Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
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    OP....

    Maybe you could approach it this way:

    Bargain with him. If you guys have a real comfortable relationship, ask him if he will try to quit smoking. I quit in October, and it is the best thing I ever did. 3 months later, I never have a craving. I quit for me, and this is how it is done. But try something: ask him to find his reasons for not wanting to smoke. If he can find reasons for himself, ask him to quit smoking while you are on your weight loss journey. You can be loving and supportive towards his breaking the habit (remember, for him), and he can be supportive- not narcissistic- about you losing the weight you want to lose. It will help both of you gain healthier lives, and you will also grow astronomically closer as a couple. Guaranteed. Give that a shot, but be serious about it, not passive. If you just bring it up while having dinner, he will not take it seriously.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

    But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

    I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.
    Truthfully.. the way I see it. If you love somebody, truly you are attracted to them. Because you love them. You love their hearts, bodies, and minds.
    Being totally honest my fiance is not in shape, I'm very fit.
    I'm excited whenever he talks about working out, because I want him to be healthy. But on an looks level, I think he's a gorgeous man.

    If you can't love somebody for who they are, don't date them.
  • ShazMc73
    ShazMc73 Posts: 106 Member
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    OP....

    Maybe you could approach it this way:

    Bargain with him. If you guys have a real comfortable relationship, ask him if he will try to quit smoking. I quit in October, and it is the best thing I ever did. 3 months later, I never have a craving. I quit for me, and this is how it is done. But try something: ask him to find his reasons for not wanting to smoke. If he can find reasons for himself, ask him to quit smoking while you are on your weight loss journey. You can be loving and supportive towards his breaking the habit (remember, for him), and he can be supportive- not narcissistic- about you losing the weight you want to lose. It will help both of you gain healthier lives, and you will also grow astronomically closer as a couple. Guaranteed. Give that a shot, but be serious about it, not passive. If you just bring it up while having dinner, he will not take it seriously.


    I agree here and in fact we had that discsussion a week ago today. After we went hiking and he was huffing and puffing and I was running all over the place I suggested that while I continue to get FITTER (I am no slouch), he quits smoking so that we can continue our outdoor walks and hikes with more ease. Also, the money saved from cigarettes he can put towards something he really wants... he agreed that this is a challenge for him but not yet ready to get it going. My guy has said he is in the best place in his life physically and emotionally, he has a massive sense of self and confidence and when we met he was like this. I guess the reality is he will one day he will meet someone with the body he craves and he will decide what he wants. He's a good guy as you implied, thanks again for your perspectives, hard to read but good to know....
  • goldfish29
    goldfish29 Posts: 44 Member
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    Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

    But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

    I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

    No he shouldn't have to forego his biological sexual preference but why is he with her then? If that's not what he's attracted to why did he begin a serious relationship with her?

    He shouldn't have to give up his ideals in the same way she shouldn't have to mold herself into what his ideal weight would be. She deserves to be with someone who loves her for her, loves her body thick and thin and not saying they can't touch you because they don't like your body.

    My god, what an awfully hurtful thing to hear.
  • dhiammarath
    dhiammarath Posts: 834 Member
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    Ditch him. I know it's hard, because feelings are involved, but what he talks about isn't unconditional love. *Real* love can see through all the physical imperfections. If he has an issue with weight now, when you're both 80 years old, wrinkled, and broken is he going to leave then? Physical looks are transient, hence the 'unconditional' part. Putting conditionals on how he feels based on your body / how you *look* is so bad.

    Now if he was concerned about your health, and the longevity of your life -- that's a different story, but just based on your words, he sounds like a shallow not-nice-person.

    That being said, don't let his comments bring you down. YOU are doing what you want to do for YOU, and you CAN'T do it for HIM. Even if you tried, it wouldn't work in the long run, because as you've already said, you'd be worried about forever disappointing him.

    Ditch the boy.

    Focus on you. Get YOU healthy. Get YOU happy. And you'll find the RIGHT boy that will love you unconditionally -- as much as you have to love yourself to believe you deserve it.

    Good luck!
  • Windy_
    Windy_ Posts: 1,012 Member
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    He's a dilhole.
  • lesleyachapman
    lesleyachapman Posts: 2 Member
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    This sounds like you are in the throes of the early stages of a relationship, where everything is sunshine and happiness and you just see "forever" in this person. However, that sheen wears off quickly, and you will soon be in the "real life" stage of a relationship. Add some kids, and what the reality really kick in. If he is finding these faults with you now, when you barely know each other and you are still trying to impress each other, how will he be as you age, as your body ages, as you lose and gain weight during your life? I don't think this is the recipe for happiness.

    Further, this speaks volumes about this man's character. He sounds very inconsiderate and immature to me. I think you should really rethink this choice.
  • Kelley528
    Kelley528 Posts: 319 Member
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    umm....sorry to disillusion you, but he doesnt love you. If he loved you he would love you no matter what you looked like. The way he makes you feel about yourself in no way makes him a wonderful man. To me, the way he tell you you are no attractive to him, he doesnt like your body, etc.... makes him the opposite of a wonderful man.

    I find it even harder to believe you are in love after only dating since August. This relationship doesnt sound healthy to me. Do yourself a favor and lose the 6'4 mass of weight that is truly dragging you down.

    I was 180lbs at my heaviest and my boyfriend loved me. Loved my body. Always complimented me. Stared at me with those stars in his eyes, and love birds flopping around his head no matter what I looked like.

    Now that I lost 33lbs, he still looks at me the same way and makes me feel the same way he did when I was heavier. That is a wonderful man--the opposite of what you got.
  • laurap18
    laurap18 Posts: 1
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    I've been through a similar version of this with an old boyfriend I used to have, and that comment he made about me was the beginning of the end for us. That all happened almost 4 years ago, and I will never forget, that next day I spent my entire day off from work in the gym. That was the first time someone had ever called me out on something I knew was a problem I avoided for a long time. And honestly, I am SO glad it happened. Hearing that from someone who claims "loves" you, doesn't love you at all, was the reason I started my first of many weight loss journeys. This time though, I started up again because of me, not because of some guy. Alothough that experience was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, I think it fuels my drive and desire to see myself as the person I know I am on the inside, on the outside as well. Now I don't dwell on what was said to me, or how it hurt my feelings to no end. But you better believe there are days when I don't want to get up in the morning to work out, I just picture the way I felt when someone who claimed to love me told me I could stand to drop a few pounds, when I kickbox bright and early at 6am. The only thing I have to picture is me punching the crap out of his face to keep me motivated to working harder, making better food choices, and knowing that ending that relationship and all other negative things in my life was the best decision I've ever made. And honestly, I couldn't be any happier than I am right now!

    Moral of my story is even if you guys are perfect for each other, you deserve to be treated with respect and like awoman should be. Whether you gained 2 pounds or 200 pounds. If a man can't see who you are past all the super facial things, he doesn't deserve to be in your life, and he surely doesn't deserve to be around you when you've met your weight loss goals. Keep your head up, and make the changes you want to in your life for yourself, no one else. Life has a crazy way of coming together and bringing those people that deserve to be in your life right in front of you when you least expect it!
  • chrissieo40
    chrissieo40 Posts: 1 Member
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    why would you want to spend your life with someone who would say things like that to you. not ok. from anyone. especially from the person who is supposed to love you most. ask yourself this: what would he be like as a father? how do you think he would speak to your future children?
  • JaimeBrown5
    JaimeBrown5 Posts: 324
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    Dude needs to be cut from the team - better luck next time jerkoff.
  • fionadasein
    fionadasein Posts: 165 Member
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    Babes, you guys are turning this into a power struggle, whether unconscious or conscious. Do it for no one else other than you because life is too damn short and you want to live the hell out of it with great vitality!

    To put it in perspective for him, share the comments he's made to you, back with him, explaining why they actually undermine your success. If he has a hard time understanding, replace references to weight in his comments with 'penis size' and say them to him again to help him understand why they're unsupportive comments.

    Brainstorm together how he can support you positively (enticement goals, encouraging words) rather than with a big stick of douchey comments, and come up with a way to gently remind him when he forgets and goes negative again.

    If he really loves you unconditionally, he will make this change with you. If not, you deserve far better, it isn't the right fit (despite the intense feelings), and you need to move on for both your sakes.

    If need be, have this convo with a mediator or counsellor to make sure you're both heard and the conversation remains constructive.

    x


    p.s. if you guys really are interested in being together for life, him dying young from poor fitness and smoking should darn well be of concern to you both!
  • Bobby__Clerici
    Bobby__Clerici Posts: 741 Member
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    It cuts both ways. I had to confront this same issue in my own relationship with a loving wife who was not attracted to me fat.
    That's just reality, and it's better to accept it than do what most do which is reward a SO for lying.
    My wife could have said "Sure, you look great fat", but she did not.
    I value honesty.
    And I lost the fat we both detested.
  • brokenjawedmuse
    brokenjawedmuse Posts: 132
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    He's a dilhole.

    I'm going to second this.
  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
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    If he doesn't love each aspect and support you in the ways that count (like not using your weight as a way to skip out on attachment in certain emotional ways) then he isn't the right one, at least in my opinion he would not be.

    As much as you love him and he says he loves you it doesn't make what is happening right and it certainly doesn't mean he isn't capable of loving your the full and right way. You need to have the serious conversation and identify if this is a deal breaker for him. If it is then with that answer should be a dealbreaker for you.

    Good luck hun, you can do it!
  • Tina0488
    Tina0488 Posts: 18 Member
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    GET RID OF HIM!! If he doesn't love ALL of you, He doesn't deserve any of you.
  • wmoomoo
    wmoomoo Posts: 159 Member
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    He is verbally abusing you. Nobody deserves that. If he is saying that, "he can't touch you because of your body....etc", where do you think he is going to get some? If he wants to motivate you on losing weight, there are other ways to do it than talking you down. Think of your future, are you planning to have kids with him? Cause our body changes, if he cant accept you right now and how do you expect him to go through the roller costet body change during pregnancy.

    You deserve someone who loves you the way you are.
  • lizzybethclaire
    lizzybethclaire Posts: 849 Member
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    Do you hear that beeping sound? It's the *kitten**hole alert going off. I know in the forums we are all quick to say "dump him/her" but in this case I think it is appropriate. I feel like he wants to knock you down that way it is easier for him to say "if you didn't have me, no one else would want you."
  • upgetupgetup
    upgetupgetup Posts: 749 Member
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    Of COURSE there are conditions to all but possibly some expressions of maternal love. We have expectations to be treated with fairness and kindness, to name two.

    Whatever his deal is (maybe he thinks he's being honest and 'fair'), it is not fair, but toxic, to you. If he did love you, he wouldn't put you through this. Kindness, needless to say, isn't happening here either. You deserve better.

    There was a thread here a couple of weeks ago about a woman who's husband had similar feelings to the guy you're seeing, and she as much insecurity as you do now. Nothing has changed for them in ten years.

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