Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
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Cmon yall, lets close this post out!!! 500, lets do it!0
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ShazM -
I had a friend in a similar situation- a male friend. He was overweight and his girlfriend was really fit. She really liked him for who he was and because he also wanted to get healthier (on his own) she would invite him to jog with her- but she didn't complain or tell him she found him unattractive. She just supported him because she loved him for who he was. I think what your guy is doing is completely different-- He loves the rest of you, but hasn't accepted you as you are- which means you are not perfect in his eyes. Now, we know that no one is perfect- but don't you love an accept someone with all their faults? And in doing that- you don't remind them how some of these traits turn you off.
In addition to that, if you spend the rest of your life with this person- you will always be wondering "what happens if I slip"? You will have that pressure of "will i be loved if I gain a few extra lbs?" And, as we all get older- things change and some of that is directly related to our weight and where it gets added to on our bodies is not always something we control but genetics. Plus, gravity takes over, too.
I believe you can find someone better than this person. Someone that will love you without an "if only you lost weight" following the statement. You deserve more than an "if only".0 -
OMG I couldn't even get past the second paragraph! ONTO THE NEXT ONE!! If he doesn't love ALL of you, he's not worth it!! And the fact that he would say such awful things proves that he clearly doesn't care about your feelings either! If he finds it hard to touch you, you better let him know you will go find someone that can't keep his hands off of you!
Never settle! You're worth WAY more than you think!
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angelams- that's the truth...what would happen if she actually wanted to have his baby??? If she's still with him, she should sit with him and watch Shallow Hal...and leave him during the movie.0
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angelams- that's the truth...what would happen if she actually wanted to have his baby??? If she's still with him, she should sit with him and watch Shallow Hal...and leave him during the movie.
Hahahahaha Leave his skinny *kitten* right there by himself...If he finds it hard to touch her he can just touch himself instead!
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Shazm - In response to this posting you posted on 1/11/2013.
I don't know how to do that fancy copy and paste someone else's post etc..but - what I wanted to say is that in the posting you posted...you say that he says the following"My guy has said he is in the best place in his life physically and emotionally, he has a massive sense of self and confidence and when we met he was like this." - He is basically saying that he is happy with himself and you met him this way- so why should he change...but then he is telling you to change cuz he doesn't like this or that about you...He met you the way you are- and should love you as you are.0 -
You defintely need to lose some weight........ about 180lbs called your "boyfriend".
what a *kitten*........dump himxxxxx0 -
He sounds like a jerk to me, sorry but its true. He is the type of person who will never be happy with your body and prob has unrealistic expectations! When I met my husband I had lost 80 before I met him. We dated got married and after my 2 kids and my dad passing I have gained WAY too much I have struggled in the past 8 years we have been together with my weight and he has never once cared. He loves me and still always touching me and says how pretty I am and stuff. I dont see what he sees seeing as I am super heavy now but he loves me anyhow and tells me if I wanna lose fine but he loves me no matter what. My husband is 27 and mostly bald and I still love him I dont care. It sounds like too much pressure on you and and in the long run will most likely end the relationship. Just my opinion and I wish you luck!0
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OMG I couldn't even get past the second paragraph! ONTO THE NEXT ONE!! If he doesn't love ALL of you, he's not worth it!! And the fact that he would say such awful things proves that he clearly doesn't care about your feelings either! If he finds it hard to touch you, you better let him know you will go find someone that can't keep his hands off of you!
Never settle! You're worth WAY more than you think!
This!!! You deserve better! There is someone out there for you, who will love you for who you are, and support your weight loss goals because they're important to youl0 -
I have put on a lot of weight since I met my partner 4 years ago and could understand if he found that unattractive, but he loves me for me and that includes how much I weigh. He knows I struggle with my weight but he doesn't judge me for it.0
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I met a guy in October and swore he was THE ONE however he couldn't stop saying things about my weight like "I want you to get skinny so I can take you swing dancing" " I want you to be for like me" " I don't normally date big girls but I love you" " if you were smaller I would be more turned on by you ". Ya screw that!!! Get out . I however was able to lose 10 pounds while being with him ....0
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There is nothing OK or wonderful about what your boyfriend is saying to you. NOTHING!!! Thankfully you said you are strong enough to not allow his words to break you... BUT the fact that you are posting seeking advice, says that its bothering you... and soon enough, if you continue to hear these things, you will start to belive the him. I would not encourage you to leave him or stay with him because thats entirely your call. However, I will say this.... reevaluate your relationship with this man. Love is nuturing and responsible and passionate and even critical at times. LOVE is not suppose to ever be callous or degrading, which is what seems to be happening with you. I think you should work on your healthy, and weight because YOU want to do so, not to hold on to this "wonderful" man. Remain strong and focused on yourself. YOu are the most important factor in the relationship at this point.0
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I hate to say it, but mountain mover is right. The fact is, too many people have a relationship just for the sake of being in one. If he is not attracted to you move on.
He is an *kitten* for staying with you though and treating you that way. Real piece of work.
I am sorry. Some people just suck. = (0 -
I'm sorry but if someone loves you they need to love ALL of you, warts and all. You aren't always going to be perfectly formed; people get old and wrinkly, they get fat, they have bad hair days, they lose their hair, they may get hurt and get scars but that is not who they are, that's what they look like and it's entirely superficial.
My husband loves that I am getting fit and meeting my goals, but he loved me just as much when I was at my heaviest. When I say "look how hot I am now!" he replies "meh, you were always beautiful". If this guy is loving you with qualifications then he isn't loving you as you deserve.0 -
Large numbers of red flags are popping up in my head about this guy. That kind of language, to me, is abusive and controlling. I . can't . even . . .
If he is going to say things like that NOW then it will become more emotionally abusive LATER. the end.0 -
I believe it's time for you to fly pretty lady.0 -
The question you should be asking yourself is this: "I am in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to me. Why is this acceptable to me?"
Great advice from this lady in general but this is the question you should be asking yourself.
IMO (and it's worth **** - same as everyone else's) its a control thing. He is putting you down and chipping away at how you feel about yourself. People who love you don't do that. Good luck, you know the right thing to do.0 -
I had to stop reading after the second paragraph. Dump him. You don't want to be with someone who makes comments like that. That is so not motivating and only serves to tear you down. Good luck.0
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The wise see danger and take action. The foolish keep going and suffer for it. fYI: danger! Run0
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I think you should tell him. I hope one day, I will love your little penis as much as I love you. He should be supportive that you are being healthy and trying to get fit. Eat healthy, exercise hard and dump that jerk.0
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I am so sorry to hear your going through that, that's kind of like bullying but someone you love is doing it which must be really hurting you.
Personally, I wouldn't take your relationship further, you can't have a future with someone that tears you down and makes you feel worthless and ugly.
He's obviously a very judgmental person who does not care about your feelings.
I hope you make the right decision x0 -
This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.
On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...
I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.
Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.
I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?
Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.
Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!0 -
Just had a look at your profile and there's nothing wrong with your body...
tell him if he cant love you for you, he shouldn't love you at all.0 -
I don't have time to read the whole thread, so if this is resolved or if what I say has been said or whatever I apologize.
Emotional abuse is a real thing. The fact that he's said these things more than once and has the attitude that he "can't help it" is a huge red flag for grooming.
All relationships go through periods of sexual latency... but it has more to do with the individual than the other person. Carefully consider what these comments and this mindset indicate about the core character of this man. Divorce is expensive emotionally and economically. He hasn't broken your spirit... YET. But if he did, it would take a very long time to recover from that.0 -
Given the things you say he's said to you, I don't see how this could be a wonderful relationship. Your life partner needs to accept you for you and as some people have pointed out, it's one thing if you'd been together for years and you'd gained weight and your life partner said "this is worrying me because of your health, let's work out and get healthier together", but this man met you at this weight and he is saying horrible, hurtful things. I rarely say this, but seriously, ditch him. If you don't, you're setting yourself up for a world of heartache.0
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get out! it's a trap!!0
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If he can't accept your weight now, he doesn't deserve you at all.0
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I am glad that you are able to love yourself despite some of the comments your boyfriend has made. I do believe however, that this is an unbelievable amount of pressure. Do you want to be with someone knowing that if you never lost another pound, he would never find you truly attractive? If you were to put on weight because of an illness or even pregnancy wouldn't you always be worried that your partner is not happy with your weight and is physically turned off? Personally, I would not be able to deal with this. It almost seems a bit manipulative for him to say the things he has been saying to you secretly hoping it will drive you to lose weight. At the end of the day, and especially since you guys have been talking about a future together, you must love each other for who you are inside. Realistically, the outside will change for the better ....and sometimes for the worst. But if you are as intensely in love as you say, than your "curviness" should not deter him from truly and completely loving you.0
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also, i think you've titled this post incorrectly. 'relationship dilemma all due to my partner being an arsehat' would be far more appropriate.
it's not your fault that he's not happy with your body, it's his.0
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