partner is sabotageing
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I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a minute. Try seeing things from his perspective. He doesn't have an eating problem, he doesn't need to lose weight. Why should he give up all the things he enjoys because you do? You are the one with food issues and are imposing them onto him. Of course he should be a supportive partner, but you should also be able to say no to a slice of pizza. Believe me i am no one to put blame on someone who eats because it's there. I too have this issue. But I am the one with that problem. Should the fit, healthy people in my household be deprived of their sweets because I can't avoid gobbling them up? I don't think so! I need to learn moderation and self-control. I think both of you are a bit at fault here. Him for not being as supportive as he could be and you for overreacting and not considering the effect you have on his lifestyle.
Please take a look at this. This is really well put.0 -
what i find hilarious is that a lot of people join this website to find support and encouragement. I recently posted something very similar to his and was immediately bombarded with negativity and nastiness. All by people who were once exceptionally obese and are not therapists or nutrition or fitness experts. I find it rather annoying and douchey.
that's all puppies and roses. but support is -- or at least, should be -- given when appropriate. truth, however, is much more important than a pat on the back.
and telling someone the truth, as tough as it might be, is support.
Ehhhh..one can tell the truth and be encouraging and supportive at the same time. No one implied she was searching for a sympathy card and rainbows and glitter. But everyone jumped in her *kitten* with instant negativity. It sucks, you're right she can't blame someone else but to have people instantly be nasty is uncalled for and not the purpose of this website. Encouraging someone who struggles with weight loss shouldn't be told to quit her whining and stop eating. We are all human and make mistakes and clearly a good majority of the people on this website struggle with weight loss and proper diet-how about everyone share how they overcame obstacles in their weight loss journey rather than dog her for having them?
No one is questioning the validity of the point most of you have made, yes she is in charge of what she eats and how she approaches her weight loss-but to be nasty to her is uncalled for and not helpful to anyone trying to lose weight-thats just my own opinion.0 -
Do what I did. My hubby, love him to death, would bring home chocolate cake for us to split (huge piece!). I would cut off my half and go straight to the garbage disposal and down it went. He was shocked the first few times i did that but he has not brought any home in quite a while
. You have to tell yourself its not an option and before you have any time to reconsider, throw it away or in the disposal. He will either quit bringing it home cause its waisted money or he will get mad and you can tell him its your will power kicking in . Either way, its your food and you may do with it what you want, so throw it away. I have the same problem-if its there I will eat it, so take it out of the equation. 0 -
Maybe he is trying to say he loves you exactly the way you are?.. Do not assume the worst.
Tell him... Help me to understand WHY you bring these things home for me when... AND, just don't eat it. I know it is hard...but it is harder when you are beating yourself up.
For my husband.. He thought that I could not possible enjoy going out to eat unless I was eating like a pig. Finally now he understands that I will enjoy myself a whole lot less if I feel defeated. He wants me to be happy. He was simply trying to help me. I'm sure husband is the same way. He married you....he loves you...and he wants only what is best for you... Help him to understnad what that is/means.0 -
It's a bit short sighted to simply say that she's at fault for lacking willpower and eating the burgers.
While that may indeed be true, and specifically *because* it seems to be true, she needs support from her spouse. But rather than get it, she appears to be getting exactly the opposite.
And whether he is intentionally sabotaging or not, he is still sabotaging her efforts. Instead of helping them.
Sabotage has to be purposeful, he is eating foods he likes and she is indulging due to lack of self control. No sabotage there, now if he was forcefeeding her or sneaking shots of olive oil into her drinks to make her stay the same weight or gain that would be sabotage0 -
it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity
It doesn't strike you as incredibly irresponsible to say such a thing when you don't know the people involved?0 -
what i find hilarious is that a lot of people join this website to find support and encouragement. I recently posted something very similar to his and was immediately bombarded with negativity and nastiness. All by people who were once exceptionally obese and are not therapists or nutrition or fitness experts. I find it rather annoying and douchey.
that's all puppies and roses. but support is -- or at least, should be -- given when appropriate. truth, however, is much more important than a pat on the back.
and telling someone the truth, as tough as it might be, is support.
Ehhhh..one can tell the truth and be encouraging and supportive at the same time. No one implied she was searching for a sympathy card and rainbows and glitter. But everyone jumped in her *kitten* with instant negativity. It sucks, you're right she can't blame someone else but to have people instantly be nasty is uncalled for and not the purpose of this website. Encouraging someone who struggles with weight loss shouldn't be told to quit her whining and stop eating. We are all human and make mistakes and clearly a good majority of the people on this website struggle with weight loss and proper diet-how about everyone share how they overcame obstacles in their weight loss journey rather than dog her for having them?
No one is questioning the validity of the point most of you have made, yes she is in charge of what she eats and how she approaches her weight loss-but to be nasty to her is uncalled for and not helpful to anyone trying to lose weight-thats just my own opinion.
oh, you're right. and I don't really think most people on here were being mean or snarky. at least, they weren't trying to.
but too many on this site seem to want enablers ... people to accept their poor behavior. too many want people to tell them they are right, others are wrong. and too many instantly take offense and claim people are being mean when they point out that they are, in fact, not the ones in the right or give them advice against what they've already decided is 'right.'
it sucks to be the recipient of tough love. but often, it's just what we need.0 -
Sabotage has to be purposeful,...
No it doesn't, by definition ("an act or process tending to hamper or hurt").0 -
I don't particularly want to review 6 pages of this, but think semantic debates about whether or not the partner's action count as sabotage or simply non-supportive lose some meaning in the end.
Ask the partner to help you in your efforts by not buying these items specifically for you; naturally he can eat what he likes. It's a reasonable request. Avoidance is an acceptable form of controlling one's actions.
I'll mow through a bag of chips given the chance. There is no "just put some in a dish and put the bag away." That doesn't work for me. It just doesn't. So I buy small bags if I buy chips at all. If it doesn't come in the house, problem solved. I exert willpower when I'm in the store, so I don't have to exert willpower with an open bag of chips in front of me.
If he respects your efforts for healthier eating, there's no reason he shouldn't honor your request to stop buying you food you don't want to eat and have a hard time refusing once it's in front of you. He's basically sacrificing nothing.
Whether or not someone on the internet thinks you should have enough willpower to refuse a delicious slice of cheesy pizza that's in front of you means just exactly nothing. Find reasonable solutions to the problem, and if the partner doesn't want to be reasonable, that's another problem in itself to explore.0 -
You don't need to eat the food. You choose to. He has every right to bring it home, and you have every right not to eat it. If you don't eat it, more than likely he won't bring it home next time.
You are using him as an excuse. Quit it. If you want it bad enough you have to work for it. Not complain about your situation.0 -
Sabotage has to be purposeful,...
No it doesn't, by definition ("an act or process tending to hamper or hurt").
Read right under it
"deliberate subversion"
Everyone faces obstacles in their lives, some make excuses, whine and eventually fail and others overcome them and succeed0 -
Sabotage has to be purposeful,...
No it doesn't, by definition ("an act or process tending to hamper or hurt").
Read right under it
"deliberate subversion"
No, the word has multiple definitions. I was clearly using it in the context which does not require that it be deliberate.
Many words have multiple definitions, and the context in which they are used is how we derive which definition is being employed.
And that's all beside the point, which is that he's being insensitive and uncaring to her her difficulty. He's making it that much harder for her to overcome her addition and weakness. Not ideal in a life partner, is it?0 -
It may be about control. He brings home food he knows you say you don't want to eat, but you eat it anyway. He derives some element of satisfaction from the fact that despite your stated desire to eat better, he can actually control your behavior simply by presenting you with food. My guess is he unwittingly controls other facets of your life as well. If I'm wrong, which I very well may be, then the answer is simply that he's an oblivious A_ _ hole.
Bottom line is, and someone else already said this, YOU choose what you eat. Don't blame your husband. I'm not implying this is easy.0 -
Mine is also this way, although now he has a Thyroid disorder & had gained weight. BUT... he still eats crap, often right in front of me. Case in point - he bought a Cheesecake to eat. A WHOLE cake to eat.... knowing I can't because 1) i'm lactose intolerant and 2) it's too high carb. Didn't stop him... he ate the WHOLE THING for dinner. I tore into him, hard.
I tell my hubbs that I'm not gonna leave because I get skinny. I might add a GF to the picture (he of course had no problem w/ that) but I am tired of hating myself. Of being unhealthy and unhappy. I am trying to get him to come with me to the gym as he is complaining he's gained weight (he's got the cutest little Buddha belly) but he makes up excuses and reasons why he can't.
You can't change other people, only yourself.
If he brings you crap, throw it away. Eat healthy and be happy. He'll either figure it out, stop out of frustration.... or leave (sorry :{ ).
Good luck and keep strong!0 -
It may be about control. He brings home food he knows you say you don't want to eat, but you eat it anyway. He derives some element of satisfaction from the fact that despite your stated desire to eat better, he can actually control your behavior simply by presenting you with food. My guess is he unwittingly controls other facets of your life as well. If I'm wrong, which I very well may be, then the answer is simply that he's an oblivious A_ _ hole.
Bottom line is, and someone else already said this, YOU choose what you eat. Don't blame your husband. I'm not implying this is easy.
I found this a little confusing, it's ok to blame the partner for being a controlling, manipulative, A-hole (there are some assumptions about intent there). We're just not supposed to blame him for stuffing food in her mouth for her?
So either they're both somewhat to blame because she's the one not saying no and he's being manipulative..or what?0 -
I don't know you or your complete situation, but I know mine. I don't think my husband was a mean person or trying to intentionally sabotage me. A lot of our relationship has revolved around eating. He isn't fat but he loves to eat as do I! We spent a lot of time eating out, renting movies and ordering pizza, getting take out, etc... When I decided to get fit he still brought me food and soda because he thought it made me happy (it once did) He wanted to keep that connection as dumb as it sounds and make me happy. I had to let him know my will power sucks and to please not eat that stuff around me because it was hard for me to say no to it. He happily obliged and he eats that stuff when he's out with the kids or at work. I didn't force him to change and he compromised to be kind to me. Talk heart to heart with your husband.0
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I don't particularly want to review 6 pages of this, but think semantic debates about whether or not the partner's action count as sabotage or simply non-supportive lose some meaning in the end.
Ask the partner to help you in your efforts by not buying these items specifically for you; naturally he can eat what he likes. It's a reasonable request. Avoidance is an acceptable form of controlling one's actions.
I'll mow through a bag of chips given the chance. There is no "just put some in a dish and put the bag away." That doesn't work for me. It just doesn't. So I buy small bags if I buy chips at all. If it doesn't come in the house, problem solved. I exert willpower when I'm in the store, so I don't have to exert willpower with an open bag of chips in front of me.
If he respects your efforts for healthier eating, there's no reason he shouldn't honor your request to stop buying you food you don't want to eat and have a hard time refusing once it's in front of you. He's basically sacrificing nothing.
Whether or not someone on the internet thinks you should have enough willpower to refuse a delicious slice of cheesy pizza that's in front of you means just exactly nothing. Find reasonable solutions to the problem, and if the partner doesn't want to be reasonable, that's another problem in itself to explore.
Exactly. She's asked him not to bring food for her, she said nothing about not eating it himself, he's refused to listen to a perfectly reasonable request. That's what the problem is.0 -
First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage. He's not only tossing greasy fast food in her face, but I guarantee he's making her feel guilty if she doesn't eat it. This isn't about willpower to avoid greasy fast food being shoved in your face in your own home, which should be your sanctuary; if she doesn't eat it, his probably sulks and gets back at her in another way. OP said they don't have money to waste on this food, hubby knows she's dieting, he routinely makes negative comments about "fat chicks being gross," by which he's implying that if OP gains weight he's not going to love her anymore. When a husband does something to a wife, knowing its causing her stress, that's actually abuse; this is not something that's going to be stopped by talking about it. OP and her husband have already talked this to death. He's not changing. He's enjoying the power he has over her.
Abuse is defined by how it affects the receiver of it it. Not by how you think it would affect you. Because there is a 360 atmosphere around emotional abuse which is hard to describe in a short MFP posting.
I recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" you can buy it at half.com, amazon, any place that books are sold, or borrow it from your library. It is AWESOME on sabotage.
In this case, it would be psychological abuse and the only solution is to draw a line in concrete stating it is unacceptable to make abusive comments and any other psychologically abusive behaviors. If the line is crossed, the solution is simple... leave. If the person doesn't leave, then they must come to terms that they chose to be in an abusive relationship and accept the consequences of that abuse.
You can not force other people to change, only you can change yourself.0 -
Why do people keep giving this "throw it away" advice!?ask him to please give you the money instead of food and you'll buy something nice to wear for him.....YOU DON"T have to eat it.....throw it away and soon he won't bring you junk.....say thanks I told you I can't eat this and throw it in the trash maybe he will get the message.
Rich people I swear... SMH
He could still eat the leftovers, she doesn't have to throw it away to not eat it!
you think fast food is expensive? have you priced being morbidly obese lately?
She said her husband is *NOT* obese.
i'm not talking about the husband...i'm talking about her. if you continue to eat crappy fast food you will get fat. fact.0
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