Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after

Lipstickcherry

Well, you have 5 pages of people ranging from comments like "dump the douche" to "He was being honest" to "go see a consular".

Notice that some people are totally projecting their own story on to yours. This doesn't mean that their situation is YOURS. It is up to you to decide what step(s) to take. I don't know enough from your story to make much of response. I will say if he is passive aggressive (e.g. doing small things under the radar to hurt/upset you, then pretending he didn't do them), then your marriage is in real trouble. If he is cheating, then your marriage is in real trouble. If however he is just telling you he finds size 4 women attractive, I wouldn't freak out. You asked and he provided the honest answer. Does he have any good qualities? You might want to list those.

LoriIone

Well, does he think HE has the perfect body or something? I think the problem is him, not you. If you wanna lose weight, do it for yourself. not him. You are beautiful no matter your weight Good luck!

sgv0918

Harsh but he was also straight up. If you want to make the marriage work then do it. But the weight loss has to be for you not him. As you lose your health, activity level, and hopefully self esteem will improve. Work on yourself but work as a couple too. If he isn't a cheater and he is a good provider you can't fault him for answering a question u probably didn't want to hear. This could be a stepping stone to a better future

amber1533

I will probably be the only person here who semi agrees with your husband. If you asked him his opinion and he was honest with you, even though it's near impossible to not be angry when the answer is not what you want to hear, you have to understand you have asked him these questions. I don't think it's fair of him to have married you and "hoped you'd get skinny" because some people are very happy at their weight and never want to lose it.

I don't want to say "leave him" cause that doesn't sound like something you are interested in from your original post. Here is what I suggest.

Sit down and figure out exactly why YOU want to lose weight. Is it just for him to find you sexy? Cause that is no guarantee. Or do you want a healthier life? You have to suss out what you want most.

If it DOES come down to I either lose weight or my husband I always go with the old adage "If you don't want me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best."

Trust me there are plenty of men out there that DO want you.I don't think losing weight is a reason to leave someone but if it is a problem that affects your whole life then the blame of not being satisfied falls on you both and you start blaming each other. That is not the goal. Sit down with him and talk to him about what could make your marriage stronger without you changing your outer self.

Carolyn_79

I won't get into too many details but my husband admitted to me that he wasn't attracted to me when I asked him before my weight loss. I was devastated and cried for days. The fact is though, I asked him to be honest and he was. He loved me but he wasn't comfortable with my weight.

Our relationship was also extremely rocky. I was so miserable with my weight that back in January I decided enough was enough and I was going to lose it. My husband was my greatest support during the process. I lost the weight for me and I also discovered that as I gained more confidence and became happier, our relationship improved, and my outlook on our relationship improved. Today I'm proud to say were very happy.

I blamed him for the issues we had whereas I can see now how my unhappiness affected our relationship. This may not be your situation at all but I wanted to share my story with you. I think if your husband married you then he loves you. Perhaps ask him to support you as you embark on your weight loss journey and hopefully that will help bring the two of you closer together.

love22step

Although I didn't question my husband regarding my weight, and he never said anything, I knew that, although he loved me, he no longer found me attractive. From little comments he made about other women before we were married, I knew heavy women were a turn-off for him. In our case, I agreed with him about my need to get in shape! I didn't like being fat, either! It took me several years of halfhearted attempts to lose weight and slim down before I made the change. Pictures of me at a family reunion finally established my resolve to fix the problem. Finding this website within a few days after my decision to lose the weight was my answer on how to succeed. I'm no longer embarrassed to be seen or photographed, and my husband is, again, proud to be seen with me. Besides that, he thinks I'm sexy! We're both happier and more comfortable with each other.

If you're truly comfortable with your size and want to maintain or gain, it's probably going to continue to be a problem in your marriage. Maybe counseling could help one of you change your mind or help both of you reach a compromise? If you're a praying woman, I suggest you do that. If you're a praying couple, pray together. Good luck and God bless you. I wish you the best.

Ashlea_M

because once you lose the weight for him he will have new reasons not to love you.

I also very much agree with this sentence.

I agree with this too

Susie3501

I'm 64 & married to a man 15 yrs younger. We are both overweight. After the 1st year our marriage started going down hill. A few years ago he said I needed to lose weight (he's over 300 lbs & doesn't care) and he said it on our anniversary. I no longer love this man (I'm better than him) but cannot divorce due to finances which I'm working on. I've lost a total of 33 lbs since July '12 and now he's asking why am I losing weight, how much am I losing and just looks at me when someone says "you've lost weight and it looks good". Our marriage is over & I'm losing weight for me, to get off my HBP meds, high cholesterol meds and to have more energy for things I want to do. I'm retired and MFP has been a wonderful app for me to use. Husband is not supportive but my family, who lives away from me, is. This weight loss is for ME! I really don't care what he thinks. This is just my story. I'm wishing you much success in whatever you decide, but it has to be for you and NO ONE ELSE!:happy:

billsica

Don't beat him up over fantasies. They are just that. I know I don't fantasize about celebs, but "real life" girls.

You two need a marriage counselor.

libbymcbain

I used to be married to a man who was not attracted to me. It was miserable! I'd have probably changed into something he would have desired, if I could have,

but he was into pretty girls and I, well....can't afford the amount of plastic surgery that would have taken.

Looking back, I'm glad it didn't work out. A lifetime of having someone "settle" for me would have been way worse than being 30 and divorced is.

.
.
.
but those are your choices:

attempt to make a sexless, unhappy marriage work

change just to please his tastes

move on and meet someone who appreciates you for you; shape and all

Shut your face! You are HOTT!

Agreed!

jkimmett

This is so tough. I too was in an unhappy marriage. With my husband for 18 years, married for 12 years. I started out a size 24/26, have within the last 2 years worked my but off and lost 138lbs, now a size 4. Before we would have sex 1-2 times a year. I was lonely and sad. I didn't know what to do. He didn't seem attracted to me. Now, I never asked that question. But now, we have sex at least once a week, usually more. There are so many reasons for this. Yes, he is more attracted to me. But, I am also more confident, happy and feeling sexual. Is it bad that he is more attracted to me now, I don't know. Sometimes it does hurt, but I am not leaving him for it, its something we have to work through together. He did once say he wasn't attracted to me before and it really hurt and I cried a lot over it before I told him how much it hurt. He said he immediately regretted saying that when he said it, but its still like a tape in my head saying over and over that he wasn't attracted to me. I don't know, its something you have to work through yourself and see if you want to stay or not. We can't tell you what to do, just tell you our experiences. I will be thinking of you though and wishing you all the best.

runzalot81

Words can hurt a lot. And they can make you think it's over.

Around 3 years of marriage, I screamed in my husband's face, "I hate you!!! The entire world hates you!!!!!" And more. I thought he was going to leave me and I got a little excited. But he didn't leave.

Somehow, we moved on. We lived like roommates for a long time and yo-yo'd somewhere between okay and miserable for a couple of years.

Around 5 to 6 years of marriage, we found our way back together. For so long, it seemed like we were just living parallel lives, but our individual lines of growth and healing were actually moving us closer together.

We've been together for 8 years now. Marriage is like another job sometimes. Most of the time :laugh: But I have to say that it's way easier and better than it was during those first few years.

myJOF

Matthew 6:33

libbymcbain

Maybe it would help to reflect on some other things...

1. Is he a good husband in other ways (kind, supportive, loving, funny, helpful...)?
2. Does he ever make comments about your weight or other aspects of your being and try to put you down or be cruel to you. If yes, I would say get out. If not, then maybe you have something to work with. If the only time he has ever purposefully spoken to you about his is at your insistence, then you have to take a bit of responsibility for your own hurt.
3. It sounds like the discussion you had years ago has breached a little trust for both of you- his answer hurt you, your insistence on an answer invaded his privacy a little. And that original breach of trust has grown and festered and come between you. Maybe he thought you were asking what kind of figure he liked so you could take action to become like it. You didn't mean that, but it is a reasonable interpretation.So he feels like a promise was made that wasn't kept? Maybe what you need to heal is that original breach of trust and misunderstanding, as well coming to an understanding of the issues around it- like confidence, feeling close to one another and so on. And you did ask the question, insist on an answer and then shoot him for being honest. Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to and don't push someone to answer when they are uncomfortable doing so. He could have felt interrogated and both guilty for answering "wrong" and hurt by being interrogated. Have you spent the last 8 years trying to make that up to him?
4. It is difficult, if you love someone, to see them damage themselves. My mother smoked right up til she died, and it really hurt me to watch her do it. On the one hand I knew it was her choice to do it, but that didn't make me like or make it easy for me to watch. As a plus size girl, you might have been doing yourself a bit of harm, but at size 24 you are in a situation akin to smoking. That will hurt your relationship with yourself and it could be difficult for him. Maybe he doesn't want to be a widower for a long part of his life.
5. If he is otherwise kind and nice to you, then realise that he is still there, and that he has been trying for 8 years to make up something to you. That says a lot about how he feels about you.

Lyssa62

I am not going to read all the replies. I too am in a loveless, sexless marriage. Mine is on my part though. I seriously do NOT like my husband anymore.
...but yeah the things you said...I'd be kicking his *kitten* to the curb...and my first question is what does he look like? Guys that say **** like that are usually not the best looking guys.

briannadunn

I would get marriage counseling and nutritional counseling to help with both.

msbunnie68

I see a lot of projection going on in this thread. And a lot of knee jerk defensiveness without going a little deeper than 2 comments that your husband has made. Cries of "Dump him" and "It's all his fault" are a bit extreme without knowing the complete ins and outs of your situation.

My observations from your initial post.

1) You ask him about a private fantasy early in your relationship. At this stage you were a happy go lucky size 14. Then you asked about his private fantasy. Quite often, when a sexual partner asks about a fantasy, it can imply an interest in moving to another step sexually - fulfilling the fantasy. This is where he may have gotten the idea that because you ask what turned him on you were then going to try to BE that for him. Instead, you let that undermine your own confidence. I wonder at this point whether you were already honestly a little unhappy with your body. A truly confident woman at that point would not have let this bother her.

2) You guys married. It is a contract of sorts - love honour etc etc... now how much has he changed since you married? How much have you changed? Has he changed so much from the showroom version so that you cannot live another day with him? Do you feel really disappointed with your 'purchase' and if so do you have a right to feel like this? (With this I am not saying his reactions to your weight, I am saying him in general - the sort of person he is, what he is like physically - do you still like what you see objectively?)...Now look at it from his point of view - his contract was with a size 14 happy go lucky person. Are you still that? Does he have a right to feel unhappy with what he has now?

Your biggest problem is that the two of you are not very good communicators. You have dealt with the hurt of not feeling good enough since comparing yourself to his fantasy girls by comfort eating. He is dealing with the hurt and guilt he feels first by trying not to notice the differences or pretend that they don't matter, then awkwardly expressing how he feels about this when you paint him into an unescapable corner. A weight increase from size 14 to size 24 IS a big deal. You know that deep down. It is big deal for you personally (you felt it when you were size 14 let alone now). Others telling you that you need to lose weight and you feeling like you don't want to is a defense mechanism. You have pushed all your feelings down with food. You don't want to let them out because they hurt. You are terrified by what you are going to feel and really SEE if you admit that you want to lose the weight too - and more than a bit scared about the 'what ifs' if you aren't successful.

Now is the time for you to be true to your own self. DO you need to lose weight? Yes you do. Are the people telling you that you need to lose weight being controlling? No they are not. They are being truthful. Are they trying to hurt you? No, they love you and are scared of losing you. Is your husband a *kitten*. No he is not. He is awkward and a bad communicator and a visual creature (as most males are) but if he was a true douche then he would be constantly belittling you and humping everything in sight. Does he still love you? He is still there isn't he. What are the most important things you need to consider with your weight? Your health. Your daughter. Your life. If these are not enough motivation for you then I fear the only time you will truly see the need is a major health scare.

I wish you luck in your journey and hope that you can focus on the bigger picture here. Good luck.

Improvised

because once you lose the weight for him he will have new reasons not to love you.

I also very much agree with this sentence.

I agree with this too

I disagree. He didn't say he didn't love her. That he said he wanted her to lose weight is just being honest, nothing more. I would prefer my husband tell me that than to lie and say he was fine with it. If my husband ever puts on a bunch of weight, to where its unhealthy amd I find it unattractive, I will say something about it. That's what you're supposed to do.

Improvised

I see a lot of projection going on in this thread. And a lot of knee jerk defensiveness without going a little deeper than 2 comments that your husband has made. Cries of "Dump him" and "It's all his fault" are a bit extreme without knowing the complete ins and outs of your situation.

My observations from your initial post.

1) You ask him about a private fantasy early in your relationship. At this stage you were a happy go lucky size 14. Then you asked about his private fantasy. Quite often, when a sexual partner asks about a fantasy, it can imply an interest in moving to another step sexually - fulfilling the fantasy. This is where he may have gotten the idea that because you ask what turned him on you were then going to try to BE that for him. Instead, you let that undermine your own confidence. I wonder at this point whether you were already honestly a little unhappy with your body. A truly confident woman at that point would not have let this bother her.

2) You guys married. It is a contract of sorts - love honour etc etc... now how much has he changed since you married? How much have you changed? Has he changed so much from the showroom version so that you cannot live another day with him? Do you feel really disappointed with your 'purchase' and if so do you have a right to feel like this? (With this I am not saying his reactions to your weight, I am saying him in general - the sort of person he is, what he is like physically - do you still like what you see objectively?)...Now look at it from his point of view - his contract was with a size 14 happy go lucky person. Are you still that? Does he have a right to feel unhappy with what he has now?

Your biggest problem is that the two of you are not very good communicators. You have dealt with the hurt of not feeling good enough since comparing yourself to his fantasy girls by comfort eating. He is dealing with the hurt and guilt he feels first by trying not to notice the differences or pretend that they don't matter, then awkwardly expressing how he feels about this when you paint him into an unescapable corner. A weight increase from size 14 to size 24 IS a big deal. You know that deep down. It is big deal for you personally (you felt it when you were size 14 let alone now). Others telling you that you need to lose weight and you feeling like you don't want to is a defense mechanism. You have pushed all your feelings down with food. You don't want to let them out because they hurt. You are terrified by what you are going to feel and really SEE if you admit that you want to lose the weight too - and more than a bit scared about the 'what ifs' if you aren't successful.

Now is the time for you to be true to your own self. DO you need to lose weight? Yes you do. Are the people telling you that you need to lose weight being controlling? No they are not. They are being truthful. Are they trying to hurt you? No, they love you and are scared of losing you. Is your husband a *kitten*. No he is not. He is awkward and a bad communicator and a visual creature (as most males are) but if he was a true douche then he would be constantly belittling you and humping everything in sight. Does he still love you? He is still there isn't he. What are the most important things you need to consider with your weight? Your health. Your daughter. Your life. If these are not enough motivation for you then I fear the only time you will truly see the need is a major health scare.

I wish you luck in your journey and hope that you can focus on the bigger picture here. Good luck.

Agree with this 100%!!!!!!