Can a marriage survive??
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My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
isnt this sentence an oxymoron? If your first marriage survived, there wouldnt be a second, no?0 -
It happens every day and people survive it. Personally, I don't see how. I could never forgive that, regardless of the history. That's the BIGGEST betrayal of trust.
Sorry, I have to disagree. There are much bigger betrayals of trust, like spending all your savings on gambling or physical abuse. Those are things you can't look past, ever. Affairs are symptomatic of issues in a relationship - if he doesn't have a history of cheating in his past relationships, it may be very possible to overcome this. It takes a lot of work and dedication from both parties and a true commitment to better communication, but it can be done if you both really, really want it.0 -
yep, all comes down to trust. the thing is he only admitted it because he got CAUGHT. i am pretty sure i couldn'd deal with it long term.0
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It's my experiance that once a cheater, always a cheater. I think some people can change once they've moved on to a new relationship, but if staying in a relationship with someone that cheated on you, they are very likely to cheat again.
Add to that, the stress of wondering, worrying and checking up on a person, I think it's best to move on. Having a child together complicates things. I know that if being a father didn't keep him from cheating, he will again.
I couldn't do it, if for no other reason, than I couldn't look into my daughter's eyes and having her know and then eventually questioning her own relationships.
I'm rambling now and I'm pretty sure you are going to try to make it work anyways. At least get some counseling.0 -
From someone who has been through it....it depends on the couple. We survived it and are stronger for it. Some times you have to fall apart to realize how perfectly you fit together. Best wishes to you and yours. It is a horrible experience.0
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Yes it can but it'll take a lot of hard work and even then it'll never be the same, but it might work0
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Like others have said... it is all about trust. Can you ever trust him again? Trust is a must in any relationship, if he cheated or not.0
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I think every aspect of your lives would have to be an open book to be able to trust. That being said can he handle that and do you want to live like that?0
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You sir, are my hero.I couldn't do it, if for no other reason, than I couldn't look into my daughter's eyes and having her know and then eventually questioning her own relationships.0 -
A marriage can survive an affair. It's not common. I have heard of several surviving, though.
I would suggest going to counseling, though. No matter what. If you love him, work at it if you can trust him... and if he is willing to work at it. But... he has to be willing. Just don't allow him to keep hurting you.0 -
Do you trust him now? If yes, then of course it can survive. If not, then no, it can't.
This!0 -
Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol
That was my thought as well...
MarriageS???My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.0 -
Maybe - there are way too many reasons/issues that can trigger an 'affair'. Sometimes there is something going on deep inside that triggers it and nearly losing everything will be all it takes to start you both back on the same path. However, having been married to a serial cheater - that type never changes - I say proceed with caution.0
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Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol
That was my thought as well...
MarriageS???My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
Not to show any support to that terrible show, but I want to add to this... If rlm were a part of a polygamous lifestyle, that would certainly contribute an interesting perspective to this discussion. It does work, yet infidelity is considered a breach of trust where a polyandrous arrangement does not exist. I would have to say that they are very different concepts.0 -
My father had an affair when my parents had been married about 16 years. He moved out but my mother kept hope and after 10 months he moved back in. It completely changed their relationship. He passed away in 2010 - they had been married for 46 years. My mother has said that in spite of the hurt of the affair, it changed their marriage for the better.
A marriage can survive if both parties are willing to work on what went wrong. You just have to decide what you want and whether or not you can forgive him. If you can't forgive him and let go of it, you will both be miserable. If you can forgive him then you can move forward. Best of luck - forgiveness is difficult but it can be done if he can restore your trust.0 -
It depends on 2 things:
1) Will he truly regret and turn his way around
2) Can you forgive
It takes time to rebuild the trust that has been lost and will not happen over period of short time, might take years for you fully trust him. I think it is worth it, But it has to start with him wanting to repent and change his way. If he continues cheating, it will not work. Before making decision to separate consider for both of you to go to counseling, it helps to have third person addressing issues that are hidden and guide. Even if you decide to stay together, you should seek counseling to address and deal with issues that are hidden.
Some people continue living together in situations like this for economical reasons, because they can't afford to separate. That is, in my opinion, damaging not only to children but to both spouses.
• Where there is no guidance, the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory. (Proverbs 11:14)
• The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel. (Proverbs 12:15)0 -
A few years ago I lost a huge amount of weight and was completely unaware of the effects it could have on those around me and on our marriage. my husband saw the affair coming before I did, but he loved me enough to fight for me. I wasn't prepared for the attention I received from everyone and I reacted badly, especially as I felt that my husband and I were drifting apart. I can quite honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to us. We are now closer than ever. My point is if you want it enough a marriage can survive an affair if both parties truly want it.0
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You vowed to love him 'til death do you part. If there is no verbal/physical abuse and he's asked for forgiveness, lay down the conditions of what it will take for you to forgive him (counseling, having each other's passwords, not speaking to the other person again, etc). If he's serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, he'll agree to the conditions it will take to regain your trust and earn your forgiveness.0
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Do you trust him now? If yes, then of course it can survive. If not, then no, it can't.0
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The problem is trust... Can you ever really trust him again and can you live with and love someone you don't trust?
^This. It can survive, but only if you can trust him again. Only you can decide if you can put it behind you completely and trust him fully again or not.0 -
i have been cheated on, it was a deal breaker BUT we were not married and they were not the person i thought i would spend my life with so it is a bit different. you should be allowed to talk about it! its natural to need to know especially something like this its awful! for me personally in your situation it would depend on things like who? why? how long? and what he was thinking in terms of his marriage. if there were no answers i could accept it would be a no x0
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Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol
That was my thought as well...
MarriageS???My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
Crap! I haven't been back to this thread until now. My keyboard at work is really old and overused and keeps skipping over letters. That is supposed to be "MANY marriages," not "my marriages."
I have never been married even once.0 -
The problem is trust... Can you ever really trust him again and can you live with and love someone you don't trust?
I gotta say this. If my husband ever cheated, the trust would be gone and it'd be toxic. You deserve better. epically if you caught him and he lied. how could you know if that was the only time? I'd move on for you and your daughters' sake. Both of you deserve better. Hope you find the answer you're looking for. Good luck to you.0 -
Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol
That was my thought as well...
MarriageS???My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
Crap! I haven't been back to this thread until now. My keyboard at work is really old and overused and keeps skipping over letters. That is supposed to be "MANY marriages," not "my marriages."
I have never been married even once.
LOL! You made everyone's day.0 -
You vowed to love him 'til death do you part. If there is no verbal/physical abuse and he's asked for forgiveness, lay down the conditions of what it will take for you to forgive him (counseling, having each other's passwords, not speaking to the other person again, etc). If he's serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, he'll agree to the conditions it will take to regain your trust and earn your forgiveness.
Amen. Love is an action, not an emotion. This is when the loving gets tough. ): ****ty but true.
Wish more people would take those vows more seriously.0 -
I am in a situation... My husband had an affair... I caught him. He lied but then finally admitted it. I moved out in August. We have been together for 10 years and married for 8 with a 7 year old daughter. I recently moved back into the house. But in all honesty can a marriage really survive an affair?? I still love him with all my heart and things have changed for the better, but I'm not so sure we can live happy ever after. Advice or stories please!!
It's not about forgiveness and it's not about forgetting, but boils down to - "Do you love him? And how much do you love him? Could you live without him - in your life?" Not your daughter - you.
The mistake would be to return to him - for her and because of her. It has to be you - to him. Then again, you need to identify whether or not he is "present" with you - after the affair. You can't allow yourself to be in a loveless marriage, if he does not love you anymore, but merely finds you convenient. That would be toxic.
Edit: Yours is not an open marriage, nor is it a polyamorous one. He stepped out, you caught him - the how many times he'd engaged in copulation with other women who aren't you - is inconsequential - highly irrelevant. The substance of the situation is - can you live with yourself and him - under the same roof - forever after from this moment - knowing what you know, with the memory of what you'd witnessed? The sense memory, which has the ability to replay on automatic. If not - it might be best to let him go and you'll need to startover. If he wasn't a cheat to start off with, like many women know of their spouses when they choose to marry players, they know that they have to accommodate that - it is an expected faux pas. But in your case - you're stunned - that he did, so you have no choice but to deal and woman up.0 -
Me too, if you had marriages....doesn't that mean that at least one of them didn't survive, unless you're a sister wife maybe lol
That was my thought as well...
MarriageS???My marriages have survived, so yes. You should probably be in marriage counseling if you want it to happen to yours, though.
Crap! I haven't been back to this thread until now. My keyboard at work is really old and overused and keeps skipping over letters. That is supposed to be "MANY marriages," not "my marriages."
I have never been married even once.
LOL! You made everyone's day.
I'm very happy to provide some levity, even unintentionally! lol0 -
I believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater". You said you caught him and then he lied about it, so if he is sorry it is because he got caught. You are worth a lot more than that, and staying with him for the sake of your children will not really benefit them. I am sorry you are going through this
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I have never been in your situation so I can't say what I would do. I *think* I would kick him out, but until faced with a situation ... we have been married for 40 years ...
Everyone makes mistakes - if they learn from their mistake, then that is good.
Things to consider -
maybe he lied because he didn't want you to find out and hurt you?
Did he tell you why he had the affair?
Does he still love you?
Does he want it to work as much as you do?
Do you want it to work as much as he does?
You have a child to think about - will the home be happy if you remain together?
Can you forgive him?
Has he been remorseful?
Good luck - you are a beautiful family and that is worth holding onto and working to maintain.0 -
This.You vowed to love him 'til death do you part. If there is no verbal/physical abuse and he's asked for forgiveness, lay down the conditions of what it will take for you to forgive him (counseling, having each other's passwords, not speaking to the other person again, etc). If he's serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, he'll agree to the conditions it will take to regain your trust and earn your forgiveness.
Exactly.
I got involved in a non-physical affair - seriously, no touching of any kind. I refer to it as an emotional affair in that we both liked each other and talked about it, but neither of us pushed for anything more. It's a long story but the bottom line is my wife found out months after it was over, and she was devastated. She handed me a list and said, "If you love me and want this to workout, here's what you need to do." She only had one thing on the list: Set up marriage counseling.
I did. We both went.
It was not easy; you have to want the marriage to work, and be willing to put in the effort. We both had some changing to do.
It's been 15 years now and we are still married. I think our marriage is better now than it ever has been. I would never be fool enough to even risk doing something that might cause my wife to consider leaving me. I used up my one chance ... never again.0
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