My Husband called me a fat @zz yesterday

itsmyvwbeetle

Let me explain, children are from a previous marriage and my "new" 4 month husband is with us now. I haven't updated my profile in a while.

Ah, I see. Maybe this is how he really is? Now that he's 'got' you he thinks it's safe to show his behind. I would not suggest divorce at this point, but you MUST nip this in the bud now. Verbal abuse is a terrible thing to endure...if he's willing to call you this now it's only going to get worse unless he knows up front you will not tolerate it.

YES! YES! YES! I agree with this. My husband (me 37 him 31) has acted pretty much the same way. His bad behavior has rocked the steady ground of our marriage. He started his crap soon after we wed (honeymoon was over when I said "I do"). It got worse and worse until finally I had enough. I started making plans to get the heck out of dodge. He finally started to grow up and act right. He no longer calls me names and he treats me with the respect I deserve. I cant say we will be happily married forever but I can say I have put in my time and worked as hard as I can to make this marriage work. If I walk, it wont be due to lack of effort. We still have our down days but things have progressively gotten better over the last few months (we've been married a little over 2 years now). I can actually start to see a future with him, the one I saw but he shattered soon after we got married. Good luck!! Only you can decide which way to go.

Oh and good job on the counseling. We did this seminar called operation us. It was a 7 week long, once a week meeting. It was very helpful during the 7 weeks but as soon as class finished he was right back to his old behavior.

_Timmeh_

You need to find out what you can do to prevent him from becoming so angry.

And then make him his favorite sammich ?

brandygwen

No matter how angry my fiancé would ever get at me - he would NEVER say that kind of thing. That just crossed the line.

sunsnstatheart

its all about if he makes it up to you and makes you feel better

This is how women in physically abusive relationships justify staying in those relationships.
A diamond ring does not make up for cheating. A concert does not take away the hurt of name calling. And a new car does not fix the fact that he gave you a black eye. That type of thinking is just not healthy.

your just supposing I mean making it up by buying things, I am talking about him saying he was sorry and talking about how he didn't mean that. in my case my husband and I can both be verbilly abusive to each other lol, but we have thick skin, also for the record I don't cry I get pissed and yell so pleas don't imagine me this frall poor little girl, cause I am far from that

and as far as phisically abusive PLEAS if he ever hit me (which he would never ever do) we would both beat the **** out of each other lol, I am not some weak little girl! nah ah!

Ah yes. The thread is already at black eyes and beatings. Perhaps we should all take a step back and realize that the OP and her husband got into a shouting match. He said some things and she may have but she hasn't elaborated. She even mentioned that she didn't want to husband bash. Take a breath. Curious what really happened OP. Care to elaborate?

kobiemom

Your husband has the emotional maturity of a sperm. If counseling isn't an option and he does it again, tell him you're about to lose 200 lbs. of ugly fat and kick his *kitten* to the curb.

Skeels

What a ****

Navotc

28 or 8?

Calling someone names isn't acceptable, ever. Even in anger.

Your husband sounds like he has some issues of his own. What he is doing is abusive & manipulative-and its working.

The only advice I can suggest is to see a counselor/therapist-even if its on your own. You do not deserve that treatment.

And if you'll notice, I haven't mentioned anything about weightloss. There's a reason for that. His comments have NOTHING to do with your weight, and everything to do with controlling you.

I concur also. He should be your biggest cheerleader and supporter, not making statements to tear you down. I second the "see a counselor/therapist" sentiment. Losing weight isn't the root issue here, from what you've shared. You CAN lose weight, and you CAN be successful with your weight goals, but I fear that even if you did so, this issue would still be waiting for you at that time, it's just that the put-downs might be different. "You're so stupid," or "you're so lazy," or "you're so ___________" (insert made-up put down of the moment.)

Take care! Thoughts and prayers to you!:frown:

srcardinal10

My boyfriend would NEVER say that. I'm so sorry. I hope that he sees the error in his ways.

Sweet_Pandora

I was in an abusive marriage and I let my ex husband take away my self esteem. It's not right, it's not normal!

He told me I was fat and wouldn't have sex with me. I believed him. I was the thin girl at the beach in a one piece because he made me believe no one needed to look at me in a two piece! He was a controlling a-hole!

My concern is that you have two young children in the home. Do you really want them growing up with a parental figure that talks to their mother like that.

Seek some counselling. It's not acceptable!

Karen

desiv2

Kick him in the taint. Problem solved.

I have a temper, and if he has said that to me I would have done exactly that. ^^

trophywife24

I cannot, for the life of me, every single time one of these threads comes up, believe what the heck some of you put up with in your own homes.

I would be in jail.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

I shouldn't be airing my dirty laundry out for everyone to see however I am so hurt by this I don’t know how to handle it all. We got into an argument and it escalated fast where he told me to "waddle your fat @zz in the bedroom" and "You're so fat how can you see your feet?" and a few other hurtful things.:brokenheart: (I have gained 40lbs since him and I met.) I know he said this out of anger and we all say things that hurt, (I'm no saint) but it has completely changed me over night.

I haven't eaten anything in over 24 hours but it's okay because I have decided to fast and detox my body. :drinker: Anyone experience this with positive results?

Anyhow, my self-esteem is completely out the window, I don't want him to see me naked or even touch me anymore. I have always been a strong woman, but I am 36 and he is only 28 so he can get any young girl he wants so this also puts more pressure on me. I don't want to bash my husband, I just want some encouraging advice. I feel horrible!:sad:

Thank you guys for listening.

Are you newly weds? I sort of get that impression because of your avitar but you never know.

Yes, everyone says hurtful things when you're fighting, but there's a difference between saying hurtful things and saying things to be hurtful. First, you need to sit down with him and tell him how his words impact you, including your sexual confidence . . . generally people care when it effects their sex life if for no other reason. Second, and more importantly in my opinion, you two need to set ground rules for fights. We had to do that in our house (with the assistance of a counselor) and talk about what is in limits and what is not in limits. We may not insult the other on in a non-productive manner when we are fighting, the fight must stay on task . . . it takes practice and one of us has to have a cool head to bring it back around (by saying simply "that was uncalled for and hurtful" the other one will usually way loudly "I know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, what I meant was ___"). Arguments should be productive and get to the root of the issue, people don't normally just fight over a plate in the sink . . . it's usually a year's worth of plates in the sink along with other inequitable perceptions.

If you can't set ground rules and show a little mutual respect even in the worst of times you're in for a difficult ride. At the end of the day, when you think of your relationship, you should think "what is my relationship conveying to and teaching my children and would I want this for them?" If the answers aren't anything more postive then "how to be strong in a bad situation." and "no." You have some thinking to do.

ash8184

HUGS. You aren't alone.

If there's anything positive to take away here, maybe it is motivation for you (if you wanted/needed it) to make yourself happy. I know EXACTLY how you feel and when the same thing happened to me (wasn't a husband though, was another male family member), it got me motivated to get my butt to the gym every morning and I have been on that same path ever since and am down 100+lbs.

However, at the end of the day, you MAY or MAY NOT want to/need to lose weight, but even in anger, it's not ok to use those kinds of words for a loved one. Have you talked to him about it?

GraeTaralom

Calling someone names isn't acceptable, ever. Even in anger.

Your husband sounds like he has some issues of his own. What he is doing is abusive & manipulative-and its working.

His comments have NOTHING to do with your weight, and everything to do with controlling you.

^^ This completely. If he doesn't make a change in HIMSELF then he will find something else ugly to say to you in anger after you have lost the weight. This is an issue in him, and it really isn't about your weight.

Like other have said, lose the weight for yourself, not him, do it to be healthy and to meet your own goals.

As far as your marriage is concerned, I agree that you should get some type of help with this- counseling, for you BOTH. He needs to get some help with this. You have kids- and this behavior from a father figure is so not ok for them to hear either. It tells them it;s ok to talk that way.

Hang in there, good luck, please don't let what he said define who you are. :flowerforyou:

McChubbyruewho

its all about if he makes it up to you and makes you feel better

This is how women in physically abusive relationships justify staying in those relationships.
A diamond ring does not make up for cheating. A concert does not take away the hurt of name calling. And a new car does not fix the fact that he gave you a black eye. That type of thinking is just not healthy.

your just supposing I mean making it up by buying things, I am talking about him saying he was sorry and talking about how he didn't mean that. in my case my husband and I can both be verbilly abusive to each other lol, but we have thick skin, also for the record I don't cry I get pissed and yell so pleas don't imagine me this frall poor little girl, cause I am far from that

and as far as phisically abusive PLEAS if he ever hit me (which he would never ever do) we would both beat the **** out of each other lol, I am not some weak little girl! nah ah!

Ah yes. The thread is already at black eyes and beatings. Perhaps we should all take a step back and realize that the OP and her husband got into a shouting match. He said some things and she may have but she hasn't elaborated. She even mentioned that she didn't want to husband bash. Take a breath. Curious what really happened OP. Care to elaborate?

yes I agree, some people are so ready to think the worst thing possible

likemeinvisible

I shouldn't be airing my dirty laundry out for everyone to see however I am so hurt by this I don’t know how to handle it all. We got into an argument and it escalated fast where he told me to "waddle your fat @zz in the bedroom" and "You're so fat how can you see your feet?" and a few other hurtful things.:brokenheart: (I have gained 40lbs since him and I met.) I know he said this out of anger and we all say things that hurt, (I'm no saint) but it has completely changed me over night.

I haven't eaten anything in over 24 hours but it's okay because I have decided to fast and detox my body. :drinker: Anyone experience this with positive results?

Anyhow, my self-esteem is completely out the window, I don't want him to see me naked or even touch me anymore. I have always been a strong woman, but I am 36 and he is only 28 so he can get any young girl he wants so this also puts more pressure on me. I don't want to bash my husband, I just want some encouraging advice. I feel horrible!:sad:

Thank you guys for listening.

1. Fast is not detox, it's unhealthy and puts your body under unnecessary stress. Staying low is hard enough, don't torture yourself.
2. Why not let him get any young girl and abuse her instead. I just checked your gallery, tell the guy Mr. long-haired-skinny-dude-from-the-internet said he is lucky to have you.

CharlieBarleyMom

Bottom line: It is wrong for him to use your own insecurities against you ever. Now you don't want him to see you naked? Guess what? You life in the bedroom just changed and that may be irreparable. That's what happened when I started to believe that my husband thought I was too fat... and my self-esteem plummeted lower than ever... and I was unable to rise above it and help myself understand that even if he thought I was fat, didn't mean he didn't love me or wasn't attracted to me... so, you have some big work to do here.

sugarxmexsweet

Family members have made shocking comments about my weight that lead into a deep depression. I wanted to kill myself, I thought I was the lowest of the low and that everyone judged me. I am now on anti-depressants which are helping but the words are in the back of my head.

sandymcclellan1

Well you just tell him you are not fat... you have fat! and at least fat can be lost however, meaness and ignorance is something that is uglier than any fat! Stay strong and remember to do you!!!!

joleciamichelle

It breaks my heart to read this. I am so sorry that he would say that to you and even more so that it has affected you so deeply. I encourage you to develop an unconditional love for yourself, first and foremost. Once you have that you will never stand for anyone to speak to you in that manner. Least of all a man that stood before God and all of your loved ones and promised to love you for better or worse. I agree with everyone else who said that this is his issue. He may be insecure or manipulative or otherwise lacking but whatever it is, he has directed that at you. If not your weight, it would have been something else, I'm sure. That is not okay. Because if he is your husband, he knows that saying something like that would hurt you on a serious and very painful level I have never been married so in my humble and inexperienced opinion, you guys should consider counseling. Then you can have a safe space mediated by a professional to work through that and whatever other issues you all have that are causing discord. At the very least you have to have a discussion with him about what he said and how that made you feel. Not an argument, a real discussion. I'm sure there are articles on how to make that as productive as possible but this is a major red flag so I hope you can address it appropriately and timely. Once you have an unconditional love for yourself, what others say to you or about you will not affect the way you feel about you. I really hope you can get there, honestly, since I've made that commitment to myself, my weight and health have improved and my relationships have improved as well (for me that meant dropping the manipulative bozo that called me names and broke my things when he was angry. I'm certain he would have eventually started breaking my body parts and causing me harm had I not broken it off.)