Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • philhalsey
    philhalsey Posts: 4
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    ditch him
    you deserve much better
  • stumegsmum
    stumegsmum Posts: 34
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    when I was younger, I was engaged to a guy who was 'wonderful' in every way, but for the fact that he continually made reference to 'how great would it be if you could just lose that couple of pounds' etc. After five years, I was almost two stone heavier and we split up because of it.

    If he was as lovely as you say, he would accept you as you are - please think carefully about your next steps! I met a truly wonderful man who accepted me in everyway and would never dream of making a point of talking about my weight - he's supportive whether I want to lose weight or stay as I am - he thinks I'm sexy, not my body but my mind!!
  • sillygoosie
    sillygoosie Posts: 1,109 Member
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    i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.

    i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:

    and as many women have silly physical requirements about guys they will and wont date (ie how many times have i heard a female friend say i dont want to date anyone who isn't taller than me when i'm wearing heels), i find it interesting that suddenly when it involves a man not being attracted to an overweight woman HE'S the one who's being shallow, superficial, etc

    sexual attraction is as important as emotional, mental and spiritual attraction. those of you who are pretending it isnt, especially when it comes to how guys see relationships are fooling yourselves.

    with that said, OP your choices are either to tell him that he's free to walk to someone he might be more physically attracted to or tell him to deal with it while you lose the weight.

    If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.
  • bigbird1979
    bigbird1979 Posts: 17 Member
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    Sorry but this guy is plain DUMB. He's a jerk. Don't sell yourself short with this guy. You should be with someone who likes the way you are now. You will never be happy totally happy with his guy because he belittles you. What if you did lose a bunch of weight. Or I should say when you do lose weight I believe your confidence will be too much for him. Those comments are not necessary for a loving relationship. I wish you all the luck because dating is hard but don't settle for this.
  • Royalsbatwench
    Royalsbatwench Posts: 117 Member
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    i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.

    i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:


    Right, but if you're finding someone unattractive you don't start dating them.
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
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    If I ever heard those comments from a significant other, I would be GONE. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship, at all.

    You deserve better.
  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
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    RUN!

    If he says those things to you, he has no respect for you and NEVER will. It will get worse if you stay. If he really loved you your phyical appearance would not be an issue!! PERIOD!!!!

    Um.....I would prefer to be sexually attracted to the one I love. It is a FACT that sexual libido declines with weight gain. it is not an opinion, just science. But for you to say that physical appearance is a non-issue is quite naive.
  • srobinson84
    srobinson84 Posts: 39 Member
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    I he truely loved you he wouldn't be saying anything like that at all. He's an *kitten* and needs an attitude adjustment.
  • goldfish29
    goldfish29 Posts: 44 Member
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    Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

    But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

    I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

    No he shouldn't have to forego his biological sexual preference but why is he with her then? If that's not what he's attracted to why did he begin a serious relationship with her?

    He shouldn't have to give up his ideals in the same way she shouldn't have to mold herself into what his ideal weight would be. She deserves to be with someone who loves her for her, loves her body thick and thin and not saying they can't touch you because they don't like your body.

    My god, what an awfully hurtful thing to hear.

    I agree, that those are hurtful things to say, if indeed he said them. People on posts tend to exaggerate what is literally said, but men talking about their woman losing weight is a VERY touchy subject. it is like treading onto a live volcano. you women know this.

    It goes back to what she said initially about what he wanted. He wanted to try and see if his intellect can override his lesser sexual attraction to her. Men are visual creatures. When we get off, there is either a visual picture in our mind, or something in front of us. If he came out and said it in the beginning, they would not have gotten together. But he is obviously in love with her in different, more intellectual and intimate, areas of her person. He is not totally off the hook, but you have to see his side of it too, not just hers.

    I guess we just disagree. I'll take your quote "he wanted to try and see if his intellect can override his lesser sexual attraction to her". Right there I'm blaming him. Men ARE visual, he should have known better and it's his fault and incredibly unfair to her.
  • meghan6867
    meghan6867 Posts: 388 Member
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    I know you say that you're strong enough to handle his comments... but I promise you that eventually, your patience is going to snap and you will resent him for all of his criticism. It isn't my place to tell you what to do... it isn't anyones... but I would suggest that you just be very cautious.

    Don't fall for a guy that can't love you for yourself... irregardless of your weight. It could seriously back fire.
  • ginabryan
    ginabryan Posts: 8
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    Do a 180 and just keep on walking my love! He doesn't deserve you! G
  • parys1
    parys1 Posts: 2,072 Member
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    If he finds you physically unattractive, you can NOT be wonderful together.

    ETA: You are a beautiful woman. You need to believe it and know you are deserving of someone who agrees.
  • openskybeach
    openskybeach Posts: 294 Member
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    F HIM. I can't even read past the 2nd paragraph...Really??!!! And what about when you are old gray and wrinkly, what a jerk!
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
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    Your quickest weight loss program to drop 180 pounds is to drop his sorry butt on the curb and find you a real man that appreciates you!
    Jerk.
  • songburd808
    songburd808 Posts: 8
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    If you like someone's personality, but you don't want to be in a physical relationship with them, it's called FRIENDSHIP. This guy needs to learn that definition instead of getting you into a relationship with him where he puts your physical appearance down.

    *HUG* You deserve better!
  • 3RachaelFaith3
    3RachaelFaith3 Posts: 283 Member
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    i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.

    i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:


    Right, but if you're finding someone unattractive you don't start dating them.


    EXACTLY.. my thoughts exactly. He should not have entered into the relationship and then they even took it to the next level. Shouldn't he have said, you know what I prefer a diff body type, bye.
  • kslibbin
    kslibbin Posts: 29 Member
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    If he cannot love the you that you are now then the relationship isn't as intense as you believe it is. It's what you WANT to believe it is. If he is constantly telling you to go down to your college weight where he did not know you or where you were not exclusive then thats not the you that you are now and I personally think you need to find the person that finds the you NOW attractive.
  • ladynica
    ladynica Posts: 329 Member
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    Honey, I am so sorry that you are in this position. I understand exactly how you feel. I blogged about it last year. I would encourage you read the comments that the wonderful people left for me there as they were encouraging and very eye opening to me at the time. I hope this might help.

    I have to admit that while you two may very well love each other, it is NOT loving for him to express his feelings of not being able to accept you unconditionally. I would ask that you consider that while everything else might be great, this is not healthy or best for you. hang in there sweety.

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/ladynica/view/i-would-ve-married-you-in-a-heartbeat-if-you-were-smaller-255889
  • psv1012
    psv1012 Posts: 65 Member
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    End the relationship now. It will only get worse. I have been married for 35 years,I can promise you attitudes do not improve with age. Either he loves all of you as you are now,or he doesn't really want a future with you. Find someone who sees you as beautiful. I have been heavy for a long time, my husband always thinks I am pretty (and I am old !) Every person deserves love and respect from their partner,what he is saying to you is not respectful. You deserve better.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    RUN!

    If he says those things to you, he has no respect for you and NEVER will. It will get worse if you stay. If he really loved you your phyical appearance would not be an issue!! PERIOD!!!!

    Um.....I would prefer to be sexually attracted to the one I love. It is a FACT that sexual libido declines with weight gain. it is not an opinion, just science. But for you to say that physical appearance is a non-issue is quite naive.
    AGAIN in most cases if you love somebody you are physically attracted to them. Maybe moreso for women....
    WHY WHY WHY would you start dating somebody who you weren't attracted to. It makes no effing sense.

    If this callous jerk isn't physically attracted to her, his feelings cannot be that deep and he just needs to let her move on and enjoy her life.
    She's a beautiful woman and deserves better.

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