Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after
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Frankly, I feel you do have some responsibilty to try and do something about your weight. If not for yourself, than for your family. It's not healthy at all, and you're going to most likely have major health problems down the road, that will not effect only you, but everyone close to you. Not fun, and not fair, if it's something you could prevent.
I would do EVERYTHING I could to lose the weight first, before making any other huge, life changing choices.0 -
This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.
I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.
PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are
I agree with you 100 percent!!!0 -
This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.
I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.
PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are
^^ I agree.0 -
The answer or opinion about this is not easy and much less there is a perfect suggestion. However, being that this is a fitness forum.
My suggestion is.
Get fit (Progressively, will make you feel better with yourself and about your whole situation hopefully)
establish your goals
do it for YOURSELF..
IT WONT BE EASY.. but it wont be too hard either.
EASY = know what you eat, do your workouts, keep your motivation, and NEVER GIVE UP!!0 -
Tough situation, no doubt! My advice to you is to look inward. Spend time in deep reflection about your life and your choices. Then spend two times longer in reflection about gratitude. Find inspiration and focus on that, instead of focusing on your hurt feelings. There is so much to be positive and grateful about. Open up your eyes, take inventory and start appreciating.
Also, stop putting yourself and hubby into a corner that you two cannot get out of without hurting each other. It is counter-productive, unfair and will only cause a greater divide between the both of you. You love this man, you always have. He is not your problem, he is only a mirror of your inner turmoil.
This advice is coming from someone whom has been on the brink of divorce and bounced back...it is totally possible to heal, move forward and repair this broken relationship. It starts with you:)0 -
My heart breaks for you...I have heard very similar things from my SO and it hurts me in ways that I thought I would never feel hurt by someone I love so much. It has made me experience a range of emotions from sadness, self loathing, anger towards him, feeling like i am not only a number on the scale or my jeans size, but i am a beautiful, intelligent, strong person and he should understand that and love me anyways for it (and he does...i just got wrapped up in the weight comments and over looked that), it has made me feel like a 5 year old being told to do something, so i purposely don't do it because "i'm not going to do something you told me to do." (not that he told me to lose weight or else, but you get the idea...he made weight comments, per my prompting, then he answered truthfully, then i got all stubborn...i used his honesty in the wrong way for the wrong outcome.)
With that being said...I have a few things to point out.
1.) We usually ask those questions of our significant others, not only because we have a sinking suspicion about the truth we may or may not get from them on the topic, but because there is something inside of us unhappy with where we are at (for me, i was unhappy with my weight gain, had become obsessed with it, finally talked to him about his preferences-which of course the outcome was what I KNEW already, but it still sucks hearing the gritty, gnarly, unpretty sounding truth), and we ask the questions because it is like this weird "validation mode" we go into....We need to hear from someone else that they can confirm for us what we already possibly think about ourselves or about a situation.
2.) My situation is slightly different. When my SO and I met, I was a size 3/4/5. Weight ranged from like 118-120 lbs. I am 5'.25" tall. I was 130-135 2 years into our relationship...because I started eating like he did. Then I got pregnant, miscarried almost 12 weeks into it, put on some weight, was 145 lbs when I found out I was pregnant (we had been trying both times) and then gained 50 lbs during my pregnancy. I was 195 lbs the day I gave birth...Only down to 180 after delivery...Am now somewhere in the 160's, size 14's in pants, XL and 1X shirts...He isn't happy with my weight...I am not happy with my weight. I am figuring out that it is what it is. Yes, he does love me, yes he does prefer my more fit self. I do plan on getting there, but no longer am I doing it just because he made some crass comments to me about my weight one night over a drunken discussion at a bonfire. I am doing it because I miss my spunky, carefree clothes that I used to wear. Shopping is now a work out, looking for clothes to "hide this roll, this fat, this bulge" is no fun, exhausting and quite honestly not how I feel I should have to live...Just because I haven;t had the will power to lose the weight.
3.) So, with #2 being said, I piqued my own head, dealt with my own issues, and realized I am my own worst enemy, and need to be my own best friend. I may not like my weight or clothes size, and my SO may not either, BUT, I do take time every day to appreciate my body for everything it does for me. It is sort of like meditation. Positive reinforcement if you will. I will appreciate my self more and more each day, at this weight, and through out my weight loss journey. IF you are happy at your weight, then don't lose weight. BUT, if you are not happy with your weight, then start making some changes in your life to lose it. Know it isn't going to happen overnight. And enjoy the ride instead of despising it. It is LIFE. Live it for what it is worth. Overweight, losing weight, or at goal. And do it for yourself first and foremost...then do it because you want to be healthier-maybe to be active with your kid, and hubby.
4.) Even when my SO and I got together, come to find out, all of his exes had hardly any boobs or butt, not really curvy at all really. I have always had a large chest size. Large C Small D. And Have always had hips/butt. About 6 months into our relationship, he didn't seem as into sex anymore. I have had a complex about it for a while now, as we are going on being together for 4 years. BUT, he is pretty sure (he recently told me this) he has low testosterone. and has felt that way for a few years, and I don't want him taking meds for it because the side effects are scary.
So, even before I gained ALL this weight, and even when we were trying to get pregnant, I kind of felt like he didn't want me sexually...which really gave me a complex because, just like how you quoted about guys out and about complimenting you and saying you are attractive, and being hit on, you go home and get rejected from your hubby...I have felt this way. I have always been a VERY sexual person...not like, out having sex with a ton of people-not that there is really anything wrong with that, I just wasn't. I mean though, that like, I was told very often by numerous people that I was sexy, even just in jeans and a tshirt...so, when I was dressed up as a school girl for holloween and 125 lbs, and he didn't want to have sex, and we hadn't had sex for like a week, I was really feeling rejected. And even with that in the past, I have struggled with NOT blaming my weight now as the reason behind our slower than I desire sex life. So, now I keep in mind, that even if I did lose all the weight and become a bikini model, I doubt our sex life will pick up ALL that much- i can hope for some at least! Haha, but, again, this reinforces that I always need to make sure I am doing this for me and not for him, or for him to find me sexually attractive, because I don't want to lose the weight and then feel like another poster said-that he isn't having sex with me because he has possibly found some other reason to be unhappy with me.
I also got a good vibrator.
I am going to send you a friend request...and I hope we can stay in touch. If anything, I am in school to be a therapist, and am a good listener!
Edit to add** I also do want to take a little smidge of this post to point out that even though I would love my SO just the same, and probably still find him attractive if he gained 70+ lbs, I still think I would prefer him at the weight he is now. He seems to easily gain and lose 20 or so lbs here and there and doesn't really change much in appearance. (lucky dude) But, you know, if he all of a sudden became obese for some reason, I am sure I would want him to lose weight, not just for vanity's sake, but to be healthy. Which is something he did point out to me. That he doesn't only JUST prefer how I look when I am more fit, but that he also wants me to be healthy so we can live life to the max together. What you may find is that if you set a goal for yourself, like to lift weights, or start walking every day, or do a program like Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, he will find your dedication to just being healthier sexy.0 -
Tough situation, no doubt! My advice to you is to look inward. Spend time in deep reflection about your life and your choices. Then spend two times longer in reflection about gratitude. Find inspiration and focus on that, instead of focusing on your hurt feelings. There is so much to be positive and grateful about. Open up your eyes, take inventory and start appreciating.
Also, stop putting yourself and hubby into a corner that you two cannot get out of without hurting each other. It is counter-productive, unfair and will only cause a greater divide between the both of you. You love this man, you always have. He is not your problem, he is only a mirror of your inner turmoil.
This advice is coming from someone whom has been on the brink of divorce and bounced back...it is totally possible to heal, move forward and repair this broken relationship. It starts with you:)
I totally agree with everything you say.0 -
You can do one of two things. Use this as a motivation tool or sink deeper into depression which will cause you to gain more weight.0
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1) I want to punch your husband in his taint
2) lose the weight for you, your health and your future0 -
i have been exactly where u are and i know how u feel. i too was alot smaller when i met my now ex-husband and over the course of our 8 1/2 year marriage gained 125 lbs. i was 145 when we met and now i border anywhere between 290 and 300. i also get comments about my weight from my family and even co-workers and residents ( i work in a nursing home and am always referred to as "the fat girl"). people do not understand that even IF we do want to lose the weight it is not that easy. :frown:motivations for me is the hardest! i honestly do want to lose the weight but find the more people make their nasty hurtful comments the less i want too try. :sad:
my ex also had a problem with my wieght. when we met in 1999 he was totally ok with me. although he was partial to brunettes and i was a blonde. he always made comments about women who were alot hotter than me or more attractive than me, not something that helps with your self esteem when u already have a weight problem. fast forward to Oct 2008, I was up to about 275 lbs he met another woman online (a brunette) and I decided it was time for a divorce. :brokenheart: i wont go into the rest of the details, but I am alot happier with out him, even though I still get comments from others.
I can sympathize with u as I am still in a similar situation except for no longer being married.
My advice to u is first to look at your situation and decide if your husband is really who u want to be with. If not get rid of him and then start focusing on yourself.
I have spent the last 3 12 years post divorce focusing on my children and everyone else...2013 is going to be the year to focus on me and get my weight reduced so that I can be happy in all aspects of my life. good luck to u!!:flowerforyou:0 -
I have two important questions for you:
1) Can you forgive your husband for the pain that he has caused you?
2) Can your husband forgive you for the pain that you have caused him?
I don't pretend to understand your situation, and I am slightly appalled at some of the folks here who are suggesting violence against your husband for being honest with you. All I can say with any surety behind it is that forgiveness is going to be at the heart of moving forward with your marriage, or the final nail it its coffin. Let me illustrate this with the following:
A few people have said that if you do indeed lose the weight, your husband might simply come up with a different reason to find you unattractive. If your husband can't let go of the issue of your weight, I would hazard a guess that this sentiment will be absolutely correct.
Others have suggested that you should mend the marriage. I ask you: if you do indeed lose the weight and your husband does regain your attraction to you, will you have any attraction to him? Or will the specter of his treatment of you while you were heavy hang like a dark cloud that keeps you from enjoying the attention? Do you have any current attraction to him considering his treatment of you?0 -
No one should feel the way he is making you feel. get away and work on yourself, you will be much happier. stay positive you can get through this.0
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I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I honestly believe tha tit is time to leave and work on your self (for yourself) and your happiness. You husband no offense, sounds like a huge piece of **** that doesn't deserve you. Leave him and be happy. You are beautiful, and there are plenty of men who will love you for all of you. Nto put you down like that.0
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I have two important questions for you:
1) Can you forgive your husband for the pain that he has caused you?
2) Can your husband forgive you for the pain that you have caused him?
I don't pretend to understand your situation, and I am slightly appalled at some of the folks here who are suggesting violence against your husband for being honest with you. All I can say with any surety behind it is that forgiveness is going to be at the heart of moving forward with your marriage, or the final nail it its coffin. Let me illustrate this with the following:
A few people have said that if you do indeed lose the weight, your husband might simply come up with a different reason to find you unattractive. If your husband can't let go of the issue of your weight, I would hazard a guess that this sentiment will be absolutely correct.
Others have suggested that you should mend the marriage. I ask you: if you do indeed lose the weight and your husband does regain your attraction to you, will you have any attraction to him? Or will the specter of his treatment of you while you were heavy hang like a dark cloud that keeps you from enjoying the attention? Do you have any current attraction to him considering his treatment of you?
Worth repeating.
What's awful isn't so much the attraction issue. Some of that is irrational, some of it could be worked on.
The bell ringing here is that this has gone on for EIGHT YEARS and you guys have been so locked into blame, shame, denial, discomfort, lack of communication, etc, that no one's felt free or comfortable or trusting enough to talk honestly about it, never mind take responsibility for the dynamic, or their own feelings.
I agree with the suggestion to get counselling for yourself, before couples counselling. And to be courageous about whatever you discover.0 -
That really sucks!! But at the same time someone can't help what they're physically attracted to you know? He was just being honest and he really didn't mean to hurt you the way he did.. Although this should definately be something you do for yourself!! 0
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My ex husband married me to make his family happy. He didn't like that I was heavy, he wasn't attracted to me, and cheated on me every chance he got. It sucked. I ended up meeting a really sweet guy that made me realize I deserved better, so I kicked my ex to the curb. I an so much happier. You gotta be happy to be successful in losing weight or else it will never work. You shouldnt feel you have to lose weight to make people happy. You do it for you.0
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So why in the world are YOU 2 STILL Together...why did you 2 get MARRIED in the first place. Sounds like 2 Co-Dependent people to Me who could NOT let go of the other out of fear! Yes, co-dependency will result in a sexless/near sexless relationship because the relationship was not based on the "normal" attractions in the beginning. NOW, YOU seem ready to break out of the co-dependency...expect major problems, that always happens when one of the co-dependents Recognizes the relationship for what it is. More and more relationships are initiated based on co-dependency.0
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If I'm being really honest, I joined MFP because my weight gain was hurting my relationship with my other half. Knowing that someone you love simply doesn't fancy you anymore is so painful, especially when it was caused by something I allowed to get out of control. I know that losing the weight is good for my health, makes me feel more confident, etc. BUT my weight loss goal is to know my man wants me. It depends how strong your relationship is in other areas, you will know within yourself if you really want to stay married to your husband. Add me as a friend if you want support and encouragement, or simply someone who understands when you need to vent.0
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I can honestly say that I'm in the same situation with my current boyfriend... but it's positive for me.
Your husband obviously LOVES you. Even though he is attracted to smaller girls, he overlooked your size to be with a wonderful lady with a personality. Yes, he wants you to lose the weight. I don know many guys that wouldn't want a large girl they're with to lose weight (unless they have a fat fetish and that's disturbing as all get out). At least he's honest with you.
He respects you enough to do that. He obviously loves (or loved?) you enough to marry you despite your size.
Honestly, there's nothing sexier than a confident woman.
Fantasies are just fantasies. Nothing more.
My honest suggestion is that you two need to get marriage counseling.
It will help you communicate better with each other and they can tell you how to become connected with each other again physically.0 -
It is very difficult to give advice to another person about how to manage your marriage & all its related issues . As an outsider, I am not privy to all your day to day dealings with your spouse. What has served me well in my 20 plus relatioship with my life partner is I had outlined both in my head & verbally communicated to him what were dealer breakers in our relationship. Throughout the years I have always expressed my feelings. My husband does not express himself as easily as I do but, I had to learn to read his cues.
As years go by in a relationship, we can start to take each other for granted. The key ingredient is to keep talking to each other. Remember, the only person you can change is yourself. Find your personal happiness & work on improving yourself. When you focus on your own self improvement it translates to all aspect of your life. The old saying of "Happy wife makes for a Happy life" is so true. The validation must come from within first & when it comes from others it is just an added bonus.
Work on finding "the vivacious you" for you & then you can reevaluate the overall health of your relationship. Stay strong!0
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