partner is sabotageing
Replies
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Just like you can't make him eat brussle sprouts he can't make you eat pizza.
Brussel Sprouts are sooooo good.
I may have to put them on a pizza to see if it's a match.0 -
Why do people keep giving this "throw it away" advice!?ask him to please give you the money instead of food and you'll buy something nice to wear for him.....YOU DON"T have to eat it.....throw it away and soon he won't bring you junk.....say thanks I told you I can't eat this and throw it in the trash maybe he will get the message.
Rich people I swear... SMH
He could still eat the leftovers, she doesn't have to throw it away to not eat it!
Agreed! I will always give food to someone else rather than throw it out. It must be nice to have so much cash that you can be so wasteful! :ohwell:
Throwing it out sends a specific message and serves a purpose beyond simply getting rid of the food.0 -
...and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?
Ummmm... maybe you need to stop acting like a child and throwing pizza at your husband? It's no ones fault but your own. Stop blaming him.0 -
My husband has lost 170 pounds and with his level of exercise he can fit things into his diet that I can't. For example *although I am highly against any fast food* he brought home a smaller pizza one night. He reached a goal and his treat was pizza. Was there a piece for me? Sure was. Did I Eat it? Nope. He took it to work the next day. As he sat there eating that cheesy meat filled deliciousness I was eating a whole wheat wrap with grilled chicken and veggies. I felt better and still had the willpower to say to him "ya know, that looks F*cking delicious, however, I can't afford those calories today".
Your mouth, Your hands, Your body, Your decision. When he is holding you down shoving burgers into your mouth, we'll talk.0 -
<snip>
Say he brought home Cocaine or Heroin, would you have to consume that too?
Not the heroin, no. :smokin:0 -
Why do people keep giving this "throw it away" advice!?ask him to please give you the money instead of food and you'll buy something nice to wear for him.....YOU DON"T have to eat it.....throw it away and soon he won't bring you junk.....say thanks I told you I can't eat this and throw it in the trash maybe he will get the message.
Rich people I swear... SMH
He could still eat the leftovers, she doesn't have to throw it away to not eat it!
you think fast food is expensive? have you priced being morbidly obese lately?
She said her husband is *NOT* obese.0 -
First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage.
No we don't.
Gotta agree with the man with the abs. It's not clear, deliberate sabotage.0 -
First, you need to make a commitment to you. Tell him thanks for thinking of you, but no thank you. Eventually he will get tired of seeing you throw out the money he is spending (or just give it back to him so he can have it for lunch tomorrow - throwing away food is hard).
Second I highly recommend finding some reading materials on food addictions and compulsive eating disorders. There are not only some good books, but also some great articles that are short enough that you can perhaps share with him. Stay away from things by quacks and look specifically in medical journals.
Thirdly, if you can, ask him to see a dietician or nutritionist with you - FOR YOU. You are not asking him to change his habits unless he wants to, but to help you with yours so you can be healthy so you can be together longer.
Good luck it is hard battle when you are only fighting yourself - but now you are fighting him too!0 -
First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage.
No, we don't. :smokin:0 -
I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a minute. Try seeing things from his perspective. He doesn't have an eating problem, he doesn't need to lose weight. Why should he give up all the things he enjoys because you do? You are the one with food issues and are imposing them onto him.
But she's not, she's just asking him to support her in fighting her food issues. He's bringing home food for her to eat, not just for him. He's ignoring her when she asks him not to do that to her, and that's not ok.
OP, could you bring a snack to the gym you could eat on the way home? Just enough to take the edge off so you have a chance to step back from the pizza/pepsi/whatever and take a deep breath and think. I agree wit the other posters, maybe immediately drizzle dish soap over your portion/pour out the pepsi so you're not tempted. I do that if I'm craving chips, I buy a bag, eat a handful and throw the rest out because if they hang around I'll eat them, even if they're cold.
If your husband isn't listening when you tell him that him bringing home unhealthy food is making your life unnecessarily unpleasant, then do just throw it out/render it inedible when he does. (Your own portion, I mean, obviously your husband can eat what he likes.) But if it continues, there's probably other issues behind his refusal to stop, maybe he feels the power balance in your relationship is shifting, and maybe counselling might be an option if he doesn't understand that you're not getting healthy in preparation for leaving him.
To put it another way, if you were trying to give up smoking and he kept bringing home cigarettes for you, I don't think people would be so quick to dismiss his behaviour, so I really think you're justified in being upset about this.
very wise comment!0 -
Everytime I see posts like this it make's me think if I were to blame my weight/fitness problems on my 7 year old for loving french fries, Mcdonalds, and candy so much! I swear that little person is out to get me and is sabotoging my life!!!!
-->Pretty ridiculous.0 -
Maybe he just simply, doesn't have a depth of understanding about it. I'd advise going to a doctor/dietician, and bring him with you. Have them explain the dangers of unhealthy eating habits to him.
With a lot of men, unfortunately, they need to hear it from someone else before they will believe you.
Thankfully my hubby is, now, very supportive and always tells me how proud he is of me, and he does whatever he can to help. But it took awhile for him to come around.0 -
Everytime I see posts like this it make's me think if I were to blame my weight/fitness problems on my 7 year old for loving french fries, Mcdonalds, and candy so much! I swear that little person is out to get me and is sabotoging my life!!!!
-->Pretty ridiculous.0 -
Instead of Pepsi..ask him to bring you a diet Pepsi.
If he brings pizza..just get one slice..the small slice
If he stops at a fast food drive thru..just get a jr sized burger.
It really is all about choosing smaller portions...everytime.
Your hubby enjoys feeding you..so, suggest a date night. Go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for a healthy, sexy dinner..fish, or shrimp..bright peppers..mushrooms..ANYTHING that you two can prepare TOGETHER.
He's still feeding you...you're allowing him to...and you're both getting what you want.
Dont alienate him..and dont take your frustrations out on him. He hasn't changed..YOU have. He's not doing anything now that he wasn't doing BEFORE you decided to lose weight.
Instead of throwing pizza at him....REWARD him everytime he does something to support your diet.
When he brings a salad home.....kiss him.
When he orders a small pizza for the two of you to SHARE..surprise him with a quickie.
Trust me...if he knows he'll get these rewards everytime..he'll look for ways to support your diet.0 -
Everytime I see posts like this it make's me think if I were to blame my weight/fitness problems on my 7 year old for loving french fries, Mcdonalds, and candy so much! I swear that little person is out to get me and is sabotoging my life!!!!
-->Pretty ridiculous.My husband can eat like a 12 year old at a sleepover party and remain extremely small. I try telling him I am addicted to food the same way an alcoholic is to liquor. He does not understand and thinks I have no will power. I'm frustrated to come home from a workout, starving and he brings home pizza and Pepsi for me. He goes out for a burger and brings me home two. Of course I eat it, just because it's there, even though I already ate dinner and snacks. I know he is not purposely trying to make/keep me over weight. He rejects all healthy food and refuses to eat it. Why does he continue to do it even when I cry and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?
1. you DO NOT HAVE to eat it. That's your choice to eat it, not his. He can buy it, you decide to eat it. Don't blame anyone else for that.
2. You DO NOT have will power, otherwise you would easily be able to refuse. SO many times hubby AND son have had pizza here with me right there....I've gone for my normal food instead & felt better for it. Despite the fact I would devour that pizza in an instant. WILLPOWER.
3. You can't force him to eat healthy anymore than he can force you to not. Once again this comes down to YOUR choice.
Agree! It's not sabotage. It's not him. Seriously, two burgers on top of dinner and snacks and he is the one doing wrong?0 -
it is always easier to blame someone else for our failures than to accept the fact that we, in fact, failed ourselves.0
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it is always easier to blame someone else for our failures than to accept the fact that we, in fact, failed ourselves.0
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I didn't read all of the other answers but I know that my husband brings home junk food when there is no other food in the house. Why don't you ask him to be involved in the meal planning, ask him to make a list of dinners he would like you to make. He might be less likely to bring home junk if he knows you have a dinner waiting for him, especially if it was something he wanted. Then you can control the portions that you eat, and throw in veggies and things too. Once you do this for a while maybe he will be trained enough to just come home and eat whatever it is you make, even if it is healthy. Make sure he has snacks for him at home too, so he doesn't go out to buy junk food and bring you back some. I ask my husband if he wants anything specific from the grocery store. Slowly over time my hubby became less addicted to fast food and junk food and will now eat any dinner or snacks that I give him. AS LONG as there is food waiting for him. If I don't have food prepared for him, he will immediately go and buy fast food, because sadly he is just too lazy to cook anything himself.0
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I've found self control and a little damn discipline in your body works. Stop making excuses for why you eat. You eat because YOU have no self control. Everybody is being too nice saying "oh maybe your husband blah blah blah blah". Wrong. You.0
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it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity
^^ This could be very real. Happened to my aunt. Her husband thought she was too pretty, so he found ways to make her gain weight. Now she's probably around 250-280 pounds.0 -
what i find hilarious is that a lot of people join this website to find support and encouragement. I recently posted something very similar to his and was immediately bombarded with negativity and nastiness. All by people who were once exceptionally obese and are not therapists or nutrition or fitness experts. I find it rather annoying and douchey.
Yes there are valid points to be made, you are the controller of what is put into your mouth-you decide what you eat and if you exercise. But yea it sucks *kitten* when your partner doesn't even try to help and is not in any hurry to get on the boat with you. I understand your frustration-you can only control you. maybe you making your changes will encourage him to make his-maybe not. But take some time to focus on you and how you are going to reach your goals, everything else will fall into place.0 -
I've found self control and a little damn discipline in your body works. Stop making excuses for why you eat. You eat because YOU have no self control. Everybody is being too nice saying "oh maybe your husband blah blah blah blah". Wrong. You.0
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what i find hilarious is that a lot of people join this website to find support and encouragement. I recently posted something very similar to his and was immediately bombarded with negativity and nastiness. All by people who were once exceptionally obese and are not therapists or nutrition or fitness experts. I find it rather annoying and douchey.
that's all puppies and roses. but support is -- or at least, should be -- given when appropriate. truth, however, is much more important than a pat on the back.
and telling someone the truth, as tough as it might be, is support.0 -
If you have close friends or family that supports you and that are his friends as well, maybe you can have a family meeting of sorts to discuss this. Sometimes hearing from someone else regarding your frustration make the difference. Or the next time you go to your doctors ask him to come and maybe if he hears it from the doctors that may help.
If you keep throwing away the food he brings in, he will realize the money he's wasting and maybe start getting a clue. All in all this is done and he still do it, then you need to find out why he's purposely doing it. Maybe he have a self esteem problem and your the one that makes him look good...
I know that's it hard but when it comes down to it, you are responsible for what you eat. Call a neighbor and tell them you have a gift for them and give them your treat. This is just like your addicted to crack and your husband keep putting the pipe in your face after you left rehab....
Good luck with everything.0 -
My husband can eat like a 12 year old at a sleepover party and remain extremely small. I try telling him I am addicted to food the same way an alcoholic is to liquor. He does not understand and thinks I have no will power. I'm frustrated to come home from a workout, starving and he brings home pizza and Pepsi for me. He goes out for a burger and brings me home two. Of course I eat it, just because it's there, even though I already ate dinner and snacks. I know he is not purposely trying to make/keep me over weight. He rejects all healthy food and refuses to eat it. Why does he continue to do it even when I cry and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?
I know it is not easy, but it is all about the will power... I will be the first to say I am lacking in it especially when someone brings me a pizza or a burger, but maybe try some portion control. And if it were me bringing home the food, I most certainly would eat whatever you did not finish, can't say for sure what your husband would do but I would like to think he would also do the clean-up.
On another note, Crying and throwing the pizza at your husband most certainly will not help. - I honestly see no need what so ever for this type of behavior. - I am by no means attempting to attack or put you down in anyway, but saying that your husband acts as a 12 year old and then going ahead to describe your own actions as crying and throwing pizza at him when he brings you home dinner. I would look in the mirror before I blame someone else.
My main deterrent to my own personal weight loss is how much I eat and what it is.
Sure it is much easier to go ahead and blame my girlfriend, roommate, or family members but when it comes down to it, I have no one to blame but myself. They didn't force feed me the Family size meal from Domino's. I knew what and how much I was eating was going to negatively affect my weight loss and had no one to blame but myself.
Unless your being forced, don't throw blame on someone else.
Also, - I did not read any other follow up posts - so I apologize if something has been said since the original post that contradicts what I have said. And I apologize for any misinterpretations of this comment being of attacking or negative status.0 -
Ok, so i am going to throw my two cents in. My husband loved (and still loves) fast food and all types of junk food. With this being said, when he wants fast food, i say "you want it, ok, but I am not eating it." and i don't usually (recently i finally broke down and allowed myself to have some fried chicken, i only had one piece and very proudly can say that, and i did have leftover chicken for a couple days this week, thank God its gone), so he will get whatever, and when we get home, i fix some type of veggie medley and there you go. And once a week, i make some kind of "bad treat" but that is so he will have something sweet, and I disciplined myself to know that i can only have one per day or else. My husband also doesn't work out, so i am alone.
But moral point here: you have to be the one to want this change: you really do, because if not then what will change? You have to communicate it to him. My husband at first wasn't so supportive and tried everything (even putting the mattress in the living room down so i couldn't work out. we sleep downstairs during the summer because its cooler) but once he saw how much happier i was and that my body is reshaping and that i wasn't going to leave him, he started supporting me a lot more. but it didn't stop me, and it won't because i am not going to leave my son without a mom like i was left without at 20 (my mom passed away at the age of 57 due to a massive heart attack and copd with emphysema as well as fighting anal and possible ovarian cancer) Also, thankfully he likes having home cooked meals, and while he kinda bites on the portion control (he thinks that splitting half of everything is one serving) that will come with time and my son eats like a man so i split dinner with him and whatever he doesn't eat, and i don't eat becomes lunch for the hubby the next day :bigsmile:0 -
Whatever the reason he is doing this, I would make the suggesting that you be proactive. Know ahead of time that he will do this and don't let it take you by surprise. For me it is surprises that make the worst diet days. If I know junk food is coming I plan ahead. So have a plan. Don't be hungry when you come home from the gym take carrots or a recovery protein with you.
Next time he brings in pizza... bring out the flower vase and dunk it in the water. Saying, sweetly with a smidge of sarcasm, look how lovely you spent money on something I can enjoy for days instead of regret for days. Then say (not scream) that flowers would have been a better choice.
Next time he brings in the burgers and fries... stick them in you ears and talk about the lovely earrings/accessories he bought that you can enjoy for years to come - and then explain (not cry) that you are working to add years to your life and would rather him bring you something that last longer than 5 to 10 minutes.
This is the stinger. Inconsistent communication will not get your point across. If you say one thing (I don't want the food) but do another (eat the pizza like you haven't eaten in days) you are giving him mixed messages. He sees that he brings you something and it satisfies a need (hunger)... this doesn't make mean, just unable negotiate the difference between what he hears and what he sees. Willpower is extremely difficult to develop for the addict. If he will not be your support, you must reach out to a support group.0 -
My boyfriend can eat like your husband and stay skinny too, and he also refuses anything he thinks might be healthy unless I wait until after I've cooked it and he has approved before I tell him that it's healthy. I would suggest letting him take the food he brings for you in his lunches for the next few days so it doesn't go to waste, and sternly tell him that you're trying to make healthier choices. All that fat and sodium is terrible for you anyway and you don't have to be overweight to be unhealthy. I would suggest making homemade meals a few nights per week for both of you. My man would never survive without bar food at least once or twice a week, but I've found ways to make his favorite foods with modifications that are healthy for both of us, save me calories, and he doesn't even know it! There are some great websites out there like www.skinnytaste.com and http://delainesskinnydelights.blogspot.com/ that have really great recipes, and you can google modifications for his favorite recipes as well and he doesn't even have to know you're using healthier ingredients.
I know people say it's expensive to buy the healthy food, but in all reality it's actually a lot cheaper than eating out and it goes further and you'll feel better about yourself as well. Even making these changes a few nights a week will help. I really do feel ya on this one and it is pretty frustrating at first, but slowly I'm finding ways to make it work in a way that he can eat food he likes and I can keep off the weight I've worked so hard to lose. No one is perfect in every aspect, but he's really pretty great in most other ways, and I'm sure yours is too
Hope this helps and good luck with your journey! 0 -
It's a bit short sighted to simply say that she's at fault for lacking willpower and eating the burgers.
While that may indeed be true, and specifically *because* it seems to be true, she needs support from her spouse. But rather than get it, she appears to be getting exactly the opposite.
And whether he is intentionally sabotaging or not, he is still sabotaging her efforts. Instead of helping them.0 -
One of the most important things I learned in OA is never to make someone else responsible for your food.
YOU are responsible for your food. It's so easy to blame a partner for your decisions.
Also, it's not a good idea to treat yourself like a garbage disposal. It's OK not to eat things just because they are there.
It takes practice and support, plus baby steps, and you can learn to do it.
Example: when you see the pizza, eat one slice, put the rest in a ziploc bag and place the bag in the fridge.
Baby steps.
One slice, as long as you know you will be eating it, doesn't ruin a day's eating.
Hope this helps - please feel free to add me!0
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