Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
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I'd kick his *kitten* to the curb.0
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This is neither criticism, nor meant to be insulting in any way towards any of you....
I think he was not himself. Guys are brought up to biologically and neurologically be attracted to certain types of females. Some skinny, some fat, some hairy, some shaved. He told you point blank that he has never dated a woman bigger than you before. This tells me that he is either head over heels in love with who you are, and wanted to see if he could get past it, or he was in a stage of low confidence when he met you. I do not know which, and it is not my business to know. But I am wired to like big kahunas on women, I do not know why, it is just my preference. But I will sacrifice that to marry a woman that was tone or otherwise fit, as it is a microcosm of the rest of her life, in most cases. Fitter women usually handle themselves better in other areas of their life too. It has that sense of control attached to it. I do not know what that is like for men, though, as I do not look at the guys. But this is just what I see from my experience.
Once again, not condemning in any way, just some food for thought! Good luck in your weight loss journey.
The most intelligent comment I've seen. My husband likes very tiny women, and no matter how much weight I lose or have lost, my breasts and rear end aren't going anywhere. I know if I had been lined up next to 10 other women, I would have been 8th or 9th in order of preference. But my husband would go to the ends of the earth for me. He treats me like a princess and I've never felt lacking for attention or love. We like what we like - and as long as YOU love yourself and your body, he can't take that away. It sounds like he really wants to be with you.
Scenario #2, he is extremely self-conscious and is projecting his feelings on to you. If you discover this is the case, I agree with the majority of posters, ditch him.
But I'd like to give the guy the benefit of a doubt.
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RUN!
If he says those things to you, he has no respect for you and NEVER will. It will get worse if you stay. If he really loved you your phyical appearance would not be an issue!! PERIOD!!!!
Um.....I would prefer to be sexually attracted to the one I love. It is a FACT that sexual libido declines with weight gain. it is not an opinion, just science. But for you to say that physical appearance is a non-issue is quite naive.
I don't know... If you love someone enough it can make you feel attracted to them despite the fact you you normally wouldn't be physically attracted to their type. You don't notice it as much when you are in the relationship though, or I didn't.0 -
We all like to be attractive to the opposite sex, body wise but this should definitely NOT be a deal breaker. He says he's not shallow but in my opinion that's exactly what he is. If he loves you then your weight should not be an issue. Love yourself before all others is what I believe and you will then find true happiness. My hubby loves me cos I'm me......end of!! You keep true to yourself and stay genuine and lovely. (It's really bugged me and got me quite mad....GRRRRRRRR!!!) xx
But are you guys not seeing that the OP herself does not like the weight she has? Doesn't that have any significance? But everyone says dump him, because he has said such....mean....hurtful....unforgiving things to you. Like I said before. Touchy subject. Most men screw it up. But how else are we supposed to convey a preference about such a touchy subject?
This is why America is getting dumber than other countries. Nobody thinks outside the box anymore, nobody sees how things happen. They just see finished product. I guess if nobody sees it my way, I will let the bash-fest continue. Salut!
Oh yes, please continue to enlighten us on why America is getting dumber....0 -
I though douchecanoe... dillhole works too.He's a dilhole.0 -
Someone who is critical of you will ALWAYS find something to criticize. My abusive marriage started out with him criticizing how I dressed (not wearing jean cut offs to a party when I was wearing a worn out jean skirt) and escalated from there. I now have PTSD from the marriage, and all three of my children have PTSD from his abuse of them. Get out while you can. Once you get sucked in my a guy like this, it is hard to get out. They make you question your reality. It took me fifteen years to escape. Please, get out NOW.0
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AGAIN in most cases if you love somebody you are physically attracted to them. Maybe moreso for women....
WHY WHY WHY would you start dating somebody who you weren't attracted to. It makes no effing sense.
If this callous jerk isn't physically attracted to her, his feelings cannot be that deep and he just needs to let her move on and enjoy her life.
She's a beautiful woman and deserves better.
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In the first page, I suggested two theories. examine them, and tell me what you think.0 -
This is what I call a RED FLAG. As much as you might not want to face it, this guy is not for you. He should be loving every inch of you without condition and clearly this is not the case. Run, there is no room for compromise when it comes to your mental health. I'm not saying he's bad, but he's not for you. Good luck!0
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i also agree with the person who suggested he might have fallen in love with the OPs personality and thought that would be enough to create sexual interest. for some people that works for others it doesn't . i know it wouldnt work for me which is why i don't begrudge a guy being like "no sorry i couldnt hit that on a regular basis"
in any case, i definitely agree that the OP deserves to be with someone who appreciates her for her. that might be that guy or that might be another guy, but this is why we date right? to find the right people0 -
Run. Run away. Run fast. Don't look back.
Why do people think they can change others? This is who he is at his most basic level. You won't change that, not ever.0 -
Honey, you need to dump him. If he can be so self-centered and cruel during this part of your relationship, it does not bode well for the future.0
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He is being a complete a**. You were bigger when he met you and you are still bigger. He shouldn't expect you to change for him. If he isn't attracted to you then he is not the one. I read most of your story with my mouth hanging open by the way because that is how out of line his comments are! You deserve someone who will love you mind, body and soul.0
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We all like to be attractive to the opposite sex, body wise but this should definitely NOT be a deal breaker. He says he's not shallow but in my opinion that's exactly what he is. If he loves you then your weight should not be an issue. Love yourself before all others is what I believe and you will then find true happiness. My hubby loves me cos I'm me......end of!! You keep true to yourself and stay genuine and lovely. (It's really bugged me and got me quite mad....GRRRRRRRR!!!) xx
But are you guys not seeing that the OP herself does not like the weight she has? Doesn't that have any significance? But everyone says dump him, because he has said such....mean....hurtful....unforgiving things to you. Like I said before. Touchy subject. Most men screw it up. But how else are we supposed to convey a preference about such a touchy subject?
This is why America is getting dumber than other countries. Nobody thinks outside the box anymore, nobody sees how things happen. They just see finished product. I guess if nobody sees it my way, I will let the bash-fest continue. Salut!
No, we do agree that it's okay to have a preference. What's NOT okay is dating someone you aren't attracted to and then pressuring them to change for you. So, we're in agreement. The guy is a jerk because he expects her to change for him instead of finding someone with his preferred body type. That's why we're bashing him, not because he prefers fit women.0 -
There's no future with this guy. If he feels this way now, it will only get worse. I was skinny when my ex and I got married, and soon after he started making comments about how good 'younger' girls bodies looked. (I was in my 30's at the time) I never did measure up to his idea of what my body should have looked like, and then I started gaining weight. We only managed to stay married for 7 years. Take my word for it, most people don't change. It's not worth the heartache.0
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He will not change, don't expect it. It he acts like that now, it will be 10X worse if you marry. Please run from your situation. I truly believe if you loved yourself you would never let someone talk to you like that. Don't accept one mean comment, ever. If he loved you, I'm sorry, but he would not say those things. People can only treat you like a carpet if you lie down and let them...0
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I had to reply to this. I know, without a doubt, that my husband is not attracted to my body type. We were friends before we were married and I saw the girls he went for. They were what I would call "cheerleader" types: blonde and very petite. Essentially, the exact opposite of me.
That being said, I know I am beautiful and attractive to him because he loves me. He tells me that I am beautiful every single day. He said it when I was at 340 and he says it now that I'm 231 and all the weights in between. We've been together for 15 years next month and there is no way that I could've stayed with him for more than about 15 minutes if I had to hear "if only you were a different size" type of comments.
Seriously, if he loved you, he'd love you the way you are and not keep wishing you were some ideal version of a woman that he has stuck in his head.0 -
I am probably going to be the only female to say this, but I would accept his honesty. It is better that he is honest rather than telling a lie to you! He may could have been more tactful with his approach, but still...he was honest with you. Now, it's up to you to determine what YOU want to do about your current situation.0
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Get out of this relationship immediately! I had an ex boyfriend who treated me the same way and every time I ate he would ask me is that very healthy, that will go straight to your butt. 3 years later when I was at a healthy realistic weight he still didn't make any kind of commitment and I realized that it was a failed relationship. You have to do this for yourself not anyone else.0
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What a d i c k bag. Love knows no limitations.
My bf had throat cancer and has dropped from 215 8% bmi to 152, his neck is gnarled and mangled from surgery, and I have to complete all chores for him. Not to mention he hacks and vomits all day long from radiation and chemo.....
I love him even though he is a shadow of who he once was and disfigured. In fact those things don't bother me or effect my attraction. At all..
Your guy sounds like a pig and a real keeper---not0 -
That's the thing, right now it's just her weight but then what? Say she drops the pounds, maybe then it's her hair, or her clothes or her makeup (or lack of).
And yes, we all have types and many of us date outside of those types but I doubt most normal people would sit around and remind the other person of that.0 -
Just reading your second paragraph makes me think he does not love you the way you deserve to be loved. He's being rude in a 'nice way' to you. You just began and he dated you as you are... very odd. Change if you want to change, just know that you may not ever be perfect or skinny enough and chances are if you put on 10 lbs in the future, you'll hear those same backhanded compliments again or worse.0
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Yes, he IS shallow.
Skinny does not equal healthy.
Maybe the two of Ypu can take a health course together. And he will be willing to work on his health, too. (Personally, I would end the relationship, but you love him so I assume want to work on building the relationship)0 -
I started dating my bf when he was hitting the gym four times a week and very ripped. Well, life happened and four years later he, while not overweight, is not fit and lost most of that muscle.
I think he's just as lovely as when we started dating and while I'd like him to go back to the gym for health reasons, it would NEVER be a dealbreaker if he doesn't. I think he's just as attractive.
If he loved you he'd love all of you. Run away! You'll never be quite sure if he's truly happy with you and that's a recipe for disaster. You can and will find someone who will love everything about you.0 -
It is really hard to let go of a relationship after you have put a lot of time and work into it. But sometimes that is what you have to do. It hurts to tear yourself away but sometimes you need to cut your loses and move on and start over with someone new.
And it's not like he just said it once when he was drunk or super angry... This is really how he feels and he thinks it's OK for him to keep bringing it up to you.
As far as the male-female dynamic goes, this is the equivalent of you telling him that you view him as inadequate because he does not make enough money and he is not a good provider and therefore you cannot fully respect him the way a woman should respect her man. I bet he would be crushed if you told him you don't completely respect him. It is just as appropriate for you to be crushed by what he said to you.
He has shown that he cannot give himself to you 100%. He is holding back and setting conditions. I don't think he can change. In my opinion you should move on. You deserve so much better.0 -
Congratulations first and foremost for loving yourself and wanting to change for YOU. YOU are what counts first. If he loves you then he loves you the way you are. I'm sorry to say this but he needs to love all of you not some of you and it doesn't seem he truly loves you the way you may love him. Love is unconditional.
Before you can change your weight or anything about you- you have to love yourself first and want it for YOU not someone else. Please think this relationship through before taking a higher notch. :frown:0 -
You can't be with someone like that. Imagine if you did lose the weight like he wants, how could you really live with yourself knowing why you did it? Your self respect is at stake. He is basically saying he doesn't want to be with you in a jerkface way.
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Having read the OP's post and not the thread yet...
I hate to say this, but this isn't a relationship that I would stay in were I you.
I don't believe there's anything wrong with him not being attracted to your body, we all have our preferences and what we respond to, but that's something that rarely changes for a person. I'm not saying it couldn't just that it's highly unlikely.
A long time ago I had a dear friend, who in a somewhat inebriated state, confided that if I were thinner he'd love me. When he sobered up he was truly mortified, but the reality was that I completely understood, even if it made me sad because beyond his side of the physical attraction I do believe we would have been very good together. We stayed very close friends until both our lives took drastic turns.
Maybe it would be better if that's what you and this man became, though, that he is as vocally critical as he is, gives me more pause because how might he be in other areas that he might disapprove of over time.0 -
NO.
Just. NO.
You are adorable AND you've come so far and worked so hard to get that cute little body of yours. I'm sorry, but mutual attraction is not a negotiable fact in most new relationships. I get it, I've been in some unusual relationships before, but none I'd consider exclusive (they were just to weird to allow that kind of normal and respectable a designation) and it kind of sounds like you're in a similar situation. There may be a ton of love there and I guess I can appreciate his (brutal) honesty (though he wouldn't be in my life for more than a few minutes after the things he's said and I really am fat), but it sounds like you are in an intense but platonic relationship with a somewhat manipulative individual who would just love to change you.
It's so confusing when there is real love there. But his version of love includes unacceptable levels of cruelty (not to mention an infuriating lack of self-awareness regarding his lack of fitness). And your version of love will continue to be a Sisyphus-ian battle if you stay. I am so sorry.
The title of this post should be "Relationship dilemma all due to his unwarranted narcissism"
Good luck and congratulations on your weight loss so far, keep up the good work.0 -
What I find ridiculous, is that he makes these comments about your body, yet he is doing something so damaging to his body by smoking. His remarks are ignorant and just plain shallow. I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years, and my weight has gone up and down 30 lbs several times, and never once has he ever made a negative comment. He looks at me the same whether I am thin or chunky, with loving eyes.
Tell him that his smoking turns you off. Don't kiss him for a while. Tell him he stinks and it makes you want to stay away from him. See how he likes it.
You deserve better.0 -
I feel like you could do better than this guy. It seems to me that he is being emotionally abusive. If he doesn't find your body attractive, then why would he want to be with you? I think he is just saying those things to break down your self esteem and "groom" you so that he can be manipulative and controlling. I was with a guy like that once and he would be so sweet and nice one minute and the next minute say something hurtful and it would really mess with my mind and emotions. I started to have symptoms of depression because of it and it only got better when I finally broke up with him after 2 years. I don't think any man should say those things to his woman and especially if you've only been officially together for a few months. From what you say this guy sounds dangerous and I would look for someone else or just be single.0
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