Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

laughingdani

Just commenting to say....

I took a look at your pics and your profile. You are frickin adorable, sexy and look like a blast to hang out with.
I bet you're funny too. Have the confidence to do what's right for you.

ItsCasey

I didn't read any of the responses in this thread, but you need to run from this guy as fast as you can. I know that is easier said than done, but he is telling you as clearly as he possibly can that his feelings for you are conditional. What would happen if you married the guy, had his child, and struggled to get the pregnancy weight off? And if, by some miracle, your relationship managed to survive to old age, what then? When you're old and wrinkled and nothing on your body is where it used to be, is he going to leave you to die alone?

There is a world of difference between encouraging someone to develop healthier lifestyle habits and bullying them. He is bullying you. You deserve better.

And this is most definitely not about bashing men for being honest. It's about bashing jerks for the horrible things they say to people they claim to love. Male, female, doesn't matter. People who care about your physical, mental, and emotional well-being don't speak to you that way.

TinGirl314

My 'one', 'soulmate', 'partner'...whatever will be someone who loves me at 300 pounds or 160. (Not that I'm ever going to let myself get there again, but I'm trying to make a point.)

Ask him how he is going to deal with this 'lack of attraction' when you both are a bag of wrinkles.
As for this dude:
"And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun. "

I am looking at the big picture. The big picture is, if my lover is going to sit there and tell me I'm unattractive, why would I stay with him? o_o She asking for help because it seems to have been multiple times that he's expressed this. She is also losing weight currently, so he knew that she was heavier than what he's picturing in his head.

He is not being mature about the situation... he's not trying to work on it. He's just saying 'I can't spend the rest of my life with you until you loose weight. That's wrong...he either wants her in his life or doesn't. These ultimatums and blow to her self-confidence (Though the OP seems very strong mentally) are not needed. She is a beautiful, strong woman.

letobot

Love is love. It's unconditional....one can't just cherry pick the parts. On to the next one.

hockeymom95

I guess I am not sure why you are asking? Maybe that's an indication you already know the answer but you don't to admit it. It is not love if he says he can not stand you body or your "curvy" figure. Sometimes love makes us think we should compromised. No one should. The best love is that you can give your self. It sounds like you both like the idea of being together but can not take each other for who they are right now.

MountainMoverJosh

And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.

What if your girlfriend/ wife said, "I wish I could love your tiny penis the way I love most of you. Everything about you is great but your penis really should be a lot bigger"

How would you feel

^^^^^

I agree. my penis should definitely be a lot bigger.

I_see_skinny_Me

Run, don't walk, away. If he truly loves you, he will run towards you. Your weight should not matter at all. If he is this negative now, what about when you are older, have kids, have stretch marks, have scars, have cancer.... there will always be an excuse. You deserve better. Your spirits are not kindred. Run... NOW

riley711

This is really easy to answer...this is not the right relationship for you. His comments about your weight are put downs, no matter how he tries to dress them up. Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to? The fact that you've put on 8 lbs is another clear indicator that this is not right for you. You should want to be with someone who lifts you up, not puts you down. You shouldn't be with someone who wants to change you, nor should you be with someone you hope will change later. His smoking will eventually get to you as well. When he comes to hug you after smoking a cigarette and you push him away saying ewww, you stink. Having experience with these issues, I can tell you that this is a toxic relationship that could severely damage both of you. Do both of you a favor and end this, or agree to just be friends so that your weight won't be the central issue/excuse for why he won't do certain things. He will constantly be like "I would do this, but your weight...; I would try that with you but you're too heavy; I would take you this place or that, but your weight ....; I can't marry you until you lose XX lbs, and if you gain them back, I'm leaving you."

drea85an

OP....

Maybe you could approach it this way:

Bargain with him. If you guys have a real comfortable relationship, ask him if he will try to quit smoking. I quit in October, and it is the best thing I ever did. 3 months later, I never have a craving. I quit for me, and this is how it is done. But try something: ask him to find his reasons for not wanting to smoke. If he can find reasons for himself, ask him to quit smoking while you are on your weight loss journey. You can be loving and supportive towards his breaking the habit (remember, for him), and he can be supportive- not narcissistic- about you losing the weight you want to lose. It will help both of you gain healthier lives, and you will also grow astronomically closer as a couple. Guaranteed. Give that a shot, but be serious about it, not passive. If you just bring it up while having dinner, he will not take it seriously.

I agree here and in fact we had that discsussion a week ago today. After we went hiking and he was huffing and puffing and I was running all over the place I suggested that while I continue to get FITTER (I am no slouch), he quits smoking so that we can continue our outdoor walks and hikes with more ease. Also, the money saved from cigarettes he can put towards something he really wants... he agreed that this is a challenge for him but not yet ready to get it going. My guy has said he is in the best place in his life physically and emotionally, he has a massive sense of self and confidence and when we met he was like this. I guess the reality is he will one day he will meet someone with the body he craves and he will decide what he wants. He's a good guy as you implied, thanks again for your perspectives, hard to read but good to know....

He is not a good guy, and a man with massive amounts ofmconfidence and self esteem does not put someone down for their looks. He is not looking for you to be healthy, all his comments are selfish and condescending to you. That is abuse, and you should be with someone whocrespects you. You are notmwith that person right now. Yu will makemyour own decision, it is tour life, but remember this in 5 years when it escalates.

jrhodo

He is not being honest with himself. I think he is having trouble with his sexuality and using you.

shanmackie

I'm sorry - I haven't read the rest of the pages because there are a LOT of responses, I'm sure many of them great, but after reading your first post... wow. Those are not some comments someone who loves you should be making. It's great that he loves YOU but he doesn't love you on the outside either. I know you get "points" for seeing someone on the inside but he has to love you for YOU inside AND out.

I would not be able to date somebody like that. You would make your own decision though. It's one thing if he's worried about you and wants to see you get healthy but the comments you were posting don't sound like that at all.

pinky_pie

I'm not going to go into what he's already said to you about your weight. You know how you feel about that.

What I am going to comment on, is that you've already gained 8lbs. That is likely quite frustrating for you.

Unfortunately there is a train of thought that being negative to a person about their weight will want that person to 'work harder'. Yes, there are those who will be motivated by that, but not many that I've encountered.

If you're someone that needs positive enforcement and encouragement about your weight loss journey, this relationship seems counterproductive.

BTW, congratulations on the weight that you've lost thus far. That is an amazing accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself. You're doing wonderful.

Namaste xo

naner61

RUN!

If he says those things to you, he has no respect for you and NEVER will. It will get worse if you stay. If he really loved you your phyical appearance would not be an issue!! PERIOD!!!!

Um.....I would prefer to be sexually attracted to the one I love. It is a FACT that sexual libido declines with weight gain. it is not an opinion, just science. But for you to say that physical appearance is a non-issue is quite naive.

A vaild point....then don't start dating that person if their physical appearence is an issue for your sexual libido, and certainly don't beat up their self esteem by saying the things he said. Science or not no other person on the face of this earth should treat another person that way.

Sugar7324

It sounds to me like instead of focusing your attention on you and your weight loss, your attention is on him and the things he says to you. You also said that the relationship is great except for this one thing, do you know how many women have said that? "I really love him and I know he loves me, everything is wonderful except that he beats me up every day" , Abuse is abuse and it sounds to me like he is emotionally and psychologically abusing you. It''s one thing to have an honest discussion with your partner about your feelings and say something to the effect of , I love you and I am concerned about your health but it is unacceptable for him to continually say the remarks you mentioned. I would recommend taking some time apart. Focus on you and you never know a much better guy deserving of you might show up

UnoDrea3732

I'm sorry but that would not be on my list of people that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He should know that you are/have been struggling with your weight since you were young and pointing it out would not make me wanna lost any weight. Love me for who I am not whom I can become.

OzarkMountainMan

From a male standpoint, I couldn't imagine saying those words to anyone.

I guess what you really have to ask yourself is this something you're willing to tolerate long term?

I would think that being treated like that certainly will take its toll on your personal confidence level in all aspects of your life.

corn63

You need to get rid of him. Immediately. You are worth someone loving you for you. You are worth someone loving your body for what it is, not what they want it to be. it would be different if he was saying "I want you around forever, please get healthy." He's NOT saying this. He's telling you that he doesn't like YOUR BODY. IT IS YOUR BODY.

Oh, I just cannot tell you in enough words to RUN. DON'T WALK.

Zommbunny

OMG and u actually stay with him lol
thats just mental abuse

MeMyCatsandI

And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.

I KNOW, right! There is nothing worse than empowered women empowering other women! :huh:

SUSANSIZZY

It's really unfortunate that there are still men out there like this, but there are a lot of them. Fortunately there are even more men out there that aren't cruel and shallow. I have been married for 23 years to a man that loved me 100 lbs ago, and still loves me today. Despite the weight I have put on he has NEVER EVER said anything negative to me about it. In fact he constantly tells me how beautiful I am. I have asked him on occassion about my physical appearance and his response is "just a little more to love". Can you imagine what life will be like for you in the future with somebody that doesn't love you unconditionally? The weight is just the beginning, what happens when he doesn't like your friends, or your family. Do you continue to meet the "conditions" necessary to maintain this relationship? Good Luck on your journey to get healthy, and good luck on your journey in finding somebody that truley loves you for who you are, not what you look like. Seriously, men like this are always looking for something that fits their mold better. If he didn't want to lose you, he would be encouraging you in positive ways and accepting of all your attributes. Don't Settle!

Juliejustsaying

um, no....no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO HELL NO!

You know yourself, your body and your relationship...but HOW can you be in a relationship with someone who doesn't desire you? really? I'm not trying to be mean, but he seems to be. That is a friendship, not a relationship. Desire and sex SHOULD be part of romantic love...at least as far as I'm concerned, believe me I've lived without it, and it brought nothing but heartache and live is FAR too short for this....you think you can deal with it now...but this should be the best time in your relationship..the beginning when all the love and desire is bursting at the seams...where is it going to go from here?

edit: oh and mark my words his controlling mean spirited side WILL emerge...it will.

VorJoshigan

As a man who is not attracted to women who are as wide or wider than myself, I'm seeing ALARM bells all over the place.

This relationship will not last, and you should end it ASAP. It doesn't mean he's a terrible person, it just means he's not the one for you & likewise.

hmadrone

I've been married for 21 years to a man who has seen me thin, fat and everywhere in between. He's seen me at my best and my worst but has never, ever said anything other than he thinks I'm beautiful. Has he ever thought it might be nice if I lost weight? Maybe, probably but he's never said so to me or anyone else that I know of.

I think that's really important in a life partner!

I've been married for 28 years to a man who has seen me through 12 pregnancies, a lot of health issues, and quite a bit of waxing and waning on the weight front. He has never been after me to lose weight, although he's physically fit himself and supportive of my efforts when I make them.

I once asked him why he never said anything to me when I was obese. He told me that he knew all the other things I was struggling with (small children, physical disability), and that he had confidence that I would get myself back in shape when I had the energy to do so.

When I started back again this time (technically 4 pounds overweight, and 20 pounds over my low water mark), I told him I felt really fat. He said that he hadn't noticed!

He loves me for me, not my body, although he enjoys my body in all of its phases.

Over time your body will change, as I'm sure you're aware. What i look like now will be different in several years (hopefully for the better!) so it's important that he love me for me, no matter what I look like. You say you are losing the weight for you and are comfortable that you can withstand the comments but even the biggest rock can be eroded over time. If you're already gaining weight because of the stress of the situation think how you will be effected long term, physically and mentally. You say you love yourself as you are, find someone else who does too. Unconditional love doesn't ask you to change to make them happy.

Yeah, this is really important! Being with someone who disrespects you will chip away at your self-respect and self-confidence over time. Find someone who builds you up instead of tearing you down.

If he's willing to go to counseling to work on this with you, that could have good results for both of you. If not, you might ask yourself what it is, exactly, that you're getting from the relationship. Is it a good relationship, or is it just an addiction? Do you love him or is he just playing on your insecurities to keep you off-balance and coming back for more?

lenniebus

I apologize if this has been said already--didn't read all the posts--but he does NOT love you if makes those comments/feels that way. I gained 40 lbs since I married my husband, and he has never said I'm anything but beautiful. I truly don't think he ever thought I was any less attractive either. He has also gone up and down in weight, and never once have I thought--wow, you are unattractive. I love him--all of him--whatever shape he takes on. He wants the best for me and I want the best for him, so we support each other--that is love.

I was married to someone who only "loved" me thin--and I was when I met him. Lots of rude comments as time went on...lots of looking at other women...and I wasn't even large--just not skinny. I'm guessing it was less about my weight than his character. He truly was that shallow but no one likes to admit it. He left when my son was 1 week old...get out while you can...it will only make you miserable.

infamousmk

And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.

What if your girlfriend/ wife said, "I wish I could love your tiny penis the way I love most of you. Everything about you is great but your penis really should be a lot bigger"

How would you feel

You really have a thing about small penises, don't you?

KombuchaCat

Obviously we don't know exactly what he's like other than this but this sounds like a deal breaker to me. It's one thing to want you to be healthy and happy with yourself but this is just putting you down. I woundn't take it! The first rule about being in a good relationship is you have to realize you can't change the other person, only they can change. Any relationship based on one person counting on the other person to change something is bound to fail. There's alot of other things I'd like to say about this guy that are not appropriate for me not having all the info so I'll leave it at that.

MountainMoverJosh

I apologize if this has been said already--didn't read all the posts--but he does NOT love you if makes those comments/feels that way. I gained 40 lbs since I married my husband, and he has never said I'm anything but beautiful. I truly don't think he ever thought I was any less attractive either. He has also gone up and down in weight, and never once have I thought--wow, you are unattractive. I love him--all of him--whatever shape he takes on. He wants the best for me and I want the best for him, so we support each other--that is love.

I was married to someone who only "loved" me thin--and I was when I met him. Lots of rude comments as time went on...lots of looking at other women...and I wasn't even large--just not skinny. I'm guessing it was less about my weight than his character. He truly was that shallow but no one likes to admit it. He left when my son was 1 week old...get out while you can...it will only make you miserable.

Yup....everyone has said it.

weird_me2

This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.

On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...

I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.

Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.

I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?

Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.

Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!

While you say that you are finally loving yourself, I think that you stil have a lot of work to do. If you really truly loved and accepted yourself as you are, you would be able to see through some of what he is saying and understand that he is manipulating you and treating you poorly.

1) He says that your weight is preventing him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. If he truly loved you and your weight was a concern to him, it wouldn't be "I could see myself spending my life with you IF ONLY...", it would be "I CAN see myself spending my life with you BUT I want us to both have long healthy lives together." The first comment is putting a condition on his love. You have to EARN it. The second comment is not putting a condition on his love, rather bringing to light a possible issue that could affect your lives together. The fact that you are fitter than him and that he isn't ready to quit smoking tells me he's not concerned about health but appearance.

2) The "I can't touch you, I wish I could love your body, I haven't had curvy women before" comments SHOULD NOT be acceptable or excuseable in your situation. It would be one thing if you had been skinnier when you met and gained weight and were having a discussion about why you guys weren't being as intimate as you used to be. I don't see a problem with honesty, but if he's using those excuses now and he entered into the relationship with you in the exact same shape, they aren't valid excuses. I have two thoughts on this. One is emotional abuse like other posters have said; he's using the comments to wear you down (and he is wearing you down because he is making you doubt yourself) and if this is the case, he will always find something to abuse you with emotionally. While emotional abuse is likely, it's also possible that you guys are mismatched in the libido department and he isn't able to perform or doesn't desire to as often as you would like so he uses this as an excuse. Either one will wear you down and erode what real self esteem you have.

Honestly, I think you need to re-read your post. You listed several specific comments and even said you could go on and on. How would you react if you heard these things being said to your mother? Your sister? Your best friend? I would hope that you would feel outrage for them and that you would feel the need to help them improve their situation. Sometimes it's really hard to see how bad something is for us but so easy to see it for those we love. Look at your situation like it's someone you love in your place instead of yourself.

Skratchie

I have to agree with the others - this isn't love. This is a man trying to make you into what he wants you to be.

FitbeTMF

You have a thing for following me around