Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
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(Quote from an earlier post. Don't know how I messed it up, lol)\
If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.
Exactly! There's nothing wrong with having a type or wanting to be attracted to the person. But why get in a relationship with someone who you don't find attractive then expect them to change. That is what I do not understand. I've never dated a guy who I felt was unattractive because of being overweight then tell him he doesn't meet my standards and should lose weight. It just makes no sense.0 -
I have 4 words for you...........
SHOW HIM THIS THREAD!!!!!0 -
i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.
i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:
and as many women have silly physical requirements about guys they will and wont date (ie how many times have i heard a female friend say i dont want to date anyone who isn't taller than me when i'm wearing heels), i find it interesting that suddenly when it involves a man not being attracted to an overweight woman HE'S the one who's being shallow, superficial, etc
sexual attraction is as important as emotional, mental and spiritual attraction. those of you who are pretending it isnt, especially when it comes to how guys see relationships are fooling yourselves.
with that said, OP your choices are either to tell him that he's free to walk to someone he might be more physically attracted to or tell him to deal with it while you lose the weight.
If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.
yeah but we don't know the full story though do we? we just have the OPs perspective which is going to be clouded by her own issues .0 -
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All due respect but he sounds like a jerk. I am stunned anyone would ever say those things to someone. I would say his smoking is more unattractive than a curvy figure!!!!0
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I'm sorry I could only bring myself to read down to "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". If he can’t be attracted to you the way you are he will never really be attracted to you. That's just a very insensitive and shallow thing for a person to say to another. I know words on a forum shouldnt make your decision for you, you should do it yourself. You should find someone that finds you attractive no matter what your body looks like.0
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I haven't read through all of the threads, but I see it as this way. If he can't love you at your worst (not saying he doesn't or that you're at your worst, but at some point you will be...) how can he love you at your best? In his mind, you will never live up to his body preference, BECAUSE you're curvy. To me that has nothing to do with your weight...it has to do with your body type. And even losing weight isn't going to change that. As I saw one other person say, love is unconditional. Marriage is (supposedly) forever. Age is going to set in and so is gravity. Things are going to droop, sag, etc. you're going to have babies (I'm assuming) and things will stretch, widen, etc. If he can't love you the way you are before all that happens, then what's he going to do when it does?0
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We all like to be attractive to the opposite sex, body wise but this should definitely NOT be a deal breaker. He says he's not shallow but in my opinion that's exactly what he is. If he loves you then your weight should not be an issue. Love yourself before all others is what I believe and you will then find true happiness. My hubby loves me cos I'm me......end of!! You keep true to yourself and stay genuine and lovely. (It's really bugged me and got me quite mad....GRRRRRRRR!!!) xx
But are you guys not seeing that the OP herself does not like the weight she has? Doesn't that have any significance? But everyone says dump him, because he has said such....mean....hurtful....unforgiving things to you. Like I said before. Touchy subject. Most men screw it up. But how else are we supposed to convey a preference about such a touchy subject?
This is why America is getting dumber than other countries. Nobody thinks outside the box anymore, nobody sees how things happen. They just see finished product. I guess if nobody sees it my way, I will let the bash-fest continue. Salut!0 -
I guess we just disagree. I'll take your quote "he wanted to try and see if his intellect can override his lesser sexual attraction to her". Right there I'm blaming him. Men ARE visual, he should have known better and it's his fault and incredibly unfair to her.
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Right.. You don't date somebody thinking of all the things you wish were different about them. That's not fair or healthy.0 -
I don't even need to read past this paragraph -
On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...
this is ridiculous - dump him - immediately. and move on to someone who will TRULY love you - because I hate to tell you, but he DOES NOT! you deserve much better.0 -
I'd kick his *kitten* to the curb.0
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This is neither criticism, nor meant to be insulting in any way towards any of you....
I think he was not himself. Guys are brought up to biologically and neurologically be attracted to certain types of females. Some skinny, some fat, some hairy, some shaved. He told you point blank that he has never dated a woman bigger than you before. This tells me that he is either head over heels in love with who you are, and wanted to see if he could get past it, or he was in a stage of low confidence when he met you. I do not know which, and it is not my business to know. But I am wired to like big kahunas on women, I do not know why, it is just my preference. But I will sacrifice that to marry a woman that was tone or otherwise fit, as it is a microcosm of the rest of her life, in most cases. Fitter women usually handle themselves better in other areas of their life too. It has that sense of control attached to it. I do not know what that is like for men, though, as I do not look at the guys. But this is just what I see from my experience.
Once again, not condemning in any way, just some food for thought! Good luck in your weight loss journey.
The most intelligent comment I've seen. My husband likes very tiny women, and no matter how much weight I lose or have lost, my breasts and rear end aren't going anywhere. I know if I had been lined up next to 10 other women, I would have been 8th or 9th in order of preference. But my husband would go to the ends of the earth for me. He treats me like a princess and I've never felt lacking for attention or love. We like what we like - and as long as YOU love yourself and your body, he can't take that away. It sounds like he really wants to be with you.
Scenario #2, he is extremely self-conscious and is projecting his feelings on to you. If you discover this is the case, I agree with the majority of posters, ditch him.
But I'd like to give the guy the benefit of a doubt.
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RUN!
If he says those things to you, he has no respect for you and NEVER will. It will get worse if you stay. If he really loved you your phyical appearance would not be an issue!! PERIOD!!!!
Um.....I would prefer to be sexually attracted to the one I love. It is a FACT that sexual libido declines with weight gain. it is not an opinion, just science. But for you to say that physical appearance is a non-issue is quite naive.
I don't know... If you love someone enough it can make you feel attracted to them despite the fact you you normally wouldn't be physically attracted to their type. You don't notice it as much when you are in the relationship though, or I didn't.0 -
We all like to be attractive to the opposite sex, body wise but this should definitely NOT be a deal breaker. He says he's not shallow but in my opinion that's exactly what he is. If he loves you then your weight should not be an issue. Love yourself before all others is what I believe and you will then find true happiness. My hubby loves me cos I'm me......end of!! You keep true to yourself and stay genuine and lovely. (It's really bugged me and got me quite mad....GRRRRRRRR!!!) xx
But are you guys not seeing that the OP herself does not like the weight she has? Doesn't that have any significance? But everyone says dump him, because he has said such....mean....hurtful....unforgiving things to you. Like I said before. Touchy subject. Most men screw it up. But how else are we supposed to convey a preference about such a touchy subject?
This is why America is getting dumber than other countries. Nobody thinks outside the box anymore, nobody sees how things happen. They just see finished product. I guess if nobody sees it my way, I will let the bash-fest continue. Salut!
Oh yes, please continue to enlighten us on why America is getting dumber....0 -
I though douchecanoe... dillhole works too.He's a dilhole.0 -
Someone who is critical of you will ALWAYS find something to criticize. My abusive marriage started out with him criticizing how I dressed (not wearing jean cut offs to a party when I was wearing a worn out jean skirt) and escalated from there. I now have PTSD from the marriage, and all three of my children have PTSD from his abuse of them. Get out while you can. Once you get sucked in my a guy like this, it is hard to get out. They make you question your reality. It took me fifteen years to escape. Please, get out NOW.0
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AGAIN in most cases if you love somebody you are physically attracted to them. Maybe moreso for women....
WHY WHY WHY would you start dating somebody who you weren't attracted to. It makes no effing sense.
If this callous jerk isn't physically attracted to her, his feelings cannot be that deep and he just needs to let her move on and enjoy her life.
She's a beautiful woman and deserves better.
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In the first page, I suggested two theories. examine them, and tell me what you think.0 -
This is what I call a RED FLAG. As much as you might not want to face it, this guy is not for you. He should be loving every inch of you without condition and clearly this is not the case. Run, there is no room for compromise when it comes to your mental health. I'm not saying he's bad, but he's not for you. Good luck!0
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i also agree with the person who suggested he might have fallen in love with the OPs personality and thought that would be enough to create sexual interest. for some people that works for others it doesn't . i know it wouldnt work for me which is why i don't begrudge a guy being like "no sorry i couldnt hit that on a regular basis"
in any case, i definitely agree that the OP deserves to be with someone who appreciates her for her. that might be that guy or that might be another guy, but this is why we date right? to find the right people0 -
Run. Run away. Run fast. Don't look back.
Why do people think they can change others? This is who he is at his most basic level. You won't change that, not ever.0
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