Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
Replies
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I know you are telling us you are a strong women who loves her body and I am sure you are. What if you don't lose all the weight what happens if you get married have children and are living a happy life but in the back of your head you can still hear him saying he is not attracted to your body. I don't care how secure you are in how you look knowing your man is not attracted to your body will take a toll on you. You know what he is saying is wrong and if a man turly loves you he loves everything about you.0
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I have a dear friend who loves a man who complained about her body, her weight and shape. She felt she could be more fit and healthy and decided she could make changes, mostly for herself, but let's be honest, also to please him. But she said back to him that her ideal man is muscular and he is quite scrawny. She explained if she was going to put forth effort in changing her body for him, he would have to do the same for her. This was a way they could work out together and spend quality time together. She lost quite a bit of weight, he stayed skinny as ever, and they are still married.
Hopefully this helps you somehow. He should not expect perfection/super model out of you as you are not expecting the same from him.0 -
Okay my gut reaction to the OP is that you need to step back and ask yourself whether or not you would have continued to date someone who said that about your body on a first or second date or are you simply tolerating such abusive manipulation because you're comfortable in your routine and fear being alone?0
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You will find someone better. ABSOLUTELY.
Tell him to go find someone with the body he loves (because EVERYONE'S BODY will always change) and you can go find someone with RESPECT that you love( because that stays the same).0 -
While you may want to be losing the weight for yourself, if he really loved you, he would love you no matter what size you are. You said your relationship is great, less this one thing, but this is more than just about the weight. It is how he uses criticism instead of encouragement. He should NEVER say he "wishes he found you attractive." If that was a real concern to him then he should motivate you to try and reach your goals instead of making you feel worse about yourself.
There is absolutly no way you should stay with someone who would even dare say those things. I don't know you, but NOBODY deserves to be talked to like that. It's his way of trying to get power in the relationship by putting you down. Get out of it while you still can!0 -
OMG reading this post made me sooooo angry! Forget this guy! You deserve to be with someone who will love you UNCONDITIONALLY and trust me, if you stick around with this guy it will all be down hill from here! This is just the beginning of his ridiculousness.0
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First off, congrats on loving yourself! That is very hard to do.
This is super toxic. And, I am sorry that you have to hear such things from your boyfriend, but this is abuse, as several others have mentioned. How can you really love someone if you are disgusted by their body? Because, from what you are saying, he is disgusted. And, as many others have said, bodies change--his and yours, and if he cannot accept you now, he will not be able to accept you in other ways.
My fiance told me that he has never dated anyone bigger than me (or even as big as me), but if he isn't attracted to my body the way he is to the rest, then he keeps it silent. In fact, he goes out of his way to tell me I'm beautiful even when I know/feel I look terrible. He helps me when I ask him (losing weight wise) but never says anything negative.
You will find someone who makes you happy and who makes you feel beautiful no matter what your size, and I can promise you that. I outweigh you (by a good chunk) and as someone else said in an earlier post, I have found people who love me for me--weight and all.
Ditch him. And love yourself again.
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My post should show up on Page 8. I serioulsy hope that by the time you read Page 8, you will have broken up with the loser!0
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All of this. It's perfectly acceptable to have standards, but to force them upon someone who doesn't fit is wrong. He needs to stop being so selfish.(Quote from an earlier post. Don't know how I messed it up, lol)\
If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.
Exactly! There's nothing wrong with having a type or wanting to be attracted to the person. But why get in a relationship with someone who you don't find attractive then expect them to change. That is what I do not understand. I've never dated a guy who I felt was unattractive because of being overweight then tell him he doesn't meet my standards and should lose weight. It just makes no sense.0 -
I think I can only echo what others have said. This man is not for you. He is interested in control and manipulation, and he is effective. You are at this point questioning your judgement and turning to strangers for input, and also you are "protecting" yourself through a small weight gain of 8 lbs. Your subconscious and your body know what your mind does not want to admit. His behavior evidences many problems for the future, and probably the LEAST will be this.
I know how valuable a connection with someone special is. Wouldn't you rather be available for someone who truly loved you?
Best of everything to you.0 -
I am married to someone just like him and IT GETS WORSE. My husband has said almost the same things to me and although you say that he cannot break you, you also said that you have gained 8 pounds which tells me that he is breaking you. Stress causes weight gain. I was 140 when I got with my husband. I am over 200 now. His verbal jabs started when I was around 160. I have starved myself (thus retaining fat) for years to try to lose weight. I have gotten bigger and bigger. My husband would be eating ice cream(or whatever the sweet of the day was) in front of me and if I got some would say...."do you really think that you need that? Someone that loves you does not talk to you like that. If he says it is out of concern for your health he is obviously not truthful if you have proven to be just as healthy and have just as much endurance as him. You need to continue on your path of healthiness for you. And whatever weight you are, your happiness should be top priority. Nobody has the right to take that from you. He has proven by his verbal jabs that he cannot get past your weight. My advice is to move on. Find someone that will love you NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH! Your weight is not YOU! Your heart is..... and he is hurting your heart!0
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I'm sure you've gotten a lot of great advice and this matter has probably been resolved, but I have to add my two cents which are:
Fruck him and that high horse he rode in on. Twice, in the *kitten*, and make sure to use something rusty. Nobody says *kitten* like that to someone they love. Period.
P.S. I outweigh you by a fair amount, and there have always been plenty of wonderful men in my world to love my body.
^^^^Great response!!!
I 2nd this…anyone who speaks to you like that doesn’t truly love you. I also speak from experience. There is a douche canoe in my past who shattered myself self esteem by saying very much the same things. One of many reasons he’s an ex and why no one I know refers to him by name. He is simply known as “The Clod”.0 -
As many others have reflected, that's very rude of him. Also, I honestly don't think that I would stay with the person - it would always nag me in the back of my head that he can't stand my body, no matter how many other ways we would be attracted to each other. It would also make me very insecure that he wasn't able to tolerate my appearance, no matter bigger or smaller, that he might stray because.... in your own words, "he can't bring himself to touch you".
This should be a warning sign, even if everything else is peaches, this alone would be a deal breaker in my eyes.
I'm sorry hun, you either need to have a true heart to heart to him about how & WHY he is doing this (telling you these things) but also stating he loves you. Something is going on and it's with him. I'm not saying things can't work out, but this type of things THIS EARLY needs to addresses now or it will come back to haunt you.
Best of luck0 -
And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.0
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And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
You will most likely get viciously flamed for this one...fair warning :flowerforyou:0 -
And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
If the situation was reversed - woman talking down to the man - I would still say Dump them. It's not about gender but about one person disrespecting another.0 -
Given the circumstance, yes I do agree, Laura.0
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Um, okay, so aren't you the guy who's been sitting here saying that because "men" are so "visually stimulated" that they absolutely MUST pick a woman that they are physically attracted to?? why would you ENCOURAGE her to stay in a relationship where the guy is clearly NOT physcially attracted to her.. Its like... the opposite of what you're saying... unless of course you mean to say that she needs to get skinny and maintain that for the rest of her life because that's what this guy wants??And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
Slightly confused.0 -
The question you should be asking yourself is this: "I am in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to me. Why is this acceptable to me?"
This^^^^0 -
I dunno, but when you want to change things about each other ALREADY and you've just gotten exclusive in your relationship - not a good sign. Gawd, just thinking about someone - man OR woman - saying those things to me, makes my blood boil!!
I'm sure there's a million men out there who would love you as you are, without having to change a hair.0 -
All of this. It's perfectly acceptable to have standards, but to force them upon someone who doesn't fit is wrong. He needs to stop being so selfish.(Quote from an earlier post. Don't know how I messed it up, lol)\
If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.
Exactly! There's nothing wrong with having a type or wanting to be attracted to the person. But why get in a relationship with someone who you don't find attractive then expect them to change. That is what I do not understand. I've never dated a guy who I felt was unattractive because of being overweight then tell him he doesn't meet my standards and should lose weight. It just makes no sense.
This.
You are beautiful...remember you are doing this for you and you deserve someone who believes that too.0 -
And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
What if your girlfriend/ wife said, "I wish I could love your tiny penis the way I love most of you. Everything about you is great but your penis really should be a lot bigger"
How would you feel0 -
That is not a man. That is a controlling *kitten* who likes having control ofpver you and feeling superior. Trust me, there are plenty of men (fit or overweight, or anything in-between) who will want you and love you for you. He is not with for the right reasons. I am sorry, but that is a man who likes putting you down and knows he is hurting you. It has very little to do with your weight.0
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How much does he weigh? Because that's how much weight you need to lose. He's a giant douche.
What's going to happen if you lose all the weight so he can be attracted to you, then have a couple kids and put it back on? Not that you will, but what happens if you do?
Do you want to be with someone who can only be attracted if you change your total appearance? And I hesitate to think what his comments will be when you've lost your total weight and your body isn't all tight and adorable like he's hoping? Because lets face it, our skin is only so elastic and its not all going back to where we started .
It's going to hurt like heck to say goodbye now. But not like it will when you have a couple kids by him and realize he doesn't love who you are. A very wise person once asked me, "Are you in love with __________, or are you in love with his potential?". I suspect he's more in love with your potential than you and you need to find someone who loves you now.0 -
He doesn't deserve you. Dump the loser. Really, why would he take the relationship so far without physical attraction from the beginning? it isn't worth it, you can find someone who truly loves you.0
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^^^^^And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
What if your girlfriend/ wife said, "I wish I could love your tiny penis the way I love most of you. Everything about you is great but your penis really should be a lot bigger"
How would you feel0 -
Um, okay, so aren't you the guy who's been sitting here saying that because "men" are so "visually stimulated" that they absolutely MUST pick a woman that they are physically attracted to?? why would you ENCOURAGE her to stay in a relationship where the guy is clearly NOT physcially attracted to her.. Its like... the opposite of what you're saying... unless of course you mean to say that she needs to get skinny and maintain that for the rest of her life because that's what this guy wants??And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
Slightly confused.
I never encouraged her to stay in the relationship. Truth is, I couldn't care less what she does. But I cannot propose theories for what she could do if she dumps him. I am just trying to provide an alternate solution is all.0 -
And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
All of your theories are terrible. You're just as bad as the OP's boyfriend after 8 darn pages.
Don't get in a relationship with someone you could not find attractive sexually. NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS.
You may think they've got the golden personality, but if you feel the need to tell them that they need to lose weight to feel attracted to them, then YOU made the mistake of getting involved in this relationship.
Preferences are one thing, but if you can't find them attractive REGARDLESS of what you "prefer" you're in the wrong relationship. For example, my type is dark hair, blue eyes, tall. My last two boyfriends were south asian, and not tall or blue eyed. I still felt attraction to them regardless that they weren't my "type." My type is David Gandy (Ladies: Look him up, do yourself a favor), but I might feel an attraction to a Russel Peters regardless.
This guy is a jerk, and Mountainmover is sure acting like one too. He knew what you looked like when you two got together, and he's being abusive about it. Even if he did hope you'd lose weight this is the WORST way to go about it. No. just no.0 -
He's an *kitten*.
I second that!]0 -
There are many pages of "dump him", which may very well be a good idea.
But these pages are still all about HIM. Like I said before, he doesn't matter. If you just run from him without examining why you drew someone into your love life who isn't physically attracted to you, you'll just find another version of the same ill-suited partner.0
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