it does not get fixed overnight.....Good Luck to you Both......Joann
  • Steve_Runs
    Steve_Runs Posts: 443 Member
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    Yes, seek counsoling or support from your church! Yes it can survive!
  • deb3129
    deb3129 Posts: 1,294 Member
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    Yes, a marriage can survive. Two years ago today, I discovered that my husband was having an affair. It was the most devastating thing I have ever been through in my life. I told him that he could stay in our house until Christmas (we have small children and I did not want to ruin their christmas), but then he had to get out. Between that day and Christmas, he did every thing he could to prove to me that he was sorry, and to try to mend things. He ended up staying. The last two years have been an emotional roller coaster, but I can honestly say that it is much stronger now than before.

    I saw that there was a post that said if you feel like you can trust him stay. But at this point there is really no way that you can feel you can trust him. That takes a LOT of time to get back. I have really just gotten to the point where I am secure and do trust him. It is a LOT of hard work, I cannot stress that enough. But if you love him, and you basically had a decent marriage, it may be worth doing.

    SOmething that helped me immensely was a website called surviving infidelity. www.survivinginfidelity.com. It is a great forum for spouses who have been betrayed. So many crazy things go on in your head when this happens to you, it is nice to read that others have the same feelings, it makes you feel a little less crazy. Hang in there, whatever you choose it will be a long journey. But you will make it out the other side. This has turned me into a lot stronger person, that is for sure. Hugs
  • Yieya
    Yieya Posts: 168 Member
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    You say you love him. That's a start.

    Now you have to work on things, if you really do love him and want to make this work. Communicate, spend time together, be open and honest and try to just have fun once in a while too.

    Infidelity is rampant, we're not a very monogamous species. The difference between the couples who last and the ones that fall apart is whether or not they're willing to work on things.


    This^^^ I know couples who have survived it and other that haven't. Both have to be willing to work at the marriage. Marriage can be such a wonderful thing. If you both love one another it's worth trying to save. To repeat some of the other posters advice... Seek counseling, he has to truly end any other relationship and you truly have to choose to forgive him. I wish you the best of luck.:flowerforyou:
  • deb3129
    deb3129 Posts: 1,294 Member
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    It happens every day and people survive it. Personally, I don't see how. I could never forgive that, regardless of the history. That's the BIGGEST betrayal of trust.

    I said this before it happned too. But the truth is, you just dont know until you are in this situation.
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
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    I tell people all the time:

    Love is probably the strongest emotion there is. It will make people forgive a lot of things.
  • BeingAwesome247
    BeingAwesome247 Posts: 1,171 Member
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    For me personally, there is no coming back from that. Abuse & Adultry are two marriage "sins" in my eyes that cannot be fixed.
    And forgiving him & still loving him is different from keeping the marriage together

    Few things
    1. he didn't come clean - you caught him
    2. how long was said affair and with who?
    3. Is he sorry he did it or sorry he got caught
    4. There is a huge difference between a one night stand & him coming clean with you and him carrying on an affair that basically means he didn't lie to you just once but EVERY SINGLE DAY

    In the end it's really up to you. If you think couples therapy will help and you can TRULY move past it, give it all you got. I just know I wouldn't be able to and it'd make me crazy
  • magj0y
    magj0y Posts: 1,911 Member
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    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.

    ^^It can take a long time to rebuild any sort of trust. def. hit up marriage counseling
  • TiffanyW1014
    TiffanyW1014 Posts: 614 Member
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    It can survive. But the key is forgiveness. You MUST forgive him and move on if that's what you want. Don't bring it up every time you argue, don't sit around thinking about it. Don't ask him to talk about it when you're drunk. Just move on. That's the only way you will get past it.

    So funny. You nailed me to a "T". This is what I can see myself doing, it drives me nuts everyday and I feel like a nag always asking him where he is going or what he is doing but IMO I deserve to be answered and he needs to understand that.
  • iSurvive
    iSurvive Posts: 91
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    My mother had an affair on my Dad when they had been married for about four years. They have now been married for over 40 years. I would say that they are still in love and that they are happy. However as long ago as that affair was I think there is still small grain of something there still, hurt, resentment, something I don't know. They don't talk about it. I didn't even know about till I was 18. I overheard a aunt talking about it. The guy was a friend of my Dad's, that made matters worse. You just have to know yourself well enough I think. I know me, and I know that no matter how much I loved my husband ( and I do we've been married 10 years) I just know that hurt would never go away. It might heal, but it's a scar that would always be there. It would always make me sad... so I wouldn't stay. That is just a betrayal that I could never abide by.

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