Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

juicygurl1

you asked for our opinions so here it goes...i'd dump him. great he's honest about his feelings but boo on all the Criticism. I understand if u both are keeping yourselves in check, but from what you stated I didn't read that. It's great to love your self, but not OK when your put down for gaining weight. if you ever had babies with him, your pregnancy would be a nightmare from stress on baby weight gain.....buyer be ware!!!!

erinxo13

Completely rude, disrespectful and unacceptable. You love yourself and if you want to lose weight for YOU, go for it...but do NOT do it for him. He should NOT be making comments like that to you and it is not something that is going to stop. I would say move on and find someone that loves and respects you and doesn't make rude comments. Completely unacceptable, there are millions of other men around the world and I'm sure there are tons that will love you for you...he's a jerk.

MochaMixAZ

I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?

This is a touchy question.

I don't challenge his statement that he can't help it if your body is unattractive to him. That's fine... we all like what we like. It's hard wiring and not easily changed.

So the question becomes do you want a relationship where physical attraction isn't there? That wouldn't work for me - I want 100%.

I don't beat up on him for his thoughts or his feelings. He's entitled. You're also entitled, however, to a man that loves, adores, and cares for you. For ALL of you.

Maybe 80% is enough for you. Can you see yourself settling for the good things and overlooking how he makes you feel and what he says about your body? If the answer is yes, then ignore all the advice and stay the course. If the answer is no... get... out.... NOW.

sally_jeffswife

First of all you Look "Beautiful" so I don't know where he's coming from with the words he has told you. In my opinion what he said was very rude. And I would think of it this way.....If you have to be someone or something else for him to love you he doesn't love you.He loves someone or something else. He should love and accept you the way you are and always be someone to be encouraging. If you do lose weight it should be for "you" and your own personal health and happiness not for someone else. I think there are much kinder people out there that would be more supportive and encouraging and treat you better. You look great and please don't think any different. If you need a friend to help be supportive please add me. I am kinda new to this whole diet thing and could use support too. Am working on losing weight myself cuz the medications I had been on caused alot of weight gain for me and just wanna get bk down to the weight I was before being on those meds. If it were me I would find someone more supportive of you and when you start looking mega hot just let him regret all the stupid things he was feeding your mind. And know that you have someone supportive who loves you the way you are.

CorvusCorax77

Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

I think i just barfed in my mouth.

CorvusCorax77

DTMFA

fit4lifeUcan2

My husband and I have been married 20 years and he has never said anything so hurtful to me as that. I think I would have left him if he did. I've gained and lost many times over the years due to babies, illness and what not but to say something like that is just unforgivable. Believe me I know it stays with you for the rest of your life. I know a women who's husband told her he was not attracted to her and made comments about her body. Said she looked like a boy. She still to this day talks about it even though her husband has passed away. If he really loves you he wouldn't say those terrible things to you.

I think had he said it during an argument that he was losing then you could say he just said it because he was mad he couldn't win the argument and wanted a way to hurt you but thats not the case.

Many times when people post about problems in their relationships people jump in and say dump him etc. I typically don't say anything like that but in this case I have to say you need to move on. Sounds like he is thinking in his narrow minded head that he has settled. His ego is telling him that he could do better. YOU can do better. YOU deserve better! Think of yourself for a change and find someone else that makes you happy and complements you. Not this jerk who tries to break you down.

lomins

He doesn't deserve you!!!

ShawnNhGa1977

Ew dump him.

i agree with her this was totally wrong with what he said to her

fit4lifeUcan2

There is nothing on earth worse or more lonely than being in bed every night with someone who is not physically attracted to you. Singleness is much better.

THIS!!
I always tell my teenage kids as well as my friends that its better to be alone and lonely than be with someone who doesn't love you for all of you and being miserable.

RilantheFirebug

He said his marrying you is conditional on your weight. Not ok. I think its time to move on and from your tone in your OP, I think you do too.

Stripeness

Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

Having read your first response, too, I *think* I see where you're coming from. And two of my friends married - his preference was wired towards flat-chested blondes, and she was a stacked brunette. So, sure you can "see if you can get past it." and in this case, everything clicked (10+ years, now!)!

Here's the difference between my happily married buddies and this situation - my friend isn't and hasn't ever said things to his wife about her boob size or hair color. Not suggesting she get a reduction, or even wear bras that de-emphasize. Also, even when she started coloring her hair to cover gray, he didn't push her to go blond. For him, the hair/boob prefs are just that - prefs, not requirements.

If the OP's guy was a good guy & originally wanted to see if thinness is pref or req, that's okay. But now that he's realized curves are a dealbreaker for him, he needs to admit it and let them both move on. What's hateful is suggesting she ought to change. That's not supportive or encouraging, no matter how he packages it, because there is an underlying condition: be a specific shape or I won't love you.

For your consideration, say you find your ideal woman, and she is also ideally shaped (in your opinion). Are you then going to ditch her in 20-30 years because of age-driven changes? What about if she got breast cancer & needed a mastectomy?

What if you meet a woman who's ideal except for the boobs? You gonna ask her to get surgery?

(I'm not suggesting there's a right answer for you, just advocating further thought & kind, thoughtful implementation with others)

ItsCasey

Sexual attraction IS part of the deal --- so the question really for me is - why did he chose the OP? She didn't tie him down (or maybe she did... ) and FORCE him into a relationship with her. Why did he start - and then tell her she's not physically acceptable?

Exactly. Of course sexual attraction is key, but why would any man get romantically involved with a woman in the first place if there was no sexual attraction? Do not pretend like that is a common thing because it usually exactly the opposite ... you think someone is hot, you date them, you find out their personality sucks, and then you leave.

akaMrsmojo

First - Man I appreciate my husband more.

Second - In my college philosophy class it talked about love and how when you are in love you see pass the imperfect things about your partner. My husband has a birthmark on his neck, when I first met him I always noticed it. As I fell in love with him, it seemed to disappear. I can say now, I have not seen it in years. Because love, true love is so much more than the physical. Attraction is superficial, love is not.

I know you love him but I would ask yourself if he loves you the way you truly deserve. AND you deserve it.

Today414

First - Man I appreciate my husband more.

Second - In my college philosophy class it talked about love and how when you are in love you see pass the imperfect things about your partner. My husband has a birthmark on his neck, when I first met him I always noticed it. As I fell in love with him, it seemed to disappear. I can say now, I have not seen it in years. Because love, true love is so much more than the physical. Attraction is superficial, love is not.

I know you love him but I would ask yourself if he loves you the way you truly deserve. AND you deserve it.

This, this and this again.

mockchoc

You need to just be friends with him. He'll end up cheating on you especailly if you get pregnant or leaving you. You are gorgeous but he can't help how he feels. Tons of guys would want you so get one that wants you in every way.

KWake1

Imagine your future with this guy. You have children. A beautiful daughter! She's smart, funny, kind, everything. And he says to her "You know, I'd like to take you to Disneyland, but you're too fat. I don't want to be seen in public with such a fat daughter." or "You're getting kind of chunky, why don't you join track instead of band." It's great that her Mom is full of confidence, but hearing your father say that is hurtful beyond anything.

Do you really want a future with him? Do you want your future children to grow up in that environment?

RobinvdM

LoL - have more self respect.. If he loves you, then he loves you. All of you. From the bony butt to the jiggling upper arms. This guy sounds like a real tool. Im too much of a snarker to let someone talk to me like that. "I love you, but..."

tell him how his words are making you feel. HONESTLY

If he concedes great, but it sounds like hes not going to relent.

Id ditch him after being horribly mean to him. But then Im snarky.

christywolfe

You're going to have to follow your heart on this one. You love him and he loves 80% of you. That's not a winner to me. How would he feel if you started pointing out his shortcomings? What if that was the deal breaker for you? If you love someone, you love ALL of them. Everyone deserves someone that makes them feel like they're the only person in the world and nothing else matters.

MrsSassyPants

No. Just no. The dilemma isn't your weight, it's his mindset and his alone. I'm glad to hear that you're secure and confident as you are because you are already and were so even at your highest weight, deserving of someone who can love and accept you in whatever situation you may find yourself. It's one thing to wish for a healthy life for someone you care for but to place conditions on whether love is given based on weight and looks alone, is a recipe for failure sooner or later. We each obviously have an "ideal" person who we would wish to find but perfection doesn't exist and even if it does for a moment in time, it'll likely not stay true over the long haul. We change, we grow and life throws things at us that can take away that "perfection" at any given moment. Only you can decide what you are and aren't willing to accept but I'd encourage you to think carely before investing too much time and energy trying to meet another's expectations. I wish you the best.

This. I couldn't have said it better. And if you love yourself and are so confident why are you with someone who obviously has conditional "love" issues? Perhaps he see's you as a downgraded reflection upon himself. Where is his confidence level?