Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • fieldsbean
    fieldsbean Posts: 35
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    My husband met me when I was 130 lbs..7 years and two kids later I am back on here at almost 180. He has never ever made me feel unattractive..I wont get naked in front of him because I HATE the way i look. ..but not him, he still wants to be intimate, he still says im beautiful. we both have gained weight and now do fast walk DVD's together, but this guy you love?
    Here's the thing;
    LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. yes, im quoting from the bible and that is that. If you lose weight, that is great..but you know what? You will resent every time he DOES touch you,..you will think..seriously? i had to change to make you touch me? You are beautiful and this guy might make a great friend..but this is not marriage material.
    Please look hard into your life and realize that no one should settle..it's probably pressure from cruel friends or family he has,..and who wants to be stuck with that????
    Maybe he is hung like a hermit crab and so he has to insult you too..lol
    MOVE ON.
  • emmabeckemeyer1
    emmabeckemeyer1 Posts: 298 Member
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    Just so you know you are beautiful and very attractive!!
    He sounds like an abusive *kitten*!! RUN as fast as you can away from him!
  • PeachyKeene
    PeachyKeene Posts: 1,645 Member
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    Get out of this relationship. I am gonna tell you now he is no good, unless you are willing to live with his shallow *kitten*. He says he is not that shallow, but YES, YES he is.
  • JessWolf1002
    JessWolf1002 Posts: 82 Member
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    I am really sorry this is happening to you. A man that you are going to spend the rest of your life with should love you whether you are a size 2 or a size 22! I have been between a size 6 and a size 14, and hugely pregnant, and my husband has never, not once, mentioned my weight or said anything negative about me or my body. Even when I say I'm fat and I hate myself, he hugs me and tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves my body and he wouldn't change anything about it. THAT is the kind of man you need. If you marry him, are you going to have children? Your body will change then, and it will take a quite a bit to get back to what it was pre pregnancy. Good luck to you, and I hope you and him have a serious conversation about this!
  • Fittreelol
    Fittreelol Posts: 2,535 Member
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    I haven't read all the posts, but I'm pretty sure it's 6 pages of DTMFA.

    So...DTMFA
  • AmberLee2012
    AmberLee2012 Posts: 540
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    If you try and meet his standards, you could end up with an eating disorder. It doesn't sound like he will ever be truely happy. What happens if you were to meet that weight? Would he have a problem with your hair next? Or your smile? I know I shouldn't be too judgy because I don't know either of you, but what he is doing is very hurtful and unhealthy. I gained a lot of weight after my husband and I met (from 130 to 199 - down 32 lbs now) and he never made any hurtful comments to me, just loving ones. He supported me when I wanted to lose weight but never tried to force me. I wouldn't put up with his comments and his comparing of his weight to yours. His negativity is having an opposite effect and you are gaining weight. I'm sorry, but I think if he can't change, he needs to go. If you got married and had children, how would you feel about him talking that way to your kids? Obviously we can't know if he would now, but people like that normally are like that for life. Good luck!
  • PeaceCorpsKat
    PeaceCorpsKat Posts: 335 Member
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    First - Picture of Semunc Champay is awesome! I have one of those too.

    Second - you aren't clinically obese so he is obviously not supportive. Dump him.
  • bigdaddyfluff
    bigdaddyfluff Posts: 10 Member
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    This isn't just one thing. It goes much deeper that just your weight on this one. I know that you say there is this great connection with him but I find that hard to believe. Physical attraction is huge in any relationship. By telling you what he is it's not just him saying something about you makes him uncomfortable. If he had an attraction issue with you then why would he want to start dating you in the first place? The short answer is yes, he is an *kitten*. And no, you aren't overreacting.

    I'm not going to say dump him like a lot of people on here are. But you need to look really deep into this. If he has an issue with attraction to you now, how do you expect to grow old with him? If he makes comments like he does what is he going to be thinking when things start to sag and your body may no longer be the fit body you will have when you finally get to your ideal weight?
  • Bobby__Clerici
    Bobby__Clerici Posts: 741 Member
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    I am probably going to be the only female to say this, but I would accept his honesty. It is better that he is honest rather than telling a lie to you! He may could have been more tactful with his approach, but still...he was honest with you. Now, it's up to you to determine what YOU want to do about your current situation.
    ^^^^^^^
    THIS
    The echo chamber is fast to advocate a break up.
  • angiesteele
    angiesteele Posts: 366 Member
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    He is so not worth it! You need soemone that loves you mind body and soul.
  • aryya
    aryya Posts: 33 Member
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    If someone actually LOVES you, they won't say hurtful things like 'i don't want to touch you' or 'i don't like your body'. There is nothing wrong with a nice push in a 'healthy direction' as in 'i'm worried about your health' etc imo.
    Your weight isn't the issue, he is the issue. I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with 'conditional love'
  • Ben2118
    Ben2118 Posts: 571 Member
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    50% Mind 50% Body

    So he is basically telling you he loves half of you??? From your profile pic I can see you aren't obese. I think you really need to think hard about your relationship, for me as a man, I would of ended a relationship if I felt that way before I even thought about saying that to any girl. IMHO it's hurtful and disrespectful.

    You need to find someone who loves 100% of you, like you love yourself!
  • teamrippedmember34
    teamrippedmember34 Posts: 6
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    As soon as you reach your goal weight Dump the *kitten*! Pardon my French.
  • squinz
    squinz Posts: 136
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    He might be perfect in every other way but if my OH said the things yours said to you, I just couldn't be with him. How hurtful and insensitive!

    I think love is about accepting someone, flaws and all. If I knew my OH didn't fancy me like that, it would affect me so badly :( Find someone who respects and deserves you.
  • Tdacks
    Tdacks Posts: 136 Member
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    So goes the saying... If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.

    Run far and fast from someone who would tell you he loves you out of one side of his mouth and then from the other side say he thinks your body is disgusting, ugly, unhealthy, or untouchable. That isn't love, that is control.
  • larosita57
    larosita57 Posts: 60 Member
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    Oh wow, this is really tough :( I've been with my partner for 11 years - we were still "young" (in our 30s) when we met and are now middle-aged - needless to say, we've both changed a lot physically. I recently lost a bunch of weight - but my sweetie still loved me as a chubbier girl. He's lost a LOT of hair - but I ain't leaving him for that! There are days when I don't feel so attracted to him, and I'm sure he feels the same about me, but that's life, we get over it. I hope your guy matures on this issue. If he can't accept you as you are, I'm not sure he's such a good candidate...you clearly are much more open-minded and patient that him.

    Best of luck - you deserve the best!
  • iamshells
    iamshells Posts: 46 Member
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    how can you truly love someone if you find them that unattractive? It can't last. Physical connections are very important, without them it would be like dating a BFF or sibling (two people I do love with my whole heart).

    Exactly
  • nornas42
    nornas42 Posts: 73 Member
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    It doesn't matter how nice and wonderful things are, if he can't love ALL of you and accept you whether you're 100 or 500 pounds, I would break it off.

    If he has difficulty touching you now, what happens when/if you gain weight from pregnancy, aging, an accident? Physical attraction shouldn't be limited to: You'd be the FULL PACKAGE but only IF you hit this # or look this way.

    It's been a few months and its like this - its only going to get worse. How long do you want to hear this? And who is to say that once you reach your goal weight that he'll be satisfied?

    Love me now as I am, or not at all. Do it for yourself.
  • ktaylor1188
    ktaylor1188 Posts: 141 Member
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    if he can say that your weight is the one thing that is keeping him from spending the rest of his life with you, then the fact that he thinks that, is the one reason you should not spend your life with him. this is my opinion of course...but i believe everyone deserves someone who loves them for them...
  • dlhill216
    dlhill216 Posts: 1 Member
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    My pet theory is that, not always but in general, we tend to choose a partner whose behavior is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. When I was younger there was a stretch of years I felt wretched about myself, and not surprisingly the guy I chose to spend those years with was intelligent, funny, and also breathtakingly cruel.

    You characterize this relationship as being wonderful except for this one thing and I won't argue that. I'm sure he's not all bad but then again, I'm not interested in him or whether he's a prince or a festering turd. The question you should be asking yourself is this: "I am in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to me. Why is this acceptable to me?"


    Agree!

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