Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
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Lose the weight for you, and then get out of that relationship. Or dump him first then lose the weight. How awful it must feel to be told those things! Get rid of him because it won't be any better. Of course it will be hard because you love him, but you don't deserve to be told you're not attractive.0
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First of all congrats on your journey and for you LOVING yourself! But let me say this....He is emotionally abusing you, whether its intentional or not,he is! He's not good for you because with LOVE there is no exception...he wants you to change who you are and the skin your in. Well the 2 go together and if your at a point where you say you love yourself then do just that and love yourself...Love yourself enough to know that you are a great person and there are other great guys out there that will except you for YOU!0
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Truthfully.. the way I see it. If you love somebody, truly you are attracted to them. Because you love them. You love their hearts, bodies, and minds.Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.
But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?
I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.
Being totally honest my fiance is not in shape, I'm very fit.
I'm excited whenever he talks about working out, because I want him to be healthy. But on an looks level, I think he's a gorgeous man.
If you can't love somebody for who they are, don't date them.
i SO AGREE WITH THE LAST PART OF THIS!0 -
my first thought "f*** him!"
I dated a guy that use to say "No fat chicks!" and made fun of the women we would see when we went out that were bigger and place bets with his friends. Whoever took the fattest chick in the bar home and banged her would 'win' - money. They'd all pitch in between $50 and $100 bucks each - that's up to a $1,000 bucks. It was terrible! He would say "You'll never be like that, right?"
Anyway, point is, I looked at your profile and you've lost 55lbs... wthell is his problem? You look good! You're not disgusting or unattractive by any means!!!
What is he going to do if one day you get pregnant and get bigger? UGH men like this piss me off! I had this convo with my current bf and said "Hun, I get pregnant I'm gonna get fat, you know that right?" He said "Hun, you're healthy and fit now, I know you won't stop working out anyway, so you'll be fine. I'm not worried, I'll love you either way."
That's the kind of answer you SHOULD get! He knows you're trying, you're working your *kitten* off (literally) while he smokes and huffs and puffs... he should find it hot that you can out run him... dumb *kitten*.
If this was my bf, I would have punched him in the face for being a rude p-o-s... his mother should have taught him some manners and respect!0 -
It doesn't make him a bad guy, but he may not be the right guy for you. My tall husband wasn't as blunt as your guy, he only gave subtle hints of his displeasure, but he isn't attracted to curvy women, either. While I was heavy, he still loved me, and I don't think he considered leaving me, but his passion left. In our case, I didn't like my curves, either. I lost the weight to please both of us. Before we married, I was slim, and it was no secret that heavy women didn't appeal to him. Everyone is different. My ex wanted me to gain weight. I had no desire to grant that wish. I suspected he just wanted me to be less attractive.
Everyone is different. That's not bad, it's just a fact. Find someone who wants what you want, and your life will be easier. Good luck and God bless you.0 -
YOU, my dear, are beautiful. He is NOT your only option. YOU are not stuck with him. I would probably let him know I had a LOT to think about and that I was considering leaving due to his comments about my weight and see how he felt about it. Apparently he thinks you are gonna stay and listen to his abusive garbage forever. This could be potentially harmful to anyone's self-esteem. Being beat down weekly about your weight....which you are clearly addressing,...could lead to a LOT of issues later on. I'm sure if you left because of this he would feel like the biggest idiot. Honestly, he probably should.
It hurts to know that the person you think is close to perfect thinks you have a major flaw....I've been there but can you deal with a comment like this every week for the rest of your life? 52 weeks in a year..that is a LOT of insults and a LOT of hurting.
It's up to you but know that you are worth more than hearing that you are less than perfect. Good luck!0 -
It doesn't make him a bad guy, but he may not be the right guy for you. My tall husband isn't attracted to curvy women, either. While I was heavy, he still loved me, and I don't think he considered leaving me, but his passion left. In our case, I didn't like my curves, either. I lost the weight to please both of us. Before we married, I was slim, and it was no secret that heavy women didn't appeal to him. Everyone is different. My ex wanted me to gain weight. I had no desire to grant that wish. I suspected he just wanted me to be less attractive.
Everyone is different. That's not bad, it's just a fact. Find someone who wants what you want, and your life will be easier. Good luck and God bless you.
great advice!0 -
This is my final post on this. Promise. Going to play some Age of Empires. But what I am getting from you women, is that I should just forego the bigger women, and ignore them so that I do not hurt their feelings down the road when I cannot get it up anymore. If I find myself in this situation, I must keep the peace by never saying a word, and constantly going back and forth in my mind between finding sexual attraction and losing great intimacy, because any word that points in the direction of 'you need to lose weight' will be totally and completely demoralizing and destructive.
In my eyes, she is not fat. He is hecka tall, but I think she is okay. About 40 lbs under me. But she should talk with him and strike a balance. If they can do that, the relationship will survive. If not, then it wont. Some women know how to use those comments as motivation, and WANT to improve themselves for the one they love. Penis size is nothing we can change. That is genetic. But we can make ourselves more appealing to the other person. It is much more than cosmetic. It shows devotion and desire.
We are all here for the same generic reason of losing weight. We want to lose the weight just as much as the people next to us want to lose it as well. I wish all of you a great journey on your way to being in the best shape of your life!0 -
Okay. I am going to go with the "he's just not that into you." Why? because in reality it sounds like to me he is already preparing you for no future in this relationship with his comments. Its hard to touch you, your weight, etc. Its all signs that he is telling you that your not the one for him for a long term and comitted relationship such as marriage.
I may get attacked for this but some men are content with being in a relationship they know they see no future with while waiting for something else. I had this experience with someone I adored and was quite head over heels for. He would tell me "its complicated" " we would work if you weren't so fiesty" or if I text him less, called him less, wanted sex less. The list goes on. Well guess what? He was in a relationship with someone else. He never intended on being with me. He just used me for what he wanted. I had an older and much wiser male coworker who said men are like crack addicts. They will do anything to protect their supply. That means saying they love you, etc. to keep whatever it is they want without any sort of real commitment.
I weigh 169 lbs right now which is 18 lbs or so more then when I met my now fiance. He loves me for who I am, tells me I am beautiful and could care a less if I lose weight or not. He supports me wanting to lose weight if it makes me happier. Actually, he gets down right upset when I cut myself down.
If he had a hard time with your weight, curves, etc. prior to becoming exclusive he never should have let things get to that point. In my opinion, again just an opinion, he is telling you these things so you get the hint that this is not going to be a long term relationship. There is no potential. In the meantime, he will stay with you as long as you allow until someone "better" ( in his eyes by his body preference) comes along.
After I got a divorce I had to learn what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship. I had to learn when someone was telling me what I wanted to hear. These are some key things I learned:
1. If he doesn't text or call you back and you always have to initiate contact something is wrong
2. If he says "you would be perfect for me if ____" (insert if you lost weight, dressed different, made more money, etc.) then there is no future. You don't go into a relationship to change someone.
3. If he doesn't plan future events (vacations, etc) and when you try he says "lets see how things are when that time comes" its because he doesn't see a future with you
4. If you get him on the phone and you get one word answers and he wont say your name, he is probably with someone else
5. If you don't meet his friends after months of dating or they don't know who you are its because he isn't that into you.
I looked at your pics and excuse me for saying so but you are very attractive and have a very nice figure. He is crazy.0 -
This sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship. Do not walk RUN away form this relationship. If he can't love you for you now he never will AND he will hurt the way you see yourself.
Speaking form personal experience.0 -
DumpdumpdumpdumpDUMP. Don't bother psychoanalyzing him. Let him pay a therapist for that for the next 30 years or so.0
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Get out now. He's an *kitten*. There are too many men who would love you without changing a single thing about you. They would never pick you apart. From the way you chew your food or pick at your fingernails, someone out there will teach you what unconditional love is. No one is perfect, but to someone who really truly loves you, you are perfect. And I suspect if your self esteem is as good as you think it is you woulda left the first time he made one of these comments. If I ever found out my fiance is not attracted to me it would be a total game changer. Could I go from thinking he worships my entire body, chubby and flabby parts and all, to being critical and maybe even repulsed by it? No, we could not recover from that.0
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This is my final post on this. Promise. Going to play some Age of Empires. But what I am getting from you women, is that I should just forego the bigger women, and ignore them so that I do not hurt their feelings down the road when I cannot get it up anymore. If I find myself in this situation, I must keep the peace by never saying a word, and constantly going back and forth in my mind between finding sexual attraction and losing great intimacy, because any word that points in the direction of 'you need to lose weight' will be totally and completely demoralizing and destructive.
that seems to be the consensus (but a few of us have suggested differently
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but then when that happens there are posts made about 'why am i invisible?" i'll honestly say i dont envy you guys when it comes to dating women because some b*tches be crazy :laugh:
i also dont quite understand when someone knows they need to lose weight but then their partner says "you need to lose weight" people get pissed. it's like, you already knew you needed to lose weight so it's not like they are telling you anything new. why expect someone else to be accepting of your own body when even you can't be?
also here's another thing to throw out.. some guys have issues with overweight women's bodies because some overweight women have issues with their bodies. so for instance if you're going on and o about how fat you are, rejecting every compliment, going to bed dressed in a flannel old lady gown, refusing to have the lights on during sex because you're ashamed, refusing certain positions because you don't want to be seen , etc all of that will eventually remind of your overweightedness0 -
If any of his comments were regarding your health rather than strictly your appearance, I would say maybe he does love and truly care about you, but all he seems to do is criticize in a hurtful way. If he doesn't love all of you now, then he really doesn't deserve you when you reach your goal. It sounds like he'd find some other flaw to bring up anyway. Good luck with your decision!0
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If he beats you before you get married he'll beat you harder after you get married. Yes, verbal abuse is a beat down with words instead of a fist! I would recommend trying some of the above mentioned advise and see it how it goes. But keep both eyes wide open if you decide to go in. Good luck!!0
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No. Just no. The dilemma isn't your weight, it's his mindset and his alone. I'm glad to hear that you're secure and confident as you are because you are already and were so even at your highest weight, deserving of someone who can love and accept you in whatever situation you may find yourself. It's one thing to wish for a healthy life for someone you care for but to place conditions on whether love is given based on weight and looks alone, is a recipe for failure sooner or later. We each obviously have an "ideal" person who we would wish to find but perfection doesn't exist and even if it does for a moment in time, it'll likely not stay true over the long haul. We change, we grow and life throws things at us that can take away that "perfection" at any given moment. Only you can decide what you are and aren't willing to accept but I'd encourage you to think carely before investing too much time and energy trying to meet another's expectations. I wish you the best.
Extremely well said.0 -
This is my final post on this. Promise. Going to play some Age of Empires. But what I am getting from you women, is that I should just forego the bigger women, and ignore them so that I do not hurt their feelings down the road when I cannot get it up anymore. If I find myself in this situation, I must keep the peace by never saying a word, and constantly going back and forth in my mind between finding sexual attraction and losing great intimacy, because any word that points in the direction of 'you need to lose weight' will be totally and completely demoralizing and destructive.
In my eyes, she is not fat. He is hecka tall, but I think she is okay. About 40 lbs under me. But she should talk with him and strike a balance. If they can do that, the relationship will survive. If not, then it wont. Some women know how to use those comments as motivation, and WANT to improve themselves for the one they love. Penis size is nothing we can change. That is genetic. But we can make ourselves more appealing to the other person. It is much more than cosmetic. It shows devotion and desire.
We are all here for the same generic reason of losing weight. We want to lose the weight just as much as the people next to us want to lose it as well. I wish all of you a great journey on your way to being in the best shape of your life!
There is a HUGE difference than being supportive while not being happy with your spouses appearance and there's just being a straight jerk. This guy is a jerk. He's essentially telling her "I don't find you attractive and this is your fault because you're fat." HOW IS THAT OKAY in any English? That's not okay. She's said that she's spoken to him on many occasions about his way of talking to her and his feelings and he's told her "That's how I feel". He's entitled to his feelings but she's entitled to walk away and that's exactly what she can do. And should do.0 -
First let me tell you this... I love your exotic look! You are beautiful!
I know you love him, but I can only tell you from experience. This behavior doesn't improve once expectations are met.
I married someone exactly like your guy in my 20's. Everything about "us" was wonderful except he was never satisfied with my body. I was 120 lbs when we married. I wasn't muscular enough. I gained to a comfortable 130 after we settled into married life(I'm 5'5") and the comments continued. I killed myself at the gym to stay thin. My housekeeping slacked off because I was at the gym too much. I got pregnant. I won't even tell you the heartache he put me through for becoming "fat and gross" while pregnant. He wouldn't have sex with me unless he spent an hour watching porn first, and then tell me it was my fault for not looking more like the women on the porn.
None of this happened overnight....it was a gradual decline of respect that was never high to begin with. If a man tears you down from day 1 over things beyond *his* control(ie: your weight), he will always look for something to blame outside of himself. If he had integrity, he'd walk away if he feels so negatively about your body.
I realize you made up your mind to stay positive and see where it goes. I urge you to quit accepting negative comments from him. Tell him it's unacceptable, and he can either A) get the frick over it or
let the door hit him on the way out.
He can have his thoughts and feelings, but YOU do not have to take ownership of those thoughts and feelings. It's like someone tossing poop at you and you choosing to open wide to swallow it. REJECT NEGATIVITY of others. It's their problem. Don't make it yours.
Loving someone is not molding them into your ideal! Being loved is not walking a tightrope trying to meet other's expectations!
Sorry for the rant, but it hits close to home for me.0 -
DumpdumpdumpdumpDUMP. Don't bother psychoanalyzing him. Let him pay a therapist for that for the next 30 years or so.
EXACTLY! JUST DUMP HIM. YOU ARE NOT THE JERK WHISPERER.0 -
Just one more thing - for those of you giving kudos for this guy being honest - you're all blind. In one breath, he's saying he doesn't know if he can spend his life with her because of the way she looks and in the next breath he's saying he's not shallow.
Really?! He's not honest, he's rude and he's an idiot who has no clue what he wants in a relationship. The man has issues.0 -
It doesn't sound like you are a good fit.0
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This is my final post on this. Promise. Going to play some Age of Empires. But what I am getting from you women, is that I should just forego the bigger women, and ignore them so that I do not hurt their feelings down the road when I cannot get it up anymore. If I find myself in this situation, I must keep the peace by never saying a word, and constantly going back and forth in my mind between finding sexual attraction and losing great intimacy, because any word that points in the direction of 'you need to lose weight' will be totally and completely demoralizing and destructive.
In my eyes, she is not fat. He is hecka tall, but I think she is okay. About 40 lbs under me. But she should talk with him and strike a balance. If they can do that, the relationship will survive. If not, then it wont. Some women know how to use those comments as motivation, and WANT to improve themselves for the one they love. Penis size is nothing we can change. That is genetic. But we can make ourselves more appealing to the other person. It is much more than cosmetic. It shows devotion and desire.
We are all here for the same generic reason of losing weight. We want to lose the weight just as much as the people next to us want to lose it as well. I wish all of you a great journey on your way to being in the best shape of your life!
There is a big difference between being in a long term relationship or marriage with someone and after many years telling them you love them and will continue to love them but you are concerned about their health, weight due to decrease intimacy. Its another thing to tell someone you love them but due to their weight, "curves" etc you don't see being with them forever. So why get in the relationship to begin with? Also there is a huge different between bringing these things up in a long term committed relationship then bringing it up during the first few months of being an exclusive couple. That's the difference.0 -
I know this isn't what you want to hear but he doesn't really love you. Get out now. He is clearly shallow and a liar so why trust him and spend more time invested in a relationship that will go no where?
When a person loves you they love every part of you... they don't just love parts. Why spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't love everything about you?
If I were you I would be having a conversation with him. Why does he feel this way? Why does he say he's not that shallow but than brings it up again? Why does he think you should lose weight for him but he can keep smoking?
You can't lose weight for anyone but you.
Don't be with someone who expects you to be something different.
If you stay and lose the weight.. what else will he decide he doesn't like? It isn't just about the weight. Get out while you can and before it gets even harder to.
If he's not physically attracted to you how can you be sure he's faithful?0 -
Lmao!0
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I didnt read through the responses but this guy is a ****. I would leave him and I am ALWAYS the one saying "work it out". My boyfriend would love me and think I was beautiful at 800 pounds. Its important that he support you in wanting to lose weight but telling you you need to so he is attracted to you is disgusting. Especially when you were the way you are when you met.0
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I know this isn't what you want to hear but he doesn't really love you. Get out now. He is clearly shallow and a liar so why trust him and spend more time invested in a relationship that will go no where?
When a person loves you they love every part of you... they don't just love parts. Why spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't love everything about you?
If I were you I would be having a conversation with him. Why does he feel this way? Why does he say he's not that shallow but than brings it up again? Why does he think you should lose weight for him but he can keep smoking?
You can't lose weight for anyone but you.
Don't be with someone who expects you to be something different.
If you stay and lose the weight.. what else will he decide he doesn't like? It isn't just about the weight. Get out while you can and before it gets even harder to.
I totally agree!!!!0 -
There is nothing on earth worse or more lonely than being in bed every night with someone who is not physically attracted to you. Singleness is much better.0
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My boyfriend has been point blank with me about my weight. He told me that if i got to a certain size/flab level that he would not be physically attracted to me anymore. I get that. I have told him the same thing.
He recently commented that I gained a lot of weight (and i had over the holidays, 9lbs). It sounds harsh but it was needed. On the other hand, he doesn't harp on me.
There was a time when he was trying to help by asking me every day if i had worked out and how many calories i had eaten and how much i weighed. That did not work out at all! I was depressed and self hating, and gained more weight, like you! We modified our communication to commenting on over all look.
I if you are truly in love and want to keep in this relationship, I would tell him to keep it to himself because he is making it worse. Encourage him to encourage you! Whats the saying? "If you don't have something nice to say...?" I know it is hard because you get all that negative, and it is a boulder sitting on your shoulders and it makes it all the more harder to progress down this path of weight loss/body image.
Better yet! Make him put $5 into a savings account every time he is negative to you. When you hit your goal make him spend it on you! Dinner, clothes, SHOES!!!!!0 -
That's not very cool. I'd be turned off by a guy like that. you can always lose weight..but he needs a personality transplant.
Enjoy the relationship and sounds to me like the red flag you feel is very very valid. listen to your instincts..they're spot on.
I suggest you save your long term love for a good man who loves you no matter what. ..that is what the long haul is all about. It also pertains to other things in life..like health..and money..things that come and go in a marriage..and blind love is what gets you through.0 -
Lmao!
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