Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after
Replies
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I appreciate your take on this and it is nice to hear. I agree that for me it wasn't a weight issue at all but a confidence thing. When I lost 25lbs, I felt more confident and he seemed to pick up on that. I also agree that we all fantasize and there is nothing wrong with that. It is kind of fun to share in that experience with your spouse if willing. Thanks.0
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This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.
I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.
PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are
I appreciate your take on this and it is nice to hear. I agree that for me it wasn't a weight issue at all but a confidence thing. When I lost 25lbs, I felt more confident and he seemed to pick up on that. I also agree that we all fantasize and there is nothing wrong with that. It is kind of fun to share in that experience with your spouse if willing. Thanks.0 -
Shut your face! You are HOTT!I used to be married to a man who was not attracted to me. It was miserable! I'd have probably changed into something he would have desired, if I could have,
but he was into pretty girls and I, well....can't afford the amount of plastic surgery that would have taken.
Looking back, I'm glad it didn't work out. A lifetime of having someone "settle" for me would have been way worse than being 30 and divorced is.
.
.
.
but those are your choices:
attempt to make a sexless, unhappy marriage work
change just to please his tastes
move on and meet someone who appreciates you for you; shape and all0 -
Please go see a counselor! If both of you go that would be even better. I agree with the poster who said that 8.5 years shouldn't be thrown away that easily. I bet there are other issues in the marriage too. Counseling will help you figure out what is best for you in this relationship.0
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The quackers are fast to advise punishment to some guy who was merely honest.This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.
I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.
PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are
I truly don't know this husband's heart, but having been in the same situation but in reverse, I'd never have considered divorcing my wife for being honest.
So long as there was no infidelity, preserve the marriage.0 -
^^^^^^^Please go see a counselor! If both of you go that would be even better. I agree with the poster who said that 8.5 years shouldn't be thrown away that easily. I bet there are other issues in the marriage too. Counseling will help you figure out what is best for you in this relationship.
THIS!0 -
I had over 100lbs to drop and I hav 60ish more to go so I know you can do it! The difference between you and me is that my husband wants me to be overweight...which is gross to me and he thinks if I get skinny then I'm going to leave him lol. I'm getting skinny for me not for him and if he is still along for the ride when I'm done making myself happy then so be it, and if not then see ya! Do this for you!
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I thought my marriage was over, not to long ago. I think it had a lot to do with how unhappy I was with myself. I had accomplished a lot in the year but my weight wasn't one of them. I have now lost 2/3 rds of my excess weight and along with a lot of communication we are moving in the right direction. your husbands an *kitten* for what he said but we can all be *kitten* sometimes. You decide if your marriage is worth fighting for and then you fight. That may include losing weight but that is for you first and he will reap the rewards of your hard work too!0
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Maybe the two of you need to take a serious look at your marriage, possibly with the help of a counselor, and find out if there's something else that's a problem. Your weight is just on the outside...it's not who you are as a person on the inside. But if you have "let yourself go" you're probably not feeling very good about yourself and he probably senses that. Happiness comes from inside you, not outside you.
As for your weight, don't do it for him, but work on it for you. Losing some weight, in your own way and your own time, will improve your outlook for the future and your self-esteem. And then when your disposition and self-esteem improves, he'll sense that and maybe you two can work things out.
As for him fantasizing about other women, he's still coming home to you, right? My husband and I have a phrase/agreement. We can still look at the "menu", we just can't order from it anymore. :-) We are totally committed to each other, but it is only human nature to notice a person who's attractive.
Good luck!0 -
You deserve to be happy and feel pretty and sexy.0
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This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.
I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.
PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are
I am sure this ^ won't be the most popular post, but I have to agree with this poster.
OP, you said it yourself: you asked a stupid question, then you couldn't handle his truthful answer...and allowed it to eat away at your self esteem for your entire marriage. Lack of sex is probably based on this insecurity, as you undoubtedly lost confidence in yourself...and a confident fat person in the bedroom is MUCH more of a turn-on than a withdrawn, neurotic, self-critical bone rack.
However, I'm sure that, since he fantasizes about size 4's, your husband married you for more than your looks as you weren't a size 4 when you dated him, so I'm willing to bet that he loves you for YOU - the person you are on the INside - which is a LOT more than some marriages have going for them. If you have love between you, then you can build on that.
Your hubby seems to want to be totally honest in the marriage, so maybe it's time for you to be honest, too - with yourself. And by coming here, you have taken the first step in accepting that you have a problem and are willing to do something about it. xoxoxox0 -
because once you lose the weight for him he will have new reasons not to love you.
I also very much agree with this sentence.
I also agree. Yes, you have a health problem that you need to solve, but he has a major deficiency that he needs to solve. He has a love deficit--people who are cold and rejecting always do. I have been a counselor for many years and I know of only one way to solve the love-deficit problem (and no, it is not for him to get hold of another woman who he finds more appealing--he will eventually reject her as well). If/when his problem gets solved, you might be surprised by the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and sanity that enters your marriage. (See Galatians 5:22)0 -
This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.
I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.
PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are
This was a good reply!!!0 -
You have to decide on whether or not your marriage is worth fighting for. But above all, work on yourself and decide "will the weight make a difference?" Once you do start losing, it will make you feel great. You said you have a daughter, think about her and her seeing mommy happy. If she sees that you are doing something to make yourself happy, then she will be happy and self confident and think "wow, my mom is awesome!!!!!"
Trust me, my husband and I have been together for over 4 years (married for almost 2) and my highest was 243 which i hit not too long after my mom passed. I would want him to be honest with me and he did tell me at one point that he felt that i was gaining too much. I have less weight on me then when we met but that hasn't helped me because I still have a low self esteem and confidence which has taken more of a toll on us then anything. We have gotten better but emotionally it has been an uphill battle with my depression (situational depression aka adjustment disorder with anxiety and mild post postpartum depression) but i know that i have to work on my confidence and self. I look at our son who just turned 11 months, and want for him to see mommy be confident not depressed.0 -
You need to do this for you- not for him. I think counseling would be a huge step toward healing in your relationship. If he isn't willing to try you will have to decide... Do you want to stay married to someone that doesn't love you for the sake of your daughter even though it is only going to hurt you? Do you want to do something for yourself even if it may be the hardest choice?0
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This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.
I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.
PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are
There's a lot of truth here.
If your marriage has problems, losing weight won't fix it. And it sounds like you had problems to start with. But you've been married for 8.5 years - is it worth it to try and work on it? I would think so.
Every marriage has rough spots. And your husband is entitled to his opinion if he doesn't find you attractive because of your weight. It's not "abusive" if he doesn't think you're hot anymore. He's human - just like you - and has preferences - just like you (or any of us). And I would agree with the guy I'm quoting that it probably has a lot more to do with your own self esteem issues than your weight.
I would advise you to decide what's important to you. Your marriage? Your weight? Your health? Any or all of the above, in any combination. Seek professional help for whatever path you chose. A counselor for your marriage, a trainer &/or nutritionist for your weight, a doctor for your health. Start taking the steps to take back control of your life, whatever path that may take.0 -
I went thru the same thing, we worked it out and after 24 years of marriage and 27 years of being together, we are good and I'm just now at the size I was when we first met. So over those 27 years I gained 156 lbs, that is really sad in itself. I should have been better to me than I was. But I'm working on it now and sadly he's not in any shape to enjoy it
To tell you the truth if I knew then what I know now I would have done it years ago and been a much happier person. But you have to be ready to do it for you, doing it for anyone else will not work.
You can't blaim him for being honest. You have to decide if you want this for you or for him. But I can guarentee you a few years from now you will regret NOT taking control of your weight now. Don't do it for him and let him decide what it is he wants, but you need to do it for you and decide what you want.
It is possible to work this out you just have to want to0 -
I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt then again how does he know those women are a size 4? Also, he commented on your weight. Get rid of that douche bag. I've been with my man for almost 10 years. I'm not married either! I was about 130lbs when we first met. During the course of our relationship, I put on over 100lbs. He easily put on a good 50-70, but he's tall (6'4") so it looks like nothing.
He has supported me through thick and thin literally. He has never made a comment on my weight. If he did, he's out. He makes comments about how I look rather than my weight, but all positive. Also, my boyfriend does not know what size I am such as jeans. He knows shirt sizes because I gloat about it. He also doesn't know my weight. He could pick me up either way. He has always found me sexy even when I don't think I look sexy.
Ultimately, don't change yourself because of one person. If you are happy where you're at, then stay.0 -
This ^^^and is there a possibility to get some counseling? On a personal note, my partner is big and has always been big. I have never been into "big" guys, but I love him for the beautiful caring person he is. His inner beauty draws me to him and is all the attraction I needYou have a lot going on and I am truly sorry you have been hurt. My best advice regarding losing weight is that you have to do it for yourself. Decide for yourself if you are ready to lose weight. There is a great support system here and lots of help. I know you have been hurt, I am so sorry.
THIS! I was 70 pounds heavier than I am now 8 years ago. I was in a sexless marriage. I wasn't big when that part started, but I GOT big. I think I thought if he found me physically disgusting it would be a reason for him not touching me that I could at least understand. Of course, that wasn't why (he had his own MAJOR issues that had nothing to do with me) but he let me believe it was my fault. I lived up to that expectation. When I finally started to snap out of it I RAN for counselling. Initially, I asked him to come too, but when he refused I went on my own. I realized a lot of things about myself and how I ended up in that marriage in the first place. I started losing the weight, NOT for HIM!!!! I did it for ME and who I knew I was under that fat and for the person I'd forgotten I truly was. I divorced him, and though I lost my home, my pets and my financial security, I found myself again which was the greatest prize of all! I am now married to a big, wonderful, sweet, gentle man who adores me small and adores me larger and just plain adores ME. I, too, was never into bigger men, but I don't even see it on him... I just see HIM and how lucky I am to have someone who would never hurt me the way my former husband did. If you truly love someone, their size doesn't matter, any more than it would matter if they became incapacitated in some way.
I'm not going to advise you to end your marriage... that is a decision only you can make, but I would strongly urge you to get counselling for yourself. And if you decide to lose the weight, do it to be healthier, not to please your husband or anyone else. This is YOUR life and your journey!0 -
I think you need to learn to to forgive and forget for the past with your husband. Overall you have two separate issues here: (1) your health and (2) your relationship with your husband.For your health you need to focus on yourself at this point and what you want.. Dont loose weight because you feel obligated too but because you want a healthier life and to be an example for your child(ren). Youre looking at weight loss the wrong way where you are already setting yourself up for failure. It should not be a chore or an obligation. It should be something you want for yourself.0
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You have a lot going on and I am truly sorry you have been hurt. My best advice regarding losing weight is that you have to do it for yourself. Decide for yourself if you are ready to lose weight. There is a great support system here and lots of help. I know you have been hurt, I am so sorry.
THIS^^^ plus I am soooooo tired of these men who think they are "SOOOO Perfect"" and can put these kind of stipulations on their wife. But the crazy part is they didn't say anything upfront, they just wait until a woman "catches on" to what they are trying to say.
I would not be with anyone not sexually satisfying me in a year so it depends on if you want your marriage.
My sister went through this in February and it's absolutely crazy. This stupid dude walked out on my sister with 4 children. Craziest thing is that she was a size 14 now she's a size 12 without even trying cause the stress got lifted.
Society makes men crazy with all this sex selling and the girls who can really look like magazine girls. They get alot of misconceptions. So yes this dude wanted my sister to be a size 6/8 at 5'8 which is pretty thin.
That's where I wanna be but it's my personal preference not for some guy.0 -
time to move on from your husband and work on making yourself happy... if dude has a problem with your weight did he marry you for you or did he marry you with the hopes you would become something else. maybe the stress of the marriage is the cause of your weight gain. put your big girl panties on and move on
Wrong answer. She's got to lose the weight. For her own physical health and her own mental health.0 -
I know it's a hard situation, and the truth is that he probably shouldn't have assumed that you were going to change, unless you made it clear to him that you intended to. However, people generally can't help what they are physically attracted to. I don't think he's really being all that douchy, just honest, and that only at your insistence. He's not asking you to change who you are from what you've written here. He's simply saying that he doesn't find you physically attractive. Now, I can readily see how that would be incredibly painful, but the fact is we are attracted to what we are attracted to. Obviously your husband is trying, or he wouldn't have spent 8 years trying to take back one thing that he said that hurt you.
The bottom line is that it's your choice. If you want to lose weight, do it. If not, then don't. Only you can do that, for whatever reason you decide is important.
*ducks and waits for bullets to fly
hahaha @ ducks... I agree with this wholeheartedly. Yes, it does suck majorly to have someone who you are in a marriage with to not find you attractive, but all of the above makes a whole lot of sense.0 -
Sweetheart I understand how you feel...but there is SO MUCH MORE to you than your weight! You have a personality, a heart, a soul....when it comes down to it your weight is overshadowed and outnumbered by these things! No man who makes you feel bad about yourself is worth it....0
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My advice would be for you to lose the weight and lose the man. You deserve better all around.0
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Here's my words of wisdom:
In the end it’s about being happy with who you are and what truly is important to you. That in the end, whatever they want from you isn’t important.
it’s about you!0 -
This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.
I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.
PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are
I am sure this ^ won't be the most popular post, but I have to agree with this poster.
OP, you said it yourself: you asked a stupid question, then you couldn't handle his truthful answer...and allowed it to eat away at your self esteem for your entire marriage. Lack of sex is probably based on this insecurity, as you undoubtedly lost confidence in yourself...and a confident fat person in the bedroom is MUCH more of a turn-on than a withdrawn, neurotic, self-critical bone rack.
However, I'm sure that, since he fantasizes about size 4's, your husband married you for more than your looks as you weren't a size 4 when you dated him, so I'm willing to bet that he loves you for YOU - the person you are on the INside - which is a LOT more than some marriages have going for them. If you have love between you, then you can build on that.
Your hubby seems to want to be totally honest in the marriage, so maybe it's time for you to be honest, too - with yourself. And by coming here, you have taken the first step in accepting that you have a problem and are willing to do something about it. xoxoxox
I agree with these posters -
At size 24 US you are probably in the morbidly obese range and losing weight would be beneficial for yourself and your child. If it is also beneficial for your marriage, all the better.
Losing weight will make you feel so good - more energy, feeling of control over yourself and your life.
You are probably depressed as well, which makes us see things badly.
Fantasies are private and should be kept so. Fantasies are just that - something people would probably never do or really want to do in a million years - it's just tweaking that spot in the brain.
You are a beautiful looking woman - losing weight will be so good for you in so many ways, but I know that the decision to start doing something about it is something you have to do for yourself. Doesn't matter how many people in your life or here on MFP tell you that, it is when you decide enough is enough, and do it because YOU want to.
I hope things work out for you - maybe talk to your husband, say how sad you feel, how bad you feel, no blaming. Maybe he has something going on in his head that is making him feel bad as well.
:flowerforyou:0 -
time to move on from your husband and work on making yourself happy... if dude has a problem with your weight did he marry you for you or did he marry you with the hopes you would become something else. maybe the stress of the marriage is the cause of your weight gain. put your big girl panties on and move on
Wrong answer. She's got to lose the weight. For her own physical health and her own mental health.
Exactly.
Not for him, but for her.
I would really advise on restarting her life by herself, and loose that weight, for HER, mostly for her health and self esteem (and her daughter too).0 -
Girl you to not walk but run to the nearest exit. My EX husband said to me, after 14 years " I just can't deal with the way you look any more". *kitten*****. Here it is 15 years later and it can still hurt me if i let it. Took me almost a year to myself esteem back up and realize I was worth more then that. And found a wonderful man who loves me exactly how I am, wrinkle and all.
Agree with the rest, their is someone out their waiting for out that is going to give out the love you deserve. Tell him to take a hike, then get a good lawyer.0 -
First, do it for you! Next, lose the weight for your daughter. Be a shining example for her that when you set your mind to do something, you can achieve anything you want in this world and no one will ever hold you back. Lose the weight to free yourself of the guilt you are burdening yourself with for the rocky marriage. At the end of the day, you are your own fulfillment. Dream big (or small!) and take each day one step and bite at a time. Be the woman you want your daughter to grow up to be.
Finally, you have tons of support on this site to help you with all the bumps along the way. Thanks for sharing and wishing you all the best.0
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