partner is sabotageing
Replies
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it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity
:laugh:0 -
it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity
*facepalm*0 -
it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity
Oh and this^^^ *cough cough* Bullsh!t. Have a nice day.0 -
You probably will not like what I am about to say, but there are two ways to look at the situation.
If you have a problem with willpower, then reason to lose weight and get healthy is not strong enough. You need to find your own "why" and stick to it no matter what. Putting the blame on someone else because you chose to eat what is put in front of you is ridiculous. It is only another excuse.
Supposing some guy on the street gave me gun and told me there was millions for the taking inside the bank vault? Do you think the police would care that "I had no willpower" to say NO to robbing the bank? Just as I would tell the guy to go fly a kite, you need to take control of yourself and accept the consequences of the choices you make.
Just after 9/11, I went through a personal transformation, went to weight watchers and by 2004 had lost 110 pounds. It was not easy because I did have sabotage from a *kitten*. It wasn't the man bringing food into the house, but actually going into the kitchen and tampering with my portioned food. This is a man who I caught taking regular salad dressing and putting it in Fat Free salad dressing bottles, swapping the splenda with sugar, and other extreme methods to break my will. What does this say about the man?
The guy had a real problem with me becoming my own person and he could not accept my own personal transformation.
Weight loss is more than shedding pounds when you have more than 50 pounds to shed. It is about why you gained the weight and what was the food replacing in your life. As you lose weight, you build new confidence and control. When I lost weight, I was promoted in my company, started believing in my own capabilities, and opportunities I never dreamed of started happening. People that do not approach weight loss to diagnose the reason (medical or psychological) are not necessarily positioned for long term success.
The problem in my case was the guy was a complete loser who hid the fact he lost his cushy Wall Street job and his life was tanking while I was gaining control and having tremendous success. I confronted his lies and called him out until the day I threw him out because I was tired of being disrespected and I found out he was involved with a group of hackers committing identity theft and I wanted no part of it. The problem is, the guy needed the control and I took it away from him and it wasn't pretty. I had to go through restraining orders and eventually he fled the state to avoid prosecution. So please, I hear sabotage and I expect lots of drama not someone deciding to bring home a pizza.
If you have a partner that truly is committing sabotage, speaking disrespectful, or taking actions that are abusive.. leave or throw them out on their backside. Save yourself a headache down the road. You can not expect them to change, you can not fix them and you are wasting time if you think you can. You can be supportive and encouraging, but ultimately everyone acts they way they want to act. This includes a partner that chooses to be disrespectful, or the food choices a person makes or the choice to exercise or not.
The world has too much to offer to be tied to someone who does not respect you. If the problem lies with you and you are unable to stand your ground, I would consider counseling to find your voice and to grow your confidence. A disinterested third party can often put things in perspective that family and those close to you just can not do.0 -
This isn't about him or what he's doing. This is about you. He is not forcing you physically or emotionally to eat (I hope). You are choosing to eat and making excuses. STOP IT.
You can still eat what he brings home and lose weight. You can choose your own foods and lose weight. You can prepare your own meals and still lose weight.
DO IT.0 -
1) you cannot blame him for you eating the food. He merely brings the food home, that doesn't mean he forces you to eat it - you make the decision, you're a grown woman.
2) you cannot say that you don't lack will power, you do. Just because pizza etc. is there it does not mean you have to eat it.
yup. maybe, if he truly understood what you are trying to do, he wouldn't bring them home. spell it out for him.
if he does bring it home, still? don't eat it. if you do? well, at that point and time, losing weight isn't as important to you as eating. and you know, that's OK now and then I think. it's good. healthy, even. but if it happens as a rule? then you aren't really ready to lose/get healthy yet. and that's no one's fault but yours.0 -
Sounds like the two of you need to have a serious talk about restructuring your meal plans. It can be incredibly difficult to have a great day - eating healthy, fitting in exercise - and then blow it at the very end by eating or drinking something impulsively. It sort of makes you feel like a failure and want to give up.
Eventually you will either get sick of feeling like that and become determined to restructure the day and make a better plan with him about how meals will go, or you'll just keep chasing your tail. It probably means you two will have to start cooking more of your own meals and planning ahead. He has to know that you're struggling with your self control about foods (because it can be a very emotional thing) and you two have to work with each other, but you have to make a dedication to work on it.
It's doable, but just like any other impulse or addiction, you have to truly want to change the situation. If you can't trust your response around the food then you should try to limit your exposure as much as possible.0 -
... Of course I eat it, just because it's there,...
Stop blaming others. You do not have to eat anything just because it's there.0 -
Sure he brought it home....but you are still CHOOSING to eat it.
This is your battle, not his. Yes, you need to really speak up about how he can support you...but if he doesn't have the same goals as you food wise, then it is on you to toughen up and stop acting the victim.
This is not easy. It is not fun saying no. But you have to learn to do it. If it isn't him that you feel is sabotaging you, it will be someone else...mom, friend, coworker etc.
Willpower doesn't just happen, many times. You have to work at it.
Exactly this.
You are not helpless. You are not without control if you really want to have it.0 -
I, too, am addicted to food. Without it, I would surely die.0
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My husband can eat like a 12 year old at a sleepover party and remain extremely small. I try telling him I am addicted to food the same way an alcoholic is to liquor. He does not understand and thinks I have no will power. I'm frustrated to come home from a workout, starving and he brings home pizza and Pepsi for me. He goes out for a burger and brings me home two. Of course I eat it, just because it's there, even though I already ate dinner and snacks. I know he is not purposely trying to make/keep me over weight. He rejects all healthy food and refuses to eat it. Why does he continue to do it even when I cry and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?
I am in the same boat, sista!!! I feel your pain!!!
When I complain about his sabotage, he responds with " I love you just the way you are".. Thanks but that does NOTHING for my fat *kitten*!!!!!
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He's not sabotaging you. He's learned what you like and brings you what you like. You eat it. If he brought home Pizza and Pepsi and you made a conscience choice to NOT eat it he would eventually see that he could downsize what he brings home and he can eat it and you will fend for yourself.
If he brings home 2 burgers for you, why do you have to eat both? Di you have to eat the bun? If you know he is bringing food home can't you make a choice in what he brings for YOU?
Accountability, responsibility, choice. You have a choice in your health. Choosing to eat what he brings you is your responsibility.
As for him eating like a 12 yr old at a sleepover and staying small, it isn't about the weight. If he is eating unhealthy constantly he may be small but eventually he could end up with health problems.
Lastly, my husband eats HORRIBLY. It's his choice. However, I take the lead to cook healthy food, he eats it. If he brings home a pizza I eat it. I won't restrict myself. If he is bringing home burgers, well he knows I'm stripping it almost bare and adding a salad to the side.
Choices. No blame. Choices.0 -
WTF! WHY WOULD YOU WASTE PIZZA!!!0
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Be strong. You've made a decision because it is important to you to take care of your body with nutrition. Protect your integrity and stay firm. Some people feel personally threatened when you make a decision like that as if you're telling them they're making mistakes by not joining you. Don't judge him negatively, and don't try to force your way on him (not implying that you are), just don't do anything to make his way of life feel threatened.
If he brings home pizza for you or burgers, tell him it's great that he has left overs for tomorrow. Don't make an argument about it. Eventually he'll realize he's just wasting his money and not making anyone happy.
Saturated fats, sugar, and salt do have a more more more effect on the body. If you muscle through not eating them for two weeks you will no longer have much interest in them. If you want to call that an addiction go right ahead. It does take will power to get over an addiction. You can't blame your eating on the addiction. Blaming won't get you anywhere. It won't even make you feel better. It only gains you some sympathy and understanding, and what good is that to your health?
Hold strong. Women so often put the wants of their family ahead of their own. Keep your integrity and do this for you. Refuse to enter into argument about it and eventually he'll get used to this new environment.
Good luck.0 -
I bet if you stop eating the pizzas and cheeseburgers he brings home, he will stop bringing them home.
This.
And...
Just because he brings home food, doesn't mean that he wants to make/keep you "fat" so he can feel more secure. If that is the case, you have a MUCH bigger problem than just food. And everyone who automatically jumps to that conclusion having never met him, and going off of one paragraph on the internet, actually makes me wonder about their relationship choices. Sad, really, that this is the first thing that pops in a persons mind.
A lot of men are dense. If I bring home food for my wife and she eats it, I'm bringing home food again. If I bring home food and it just sits there, and I ask why she's not eating it and she says she's already eating, she's making different food choices, then most likely I won't bring home food for her again unless she asks me.
Advice, since you asked...don't eat the food. Don't cry. Don't get mad. Don't go all bat-crap crazy on him. Simply, don't eat the food.0 -
First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage. He's not only tossing greasy fast food in her face, but I guarantee he's making her feel guilty if she doesn't eat it. This isn't about willpower to avoid greasy fast food being shoved in your face in your own home, which should be your sanctuary; if she doesn't eat it, his probably sulks and gets back at her in another way. OP said they don't have money to waste on this food, hubby knows she's dieting, he routinely makes negative comments about "fat chicks being gross," by which he's implying that if OP gains weight he's not going to love her anymore. When a husband does something to a wife, knowing its causing her stress, that's actually abuse; this is not something that's going to be stopped by talking about it. OP and her husband have already talked this to death. He's not changing. He's enjoying the power he has over her.
Abuse is defined by how it affects the receiver of it it. Not by how you think it would affect you. Because there is a 360 atmosphere around emotional abuse which is hard to describe in a short MFP posting.
I recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" you can buy it at half.com, amazon, any place that books are sold, or borrow it from your library. It is AWESOME on sabotage.0 -
I was having a problem with this. Only it was VERY clear my husband was doing it to be a jerk, and admitted such. So, I would always look at my calories, and then eat a portion of what he brought me, only as much as I could allow for my daily intake, and throw the rest out. Or if I was too close, I would just throw it out automatically or let the kids pick at it. Now he will go out of his way to make sure he brings me a salad or hits subway if he is getting take out.0
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Just like you can't make him eat brussle sprouts he can't make you eat pizza.0
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Practice saying this over and over - No thank you. I don't want (insert food name here)
Plan out what it is that you want to do. Make sure your calorie allotment is reasonable for your height and weight and make sure you eat foods you enjoy. Then say no thank you to the stuff that isn't in your plan. Unless he starts opening your mouth and physically shoving the food in for you, you are making the choices, not him.0 -
First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage.
No we don't.0 -
Let me start off by saying that when I read this post, all I could think is that I've been here before. My fiance has always been able to eat whatever and not gain anything. I always joke and say that he can eat 5 cupcakes and lose 5 pounds, while all I do is LOOK at a cupcake and gain 10!
However, he never understood when I said that if the food is there, I'll eat it. I'm glutenous like nobody's business. It's like somebody would just wipe the fact that I'm trying to eat less and/or better from my brain until after I completely finish off a supersized BigMac, French Fries, and Large Coke. We both work in restaurants, which makes it very easy to acquire food at any given time and he always has a habit of bringing me home food at the end of the night because it's just going to be thrown out. And, of course, it's always the good stuff, like pasta, or cheeseburgers, or whatever. I never wanted to make him feel bad by saying I didn't want it, because he went through the trouble of cooking and bringing it home for me. But it made me feel bad and that's not any better.
So one night, I sat him down, and I told him. I told him everything. I told him how much I appreciate him doing all of this to bring me dinner and such, but I told him how much it hurt me afterward to have disappointed myself over and over again by giving in. He had the initial "Well if you're not hungry, don't eat it... Nobody is forcing it down your throat" stance, but either way, he stopped bringing food home unless I asked. And even then, he reminds me that if I am really wanting to lose this weight, that it won't be a good idea for him to bring food home because he won't be home until 1030ish and I don't need to eat that late. He might not understand why I feel like I can't control it, or why I consider it an "addiction," but he doesn't want me to hurt. Since then, he's been substituting my Cokes for Coke Zeros and water, and reminding me that I don't need to eat some chips while watching TV at night. It's been great.
So I would just sit your husband down and explain to him calmly that you don't want him to bring you these foods. Tell him that it hurts you to disappoint yourself everytime when you give in. And whether or not he thinks its because you're not strong-willed, as a husband he should support your need and your request. Remind him that this will make a happier you, and a happier you means a happier him.
Good luck!0 -
WTF! WHY WOULD YOU WASTE PIZZA!!!
Finally a voice of reason in this lawless Sahara.0 -
it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity
I agree with this^0 -
you're responsible for you own decisions. This is a pact between you adn your body and your mind. There's no husband in there. He has his own body.0
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I have a husband like yours: toothpick thin; always has been, always will be (currently standing at 6'5" and 172-ish lbs. fully clothed and dripping wet). It is easy to view his "thoughtfulness" in food choices as a malicious attack on my efforts to lose weight, when in reality, he just doesn't understand because he's never been where we are; he's never had to diet, he's never known the annoyance of "hanging on to those last 15 lbs.," he's never been "fat." To him, food is nothing more than something to sustain and to enjoy, because to him, that's all it has to be, there's no threat involved.
When it comes to your husband's food offerings, remember you always have the choice to eat less or none at all. I have made it a rule to eat only half as much as my husband, all factors considered (female vs. male, short vs. tall, snail's-pace metabolism vs. cheeta's-pace, etc.) I simply cannot -- or rather, should not -- eat everything he eats.
Commiserations from a fellow food addict with skinny hubby.
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my family had fried chicken and french fries last night thanks to my husbands cooking. I had grape tomatos and fixed myself a new chicken recipie that was awful so I tossed that out LOL, and although I WANTED that yummy fried chicken. I had a bowl of cereal. Moral is you dont have to eat it, my husband buys me my favorite candy, I will eat one and throw the rest out. If you cannot leave it alone get rid of it. I can take a bite and toss it. Or ask him, can you bring me home a salad instead of a burger or pizza. It is okay to eat them, in moderation. If you cant do it in moderation then dont eat it.0
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First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage. He's not only tossing greasy fast food in her face, but I guarantee he's making her feel guilty if she doesn't eat it. This isn't about willpower to avoid greasy fast food being shoved in your face in your own home, which should be your sanctuary; if she doesn't eat it, his probably sulks and gets back at her in another way. OP said they don't have money to waste on this food, hubby knows she's dieting, he routinely makes negative comments about "fat chicks being gross," by which he's implying that if OP gains weight he's not going to love her anymore. When a husband does something to a wife, knowing its causing her stress, that's actually abuse; this is not something that's going to be stopped by talking about it. OP and her husband have already talked this to death. He's not changing. He's enjoying the power he has over her.
Abuse is defined by how it affects the receiver of it it. Not by how you think it would affect you. Because there is a 360 atmosphere around emotional abuse which is hard to describe in a short MFP posting.
I recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" you can buy it at half.com, amazon, any place that books are sold, or borrow it from your library. It is AWESOME on sabotage.
Oh good...you live with this couple. Phew.... oh wait, no you don't. So he doesn't like "fat chicks" but you think he's turning around and bringing her food to keep her fat? Eventhough she eats her planned food and said herself she eats this food cuz "he just brings it home and it's there"? This reasoning is a bit confusing when combined with your theory.0 -
First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage. He's not only tossing greasy fast food in her face, but I guarantee he's making her feel guilty if she doesn't eat it. This isn't about willpower to avoid greasy fast food being shoved in your face in your own home, which should be your sanctuary; if she doesn't eat it, his probably sulks and gets back at her in another way. OP said they don't have money to waste on this food, hubby knows she's dieting, he routinely makes negative comments about "fat chicks being gross," by which he's implying that if OP gains weight he's not going to love her anymore. When a husband does something to a wife, knowing its causing her stress, that's actually abuse; this is not something that's going to be stopped by talking about it. OP and her husband have already talked this to death. He's not changing. He's enjoying the power he has over her.
Abuse is defined by how it affects the receiver of it it. Not by how you think it would affect you. Because there is a 360 atmosphere around emotional abuse which is hard to describe in a short MFP posting.
I recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" you can buy it at half.com, amazon, any place that books are sold, or borrow it from your library. It is AWESOME on sabotage.
The was taking the text the OP wrote and assuming to know what was between the lines.
Abuse is not abuse until they say it is abuse (on a message board).
She didn't say he was "Shoving" it in her face. She didn't say he was making her feel guilty.
No one can make you feel anything you don't allow them to make you feel. Guilt is not on HIM. It's on the OP for eating what she knows she shouldn't be eating. She can't blame him of feel bad because he is small and she isn't.
No reading between lines.
No abuse. Just pure lack of responsibility.
Based on the OP.0 -
Why do people keep giving this "throw it away" advice!?ask him to please give you the money instead of food and you'll buy something nice to wear for him.....YOU DON"T have to eat it.....throw it away and soon he won't bring you junk.....say thanks I told you I can't eat this and throw it in the trash maybe he will get the message.
Rich people I swear... SMH
He could still eat the leftovers, she doesn't have to throw it away to not eat it!
Agreed! I will always give food to someone else rather than throw it out. It must be nice to have so much cash that you can be so wasteful! :ohwell:0 -
Dunno if it's sabotage, but it's certainly cruel and insensitive.
When he brings you stuff, if you have already eaten, trash can it all immediately. If you need to eat, cut off and eat a reasonable portion (within the strictures of your caloric budget) and trash can the rest immediately. Or better yet, trash it all and eat something more budget conscious.0
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