Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
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Hey there -
I'm going to take a not-very-popular stance on here and try to defend your boyfriend. Not that I'm saying you should remain with him - I don't think that's a good idea unless you go to couples therapy.
Let's say that your relationship IS INDEED wonderful and he's great and he says he loves you - I'm not doubting any of this. I think he does - I think you caught him off guard and he didn't expect to like you so much, but the heart wants what the heart wants. However, from the things you describe, it sounds like you're better off as close friends. If you're not having sex and he's not doing romantic things, isn't this what you are a glorified version of? An "old married couple" is not always a compliment. Your personalities might fit well together, but it sounds like that's it.
He probably thinks he is being honest. He probably really does wish he could be attracted to you. But working out those issues with you is not the answer. You will only end up hurt and lost. You need a good therapist if he's serious about continuing this relationship. I, for one, don't think this is a good idea - too much work for such a young relationship. There should be sparks and fireworks and there's not. I think you will end up depressed when you realize you can't meet his ideals.0 -
stopped on 2nd paragraph
sounds like a prick0 -
If someone actually LOVES you, they won't say hurtful things like 'i don't want to touch you' or 'i don't like your body'. There is nothing wrong with a nice push in a 'healthy direction' as in 'i'm worried about your health' etc imo.
Your weight isn't the issue, he is the issue. I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with 'conditional love'
^^^^what she said! and he's an *kitten*!0 -
I agree. He shouldn't have started a serious relationship with the OP if he knew that her weight is preventing him from making a life with her. There are so much more gratifying things in a relationship besides the human body. Yes, I agree that attraction plays a role, usually in the beginning, but a true, honest, and caring relationship grows beyond physical. Sounds like he can't get past physical.He shouldn't have to give up his ideals in the same way she shouldn't have to mold herself into what his ideal weight would be. She deserves to be with someone who loves her for her, loves her body thick and thin and not saying they can't touch you because they don't like your body.
My god, what an awfully hurtful thing to hear.
Do you want to marry a man that has told you he can't touch you because he doesn't like your body?0 -
I'm sure you've gotten a lot of great advice and this matter has probably been resolved, but I have to add my two cents which are:
Fruck him and that high horse he rode in on. Twice, in the *kitten*, and make sure to use something rusty. Nobody says *kitten* like that to someone they love. Period.
P.S. I outweigh you by a fair amount, and there have always been plenty of wonderful men in my world to love my body.0 -
Truthfully.. the way I see it. If you love somebody, truly you are attracted to them. Because you love them. You love their hearts, bodies, and minds.Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.
But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?
I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.
Being totally honest my fiance is not in shape, I'm very fit.
I'm excited whenever he talks about working out, because I want him to be healthy. But on an looks level, I think he's a gorgeous man.
If you can't love somebody for who they are, don't date them.
^^^^^ Couldn't agree more. Well said.0 -
I haven't read past the first page of comments, but I have to echo the sentiment that this has red flags all over it... you are BEAUTIFUL. He met you in the middle of this weight loss journey. It's not as if he's been with you for years at your healthiest and has had a hard time adjusting to a weight gain for you. If he *already* is this disenchanted with your body, I can't see that getting better years down the road, even if you did become quite thin. Saying things like he doesn't like to *touch* you? That's not just a body-preference thing. It's something deeper.
Please don't sell yourself short or set yourself up for a lifetime of being self-conscious. We get enough of that already.0 -
We can all scream at you (via keyboard) to LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM NOW...but in the end, you will need to learn your lesson on your own.
My ex was the exact same way - "You would be SO much prettier if you just lost 10 pounds..." "You don't look like a woman"..."I can't spend the rest of my life with you if you're going to look like this"...the list went on and on. The WORST part was I believed every word & started to really, REALLY hate myself, and I am really only 10-15 pounds overweight. Soo...one night I tried to "save us" by putting on some lingeree and trying to make him find me attractive again. He rolled over and went to sleep...so I left.
I was with him for 3 and a half years, and even to this day I have insecurity issues, and it's been over a year since I left him.
You are doing PERMANENT damage to your self esteem by staying with this dude - little comments that may not hurt you now are going to HAUNT you later. I used to think I was a good looking lady - now, not so much...thanks to stupid.0 -
I'm sure you've gotten a lot of great advice and this matter has probably been resolved, but I have to add my two cents which are:
Fruck him and that high horse he rode in on. Twice, in the *kitten*, and make sure to use something rusty. Nobody says *kitten* like that to someone they love. Period.
P.S. I outweigh you by a fair amount, and there have always been plenty of wonderful men in my world to love my body.
And YOU, my friend, made me just about spit out my water! LOL. "use something rusty...." You're a hoot!0 -
i'm going to say something a bit different than most of the people here.
i dont understand why people are shocked that the OP's bf has a preference in body types he's physically attracted to? i dont necessarily think that's a bad thing either. sexual attraction is VERY important in a relationship and i don't know how you ladies are doing it, but i can't eff a brain or a personality :laugh:
Right, but if you're finding someone unattractive you don't start dating them.
EXACTLY.. my thoughts exactly. He should not have entered into the relationship and then they even took it to the next level. Shouldn't he have said, you know what I prefer a diff body type, bye.
AGREED! There is no problem with having a certain body type that you are attracted to...but if you already know that then DONT START DATING THEM!0 -
OP, this guy has no clue what he wants. He says one thing and then takes it back the next time the subject comes up. One of my best friends dated a guy like this a few years back and tried putting up with his BS but finally realized she was worth so much more. I don't know you but I'm sure you too are worth much more. In my mind, he's coming off like he's putting you down and in a relationship, that borders on emotional abuse. I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it's true.
You may have the best self esteem in the world but this still obviously bothers you and I hope this doesn't happen but the more you hear these degrading comments, the more you're going to start believing them. You should be with someone who loves you no matter what and wants to touch you and be with you no matter what. Like others have asked - what happens when you get old and gray? If this guy can't see forever in you now under any condition, he's not worth spending any more time with IMHO.0 -
Verbal and mental abuse, plain and simple.
I've been there. Get out while you can it will only get worse.0 -
with that said, OP your choices are either to tell him that he's free to walk to someone he might be more physically attracted to or tell him to deal with it while you lose the weight.
DISAGREE OMG DISAGREE!!!
First of all... you CANNOT base the FUTURE of your RELATIONSHIP on the possibility that you will lose whatever weight bothers him so much. He needs to be prepared to either "deal with it" FOREVER, or leave. There is no guarentee that you will lose the weight.. there is no guarentee that you won't put it back on if you do ... how AWFUL would it feel to know that if you gained a bit of weight it might be the end of your relationship? :noway: Oh hell no.
That said, and different stroke for different folks, but I could not, could NOT be in a relationship where I KNEW that the other party was not attracted to me sexually. I believe that a heathy, funfilled, adventurous sex life is a MAJOR component to a happy relationship, and it is so hard to let go, give in fully to the sex if there are insecurities like that lingering about ... and imagine from his perspective ... imagine trying to give in fully to sex when y ou're not attracted to the other person?
Relationships are multifaceted. I've had relationships with plenty of sexual attraction and little emotional or intellectual, and i've had relationships with plenty of emotional or intellectual and little sexual. None of them worked. It's about balance and loving the whole person. This isn't a booty call. If he TRUELY loved you... he would love that body you're in too, simply because it's you.0 -
You asked if he was being an *kitten* and the answer is YES! YES! YES! He is being the largest, hugest, most gigantic *kitten*!
I'm hoping that you have noticed all the support you have recieved from the MFP community and continue to do work on your health for you! You deserve it! I am absolutely shocked and appalled by his comments! And he's a smoker? Geez... talk about unhealthy! I'm personally turned off by smokers and certainly wouldn't want to kiss an ashtray!
Anyway, stay strong and know that you are beautiful and way way way better than that *kitten*!0 -
Do you want kids? Will he say he wants kids but then not want to try because he's afraid you'll get "fat" after you have the kid or something? Anyone who can't love you for who you are does not truly love you. He sounds controlling and if this relationship continues to get serious, it will only get WORSE! I know from experience.
I have dated many types of men, shapes and sizes, and when I was truly in love, my "ideal" look was however they looked. Everyone likes to lose a few pounds, but if he can't love you for who you are now, it's not the type of love you need. Sounds like you'll never live up to his expectations. He probably wants to be serious and loves your personality, but a long-term relationship can't happen if there isn't chemistry on all levels. No one wants to be in a relationship that hinges on how much you weigh. I want to veg out and eat a box of cookies just thinking about your situation.
That's just my opinion. Good luck in whatever decision you make.0 -
I'm sure you've gotten a lot of great advice and this matter has probably been resolved, but I have to add my two cents which are:
Fruck him and that high horse he rode in on. Twice, in the *kitten*, and make sure to use something rusty. Nobody says *kitten* like that to someone they love. Period.
P.S. I outweigh you by a fair amount, and there have always been plenty of wonderful men in my world to love my body.
^^^^Great response!!!0 -
The way he speaks to you should be a deal breaker for you not him.. I could never imagine my husband speaking to me like that. I've had two children. gained 50lbs each time. Took two years to get back to my normal weight and have had other unpleasant side affects due to child birth and breastfeeding. I would have never gotten through those things had my husband not been my rock through all the bad times. I have always had bad self-esteem, but he has ALWAYS been the one person in my life to bring me up. No matter what. That is a form of abuse and I would never put up with it.0
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He is verbally abusing you. Nobody deserves that. If he is saying that, "he can't touch you because of your body....etc", where do you think he is going to get some? If he wants to motivate you on losing weight, there are other ways to do it than talking you down. Think of your future, are you planning to have kids with him? Cause our body changes, if he cant accept you right now and how do you expect him to go through the roller costet body change during pregnancy.
You deserve someone who loves you the way you are.
I agree... And in the future, if it's not your weight, it WILL be something else. Words like that chip away at our self-esteem and next thing you know, you feel like there's no one who will love and appreciate you so you end up staying in the relationship.
Many abusers start off as "wonderful". I would ask him point blank "Are you TRYING to damage my self-esteem?" just to see what he says.
The "tit-for-tat" side of me would walk around him wheezing and huffing and puffing, just to be mean. Maybe then he'd know how it felt.
Anyway, good luck.
) 0 -
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Straight from the Bible!0 -
If he cant love you for you and has issues with your body he isnt worth keeping around!!! Move on and find someone who will appreciate you and love you for who you are. I personally think the things he has said to you are cruel and falls under verbal abuse. I wouldnt tolerate it and allow anyone to say those things to me nor should you. When you truly love someone their weight should not be an issue. Good luck!!0
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