Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • jennylee133
    jennylee133 Posts: 26 Member
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    (Quote from an earlier post. Don't know how I messed it up, lol)\
    If that's the case then he should have found someone who was already his type. You don't go into a relationship expecting someone to change to suit you.



    Exactly! There's nothing wrong with having a type or wanting to be attracted to the person. But why get in a relationship with someone who you don't find attractive then expect them to change. That is what I do not understand. I've never dated a guy who I felt was unattractive because of being overweight then tell him he doesn't meet my standards and should lose weight. It just makes no sense.
    All of this. It's perfectly acceptable to have standards, but to force them upon someone who doesn't fit is wrong. He needs to stop being so selfish.

    This.
    You are beautiful...remember you are doing this for you and you deserve someone who believes that too.
  • FitbeTMF
    FitbeTMF Posts: 251
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    And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.

    What if your girlfriend/ wife said, "I wish I could love your tiny penis the way I love most of you. Everything about you is great but your penis really should be a lot bigger"

    How would you feel
  • drea85an
    drea85an Posts: 130
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    That is not a man. That is a controlling *kitten* who likes having control ofpver you and feeling superior. Trust me, there are plenty of men (fit or overweight, or anything in-between) who will want you and love you for you. He is not with for the right reasons. I am sorry, but that is a man who likes putting you down and knows he is hurting you. It has very little to do with your weight.
  • TheCaren
    TheCaren Posts: 894 Member
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    How much does he weigh? Because that's how much weight you need to lose. He's a giant douche.

    What's going to happen if you lose all the weight so he can be attracted to you, then have a couple kids and put it back on? Not that you will, but what happens if you do?

    Do you want to be with someone who can only be attracted if you change your total appearance? And I hesitate to think what his comments will be when you've lost your total weight and your body isn't all tight and adorable like he's hoping? Because lets face it, our skin is only so elastic and its not all going back to where we started .

    It's going to hurt like heck to say goodbye now. But not like it will when you have a couple kids by him and realize he doesn't love who you are. A very wise person once asked me, "Are you in love with __________, or are you in love with his potential?". I suspect he's more in love with your potential than you and you need to find someone who loves you now.
  • Sapporo
    Sapporo Posts: 693 Member
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    He doesn't deserve you. Dump the loser. Really, why would he take the relationship so far without physical attraction from the beginning? it isn't worth it, you can find someone who truly loves you.
  • Today414
    Today414 Posts: 118
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    And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.

    What if your girlfriend/ wife said, "I wish I could love your tiny penis the way I love most of you. Everything about you is great but your penis really should be a lot bigger"

    How would you feel
    ^^^^^
  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
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    And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
    Um, okay, so aren't you the guy who's been sitting here saying that because "men" are so "visually stimulated" that they absolutely MUST pick a woman that they are physically attracted to?? why would you ENCOURAGE her to stay in a relationship where the guy is clearly NOT physcially attracted to her.. Its like... the opposite of what you're saying... unless of course you mean to say that she needs to get skinny and maintain that for the rest of her life because that's what this guy wants??

    Slightly confused.

    I never encouraged her to stay in the relationship. Truth is, I couldn't care less what she does. But I cannot propose theories for what she could do if she dumps him. I am just trying to provide an alternate solution is all.
  • xxvogue
    xxvogue Posts: 172 Member
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    And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.

    All of your theories are terrible. You're just as bad as the OP's boyfriend after 8 darn pages.
    Don't get in a relationship with someone you could not find attractive sexually. NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS.

    You may think they've got the golden personality, but if you feel the need to tell them that they need to lose weight to feel attracted to them, then YOU made the mistake of getting involved in this relationship.

    Preferences are one thing, but if you can't find them attractive REGARDLESS of what you "prefer" you're in the wrong relationship. For example, my type is dark hair, blue eyes, tall. My last two boyfriends were south asian, and not tall or blue eyed. I still felt attraction to them regardless that they weren't my "type." My type is David Gandy (Ladies: Look him up, do yourself a favor), but I might feel an attraction to a Russel Peters regardless.

    This guy is a jerk, and Mountainmover is sure acting like one too. He knew what you looked like when you two got together, and he's being abusive about it. Even if he did hope you'd lose weight this is the WORST way to go about it. No. just no.
  • hottiebikerchick
    hottiebikerchick Posts: 187 Member
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    He's an *kitten*.
    I second that!]
  • _chiaroscuro
    _chiaroscuro Posts: 1,340 Member
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    There are many pages of "dump him", which may very well be a good idea.

    But these pages are still all about HIM. Like I said before, he doesn't matter. If you just run from him without examining why you drew someone into your love life who isn't physically attracted to you, you'll just find another version of the same ill-suited partner.
  • laughingdani
    laughingdani Posts: 2,275 Member
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    Just commenting to say....

    I took a look at your pics and your profile. You are frickin adorable, sexy and look like a blast to hang out with.
    I bet you're funny too. Have the confidence to do what's right for you.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    I didn't read any of the responses in this thread, but you need to run from this guy as fast as you can. I know that is easier said than done, but he is telling you as clearly as he possibly can that his feelings for you are conditional. What would happen if you married the guy, had his child, and struggled to get the pregnancy weight off? And if, by some miracle, your relationship managed to survive to old age, what then? When you're old and wrinkled and nothing on your body is where it used to be, is he going to leave you to die alone?

    There is a world of difference between encouraging someone to develop healthier lifestyle habits and bullying them. He is bullying you. You deserve better.

    And this is most definitely not about bashing men for being honest. It's about bashing jerks for the horrible things they say to people they claim to love. Male, female, doesn't matter. People who care about your physical, mental, and emotional well-being don't speak to you that way.
  • TinGirl314
    TinGirl314 Posts: 430 Member
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    My 'one', 'soulmate', 'partner'...whatever will be someone who loves me at 300 pounds or 160. (Not that I'm ever going to let myself get there again, but I'm trying to make a point.)

    Ask him how he is going to deal with this 'lack of attraction' when you both are a bag of wrinkles. ;)
    As for this dude:
    "And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun. "

    I am looking at the big picture. The big picture is, if my lover is going to sit there and tell me I'm unattractive, why would I stay with him? o_o She asking for help because it seems to have been multiple times that he's expressed this. She is also losing weight currently, so he knew that she was heavier than what he's picturing in his head.

    He is not being mature about the situation... he's not trying to work on it. He's just saying 'I can't spend the rest of my life with you until you loose weight. That's wrong...he either wants her in his life or doesn't. These ultimatums and blow to her self-confidence (Though the OP seems very strong mentally) are not needed. She is a beautiful, strong woman. :)
  • letobot
    letobot Posts: 205
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    Love is love. It's unconditional....one can't just cherry pick the parts. On to the next one.
  • hockeymom95
    hockeymom95 Posts: 157 Member
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    I guess I am not sure why you are asking? Maybe that's an indication you already know the answer but you don't to admit it. It is not love if he says he can not stand you body or your "curvy" figure. Sometimes love makes us think we should compromised. No one should. The best love is that you can give your self. It sounds like you both like the idea of being together but can not take each other for who they are right now.
  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
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    And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.

    What if your girlfriend/ wife said, "I wish I could love your tiny penis the way I love most of you. Everything about you is great but your penis really should be a lot bigger"

    How would you feel
    ^^^^^

    I agree. my penis should definitely be a lot bigger.
  • I_see_skinny_Me
    I_see_skinny_Me Posts: 37
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    Run, don't walk, away. If he truly loves you, he will run towards you. Your weight should not matter at all. If he is this negative now, what about when you are older, have kids, have stretch marks, have scars, have cancer.... there will always be an excuse. You deserve better. Your spirits are not kindred. Run... NOW
  • riley711
    riley711 Posts: 298 Member
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    This is really easy to answer...this is not the right relationship for you. His comments about your weight are put downs, no matter how he tries to dress them up. Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to? The fact that you've put on 8 lbs is another clear indicator that this is not right for you. You should want to be with someone who lifts you up, not puts you down. You shouldn't be with someone who wants to change you, nor should you be with someone you hope will change later. His smoking will eventually get to you as well. When he comes to hug you after smoking a cigarette and you push him away saying ewww, you stink. Having experience with these issues, I can tell you that this is a toxic relationship that could severely damage both of you. Do both of you a favor and end this, or agree to just be friends so that your weight won't be the central issue/excuse for why he won't do certain things. He will constantly be like "I would do this, but your weight...; I would try that with you but you're too heavy; I would take you this place or that, but your weight ....; I can't marry you until you lose XX lbs, and if you gain them back, I'm leaving you."
  • drea85an
    drea85an Posts: 130
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    OP....

    Maybe you could approach it this way:

    Bargain with him. If you guys have a real comfortable relationship, ask him if he will try to quit smoking. I quit in October, and it is the best thing I ever did. 3 months later, I never have a craving. I quit for me, and this is how it is done. But try something: ask him to find his reasons for not wanting to smoke. If he can find reasons for himself, ask him to quit smoking while you are on your weight loss journey. You can be loving and supportive towards his breaking the habit (remember, for him), and he can be supportive- not narcissistic- about you losing the weight you want to lose. It will help both of you gain healthier lives, and you will also grow astronomically closer as a couple. Guaranteed. Give that a shot, but be serious about it, not passive. If you just bring it up while having dinner, he will not take it seriously.


    I agree here and in fact we had that discsussion a week ago today. After we went hiking and he was huffing and puffing and I was running all over the place I suggested that while I continue to get FITTER (I am no slouch), he quits smoking so that we can continue our outdoor walks and hikes with more ease. Also, the money saved from cigarettes he can put towards something he really wants... he agreed that this is a challenge for him but not yet ready to get it going. My guy has said he is in the best place in his life physically and emotionally, he has a massive sense of self and confidence and when we met he was like this. I guess the reality is he will one day he will meet someone with the body he craves and he will decide what he wants. He's a good guy as you implied, thanks again for your perspectives, hard to read but good to know....

    He is not a good guy, and a man with massive amounts ofmconfidence and self esteem does not put someone down for their looks. He is not looking for you to be healthy, all his comments are selfish and condescending to you. That is abuse, and you should be with someone whocrespects you. You are notmwith that person right now. Yu will makemyour own decision, it is tour life, but remember this in 5 years when it escalates.
  • jrhodo
    jrhodo Posts: 43 Member
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    He is not being honest with himself. I think he is having trouble with his sexuality and using you.

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