Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • Juliejustsaying
    Juliejustsaying Posts: 2,332 Member
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    I'm sure there's a million men out there who would love you as you are, without having to change a hair.

    ^^^^^^ this oh this oh this!!!

    this gives me the heebie jeebies.
  • bookwormer28
    bookwormer28 Posts: 16 Member
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    Sweetie, your relationship dilemma is not a weight problem, it's a man problem:smile: Abuse comes in many forms, verbal abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse. Your partner is supposed to enhance your life, not tear you down. It's one thing to loving point out a flaw, but I don't see much love in the statements you say he makes about your weight. We as humans like what we like, and your boyfriend likes a certain body type. He may care for you, but the problem is over time, his idea of the idea body type is going to affect your relationship. I don't care how self confident you are, if you continue to hear negativity about your body, IT IS GOING TO AFFECT YOU, especially if he is saying it is hard for him to be attracted to you physically. You need to ask yourself if this is a relationship you want to invest a significant amount of time in. TIME is something that you can't get back. What is it about this individual that would make you want to stay. Unfortunately, over time we women, have a harder time losing weight than men. If you invest a significant amount of time with this person and don't develop the body type he like it will only get worse for you. Why do that to yourself. There is someone out there that will love you inside and out.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
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    I'm not going to read the pages and pages that I'm sure are dedicated to calling him names.

    I say this and I mean it, if it's not this it will be something else. Right now he's focused on his dissatisfaction with your weight, if you got your body down to what he may deem acceptable what would it be next "you know, I prefer long legs, I found this surgery where while you wouldn't be able to walk for 2 years they can put bone extenders in to give you an extra 1/2 inch and I think you should try it." We meet people and fall in love and we feel special, but we have to love us for ourselves. I can understand if he met you when you were a certain look and you completely changed into another look by gaining or losing a great amount of weight, after all we are all generally attracted to a certain look, but he met you how you look now. He's putting you in an impossible and unfair situation and you are the only one who knows if it's worth it.

    To add, if you would like to manage your weight for yourself you can do it. Eat at a deficit, exercise, and be reasonable and fair to yourself.
  • PhearlessPhreaks
    PhearlessPhreaks Posts: 890 Member
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    At 9 pages, I did not read all the responses. I'm sure there's plenty of "dump him" type comments, just as there are probably plent of "talk to him" suggestions.

    My take is this: while physical attraction is not the be-all and end all, it is important. Likewise with love. True love, not just the infatuation of being "in love", is deeper than ideals and preferences. Love is true when it overlooks flaws, faults and the like. While no one is perfect, we should not settle; there is much to be said for friendship within romance, but the best relationships are a beautiful combination of both those elements, as well as attraction.

    I truly hope you find someone who is attracted to your mind, your heart, your personality AND your body. It's what every woman deserves.
  • olores
    olores Posts: 257 Member
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    Loose him...dead weight! You deserve someone to lift you up not bring you down! YOU are better than that!
  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
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    At 9 pages, I did not read all the responses. I'm sure there's plenty of "dump him" type comments, just as there are probably plent of "talk to him" suggestions.

    Nope...just me, pretty much, saying talk to him...
  • bgelliott
    bgelliott Posts: 610 Member
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    Ok, so here is how I see it. If he is not happy with your weight now, he never will be and while you have a great connection in every other aspect, this being a deal breaker for him will always haunt the relationship. I do not believe he is an *kitten* as some have said. He is upfront and honest and that's not the same as being an *kitten*. Everyone has a vision of what they find attractive and if you do not fit that vision, you cannot call him an *kitten* for that.

    In my opinion, you either lose weight to make him happy (which is a lousy reason if you ask me), you lose weight for yourself and not worry about what he thinks, you deal with the current situation the way it is or you end the relationship. Simple as that!

    Ultimately, you cannot blame someone for how they feel or what they find attractive. There is no right or wrong, it's all personal feelings.

    I wish you the best of luck with the situation. (I'd personally end the relationship!)
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
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    1. This is not abuse, he's just being a tool. Let's save "abuse" for people who really are abused.
    2. Why would you want to marry someone like this? Sounds more like a booty-call than love.
  • olores
    olores Posts: 257 Member
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    At 9 pages, I did not read all the responses. I'm sure there's plenty of "dump him" type comments, just as there are probably plent of "talk to him" suggestions.

    My take is this: while physical attraction is not the be-all and end all, it is important. Likewise with love. True love, not just the infatuation of being "in love", is deeper than ideals and preferences. Love is true when it overlooks flaws, faults and the like. While no one is perfect, we should not settle; there is much to be said for friendship within romance, but the best relationships are a beautiful combination of both those elements, as well as attraction.

    I truly hope you find someone who is attracted to your mind, your heart, your personality AND your body. It's what every woman deserves.


    NO ONE COULD HAVE SAID IT BETTER!!!!! FOOD FOR SERIOUS THOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • BSchoberg
    BSchoberg Posts: 712 Member
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    Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

    But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?


    I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

    Sexual attraction IS part of the deal --- so the question really for me is - why did he chose the OP? She didn't tie him down (or maybe she did... :wink: ) and FORCE him into a relationship with her. Why did he start - and then tell her she's not physically acceptable?

    OP - for your own future, you really need to examine his or your motivation. This is just not a way to start a relationship --- and we all know: he's on his best behavior now! It's unlikely to improve. Your life, your choice - but I'd be headed in the other direction after wishing him all the luck in the world.
  • corrinnebrown
    corrinnebrown Posts: 345 Member
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    I'm just going to be blunt. He's a douche. He should love you for all of you. You've been that size since you started dating so he should get over it. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT lose any weight for him. YOU LOSE IT FOR YOU!!!!!!
  • kitty_764
    kitty_764 Posts: 64
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    I didn't read anyone elses responses, but that seems VERY harsh to tell that to someone you're supposed to "love".

    It's clear he doesn't like your body, I would bet that once the "honeymoon" period is over, he will be too.
  • Mimisam45
    Mimisam45 Posts: 132 Member
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    Now it is your weight that he can find fault with, what will the future hold??? It is a control thing and it will never end in some form. He will always find "something" not perfect enough about you.:angry:

    Keep loving yourself, doing what you need to take care of yourself and find someone who loves ALLLL of you!
  • althom2
    althom2 Posts: 18 Member
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    My jaw dropped as I was reading this. My only advice is......

    RUN!!!!

    ......away from him as fast as you possibly can!

    Good luck!
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
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    Sexual attraction IS part of the deal --- so the question really for me is - why did he chose the OP? She didn't tie him down (or maybe she did... :wink: ) and FORCE him into a relationship with her. Why did he start - and then tell her she's not physically acceptable?

    OP - for your own future, you really need to examine his or your motivation. This is just not a way to start a relationship --- and we all know: he's on his best behavior now! It's unlikely to improve. Your life, your choice - but I'd be headed in the other direction after wishing him all the luck in the world.

    Winner winner chicken dinner
  • Tishy78
    Tishy78 Posts: 108 Member
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    Wow, that's terrible. I once asked an ex if he would love still love me if I got fat. He asked "how fat". Yeah, he was serious. And so was I when I asked it. I had suspicions on the answer. Obviously that one didn't last.

    Anyway, I commend you for not letting his words get to you. I am surely not so strong. However, I do not think you deserve this sort of treatment. There are men out there who will love you for who you are, regardless of what size that is. If he is comfortable saying this level of mean comment to you now, I can only imagine how bad it will get if you actually married him.
  • Kenzietea2
    Kenzietea2 Posts: 1,132 Member
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    Yeah, he needs to date someone else and so do you. You deserve someone who loves you the way you are now, and your weight now, and wants you to be healthy. Not someone who tells you how hard it is to touch you. Gahh I can't even imagine. If some man ever said that to me he wouldn't be allowed to touch me, EVER. I can completely understand if he met you when you were a lot smaller, and you gained a bunch of weight- but he met you the way you are now. I think you should be the healthiest you possible, and that means mentally as well- which is impossible with someone who is constantly saying awful things about the way you look.
  • MyM0wM0w
    MyM0wM0w Posts: 2,008 Member
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    NO way. He loves you as you and is attracted to you or he's not.

    What happens after you lose weight. When you start to get wrinkles is going to STOP being attracted to you? After you have babies and your boobs aren't quite as perky is he going to not be attracted to anymore.

    I agree with Mimisam that he will always find some reason to tell you why you aren't good enough.
  • LMT2012
    LMT2012 Posts: 697 Member
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    He may be experiencing the deepest love possible... for him. But, in my opinion, you should keep looking until you find a man who finds you beautiful with any size butt, and bad morning breath. They exist. It's chemistry. This guy should be relegated to the friend zone.
  • Amazonbella
    Amazonbella Posts: 338
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    This is HIS issue HE is using to CONTROL you...LEAVE.

    Because real honest to God unconditional LOVE does not put boundaries or limitations on who the other person "should be". If he were to get sick and gain a ton of weight, or be in an accident and lose a limb would you then suddenly stop loving him, would you leave him, what if it happened to you would he just up and leave you?

    Find your own happiness, by not wasting time on someone who doesn't want to committ and focus on finding someone who loves the you, you love!

    Best of luck.

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