Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after

YourGirl_Tina

I would love some support, Honest feed back and just about anything at this point LOL. I Have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years and it has been a roller coaster! I was a happy go luck plus size girl when he met me. I have however let "things" get in the way of that and have slowly gained about 100lb since then, Most in the last 6 years after having our daughter. I am a size 24. I am working on losing weight but have been resenting the fact that everyone wants this (i feel) more than I do.... Back story. About 4 months into our relationship he went out to sea for 6 months..... when he returned I ended up asking him a question one night... I asked him who he fantasized about. Ya know Pam Anderson and girls like that.... well here I am all sexy at a size 14 and he says the girl I worked with, some girl on his boat, and the waitress at our bar! All size 4.... I was Shocked, to say the least. Learned a good lesson in don't ask a question you don't really want the answer to! I cried and felt awful. I asked him if he had an issue with my weight, he said yes.... Of coarse i flipped out and was like, then why the hell are you dating me..... fast forward to now. We have a very rocky relationship and I don't want to bore you with all the details, but for the last 7 years we have been fighting about the lack of sex in our marriage (a hand full a year) and of coarse I feel its because he is not attracted to me. He has spent the last 8 years trying to convince me that he didn't mean what he said and he thinks I'm sexy. Till about a month ago. He broke down and said he has a big problem with how I look and feels like I will not lose it just to despite him. I asked him when the last time he found me sexy and he said 8 years ago.... I am crushed. I feel hurt and ugly and disgusting. I feel like, to be honest, I have to loss over a 100lbs just to get some lovin! And I am afraid that once I do I will resent his for it or possible spend the rest of my life wondering if I am good enough "yet" for him. It hurts more when people flirt with me and tell me they find me attractive but I have to go home to a man who rejects me and turns to porn for his satisfaction. I am just lost. Never in a million year would I think I would allow another person to make me feel such low self esteem. And I am upset at myself for all of it.

Thanks for letting me vent!

amann1976

time to move on from your husband and work on making yourself happy... if dude has a problem with your weight did he marry you for you or did he marry you with the hopes you would become something else. maybe the stress of the marriage is the cause of your weight gain. put your big girl panties on and move on

YourGirl_Tina

Ah yes forgot to add that... I asked him why he married me if he was not into bigger girls. I said did you secretly hope I would loss the weight and become something you liked better? He said Yes.......

samantha1242

This is such a tough situation. I am sorry he is making you feel like crap. You do not deserve it, no one does. Please do not beat yourself up about it. It may be time to start to think about working on yourself for yourself, and not for him.

amann1976

Ah yes forgot to add that... I asked him why he married me if he was not into bigger girls. I said did you secretly hope I would loss the weight and become something you liked better? He said Yes.......

time to move on for your health and happiness. you keep this up you will be in a mental ward. if you want to lose weight you should do it for you not for someone's vein idea of beauty. because once you lose the weight for him he will have new reasons not to love you.

Dave198lbs

the thing now is...you cannot predict what will happen with him but you can predict what will happen if you lose weight and get fit-

you will be healthier and happier...so no matter what he does or doesnt do, losing the weight and getting fit is a win win.

focus on what is good for you and your health..then see what happens when you are fitter and healthier

PapaverSomniferum

I used to be married to a man who was not attracted to me. It was miserable! I'd have probably changed into something he would have desired, if I could have,

but he was into pretty girls and I, well....can't afford the amount of plastic surgery that would have taken.

Looking back, I'm glad it didn't work out. A lifetime of having someone "settle" for me would have been way worse than being 30 and divorced is.

.
.
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but those are your choices:

attempt to make a sexless, unhappy marriage work

change just to please his tastes

move on and meet someone who appreciates you for you; shape and all

samantha1242

because once you lose the weight for him he will have new reasons not to love you.

I also very much agree with this sentence.

4mydogs

You have a lot going on and I am truly sorry you have been hurt. My best advice regarding losing weight is that you have to do it for yourself. Decide for yourself if you are ready to lose weight. There is a great support system here and lots of help. I know you have been hurt, I am so sorry.

lmbs1966

Time to get rid of that old ball and chain. You have to want to lose weight for yourself, if you feel sexy at your current weight, good for you, if not, your friends at MFP will certainly help to inspire you. Only you can make that decision. Good luck and hugs!

ChristinaR720

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's definitely not easy when one partner struggles with weight and the other doesn't - especially when your partner isn't supportive and making you feel poorly about yourself. I realized just the other day that my husband and I have been married for 10 years, and I have been overweight the entire time. It's difficult to not feel guilty because you feel like you aren't the person your partner fell in love with (I was 20 pounds lighter when we were dating).

It's important that you make this lifestyle change for you, not just for your husband. Change your life because you DESERVE to be healthy and have the body you want to have. It's not going to be easy, but you CAN do this, and there are a lot of people on this site who will be here to support you through your journey.

In the meantime, embrace your curves and work it! Having the confidence to see yourself as beautiful and sexy regardless of your size is half the battle.

Songmartine

You have a lot going on and I am truly sorry you have been hurt. My best advice regarding losing weight is that you have to do it for yourself. Decide for yourself if you are ready to lose weight. There is a great support system here and lots of help. I know you have been hurt, I am so sorry.

This ^^^and is there a possibility to get some counseling? On a personal note, my partner is big and has always been big. I have never been into "big" guys, but I love him for the beautiful caring person he is. His inner beauty draws me to him and is all the attraction I need

naticksdonna

the thing now is...you cannot predict what will happen with him but you can predict what will happen if you lose weight and get fit-

you will be healthier and happier...so no matter what he does or doesnt do, losing the weight and getting fit is a win win.

focus on what is good for you and your health..then see what happens when you are fitter and healthier

This! You won't be able to sustain a weight loss for anyone but you. And I suspect once you get some self-esteem back, you'll be able to figure out what you want and need to do. Good luck. This is not an easy situation but you need to take care of you now..

nana6799

I feel bad for you. Number 1. You need to do this for you and you only, if you do it just for your husband, then you may possibly gain the weight back. And yes, it may be more than likely it is your rocky relationship causing you to gain. Really evaluate and know what you want and only you and then do it. And believe you are a beautiful person whether your husband says otherwise. Love yourself dear. There are some good posts from the 10-Week Valentines Challenge ( go to Groups and you will find it) Spend some time reading them all.

You have lots of support here on mfp if that is what you want. You can friend me and I will be there for you!

Lynn_is_happy

omg- ((((hugs)))) First off, I am surprised that he finally became honest with you but shocked at the same time. My husband enjoys me no matter what size I have become. It was always me that felt uncomfortable or unattractive. Bottom line, it is about the person and not how they look. I do have to say that you have to do this for your self and no one else. Maybe you have been trapped in an marriage and this might be a good time to separate, get yourself together and see what happens. Or, you could quietly in your mind think your separated and do your thing for YOU! F.....him! He aint worth it, but the low self esteem is keeping you in place. I would also suggest looking into therapy and perhaps discuss emotional eating. It sounds like you have not been happy in quite awhile. I was having a tough time too and I decided to go to OA (not saying this is for you) and get myself together before decisions could be made. My marriage is a lot stronger because I came back more confident and he was attracted to that. Hope this helps.

DebraYvonne

mine was into something totally different and I never knew and he never said just knew that things were not right in so many ways. very bad for my self-esteem for 26 yrs. I would advise to work on yourself and let the other things fall into place. quit worrying so much about what he thinks about you. like yourself at any size and work to get healthy is my best advice. You may want to have a counseling session or two just to focus your energy better and get some perspective. Best of luck sweetie! XO

penith113

Do YOU want to lose the weight? You will have an impossible struggle if you are trying to do it for someone else. It sounds like you have other problems in your marriage than your weight. I have seen threads like this where a bunch of bitter women will jump on here and tell you to "ditch the loser" or something like that thinking they that will make you feel better. Real life isn't that easy. You have children together and a long history.
If you truly are in a horrible relationship and are unhappy then you will know that you need to get out of the relationship. If its just a little rocky, try some new ways to open your dialogue and figure out what direction you both want to be moving towards to make things better. The truth can be extremely painful, but I tend to ask myself if I would rather have been lied to.
You may be suffering from depression, you may want to mention it to your doctor.

Athena125

Don't lose weight for someone's approval. It sounds like your husband did not marry you for who you were. While it might be understandable that he would be upset about you gaining weight, his ideal for you seems unrealistic. You were never a size 4, so he should have assumed you would stay the weight you were or even fluctuate a little bit.

I think you should get in shape FOR YOU if that's what you want. Decide at what weight YOU feel most attractive.

I had a boyfriend who was similar to your husband - always wanting me to be smaller, being critical about every little part of me. The truth was he was the same way toward himself, and he would never be happy with anything. I know if I would have gotten smaller, then he would have found something else to find fault with. He sounds immature and not supportive. I think you should ask him if he would find you attractive at the size you were when you both met. If he says no, then RUN. He should not have hoped you'd change.

Anyway, think about what would make you feel good about yourself. Who knows - maybe once you start working out and getting more and more attention from random guys, you'll begin realizing you are attractive. If you start putting out the energy that you are sexy, others will respond. Is is possible your husband is just surprised you've changed so much, or that your insecurity makes him not as attracted?

You should join this group on here I just joined - 2013 lose 52 pounds (or something like that).

My boyfriend is supportive of me NOW, which is great, but for me, I need to be a little smaller to feel good about myself. I want my clothing to fit better, and I don't want my tummy sticking out all the time!

Best of luck!

Keto_T

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if your husband may be verbally abusive, controlling and manipulative, or at the very least a dumbnuts with no common sense. i dont see much hope for this relationship but that's only a personal opinion based on one side's very limited information.

Lose the weight for yourself. You'll be happier and healthier. I'd be willing to bet if you lost weight down to a size 4 he'd still find fault with something. Please do not allow someone else to dictate how you feel about yourself. I know it's hard. Good luck to you and seek counselling.

bluecrayonz

Listen to "starts with goodbye" by carrie underwood.....sometimes goodbye is a second chance. even if u lose a ton of weight and end up hotter than any girl he ever dreamed of a love based on appearance isn't love....move on honey. U deserve it.

joeysox

Ah yes forgot to add that... I asked him why he married me if he was not into bigger girls. I said did you secretly hope I would loss the weight and become something you liked better? He said Yes.......

i would be gone. i have very low self esteem so i dont waste time on people who make me feel worse you should only be losing it for you xxxx