Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

Options
1…78101213…26

Replies

  • Jennvandemark
    Jennvandemark Posts: 179 Member
    Options
    I know you are telling us you are a strong women who loves her body and I am sure you are. What if you don't lose all the weight what happens if you get married have children and are living a happy life but in the back of your head you can still hear him saying he is not attracted to your body. I don't care how secure you are in how you look knowing your man is not attracted to your body will take a toll on you. You know what he is saying is wrong and if a man turly loves you he loves everything about you.
  • bmc0608
    bmc0608 Posts: 1
    Options
    I have a dear friend who loves a man who complained about her body, her weight and shape. She felt she could be more fit and healthy and decided she could make changes, mostly for herself, but let's be honest, also to please him. But she said back to him that her ideal man is muscular and he is quite scrawny. She explained if she was going to put forth effort in changing her body for him, he would have to do the same for her. This was a way they could work out together and spend quality time together. She lost quite a bit of weight, he stayed skinny as ever, and they are still married.
    Hopefully this helps you somehow. He should not expect perfection/super model out of you as you are not expecting the same from him.
  • melsmith612
    melsmith612 Posts: 727 Member
    Options
    Okay my gut reaction to the OP is that you need to step back and ask yourself whether or not you would have continued to date someone who said that about your body on a first or second date or are you simply tolerating such abusive manipulation because you're comfortable in your routine and fear being alone?
  • llpaq
    llpaq Posts: 263 Member
    Options
    You will find someone better. ABSOLUTELY.
    Tell him to go find someone with the body he loves (because EVERYONE'S BODY will always change) and you can go find someone with RESPECT that you love( because that stays the same).
  • aolbrych
    aolbrych Posts: 2
    Options
    While you may want to be losing the weight for yourself, if he really loved you, he would love you no matter what size you are. You said your relationship is great, less this one thing, but this is more than just about the weight. It is how he uses criticism instead of encouragement. He should NEVER say he "wishes he found you attractive." If that was a real concern to him then he should motivate you to try and reach your goals instead of making you feel worse about yourself.
    There is absolutly no way you should stay with someone who would even dare say those things. I don't know you, but NOBODY deserves to be talked to like that. It's his way of trying to get power in the relationship by putting you down. Get out of it while you still can!
  • kooltray87
    kooltray87 Posts: 501 Member
    Options
    OMG reading this post made me sooooo angry! Forget this guy! You deserve to be with someone who will love you UNCONDITIONALLY and trust me, if you stick around with this guy it will all be down hill from here! This is just the beginning of his ridiculousness.
  • exquisitecadavre
    exquisitecadavre Posts: 51
    Options
    First off, congrats on loving yourself! That is very hard to do.

    This is super toxic. And, I am sorry that you have to hear such things from your boyfriend, but this is abuse, as several others have mentioned. How can you really love someone if you are disgusted by their body? Because, from what you are saying, he is disgusted. And, as many others have said, bodies change--his and yours, and if he cannot accept you now, he will not be able to accept you in other ways.


    My fiance told me that he has never dated anyone bigger than me (or even as big as me), but if he isn't attracted to my body the way he is to the rest, then he keeps it silent. In fact, he goes out of his way to tell me I'm beautiful even when I know/feel I look terrible. He helps me when I ask him (losing weight wise) but never says anything negative.

    You will find someone who makes you happy and who makes you feel beautiful no matter what your size, and I can promise you that. I outweigh you (by a good chunk) and as someone else said in an earlier post, I have found people who love me for me--weight and all.

    Ditch him. And love yourself again. <3
  • MeMyCatsandI
    MeMyCatsandI Posts: 704 Member
    Options
    My post should show up on Page 8. I serioulsy hope that by the time you read Page 8, you will have broken up with the loser!
  • ErinBeth7
    ErinBeth7 Posts: 1,625 Member
    Options
    (Quote from an earlier post. Don't know how I messed it up, lol)\
    If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.



    Exactly! There's nothing wrong with having a type or wanting to be attracted to the person. But why get in a relationship with someone who you don't find attractive then expect them to change. That is what I do not understand. I've never dated a guy who I felt was unattractive because of being overweight then tell him he doesn't meet my standards and should lose weight. It just makes no sense.
    All of this. It's perfectly acceptable to have standards, but to force them upon someone who doesn't fit is wrong. He needs to stop being so selfish.
  • sheleen302
    sheleen302 Posts: 266 Member
    Options
    I think I can only echo what others have said. This man is not for you. He is interested in control and manipulation, and he is effective. You are at this point questioning your judgement and turning to strangers for input, and also you are "protecting" yourself through a small weight gain of 8 lbs. Your subconscious and your body know what your mind does not want to admit. His behavior evidences many problems for the future, and probably the LEAST will be this.
    I know how valuable a connection with someone special is. Wouldn't you rather be available for someone who truly loved you?
    Best of everything to you.
  • BCulwell67
    BCulwell67 Posts: 3
    Options
    I am married to someone just like him and IT GETS WORSE. My husband has said almost the same things to me and although you say that he cannot break you, you also said that you have gained 8 pounds which tells me that he is breaking you. Stress causes weight gain. I was 140 when I got with my husband. I am over 200 now. His verbal jabs started when I was around 160. I have starved myself (thus retaining fat) for years to try to lose weight. I have gotten bigger and bigger. My husband would be eating ice cream(or whatever the sweet of the day was) in front of me and if I got some would say...."do you really think that you need that? Someone that loves you does not talk to you like that. If he says it is out of concern for your health he is obviously not truthful if you have proven to be just as healthy and have just as much endurance as him. You need to continue on your path of healthiness for you. And whatever weight you are, your happiness should be top priority. Nobody has the right to take that from you. He has proven by his verbal jabs that he cannot get past your weight. My advice is to move on. Find someone that will love you NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH! Your weight is not YOU! Your heart is..... and he is hurting your heart!
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,198 Member
    Options
    I'm sure you've gotten a lot of great advice and this matter has probably been resolved, but I have to add my two cents which are:


    Fruck him and that high horse he rode in on. Twice, in the *kitten*, and make sure to use something rusty. Nobody says *kitten* like that to someone they love. Period.


    P.S. I outweigh you by a fair amount, and there have always been plenty of wonderful men in my world to love my body.


    ^^^^Great response!!!

    I 2nd this…anyone who speaks to you like that doesn’t truly love you. I also speak from experience. There is a douche canoe in my past who shattered myself self esteem by saying very much the same things. One of many reasons he’s an ex and why no one I know refers to him by name. He is simply known as “The Clod”.
  • sammniamii
    sammniamii Posts: 669 Member
    Options
    As many others have reflected, that's very rude of him. Also, I honestly don't think that I would stay with the person - it would always nag me in the back of my head that he can't stand my body, no matter how many other ways we would be attracted to each other. It would also make me very insecure that he wasn't able to tolerate my appearance, no matter bigger or smaller, that he might stray because.... in your own words, "he can't bring himself to touch you".

    This should be a warning sign, even if everything else is peaches, this alone would be a deal breaker in my eyes.

    I'm sorry hun, you either need to have a true heart to heart to him about how & WHY he is doing this (telling you these things) but also stating he loves you. Something is going on and it's with him. I'm not saying things can't work out, but this type of things THIS EARLY needs to addresses now or it will come back to haunt you.

    Best of luck
  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
    Options
    And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,198 Member
    Options
    And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.

    You will most likely get viciously flamed for this one...fair warning :flowerforyou:
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    Options
    And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.

    If the situation was reversed - woman talking down to the man - I would still say Dump them. It's not about gender but about one person disrespecting another.
  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
    Options
    Given the circumstance, yes I do agree, Laura.
  • Today414
    Today414 Posts: 118
    Options
    And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
    Um, okay, so aren't you the guy who's been sitting here saying that because "men" are so "visually stimulated" that they absolutely MUST pick a woman that they are physically attracted to?? why would you ENCOURAGE her to stay in a relationship where the guy is clearly NOT physcially attracted to her.. Its like... the opposite of what you're saying... unless of course you mean to say that she needs to get skinny and maintain that for the rest of her life because that's what this guy wants??

    Slightly confused.
  • Angie_Fritts
    Angie_Fritts Posts: 263 Member
    Options
    The question you should be asking yourself is this: "I am in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to me. Why is this acceptable to me?"


    This^^^^
  • amanda_gent
    amanda_gent Posts: 174 Member
    Options
    I dunno, but when you want to change things about each other ALREADY and you've just gotten exclusive in your relationship - not a good sign. Gawd, just thinking about someone - man OR woman - saying those things to me, makes my blood boil!!

    I'm sure there's a million men out there who would love you as you are, without having to change a hair.

Categories