Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after

edennew

It is very difficult to give advice to another person about how to manage your marriage & all its related issues . As an outsider, I am not privy to all your day to day dealings with your spouse. What has served me well in my 20 plus relatioship with my life partner is I had outlined both in my head & verbally communicated to him what were dealer breakers in our relationship. Throughout the years I have always expressed my feelings. My husband does not express himself as easily as I do but, I had to learn to read his cues.

As years go by in a relationship, we can start to take each other for granted. The key ingredient is to keep talking to each other. Remember, the only person you can change is yourself. Find your personal happiness & work on improving yourself. When you focus on your own self improvement it translates to all aspect of your life. The old saying of "Happy wife makes for a Happy life" is so true. The validation must come from within first & when it comes from others it is just an added bonus.

Work on finding "the vivacious you" for you & then you can reevaluate the overall health of your relationship. Stay strong!

Really lovely advice!

StacyPhillipsTSFLcoach

I am sorry you are experiencing such sadness in your relationship right now. I do have a different perspective, though, because I went through a similar revelation with my husband about 8 years ago. We've been married 21 years now, and just celebrated our anniversary 2 days ago.

We took a class called "His Needs, Her Needs" and in it, the men and the women list, in order of priority, what their needs are.

My husband had a need to have an attractive spouse. Many husbands do have that need. I knew that I was not doing my best to fulfill HIS need to have an attractive spouse being 100+ pounds over weight. So although I lost the weight for ME, I was happy that I was also providing my hubby much joy and fulfilling a real need in his life for the relationship.

I agree that a husband should love his wife no matter her size, and I also agree that many husbands have the unfulfilled need of having an attractive spouse. That is just the nuts and bolts of it, I have found. I hope this helps! No one who looks at my two "before" pictures in my avatar can argue that I was presenting my best self to him, to the world, OR to myself. And I'm OK saying that about me.

Ultimately it is about Health, though. It isn't healthy to carry that much extra weight around, I was putting myself at a hugely increased risk of many obesity-driven diseases. I feel better and am more healthy being a normal weight now. And that is really the bottom line. For me anyway.

jessadany

How much does he weigh? Ill tell ya what ya gotta do... come home from the gym and tell the hubs that you. Found out how to lose a lot of weight really fast, when he asks how you tell him to pack his bags!

jinkhet

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

This is good advice.

Also, with only your take on the situation, I don't honestly see how anyone can advise you about actions to take in your marriage: its likely that the other person in this equation would provide a different take on things (different, not right or wrong). Own being healthy for your sake, not anyone else's - I think its the only way to be both physically _and_ mentally at peace

chervil6

i would grab your self esteem and run , he sounds like a moron , ask yourself if you really think he's that perfect why does he make you feel so bad all the time .......

NCchar130

OP I am so sorry you are hurt. I would feel hurt too. And a sexless marriage is a hard thing for sure.

I was a skinny size 4 when I met my husband. Gained 70 pounds rapidly about 3 years into the relationship. Food was my self-medication choice when some terrible life events happened (deaths in the family, plus other stuff). My husband has never been critical of me, but the sex diminished a lot from where it had been. I decided NOT to try to force him to admit that he was less attracted to me physically. Unfortunately though, I think it's a cold hard truth that physical attraction isn't something entirely within our control. So I can't blame that on him. I am very thankful that I didn't try to force the truth out of him and that he didn't harass me about it either. I can't get my mind in gear to lose 'for' someone else (it tends to trigger eating disorder behavior in me) but within about 6 months of the gain, I was trying to lose it for me. I didn't feel sexy anymore, wanted total darkness in the bedroom, that sort of thing. Maybe that contributed more to the reduction in sex than his feelings. But I haven't had much success until now (it's been about 8 years of carrying this 70 pounds around).

To be fair, my husband once gained a good 30-40 pounds when he went to a more sedentary job. I didn't reject him any more than he did me, but if I'm being totally honest in my head, I found him less attractive than before. That doesn't, to me, have anything to do with how much I love him or how much he loves me, it's a physical attraction thing that we can't really help.

I think that considering the time you've been together that the other posters who suggested counseling instead of rushing to leave him is the best idea. I am so sorry that you are hurting and I wish you all the best. :flowerforyou:

sunnyside1213

the thing now is...you cannot predict what will happen with him but you can predict what will happen if you lose weight and get fit-

you will be healthier and happier...so no matter what he does or doesnt do, losing the weight and getting fit is a win win.

focus on what is good for you and your health..then see what happens when you are fitter and healthier

This. Eat clean, give up processed foods and all soda, drink water - lots, make sure not to stint on your protein, and get moving. I log every day and it' kept me accountable. Good luck Remember, if you don't start now, in a year you will be sorry.

umachanxo

I'm sorry that he is making you feel hurt. But at least he is being perfectly honest about what he finds attractive. You yourself admit that you are overweight, and I have a feeling that you may have asked him a lot because you wanted the answer that you already knew yourself.

I was a bigger girl when I first met my husband. I gained about 50 pounds in the first year that we were living together, and I think that his image of me did change and that he was less attracted to me. He never did admit it, but I wish he would have. I've lost the weight, and am almost at my goal, and I do feel that he is much more attracted to me. Instead of feeling bitter about it, though, I realize that healthy is a lot more sexy than not. And I can't change his taste, just like he can't change mine.

You are joining this journey and I know you will do great. It's not about "who wants it more" or who "deserves it more". If you want it at all - then you deserve it.

You need to lose this weight for you. I would suggest going to a marital counselor if your marriage is rocky and you feel it may be in trouble. But the lack of sex may be because of several reasons. You say that maybe it's because he's not attracted to you - but let me ask you this: how do YOU feel about your body? Do you feel attractive? Do you feel sexy around him? It may be partially his taste but it could also be how you feel too. If you don't feel sexy, then I know that it can be hard to have sex with someone.

If you need any tips or advice, feel free to message me.

Pamtime22

Sounds like your hubby is insecure person and may feel the need to put you down to feel superior. He may actually be afraid of losing you. You should be appreciated for you. Set your own personal goals, because you are a beautiful caring person. It is more about you, not others that should really work on themselves instead of criticizing you. You can achieve whatever you want. But remember it takes time and dedication and you may need support from others with same goals. You can do it!

aliann30

wow...girl, I feel for you. I don't even know what I would do in that situation. First I'll tell you that you WILL NOT succeed if you are ONLY doing it for him, and you most definitely will not lose any anger or resentment - until you are ready to do this, you will more than likely self-sabotage because you resent it so much.

Where are YOU comfortable at? Were you comfortable at a size 12? You do it for you. I'm not going to tell you to ditch your husband - I mean..not gonna lie he sounds like a douche. I would get it if he were attracted to you the way you were when you got married. But you don't marry someone hoping that they'll become something they aren't - you know what kind of person does that? A person who couldn't get the other woman that he wants you to look like so badly. So he marries you and tries to make you her instead.

But I'm not going to say leave him - that's your prerogative. I just know that I would be afraid that the rest of my life would be covered in pressure to stay thin (or a never-ending pursuing of some ideal image that you are supposed to obtain) and fear/self consciousness of what else is wrong with me that he doesn't like. Just sounds like a miserable existence.

Have you thought about counseling? I agree with others who say you can't control what you are attracted to and I KNOW if you asked my husband which he preferred - the me he married or the 50 lbs heavier me, he'd say he me he married. The difference is, he married ME with the hopes of ME being ME, not me morphing into someone else. I think you need a counselor who could mediate a MAJOR conversation about all this with the two of you.

Asmatalha

aww thats really sad...best of lucki for u

EweCreekCottage

The only voice and opinion u need to listen to is your own- (the still small quiet voice inside of you) - that will always guide you down the right path best of luck.

YourGirl_Tina

I just want to thank everyone for all there input! I am by no means perfect and I know no matter what I need to work on myself for me! Thanks guys!

louiselebeau

Pardon my language but **** THAT DUDE! You should do the hardest thing and go find someone who loves all of you and is not so shallow as to pin attractiveness on your pants size.

MusicInMyHeart

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. As a 3rd party watching from the outside, if I were you I would leave him and get healthy for your own well-being & happiness. But I realize that saying this and actually DOING it are two different things. You have to ask yourself, 'Is this worth it?' Only you can make the decision.

I really hope you do leave him, get healthy, and find a hot latin cabana boy Good luck to you!

sho3girl

Ah yes forgot to add that... I asked him why he married me if he was not into bigger girls. I said did you secretly hope I would loss the weight and become something you liked better? He said Yes.......

Gosh honey this is alwful *sending you hugs** ard SORRY but that is not a reason to marry someone.

I learnt the hard way about not asking a question you're not prepared to hear the "bad answer" too.

Good luck with everything

NeverGivesUp

my hubby loved me at 230 lbs and he loves me now. I am so sorry you are in this situation. Sounds like you married the wrong guy. A good man will love you through thick and thin and will just want the best for you, not for his sake. My hubby never put any pressure on me and his unconditional love actuall inspires me to take care of myself for me. Having a fear of losing someone based on your physical appearance is just awful. I am sure things will work out the way they are meant to. Don't do it for him, do it for you.

Bentley2718

Ah yes forgot to add that... I asked him why he married me if he was not into bigger girls. I said did you secretly hope I would loss the weight and become something you liked better? He said Yes.......

Marriages where one person expects to be able to change the other person in a major way rarely work out well. I think you want to put some serious though into what will make you happier, and talk to someone you trust who knows you, maybe even a professional about your situation and how you feel. As others have said, it sounds to me like a time for a major change, but I don't know that much about your life, and ultimately, only you can decide what you are willing to live with.

P.S. If it were me, and I lost weight because of pressure from a man, I know I would resent him for it. You're not me, so maybe you won't, but if you're already worried about it, there is probably a reason.

momw3boys

OK Girlfriend... I am now a VERY happy divorcee.When I was dating my husband in 1998 I was a size 12. He actually said to me "you are the biggest girl I have ever been with". I found out in 2010 he cheated on me in 2003 when our son was 3. I than realized we were going through the motions., by this time i was 208 pounds 5' 4".. I dropped him and 60 pounds ! You have to love you, and realize you have one life LIVE IT !! Never mind being skinny.... be healthy, for you

Pixi_Rex

I know you have kids (or at least one) but really what is better staying in a toxic relationship which tells your children it is OK to settle for less than you are worth or leaving the toxic relationship, stepping out on your own, learning to love yourself all over, setting an example that you should never just accept less than you are work?

There is life after a crap relationship. You need to do this for you and not for the hope that your husband will just all of a sudden love you because you dropped 100 pounds, I highly doubt he will ever be satisfied. Sounds like you need to do what best for you (and only you will know what that is) but do some serious thinking.

If you are dead set on staying in a toxic relationship you need to realize that you will just wilt further and further away from who you used to be.