Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after
YourGirl_Tina
Posts: 962 Member
I would love some support, Honest feed back and just about anything at this point LOL. I Have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years and it has been a roller coaster! I was a happy go luck plus size girl when he met me. I have however let "things" get in the way of that and have slowly gained about 100lb since then, Most in the last 6 years after having our daughter. I am a size 24. I am working on losing weight but have been resenting the fact that everyone wants this (i feel) more than I do.... Back story. About 4 months into our relationship he went out to sea for 6 months..... when he returned I ended up asking him a question one night... I asked him who he fantasized about. Ya know Pam Anderson and girls like that.... well here I am all sexy at a size 14 and he says the girl I worked with, some girl on his boat, and the waitress at our bar! All size 4.... I was Shocked, to say the least. Learned a good lesson in don't ask a question you don't really want the answer to! I cried and felt awful. I asked him if he had an issue with my weight, he said yes.... Of coarse i flipped out and was like, then why the hell are you dating me..... fast forward to now. We have a very rocky relationship and I don't want to bore you with all the details, but for the last 7 years we have been fighting about the lack of sex in our marriage (a hand full a year) and of coarse I feel its because he is not attracted to me. He has spent the last 8 years trying to convince me that he didn't mean what he said and he thinks I'm sexy. Till about a month ago. He broke down and said he has a big problem with how I look and feels like I will not lose it just to despite him. I asked him when the last time he found me sexy and he said 8 years ago.... I am crushed. I feel hurt and ugly and disgusting. I feel like, to be honest, I have to loss over a 100lbs just to get some lovin! And I am afraid that once I do I will resent his for it or possible spend the rest of my life wondering if I am good enough "yet" for him. It hurts more when people flirt with me and tell me they find me attractive but I have to go home to a man who rejects me and turns to porn for his satisfaction. I am just lost. Never in a million year would I think I would allow another person to make me feel such low self esteem. And I am upset at myself for all of it.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Thanks for letting me vent!
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Replies
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time to move on from your husband and work on making yourself happy... if dude has a problem with your weight did he marry you for you or did he marry you with the hopes you would become something else. maybe the stress of the marriage is the cause of your weight gain. put your big girl panties on and move on0
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Ah yes forgot to add that... I asked him why he married me if he was not into bigger girls. I said did you secretly hope I would loss the weight and become something you liked better? He said Yes.......0
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This is such a tough situation.
I am sorry he is making you feel like crap. You do not deserve it, no one does. Please do not beat yourself up about it. It may be time to start to think about working on yourself for yourself, and not for him. 0 -
Ah yes forgot to add that... I asked him why he married me if he was not into bigger girls. I said did you secretly hope I would loss the weight and become something you liked better? He said Yes.......
time to move on for your health and happiness. you keep this up you will be in a mental ward. if you want to lose weight you should do it for you not for someone's vein idea of beauty. because once you lose the weight for him he will have new reasons not to love you.0 -
the thing now is...you cannot predict what will happen with him but you can predict what will happen if you lose weight and get fit-
you will be healthier and happier...so no matter what he does or doesnt do, losing the weight and getting fit is a win win.
focus on what is good for you and your health..then see what happens when you are fitter and healthier0 -
I used to be married to a man who was not attracted to me. It was miserable! I'd have probably changed into something he would have desired, if I could have,
but he was into pretty girls and I, well....can't afford the amount of plastic surgery that would have taken.
Looking back, I'm glad it didn't work out. A lifetime of having someone "settle" for me would have been way worse than being 30 and divorced is.
.
.
.
but those are your choices:
attempt to make a sexless, unhappy marriage work
change just to please his tastes
move on and meet someone who appreciates you for you; shape and all0 -
because once you lose the weight for him he will have new reasons not to love you.
I also very much agree with this sentence.0 -
You have a lot going on and I am truly sorry you have been hurt. My best advice regarding losing weight is that you have to do it for yourself. Decide for yourself if you are ready to lose weight. There is a great support system here and lots of help. I know you have been hurt, I am so sorry.0
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Time to get rid of that old ball and chain. You have to want to lose weight for yourself, if you feel sexy at your current weight, good for you, if not, your friends at MFP will certainly help to inspire you. Only you can make that decision. Good luck and hugs!0
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I am so sorry you are going through this. It's definitely not easy when one partner struggles with weight and the other doesn't - especially when your partner isn't supportive and making you feel poorly about yourself. I realized just the other day that my husband and I have been married for 10 years, and I have been overweight the entire time. It's difficult to not feel guilty because you feel like you aren't the person your partner fell in love with (I was 20 pounds lighter when we were dating).
It's important that you make this lifestyle change for you, not just for your husband. Change your life because you DESERVE to be healthy and have the body you want to have. It's not going to be easy, but you CAN do this, and there are a lot of people on this site who will be here to support you through your journey.
In the meantime, embrace your curves and work it! Having the confidence to see yourself as beautiful and sexy regardless of your size is half the battle.0 -
This ^^^and is there a possibility to get some counseling? On a personal note, my partner is big and has always been big. I have never been into "big" guys, but I love him for the beautiful caring person he is. His inner beauty draws me to him and is all the attraction I needYou have a lot going on and I am truly sorry you have been hurt. My best advice regarding losing weight is that you have to do it for yourself. Decide for yourself if you are ready to lose weight. There is a great support system here and lots of help. I know you have been hurt, I am so sorry.
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the thing now is...you cannot predict what will happen with him but you can predict what will happen if you lose weight and get fit-
you will be healthier and happier...so no matter what he does or doesnt do, losing the weight and getting fit is a win win.
focus on what is good for you and your health..then see what happens when you are fitter and healthier
This! You won't be able to sustain a weight loss for anyone but you. And I suspect once you get some self-esteem back, you'll be able to figure out what you want and need to do. Good luck. This is not an easy situation but you need to take care of you now..0 -
I feel bad for you. Number 1. You need to do this for you and you only, if you do it just for your husband, then you may possibly gain the weight back. And yes, it may be more than likely it is your rocky relationship causing you to gain. Really evaluate and know what you want and only you and then do it. And believe you are a beautiful person whether your husband says otherwise. Love yourself dear. There are some good posts from the 10-Week Valentines Challenge ( go to Groups and you will find it) Spend some time reading them all.
You have lots of support here on mfp if that is what you want. You can friend me and I will be there for you!0 -
omg- ((((hugs)))) First off, I am surprised that he finally became honest with you but shocked at the same time. My husband enjoys me no matter what size I have become. It was always me that felt uncomfortable or unattractive. Bottom line, it is about the person and not how they look. I do have to say that you have to do this for your self and no one else. Maybe you have been trapped in an marriage and this might be a good time to separate, get yourself together and see what happens. Or, you could quietly in your mind think your separated and do your thing for YOU! F.....him! He aint worth it, but the low self esteem is keeping you in place. I would also suggest looking into therapy and perhaps discuss emotional eating. It sounds like you have not been happy in quite awhile. I was having a tough time too and I decided to go to OA (not saying this is for you) and get myself together before decisions could be made. My marriage is a lot stronger because I came back more confident and he was attracted to that. Hope this helps.0
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mine was into something totally different and I never knew and he never said just knew that things were not right in so many ways. very bad for my self-esteem for 26 yrs. I would advise to work on yourself and let the other things fall into place. quit worrying so much about what he thinks about you. like yourself at any size and work to get healthy is my best advice. You may want to have a counseling session or two just to focus your energy better and get some perspective. Best of luck sweetie! XO0
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Do YOU want to lose the weight? You will have an impossible struggle if you are trying to do it for someone else. It sounds like you have other problems in your marriage than your weight. I have seen threads like this where a bunch of bitter women will jump on here and tell you to "ditch the loser" or something like that thinking they that will make you feel better. Real life isn't that easy. You have children together and a long history.
If you truly are in a horrible relationship and are unhappy then you will know that you need to get out of the relationship. If its just a little rocky, try some new ways to open your dialogue and figure out what direction you both want to be moving towards to make things better. The truth can be extremely painful, but I tend to ask myself if I would rather have been lied to.
You may be suffering from depression, you may want to mention it to your doctor.0 -
Don't lose weight for someone's approval. It sounds like your husband did not marry you for who you were. While it might be understandable that he would be upset about you gaining weight, his ideal for you seems unrealistic. You were never a size 4, so he should have assumed you would stay the weight you were or even fluctuate a little bit.
I think you should get in shape FOR YOU if that's what you want. Decide at what weight YOU feel most attractive.
I had a boyfriend who was similar to your husband - always wanting me to be smaller, being critical about every little part of me. The truth was he was the same way toward himself, and he would never be happy with anything. I know if I would have gotten smaller, then he would have found something else to find fault with. He sounds immature and not supportive. I think you should ask him if he would find you attractive at the size you were when you both met. If he says no, then RUN. He should not have hoped you'd change.
Anyway, think about what would make you feel good about yourself. Who knows - maybe once you start working out and getting more and more attention from random guys, you'll begin realizing you are attractive. If you start putting out the energy that you are sexy, others will respond. Is is possible your husband is just surprised you've changed so much, or that your insecurity makes him not as attracted?
You should join this group on here I just joined - 2013 lose 52 pounds (or something like that).
My boyfriend is supportive of me NOW, which is great, but for me, I need to be a little smaller to feel good about myself. I want my clothing to fit better, and I don't want my tummy sticking out all the time!
Best of luck!0 -
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if your husband may be verbally abusive, controlling and manipulative, or at the very least a dumbnuts with no common sense. i dont see much hope for this relationship but that's only a personal opinion based on one side's very limited information.
Lose the weight for yourself. You'll be happier and healthier. I'd be willing to bet if you lost weight down to a size 4 he'd still find fault with something. Please do not allow someone else to dictate how you feel about yourself. I know it's hard. Good luck to you and seek counselling.0 -
Listen to "starts with goodbye" by carrie underwood.....sometimes goodbye is a second chance. even if u lose a ton of weight and end up hotter than any girl he ever dreamed of a love based on appearance isn't love....move on honey. U deserve it.0
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Ah yes forgot to add that... I asked him why he married me if he was not into bigger girls. I said did you secretly hope I would loss the weight and become something you liked better? He said Yes.......
i would be gone. i have very low self esteem so i dont waste time on people who make me feel worse you should only be losing it for you xxxx 0 -
I had a similar experience.
When we married, I was fit, and after a terrible accident, I allowed myself to balloon.
She never said a thing.
I just noticed our sex life began to diminish. CLUE 1...
One day I asked....and my wife admitted that I was too fat to be attractive.
That's not what she married.
Fair enough.
It took 2 years, but I bucked up and lost most of the weight, and all is well today.
My wife was VERY supportive of my efforts and was already here on MFP.
Our situations are unique, and I can't advise you, but maybe knowing you're not alone helps.
I feel you...been through that pain.
:flowerforyou:0 -
I totally agree with thisThis is such a tough situation. I am sorry he is making you feel like crap. You do not deserve it, no one does. Please do not beat yourself up about it. It may be time to start to think about working on yourself for yourself, and not for him.0 -
First of all, you are GORGEOUS. (For real, I stalked your pics!) And you deserve to feel that way about yourself as well, not just hear someone saying it.
I'll repeat what everyone else has said: absolutely lose weight for yourself. I've had my grandmother tell me for years that I needed to lose weight and that I would be "beautiful" once I was "skinny." Joining this site has helped me get past my desire to lose weight to gain her approval. She will *always* find something to judge, because that's how she is (now it's the fact that I don't have a full-time job yet). Sounds like your husband might be similar...always needing something to disapprove of or think would be better.
Ultimately, you need to decide what the right choice for YOU is. Obviously, you want to be healthier since you joined this site. Health isn't just about your body; it's about your mind and soul too. And I think there are enough people on here that we can help everyone be healthy in every way!
I'm going to add you!0 -
I was 100% in the same situation as you. 5 years into our relationship I was told "I am not attracted to you anymore - your weight is a big turn-off to me" - I mean WOW. WTF. What happened to loving who I was, not what I looked like??? I tried to lose the weight and what happened was that I resented every calorie I was not eating. The relationship was over - yours is too, unfortunately. You can not take those words back and only you can make the hurt go away by being okay with who you are and where you are - It has taken me 20 years to learn this. I am now with someone who loves me no matter what. We work out together and talk about issues rather than ultimatums - lose weight or lose me. My answer to that is don't let the door hit ya on the way out!
Seriously hon, I can tell you that you need to be healthy for you and if you are a healthy size 24 then be happy with you and tell him to take a hike. I yoyo and wherever I am if I am uncomfortable with me I look at where I am and what I am doing - the only one who puts food in my mouth is me - and I control that. Take control of your life and be happy where you are and if you are not happy then do something about your weight - otherwise, tell him to pound salt and vaya con dios!
Good luck!0 -
the thing now is...you cannot predict what will happen with him but you can predict what will happen if you lose weight and get fit-
you will be healthier and happier...so no matter what he does or doesnt do, losing the weight and getting fit is a win win.
focus on what is good for you and your health..then see what happens when you are fitter and healthier
This! You won't be able to sustain a weight loss for anyone but you. And I suspect once you get some self-esteem back, you'll be able to figure out what you want and need to do. Good luck. This is not an easy situation but you need to take care of you now..
^^^These. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts - I was there, in that same place, for years. But a light went on for me at its worst point and I started my weight loss, not for him but for me. My relationship took a turn for the better after that and with a lot of hard work and forgiveness on both our parts, we are still together - but it was a close one that's for sure. I'm also sure it was partly due to my increased self-esteem. Whatever you do, do it for first and foremost for yourself - not for anybody else.0 -
I know it's a hard situation, and the truth is that he probably shouldn't have assumed that you were going to change, unless you made it clear to him that you intended to. However, people generally can't help what they are physically attracted to. I don't think he's really being all that douchy, just honest, and that only at your insistence. He's not asking you to change who you are from what you've written here. He's simply saying that he doesn't find you physically attractive. Now, I can readily see how that would be incredibly painful, but the fact is we are attracted to what we are attracted to. Obviously your husband is trying, or he wouldn't have spent 8 years trying to take back one thing that he said that hurt you.
The bottom line is that it's your choice. If you want to lose weight, do it. If not, then don't. Only you can do that, for whatever reason you decide is important.
*ducks and waits for bullets to fly0 -
OMG .... I am so sorry for you for having to deal with that ...
I agree with the poster who said that after you lose the weight he will find something else to not like about you ... either that, or he'll be CONSTANTLY watching what you eat, and belittling you for any slip-up. He sounds like a controlling jerk who is very superficial.
All that being said, it is true that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Sweetheart, hold your head up HIGH and know that regardless of what he says, regardless of what size you are, you ARE beautiful. God doesn't make mistakes. God made you in His image, and THAT makes you a beauty queen.
I think it's time that you evaluate your relationship. Do you have a pastor you can talk to, or perhaps a counselor of some sort? You know, someone to vent to and to bounce things off of.
Whatever you do, do it for you, because that is the only way it will stick with you. You can't change his attitude, you can't change his behaviour, you can't change how he feels about you. The only thing you can change is how you respond to it. DO NOT let him bring you down. You are better than that. My prayers are with you.0 -
This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.
I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.
PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are0 -
I know it's a hard situation, and the truth is that he probably shouldn't have assumed that you were going to change, unless you made it clear to him that you intended to. However, people generally can't help what they are physically attracted to. I don't think he's really being all that douchy, just honest, and that only at your insistence. He's not asking you to change who you are from what you've written here. He's simply saying that he doesn't find you physically attractive. Now, I can readily see how that would be incredibly painful, but the fact is we are attracted to what we are attracted to. Obviously your husband is trying, or he wouldn't have spent 8 years trying to take back one thing that he said that hurt you.
The bottom line is that it's your choice. If you want to lose weight, do it. If not, then don't. Only you can do that, for whatever reason you decide is important.
*ducks and waits for bullets to fly
I actually agree with you. It sucks that he waited so long to let you know what was really happening, because he has been neglecting and hurting you in an attempt to protect your feelings. But it sounds like he really does love YOU, who you are inside.
So I'm going to be one of the few who say that your relationship isn't necessarily over but I highly recommend therapy. It saved my marriage when it seemed the damage was irreparable and now we're both so happy.
Best of luck to you.0 -
I am sorry you are in the situation you are in.
As previous post you have to want too lose weight for you to be successful in your weight lost goal.
It might be that you want to lose weight for yourself, but because everyone else is telling you to lose weight, you are resisting being told by anyone else, but yourself, what is good for you. A majority of us do not like being told what to do
Only you know what is best for you!
Take care of yourself, let him take care of himself and ask yourself why you continue to give him the power to dictate your thoughts and moods and do you want to keep giving him that power over you?
You are strong, powerful, and an adult and can do what ever is best for you!
Give yourself permission to take care of you and put yourself first! You deserve it!0
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