Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after

Bobby__Clerici

I had a similar experience.
When we married, I was fit, and after a terrible accident, I allowed myself to balloon.
She never said a thing.
I just noticed our sex life began to diminish. CLUE 1...
One day I asked....and my wife admitted that I was too fat to be attractive.
That's not what she married.
Fair enough.
It took 2 years, but I bucked up and lost most of the weight, and all is well today.
My wife was VERY supportive of my efforts and was already here on MFP.
Our situations are unique, and I can't advise you, but maybe knowing you're not alone helps.
I feel you...been through that pain.
:flowerforyou:

DonaA123

This is such a tough situation. I am sorry he is making you feel like crap. You do not deserve it, no one does. Please do not beat yourself up about it. It may be time to start to think about working on yourself for yourself, and not for him.

I totally agree with this

azalea617

First of all, you are GORGEOUS. (For real, I stalked your pics!) And you deserve to feel that way about yourself as well, not just hear someone saying it.

I'll repeat what everyone else has said: absolutely lose weight for yourself. I've had my grandmother tell me for years that I needed to lose weight and that I would be "beautiful" once I was "skinny." Joining this site has helped me get past my desire to lose weight to gain her approval. She will *always* find something to judge, because that's how she is (now it's the fact that I don't have a full-time job yet). Sounds like your husband might be similar...always needing something to disapprove of or think would be better.

Ultimately, you need to decide what the right choice for YOU is. Obviously, you want to be healthier since you joined this site. Health isn't just about your body; it's about your mind and soul too. And I think there are enough people on here that we can help everyone be healthy in every way!

I'm going to add you!

Wendysworld13

I was 100% in the same situation as you. 5 years into our relationship I was told "I am not attracted to you anymore - your weight is a big turn-off to me" - I mean WOW. WTF. What happened to loving who I was, not what I looked like??? I tried to lose the weight and what happened was that I resented every calorie I was not eating. The relationship was over - yours is too, unfortunately. You can not take those words back and only you can make the hurt go away by being okay with who you are and where you are - It has taken me 20 years to learn this. I am now with someone who loves me no matter what. We work out together and talk about issues rather than ultimatums - lose weight or lose me. My answer to that is don't let the door hit ya on the way out!
Seriously hon, I can tell you that you need to be healthy for you and if you are a healthy size 24 then be happy with you and tell him to take a hike. I yoyo and wherever I am if I am uncomfortable with me I look at where I am and what I am doing - the only one who puts food in my mouth is me - and I control that. Take control of your life and be happy where you are and if you are not happy then do something about your weight - otherwise, tell him to pound salt and vaya con dios!
Good luck!

Momma_Grizz

the thing now is...you cannot predict what will happen with him but you can predict what will happen if you lose weight and get fit-

you will be healthier and happier...so no matter what he does or doesnt do, losing the weight and getting fit is a win win.

focus on what is good for you and your health..then see what happens when you are fitter and healthier

This! You won't be able to sustain a weight loss for anyone but you. And I suspect once you get some self-esteem back, you'll be able to figure out what you want and need to do. Good luck. This is not an easy situation but you need to take care of you now..

^^^These. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts - I was there, in that same place, for years. But a light went on for me at its worst point and I started my weight loss, not for him but for me. My relationship took a turn for the better after that and with a lot of hard work and forgiveness on both our parts, we are still together - but it was a close one that's for sure. I'm also sure it was partly due to my increased self-esteem. Whatever you do, do it for first and foremost for yourself - not for anybody else.

jennifer_417

I know it's a hard situation, and the truth is that he probably shouldn't have assumed that you were going to change, unless you made it clear to him that you intended to. However, people generally can't help what they are physically attracted to. I don't think he's really being all that douchy, just honest, and that only at your insistence. He's not asking you to change who you are from what you've written here. He's simply saying that he doesn't find you physically attractive. Now, I can readily see how that would be incredibly painful, but the fact is we are attracted to what we are attracted to. Obviously your husband is trying, or he wouldn't have spent 8 years trying to take back one thing that he said that hurt you.
The bottom line is that it's your choice. If you want to lose weight, do it. If not, then don't. Only you can do that, for whatever reason you decide is important.

*ducks and waits for bullets to fly

Redbird99ky

OMG .... I am so sorry for you for having to deal with that ...

I agree with the poster who said that after you lose the weight he will find something else to not like about you ... either that, or he'll be CONSTANTLY watching what you eat, and belittling you for any slip-up. He sounds like a controlling jerk who is very superficial.

All that being said, it is true that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Sweetheart, hold your head up HIGH and know that regardless of what he says, regardless of what size you are, you ARE beautiful. God doesn't make mistakes. God made you in His image, and THAT makes you a beauty queen.

I think it's time that you evaluate your relationship. Do you have a pastor you can talk to, or perhaps a counselor of some sort? You know, someone to vent to and to bounce things off of.

Whatever you do, do it for you, because that is the only way it will stick with you. You can't change his attitude, you can't change his behaviour, you can't change how he feels about you. The only thing you can change is how you respond to it. DO NOT let him bring you down. You are better than that. My prayers are with you.

RunDoozer

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

theoneandonlybrookie

I know it's a hard situation, and the truth is that he probably shouldn't have assumed that you were going to change, unless you made it clear to him that you intended to. However, people generally can't help what they are physically attracted to. I don't think he's really being all that douchy, just honest, and that only at your insistence. He's not asking you to change who you are from what you've written here. He's simply saying that he doesn't find you physically attractive. Now, I can readily see how that would be incredibly painful, but the fact is we are attracted to what we are attracted to. Obviously your husband is trying, or he wouldn't have spent 8 years trying to take back one thing that he said that hurt you.
The bottom line is that it's your choice. If you want to lose weight, do it. If not, then don't. Only you can do that, for whatever reason you decide is important.

*ducks and waits for bullets to fly

I actually agree with you. It sucks that he waited so long to let you know what was really happening, because he has been neglecting and hurting you in an attempt to protect your feelings. But it sounds like he really does love YOU, who you are inside.

So I'm going to be one of the few who say that your relationship isn't necessarily over but I highly recommend therapy. It saved my marriage when it seemed the damage was irreparable and now we're both so happy.

Best of luck to you.

primal7

I am sorry you are in the situation you are in.

As previous post you have to want too lose weight for you to be successful in your weight lost goal.
It might be that you want to lose weight for yourself, but because everyone else is telling you to lose weight, you are resisting being told by anyone else, but yourself, what is good for you. A majority of us do not like being told what to do
Only you know what is best for you!

Take care of yourself, let him take care of himself and ask yourself why you continue to give him the power to dictate your thoughts and moods and do you want to keep giving him that power over you?

You are strong, powerful, and an adult and can do what ever is best for you!

Give yourself permission to take care of you and put yourself first! You deserve it!

Lynn_is_happy

I appreciate your take on this and it is nice to hear. I agree that for me it wasn't a weight issue at all but a confidence thing. When I lost 25lbs, I felt more confident and he seemed to pick up on that. I also agree that we all fantasize and there is nothing wrong with that. It is kind of fun to share in that experience with your spouse if willing. Thanks.

Lynn_is_happy

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

I appreciate your take on this and it is nice to hear. I agree that for me it wasn't a weight issue at all but a confidence thing. When I lost 25lbs, I felt more confident and he seemed to pick up on that. I also agree that we all fantasize and there is nothing wrong with that. It is kind of fun to share in that experience with your spouse if willing. Thanks.

loneworg

I used to be married to a man who was not attracted to me. It was miserable! I'd have probably changed into something he would have desired, if I could have,

but he was into pretty girls and I, well....can't afford the amount of plastic surgery that would have taken.

Looking back, I'm glad it didn't work out. A lifetime of having someone "settle" for me would have been way worse than being 30 and divorced is.

.
.
.
but those are your choices:

attempt to make a sexless, unhappy marriage work

change just to please his tastes

move on and meet someone who appreciates you for you; shape and all

Shut your face! You are HOTT!

juliec33

Please go see a counselor! If both of you go that would be even better. I agree with the poster who said that 8.5 years shouldn't be thrown away that easily. I bet there are other issues in the marriage too. Counseling will help you figure out what is best for you in this relationship.

Bobby__Clerici

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

The quackers are fast to advise punishment to some guy who was merely honest.
I truly don't know this husband's heart, but having been in the same situation but in reverse, I'd never have considered divorcing my wife for being honest.
So long as there was no infidelity, preserve the marriage.

Bobby__Clerici

Please go see a counselor! If both of you go that would be even better. I agree with the poster who said that 8.5 years shouldn't be thrown away that easily. I bet there are other issues in the marriage too. Counseling will help you figure out what is best for you in this relationship.

^^^^^^^
THIS!

banks89202

I had over 100lbs to drop and I hav 60ish more to go so I know you can do it! The difference between you and me is that my husband wants me to be overweight...which is gross to me and he thinks if I get skinny then I'm going to leave him lol. I'm getting skinny for me not for him and if he is still along for the ride when I'm done making myself happy then so be it, and if not then see ya! Do this for you!

mell6355

I thought my marriage was over, not to long ago. I think it had a lot to do with how unhappy I was with myself. I had accomplished a lot in the year but my weight wasn't one of them. I have now lost 2/3 rds of my excess weight and along with a lot of communication we are moving in the right direction. your husbands an *kitten* for what he said but we can all be *kitten* sometimes. You decide if your marriage is worth fighting for and then you fight. That may include losing weight but that is for you first and he will reap the rewards of your hard work too!

Grizwife1

Maybe the two of you need to take a serious look at your marriage, possibly with the help of a counselor, and find out if there's something else that's a problem. Your weight is just on the outside...it's not who you are as a person on the inside. But if you have "let yourself go" you're probably not feeling very good about yourself and he probably senses that. Happiness comes from inside you, not outside you.

As for your weight, don't do it for him, but work on it for you. Losing some weight, in your own way and your own time, will improve your outlook for the future and your self-esteem. And then when your disposition and self-esteem improves, he'll sense that and maybe you two can work things out.

As for him fantasizing about other women, he's still coming home to you, right? My husband and I have a phrase/agreement. We can still look at the "menu", we just can't order from it anymore. :-) We are totally committed to each other, but it is only human nature to notice a person who's attractive.

Good luck!

MrsLehman24

You deserve to be happy and feel pretty and sexy.