Can a marriage survive??

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  • My1985Freckles
    My1985Freckles Posts: 1,039 Member
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    Do you trust him now? If yes, then of course it can survive. If not, then no, it can't.

    This!
  • blondemom1979
    blondemom1979 Posts: 64 Member
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    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???
    That was my thought as well...
    Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol
  • rileamoyer
    rileamoyer Posts: 2,411 Member
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    Maybe - there are way too many reasons/issues that can trigger an 'affair'. Sometimes there is something going on deep inside that triggers it and nearly losing everything will be all it takes to start you both back on the same path. However, having been married to a serial cheater - that type never changes - I say proceed with caution.
  • rlmadrid
    rlmadrid Posts: 694 Member
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    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???
    That was my thought as well...
    Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol

    Not to show any support to that terrible show, but I want to add to this... If rlm were a part of a polygamous lifestyle, that would certainly contribute an interesting perspective to this discussion. It does work, yet infidelity is considered a breach of trust where a polyandrous arrangement does not exist. I would have to say that they are very different concepts.
  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
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    My father had an affair when my parents had been married about 16 years. He moved out but my mother kept hope and after 10 months he moved back in. It completely changed their relationship. He passed away in 2010 - they had been married for 46 years. My mother has said that in spite of the hurt of the affair, it changed their marriage for the better.

    A marriage can survive if both parties are willing to work on what went wrong. You just have to decide what you want and whether or not you can forgive him. If you can't forgive him and let go of it, you will both be miserable. If you can forgive him then you can move forward. Best of luck - forgiveness is difficult but it can be done if he can restore your trust.
  • VictoriaWorksOut
    VictoriaWorksOut Posts: 195 Member
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    It depends on 2 things:
    1) Will he truly regret and turn his way around
    2) Can you forgive

    It takes time to rebuild the trust that has been lost and will not happen over period of short time, might take years for you fully trust him. I think it is worth it, But it has to start with him wanting to repent and change his way. If he continues cheating, it will not work. Before making decision to separate consider for both of you to go to counseling, it helps to have third person addressing issues that are hidden and guide. Even if you decide to stay together, you should seek counseling to address and deal with issues that are hidden.

    Some people continue living together in situations like this for economical reasons, because they can't afford to separate. That is, in my opinion, damaging not only to children but to both spouses.

    • Where there is no guidance, the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory. (Proverbs 11:14)

    • The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel. (Proverbs 12:15)
  • Amandamaslin
    Amandamaslin Posts: 7
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    A few years ago I lost a huge amount of weight and was completely unaware of the effects it could have on those around me and on our marriage. my husband saw the affair coming before I did, but he loved me enough to fight for me. I wasn't prepared for the attention I received from everyone and I reacted badly, especially as I felt that my husband and I were drifting apart. I can quite honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to us. We are now closer than ever. My point is if you want it enough a marriage can survive an affair if both parties truly want it.
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
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    You vowed to love him 'til death do you part. If there is no verbal/physical abuse and he's asked for forgiveness, lay down the conditions of what it will take for you to forgive him (counseling, having each other's passwords, not speaking to the other person again, etc). If he's serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, he'll agree to the conditions it will take to regain your trust and earn your forgiveness.
  • Shannon2714
    Shannon2714 Posts: 843 Member
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    Do you trust him now? If yes, then of course it can survive. If not, then no, it can't.
  • danasings
    danasings Posts: 8,218 Member
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    The problem is trust... Can you ever really trust him again and can you live with and love someone you don't trust?

    ^This. It can survive, but only if you can trust him again. Only you can decide if you can put it behind you completely and trust him fully again or not.
  • joeysox
    joeysox Posts: 195 Member
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    i have been cheated on, it was a deal breaker BUT we were not married and they were not the person i thought i would spend my life with so it is a bit different. you should be allowed to talk about it! its natural to need to know especially something like this its awful! for me personally in your situation it would depend on things like who? why? how long? and what he was thinking in terms of his marriage. if there were no answers i could accept it would be a no x
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???
    That was my thought as well...
    Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol

    Crap! I haven't been back to this thread until now. My keyboard at work is really old and overused and keeps skipping over letters. That is supposed to be "MANY marriages," not "my marriages."

    I have never been married even once.
  • Maidofmer
    Maidofmer Posts: 908 Member
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    The problem is trust... Can you ever really trust him again and can you live with and love someone you don't trust?

    I gotta say this. If my husband ever cheated, the trust would be gone and it'd be toxic. You deserve better. epically if you caught him and he lied. how could you know if that was the only time? I'd move on for you and your daughters' sake. Both of you deserve better. Hope you find the answer you're looking for. Good luck to you.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
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    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???
    That was my thought as well...
    Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol

    Crap! I haven't been back to this thread until now. My keyboard at work is really old and overused and keeps skipping over letters. That is supposed to be "MANY marriages," not "my marriages."

    I have never been married even once.

    LOL! You made everyone's day.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
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    You vowed to love him 'til death do you part. If there is no verbal/physical abuse and he's asked for forgiveness, lay down the conditions of what it will take for you to forgive him (counseling, having each other's passwords, not speaking to the other person again, etc). If he's serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, he'll agree to the conditions it will take to regain your trust and earn your forgiveness.

    Amen. Love is an action, not an emotion. This is when the loving gets tough. ): ****ty but true.

    Wish more people would take those vows more seriously.
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    I am in a situation... My husband had an affair... I caught him. He lied but then finally admitted it. I moved out in August. We have been together for 10 years and married for 8 with a 7 year old daughter. I recently moved back into the house. But in all honesty can a marriage really survive an affair?? I still love him with all my heart and things have changed for the better, but I'm not so sure we can live happy ever after. Advice or stories please!!

    It's not about forgiveness and it's not about forgetting, but boils down to - "Do you love him? And how much do you love him? Could you live without him - in your life?" Not your daughter - you.

    The mistake would be to return to him - for her and because of her. It has to be you - to him. Then again, you need to identify whether or not he is "present" with you - after the affair. You can't allow yourself to be in a loveless marriage, if he does not love you anymore, but merely finds you convenient. That would be toxic.

    Edit: Yours is not an open marriage, nor is it a polyamorous one. He stepped out, you caught him - the how many times he'd engaged in copulation with other women who aren't you - is inconsequential - highly irrelevant. The substance of the situation is - can you live with yourself and him - under the same roof - forever after from this moment - knowing what you know, with the memory of what you'd witnessed? The sense memory, which has the ability to replay on automatic. If not - it might be best to let him go and you'll need to startover. If he wasn't a cheat to start off with, like many women know of their spouses when they choose to marry players, they know that they have to accommodate that - it is an expected faux pas. But in your case - you're stunned - that he did, so you have no choice but to deal and woman up.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
    MarriageS???
    That was my thought as well...
    Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol

    Crap! I haven't been back to this thread until now. My keyboard at work is really old and overused and keeps skipping over letters. That is supposed to be "MANY marriages," not "my marriages."

    I have never been married even once.

    LOL! You made everyone's day.

    I'm very happy to provide some levity, even unintentionally! lol
  • Surisaddai
    Surisaddai Posts: 142 Member
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    I believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater". You said you caught him and then he lied about it, so if he is sorry it is because he got caught. You are worth a lot more than that, and staying with him for the sake of your children will not really benefit them. I am sorry you are going through this :(
  • ChristineS_51
    ChristineS_51 Posts: 872 Member
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    I have never been in your situation so I can't say what I would do. I *think* I would kick him out, but until faced with a situation ... we have been married for 40 years ...
    Everyone makes mistakes - if they learn from their mistake, then that is good.

    Things to consider -
    maybe he lied because he didn't want you to find out and hurt you?
    Did he tell you why he had the affair?
    Does he still love you?
    Does he want it to work as much as you do?
    Do you want it to work as much as he does?
    You have a child to think about - will the home be happy if you remain together?
    Can you forgive him?
    Has he been remorseful?

    Good luck - you are a beautiful family and that is worth holding onto and working to maintain.
  • SteveHunt113
    SteveHunt113 Posts: 648 Member
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    You vowed to love him 'til death do you part. If there is no verbal/physical abuse and he's asked for forgiveness, lay down the conditions of what it will take for you to forgive him (counseling, having each other's passwords, not speaking to the other person again, etc). If he's serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, he'll agree to the conditions it will take to regain your trust and earn your forgiveness.
    This.

    Exactly.

    I got involved in a non-physical affair - seriously, no touching of any kind. I refer to it as an emotional affair in that we both liked each other and talked about it, but neither of us pushed for anything more. It's a long story but the bottom line is my wife found out months after it was over, and she was devastated. She handed me a list and said, "If you love me and want this to workout, here's what you need to do." She only had one thing on the list: Set up marriage counseling.

    I did. We both went.

    It was not easy; you have to want the marriage to work, and be willing to put in the effort. We both had some changing to do.

    It's been 15 years now and we are still married. I think our marriage is better now than it ever has been. I would never be fool enough to even risk doing something that might cause my wife to consider leaving me. I used up my one chance ... never again.

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