partner is sabotageing
skipidy
Posts: 11
My husband can eat like a 12 year old at a sleepover party and remain extremely small. I try telling him I am addicted to food the same way an alcoholic is to liquor. He does not understand and thinks I have no will power. I'm frustrated to come home from a workout, starving and he brings home pizza and Pepsi for me. He goes out for a burger and brings me home two. Of course I eat it, just because it's there, even though I already ate dinner and snacks. I know he is not purposely trying to make/keep me over weight. He rejects all healthy food and refuses to eat it. Why does he continue to do it even when I cry and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?
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Replies
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Hmmmm. Does he have an investment in you remaining the way you currently are?
Not knowing what you look like, i am hesitant to make any suggestions because you may not be overweight at all, and he may not see a problem with how you are.
If you are genuinely unhealthy and overweight then this does not sound good at all, he is actually sabotaging you. Throw out whatever he brings home as soon as he walks in the door and make a show of it! Explain how in a loving relationship partners support each other to make the best decisions for each other. What about this idea: "'Love' is not a feeling, but an action"- if you can't back the supposed feeling up with action, then what the hell is the point of loving someone?
I spotted this forum, someone asked the same question, thought you might be interested:
http://caloriecount.about.com/forums/weight-loss/husband-doesnt-want-lose-weight-10 -
it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity0 -
i agree that not alot of information make advice hard to give...
he isnt in the same situation as you it sounds like so he might not understand what you are going thru... do you have any friends or family that are?? support from your spouse is great but if he cant see how he is sabotaging you then find some support till he can... not to gang up on him or anything but someone to call when you feel like your going to give in who will give you the advice you need in the moment...0 -
it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity
This0 -
My husband can eat like a 12 year old at a sleepover party and remain extremely small. I try telling him I am addicted to food the same way an alcoholic is to liquor. He does not understand and thinks I have no will power. I'm frustrated to come home from a workout, starving and he brings home pizza and Pepsi for me. He goes out for a burger and brings me home two. Of course I eat it, just because it's there, even though I already ate dinner and snacks. I know he is not purposely trying to make/keep me over weight. He rejects all healthy food and refuses to eat it. Why does he continue to do it even when I cry and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?
1. you DO NOT HAVE to eat it. That's your choice to eat it, not his. He can buy it, you decide to eat it. Don't blame anyone else for that.
2. You DO NOT have will power, otherwise you would easily be able to refuse. SO many times hubby AND son have had pizza here with me right there....I've gone for my normal food instead & felt better for it. Despite the fact I would devour that pizza in an instant. WILLPOWER.
3. You can't force him to eat healthy anymore than he can force you to not. Once again this comes down to YOUR choice.0 -
oh my gosh mine can eat junk and never gain weight, however, while I look at it my belly just grows. My is very supportive though. We he and my Mom have pizza, I come home and make tortilla pizza with lots of veggies!!
So chin up not all men understand where we are coming from for some reason.
Feel free to add me if you like.0 -
I too am addicted to food, hence why I never have more food in the house than I should eat in a day.
An appropriate, one-off reaction might be to just trash the food. Theatrically throw the whole thing in the bin so he can actually see how serious you are about not wanting it.0 -
An appropriate, one-off reaction might be to just trash the food. Theatrically throw the whole thing in the bin so he can actually see how serious you are about not wanting it.
I like that idea, once you've done it a few times it's unlikely he'll want to continue to waste his money.0 -
My husband can eat like a 12 year old at a sleepover party and remain extremely small. I try telling him I am addicted to food the same way an alcoholic is to liquor. He does not understand and thinks I have no will power. I'm frustrated to come home from a workout, starving and he brings home pizza and Pepsi for me. He goes out for a burger and brings me home two. Of course I eat it, just because it's there, even though I already ate dinner and snacks. I know he is not purposely trying to make/keep me over weight. He rejects all healthy food and refuses to eat it. Why does he continue to do it even when I cry and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?
Is he so unsure of your love for him, that he fears if you improve your health and appearrance in the eyes of other men, that he will lose you to one of them? Time for a sit down heart to heart I think.0 -
The issue shouldn't be what you're eating but how much you're eating. Your husband isn't sabotaging anything. If he was buying nothing but sweet potatoes and brown rice, you wouldn't have made this thread.My husband can eat like a 12 year old at a sleepover party and remain extremely small. I try telling him I am addicted to food the same way an alcoholic is to liquor. He does not understand and thinks I have no will power. I'm frustrated to come home from a workout, starving and he brings home pizza and Pepsi for me. He goes out for a burger and brings me home two. Of course I eat it, just because it's there, even though I already ate dinner and snacks. I know he is not purposely trying to make/keep me over weight. He rejects all healthy food and refuses to eat it. Why does he continue to do it even when I cry and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?0 -
Did he bring home food for you before you started trying to lose weight? If so, it could be that giving you food is his way of showing affection, and now that he can't do that anymore, he isn't sure what to do.
Or he could be worried that you might leave him when you lose weight.
It seems to usually be one of those two. In either case, a conversation is in order.0 -
Mine can be this way also. I find that if I tell him he can have it and that I am going to go..(insert activity here)..he will usually have it eaten before I get back. I usually take the dog for a short walk. I have also gotten so I ask him to get me something small or healther when he does go to the drive through, this way he gets to "provide" for me but also not ruin my diet.0
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Crying and throwing the pizza at him doesnt solve anything. It just destroys your relationship. He is your life time partner, he is your husband, not your enemy. Talk, talk and talk. Talk to him until he finds out you are determined to eat healthy and to lose weight. He might not be taking your weight loss attempt seriously right now or he might be thinking you dont have to lose any weight. Be determined and kindly refuse his food and tell him that you dont want to eat junk food any more. You dont have to eat anything that is brought home and when you eat junk food, you should be the one in responsibility because it is your decision, not your husband's. You'll see fast food everywhere, in every occasion. You cant blame others for your weakness.
If you keep eating healthy with determination, your husband will be impressed and you'll see that he'll change his eating habits by time.
Thats what I read somewhere yesterday and I really like it.
Nobody knows what you can do and accomplish better than you. YOU set the limits. YOU are the stopping factor. YOUR determination and dedication are the limitations. Nobody else is stopping you, other people may try to hold you down but only you can allow them to.0 -
I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a minute. Try seeing things from his perspective. He doesn't have an eating problem, he doesn't need to lose weight. Why should he give up all the things he enjoys because you do? You are the one with food issues and are imposing them onto him. Of course he should be a supportive partner, but you should also be able to say no to a slice of pizza. Believe me i am no one to put blame on someone who eats because it's there. I too have this issue. But I am the one with that problem. Should the fit, healthy people in my household be deprived of their sweets because I can't avoid gobbling them up? I don't think so! I need to learn moderation and self-control. I think both of you are a bit at fault here. Him for not being as supportive as he could be and you for overreacting and not considering the effect you have on his lifestyle.0
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it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity
Yeah, that's probably his perception.
Little does he know there are a TON of guys who dig fat chicks.
If he refuses to be supportive, and feels no empathy for you even when his lack of support brings you to tears, I say find a dude out there who will appreciate you at any size and actually support your decisions like a grown up.0 -
An appropriate, one-off reaction might be to just trash the food. Theatrically throw the whole thing in the bin so he can actually see how serious you are about not wanting it.
I like that idea, once you've done it a few times it's unlikely he'll want to continue to waste his money.
Yeah that's not nice. He has the right to eat whatever food he wants.
It's the fact that he's bringing this stuff home specifically for her to eat too that's a problem.
If he were being supportive he'd order a pizza just big enough for himself, etc.0 -
The issue shouldn't be what you're eating but how much you're eating. Your husband isn't sabotaging anything. If he was buying nothing but sweet potatoes and brown rice, you wouldn't have made this thread.
I kinda sorta agree with the above; while your husband still could be sabotaging, losing weight really comes down to portion control. Go ahead and grab yourself a slice, (but only one) dab off the grease with a napkin, eat it slowly and luxuriously, smile at him and walk away. Beat him at his own game so to speak. I guarantee you, your stomach will shrink, and you will crave less once you've trained yourself to eat in moderation. And the best part? You can still eat that sabotaging pizza!
I've lost 34 lbs so far, (almost half way to my goal!) doing just that. Oh, and some exercise.
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This thread brings up a lot of painful emotions for me.
My husband is the SAME (except he is overweight) and when I try to talk to him about not bringing me home junk food he does one of 2 things
Firstly he will deny any wrongdoing (even though this is a recurring problem that we've had for years)
or
Secondly he will get really nasty.
He is determined to sabotage me and it makes me miserable.
So yeah, commiserations - but no advice.0 -
I am a food addict and was obese when I made a decision to live a healthier lifestyle. I joined a support group and it made a huge difference in my life. I still struggle with food choices but lost 44 pounds and I feel great.
A study was done that says most married men are insecure and fear losing their spouse when she starts a weight loss program.
Sit his *kitten* down and talk to him but also hold your accountable for the food choices you make.0 -
my partner is just like this! Hates healthy can eat all the junk he likes because he plays so much football and stays the same.
You just need to stop eating the food.
He thought it was a phase as im very scatterbrianed and flit for idea to idea but once I stopped eating it and he realised I was serious he stopped wasting his money. Simples
He still trys to get me the odd takeaway, sometimes I get it sometimes I dont, but hes stopped just bringing me food home without asking.0 -
I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a minute. Try seeing things from his perspective. He doesn't have an eating problem, he doesn't need to lose weight. Why should he give up all the things he enjoys because you do? You are the one with food issues and are imposing them onto him.
But she's not, she's just asking him to support her in fighting her food issues. He's bringing home food for her to eat, not just for him. He's ignoring her when she asks him not to do that to her, and that's not ok.
OP, could you bring a snack to the gym you could eat on the way home? Just enough to take the edge off so you have a chance to step back from the pizza/pepsi/whatever and take a deep breath and think. I agree wit the other posters, maybe immediately drizzle dish soap over your portion/pour out the pepsi so you're not tempted. I do that if I'm craving chips, I buy a bag, eat a handful and throw the rest out because if they hang around I'll eat them, even if they're cold.
If your husband isn't listening when you tell him that him bringing home unhealthy food is making your life unnecessarily unpleasant, then do just throw it out/render it inedible when he does. (Your own portion, I mean, obviously your husband can eat what he likes.) But if it continues, there's probably other issues behind his refusal to stop, maybe he feels the power balance in your relationship is shifting, and maybe counselling might be an option if he doesn't understand that you're not getting healthy in preparation for leaving him.
To put it another way, if you were trying to give up smoking and he kept bringing home cigarettes for you, I don't think people would be so quick to dismiss his behaviour, so I really think you're justified in being upset about this.0 -
My husband can eat like a 12 year old at a sleepover party and remain extremely small. I try telling him I am addicted to food the same way an alcoholic is to liquor. He does not understand and thinks I have no will power. I'm frustrated to come home from a workout, starving and he brings home pizza and Pepsi for me. He goes out for a burger and brings me home two. Of course I eat it, just because it's there, even though I already ate dinner and snacks. I know he is not purposely trying to make/keep me over weight. He rejects all healthy food and refuses to eat it. Why does he continue to do it even when I cry and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?
1. you DO NOT HAVE to eat it. That's your choice to eat it, not his. He can buy it, you decide to eat it. Don't blame anyone else for that.
2. You DO NOT have will power, otherwise you would easily be able to refuse. SO many times hubby AND son have had pizza here with me right there....I've gone for my normal food instead & felt better for it. Despite the fact I would devour that pizza in an instant. WILLPOWER.
3. You can't force him to eat healthy anymore than he can force you to not. Once again this comes down to YOUR choice.
THIS!!!!0 -
Well, crying and throwing pizza at him is probably a poor place to start.
Like any other relationship issue, I think it's about communication. Before you go for a workout or a meal time (in short at a time not charged with the argument already), look him dead on and say what you need and want. "Listen X, I'm really trying to do this. For me. I know you don't think bringing junk food around is a big deal, and maybe you are even just trying to share something enjoyable, but I really need you to not do this randomly. I need to be able to plan for junky food when I do have it, and I need to avoid it overall. And I need you to take this seriously."
If he's still unsupportive or won't stop buying extra food for you, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship because he's clearly not listening/ is disregarding your wants and needs.0 -
In my experience, men respond badly to tears and emotional outbursts, my man is constantly trying to get me to taste this/ sip that... I think he thinks that I'm on a mission to become super model skinny.
I suggest levelling with him, "Babe I'm already at 1100 calories and I'd planned on eating 300 for supper so I can't have the pizza otherwise I'll be over my limit." You cannot blame your lack of self control on him.0 -
ask him to please give you the money instead of food and you'll buy something nice to wear for him.....YOU DON"T have to eat it.....throw it away and soon he won't bring you junk.....say thanks I told you I can't eat this and throw it in the trash maybe he will get the message.0
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Why do people keep giving this "throw it away" advice!?ask him to please give you the money instead of food and you'll buy something nice to wear for him.....YOU DON"T have to eat it.....throw it away and soon he won't bring you junk.....say thanks I told you I can't eat this and throw it in the trash maybe he will get the message.
Rich people I swear... SMH
He could still eat the leftovers, she doesn't have to throw it away to not eat it!0 -
1. you DO NOT HAVE to eat it. That's your choice to eat it, not his. He can buy it, you decide to eat it. Don't blame anyone else for that.
2. You DO NOT have will power, otherwise you would easily be able to refuse. SO many times hubby AND son have had pizza here with me right there....I've gone for my normal food instead & felt better for it. Despite the fact I would devour that pizza in an instant. WILLPOWER.
3. You can't force him to eat healthy anymore than he can force you to not. Once again this comes down to YOUR choice.
This^^
You say that he refuses to eat healthy food, yeah he probably complains about you trying to force it on him to his pals but he doesn't give in and eat it. NEITHER SHOULD YOU! Hand it straight back to him, say 'Thanks for the thought but that's not how I eat now, next time I'd really appreciate you bringing me home a really nice fresh fruit salad'.
You need to deal with temptations at home because once you get out into the big wide world they're aaaallllllll around you! :ohwell:0 -
Your journey is about YOU. You need to find a way to make it work, in spite of the challenges you face. Yes, it's difficult but it can be done. Plan and prepare your meals as much as you can, and when he brings home two burgers for you tell him no thanks, you already have your meal planned, and throw the burgers away. Perhaps realizing that he is wasting money will get to him
And honestly, unless he's tying you down and forcing this food down your throat, you CAN choose not to eat it. Really, you can. And I wouldn't worry about how he feels about it as he obviously doesn't care about your feelings on the issue.0 -
Sick of reading this post. Hear are my thoughts http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/Faye_Anderson/view/had-to-reblog-this-after-all-the-insensitive-spouse-posts-today-4060700
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In a way, he is correct about the will power. Maybe in his own way, he is trying to help you learn portion control. You shouldn't deprive yourself of pizza and burgers. Just eat a piece of pizza, just eat one burger.... maybe he is trying to teach you self control. I hope this isn't being rude.0
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