Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
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Brace yourself, be strong and leave him. Short term pain now and move on strong otherwise this relationship will be a long, slow, insidious destruction to your soul. You will not find a man who loves you for you while you are still with him. Please do not settle for this.0
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I would drop him. Experience the real deal with someone that loves you for you and the excess baggage! You will thank the lucky stars when u do! Then u can get married and continue on with your life. Go you!0
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DUMP HIM!!!! There is someone out there for you who will love you for you! You are worth waiting for that person to come along!!0
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Wow that is so wrong on so many levels. I had a boyfriend like that and I lost the weight and left him. I found someone that loves me regardless of how much weight I have gained. If you stay with this guy you never know when he will ditch you and find someone that meets his expectation of what he likes. This sounds like torture to me. I know I felt pretty ****ty when my ex would tell me that. That is why he is my ex.0
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No, you need to step back from the relationship.
I would go as far to say this is abusive behavior. No person or man is allowed to speak to you this way. Leave the relationship i know it is hard, I have been in an abusive relationship myself it is so much better on the other side. Walk away.0 -
I'm so sorry that you have had to field these comments from someone you are intimate with. When I first met my ex-boyfriend, I was overweight and he was still attracted to me. As I was losing weight, on the days I would feel "fat and gross and ugly," he was CONSTANTLY reminding me that I am beautiful no matter what. I really credit him for helping me develop the positive body image that I have today. That being said, I hope that you find someone who loves you regardless of what you look like and someone who never says those mean things. Just remember: You are beautiful no matter what.0
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if he acts that way with you now, he'll only act that way with other things in the future. get rid of him!0
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First, this is his issue - not yours. Second, if some one were that mean to me and still said they loved me...I'd call them a liar. My best advice - run, do not walk, out of the "relationship". No one who truly loves you would ever say those words. You deserve so much more!!!0
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My gut instinct is to tell you to run, don't walk, away from this relationship before it gets any further. If he can't accept you for who you are right now then he's never going to and I don't see it working out.
I tell EVERYONE that I met and married the man of my dreams when I weighed over 280 pounds. He loves me for ME, not the size of my stomach or thighs or butt. There are plenty of men who aren't so shallow and can look beyond the physical body. What would happen if you became disabled? Had a medical condition that made you look less than perfect?
If you're planning on staying with him you need to have a serious talk about how his comments make you feel. And spend some time thinking if you think you deserve better than that.0 -
He's being an absolute a** about the situation! And, it sounds like you know that. I know it's hard because you love him, but if he was truly not a shallow a** and really cared about your feelings, he wouldn't say things that are so hurtful. You are beautiful and you deserve to be with someone who knows it. Don't waste time or energy on him. That is abuse! You deserve better!0
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I've been all sizes in my life time, and never once has my husband of 41 years talked to me the way your man talks to you, your man has a problem. it seems that he thinks pressuring you is acceptable behaviour. I would be very careful about a lifetime commitment with someone who puts the pressure he has put one you. The important thing is that you love yourself, you sound like a stable mature woman who had learned that inner beauty is as important as the physical.0
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I went through a relationship like this a few years ago, eventually I realized that it just wasn't worth it and if he can't love and appreciate all of me, then it's just not meant to be. If you want to lose weight do it for YOU, and not because he wants you to. In fact I think that after(if not before) you lose the weight you dump him and find someone better! lol0
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He's an *kitten*.
^This!!!
I was MUCH smaller when my husband met me. I was MUCH smaller when we got married and if he ever told me that he was no longer attracted to me because I got fat I would tell him to hit the effing road. No matter how much he loves "me", if he can't love my big butt too then he can get on down the road.0 -
I'm sorry I only got to the 2nd sentence of your 2nd paragraph, and I already dislike him, how dare he treat you like that, I wouldn't normally say this but eff him off, he should love all of you, not make you feel crappy about your weight, ooh I'm sorry but I have a strong dislike for him and don't even know the guy.0
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Wow. Like many others have already posted, I am so happy that you have the self confidence to not let his words bring your spirit down. I dated a guy like him for several years when I was younger and while I started the relationship a young, vivacious, spirited woman with an amazing sense of self confidence, I ended the relationship with essentially NO self esteem to speak of. If what he says and thinks bothers you now, it will only get worse.
The man I married is not the man I dated several years ago. I have gained over 50 pounds since meeting my husband. I also just had a baby and gained MASSIVE weight during my pregnancy, mostly due to water retention because I had a bad case of preeclampsia. I was in the hospital for a month before I had our daughter and I KNOW I looked a hot mess most days during the end of my pregnancy LOL. I also ended up with some pretty nasty stretch marks despite slathering myself in gallons of lotion and other anti-stretchmark like things on a regular basis
And ya know what, although I'm SURE my hubby would like to see me 50 or 60 pounds lighter (and clearly I'm working on it or I wouldn't be on MFP), he has NEVER EVER said a word, or hinted that he is embarrassed or disgusted by my weight gain or stretch marks. Even though I was back to my spirited, high self-esteemed self when we got married... my pregnancy was VERY tough and was an emotional roller coaster. I can't imagine having to go through a situation like that with someone who was less than supportive. He told me I was beautiful every day. He was amazing. And I still have to fight him off of me some days (if ya know what I mean LOL). I'm not stupid, and I saw the pictures of me right after I had our daughter... I was a swollen mess. But he never acted like I was anything other than his gorgeous queen.
When you're talking about someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you deserve someone who is going to love you and SUPPORT you, NO MATTER WHAT. You have no idea what life is going to bring. You need someone who is going to be there and isn't going to pepper your life with negative thoughts... because no matter how strong you are, if you are beat over the head with enough negative thoughts, it will bring you down.0 -
When my parents were teenagers and talking about getting married, my paternal grandmother tried to "reason" with my dad by saying (about my mom) "You know she's going to be fat, right?" His reply was "I don't care about that."
He and my mom love to tell that story. Because, as he says, after 43 years of marriage he really doesn't care about it. She's been all over the range of weights and so has he. He also suffered a massive stroke that left him temporarily paralyzed. And she's been pregnant four times. And they're both old now with wrinkles and gray hair. And, of course, they've both seen each other at their absolute worst and best. And they still love each other. Because if you LOVE someone, their body becomes a secondary concern.
You're going to see your significant other in all kinds of unattractive states throughout the course of a relationship. And everyone gets old, of course. Looks cannot be the end all and be all if you want it to last. I think far too many people conflate love with lust.
I might also add that if he talks to you this way, he may someday talk to any kids you have that way. Just a thought.0 -
Wow. How unloving, devaluing and disrespectful of him. Big red flags here. One might even see it as moving toward controlling. Others here are right when they say that it's not you or your weight that is the problem, it's him. He will be like this about other things. It's not okay to tear you down. Walk away. Someone else who deserves you will come along and he will love you for who you are. If this one is being like this now, then you'll never be able to be 100% confident in him in the future. His attitude and his willingness to be this way speaks volumes about him, not you. Run in the other direction and don't waste another precious minute or another bit of emotional energy there.0
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I was in a relationship like this also. We were really happy but he would practically force me to jog with him (which was mortifying because at the time I was so outof shape I could barley get to the end of the block), he would always comment about cellulite and ask me how I got it and stupid crap. Eventually my self esteem got so low that we werent having any fun anymore. I didn't feel comfortable around him, I hid what I was eating from him, I woudlnt get undressed around him, didnt want to go hang out in public because i was so embarrassed. Then I realized I was gaining weight from all of this and it made me even more unhappy. I couldnt do it anymore. I left. I then felt this huge weight off of me. I started running on my own. Eating healthy. Went vegetarian....I felt way better about myself. Those scars never left (nor have the scars I created myself) but my self image has totally increased. That was 6 years ago and I am 20 lbs more that I was (but way healthier I think). Now I am married to the man of my dreams (who is in better shape than my ex and dead sexy) and my husband has never said anything negative about my weight. He is attracted to me and loves me for who I am...so now I am doing this for myself! It feels great. My husband is really supportive and is doing it with me but he let me take the lead on my body and has never forced me. With all of that said, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!! To be honest even if he changes what he says, I dont know if I could forget that he said those things. I would leave him and focus on my own happiness. Someone better will come. Somone will LOVE you for who you are.
Um, and he is totally dumb because you are gorgeous. You really are. Drop him and paint the town girly!0 -
I didn't read all 18 pages of this, so I apologize if this has been said before.
Time to move on. This is who he is, and it's not going to change. You already said your weight has gone up in response to his criticism, and it's only going to get worse.
If you decide to stay, I recommend badgering him about smoking every time he brings up you weight. "You know, honey, I can't help it. Your breath and clothes stink so badlybfrom smo,ing. You really need to quit." I bet a taste of his own medicine slows the comments a bit.0 -
My guy is honest that he prefers smaller women in general and he wants me to lose weight in time for ME. For my own health. He also tells me constantly that I'm gorgeous, I'm beautiful, I'm his goddess, and the light in his life. He also says HE wants to lose weight, that he wants us to be healthy together. He never, ever says he's not attracted to me in any way. He never acts unattracted to me in any way. I could not stay with this man. You're beautiful and you're confident. This guy needs to go, no matter how great you two interact. Maybe you're meant more to be friends who hang and have fun than lovers if he can't find himself physically attracted to you. You deserve someone who thinks you're as gorgeous as you truly are.0
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Men in general are more blunt and to the point in saying what they want. I would not assume that these comments are intended to hurt, demeaning, negative, etc. If he truly did not like you, he would not tell you his real feelings towards you and give you a chance to change (sounds bad). But like it or not, relationships are about compromise. BOTH parties must change a little. I suggest looking at his comments from a positive standpoint- he cares about your health. Get a little pissed off at his comments and use that energy to get focused on your diet. Your entire life will be better when you are in shape. Would you rather have a man that lies to you and tells you all good comments all of the time??? That is way worse. With truths, you can adapt. I have been with a lier/deceiver and I would much rather have the blunt truth.
Did you miss the part where she is only 15lb overweight and is physically fit, wheras he is a skinny unfit smoker who might think about quitting when the time is right. This aint about concern for her health!
Imagine if it was about money. I met a man that I got along with really well, but he had a job that didn't pay so well. It was a worthwhile vocation and he worked hard, but I always imagined my husband would earn as much money as me. Knowing that, I continue to date him allowing us to fall in love. However then I start making comments, that he should train up in something else, that I would be so much happier if he just earnt a little more money, that I have always preffered a successful man etc. I can't imagine anyone would say I was "just being honest" and that he should really just get his act together and get a better job....0 -
but what is your BF also wasnt happy with his financial situation?Men in general are more blunt and to the point in saying what they want. I would not assume that these comments are intended to hurt, demeaning, negative, etc. If he truly did not like you, he would not tell you his real feelings towards you and give you a chance to change (sounds bad). But like it or not, relationships are about compromise. BOTH parties must change a little. I suggest looking at his comments from a positive standpoint- he cares about your health. Get a little pissed off at his comments and use that energy to get focused on your diet. Your entire life will be better when you are in shape. Would you rather have a man that lies to you and tells you all good comments all of the time??? That is way worse. With truths, you can adapt. I have been with a lier/deceiver and I would much rather have the blunt truth.
Did you miss the part where she is only 15lb overweight and is physically fit, wheras he is a skinny unfit smoker who might think about quitting when the time is right. This aint about concern for her health!
Imagine if it was about money. I met a man that I got along with really well, but he had a job that didn't pay so well. It was a worthwhile vocation and he worked hard, but I always imagined my husband would earn as much money as me. Knowing that, I continue to date him allowing us to fall in love. However then I start making comments, that he should train up in something else, that I would be so much happier if he just earnt a little more money, that I have always preffered a successful man etc. I can't imagine anyone would say I was "just being honest" and that he should really just get his act together and get a better job....
that would be a more appropriate analogy since the OP stated that he herself isn't 100% happy with how she looks.0 -
but what is your BF also wasnt happy with his financial situation?Men in general are more blunt and to the point in saying what they want. I would not assume that these comments are intended to hurt, demeaning, negative, etc. If he truly did not like you, he would not tell you his real feelings towards you and give you a chance to change (sounds bad). But like it or not, relationships are about compromise. BOTH parties must change a little. I suggest looking at his comments from a positive standpoint- he cares about your health. Get a little pissed off at his comments and use that energy to get focused on your diet. Your entire life will be better when you are in shape. Would you rather have a man that lies to you and tells you all good comments all of the time??? That is way worse. With truths, you can adapt. I have been with a lier/deceiver and I would much rather have the blunt truth.
Did you miss the part where she is only 15lb overweight and is physically fit, wheras he is a skinny unfit smoker who might think about quitting when the time is right. This aint about concern for her health!
Imagine if it was about money. I met a man that I got along with really well, but he had a job that didn't pay so well. It was a worthwhile vocation and he worked hard, but I always imagined my husband would earn as much money as me. Knowing that, I continue to date him allowing us to fall in love. However then I start making comments, that he should train up in something else, that I would be so much happier if he just earnt a little more money, that I have always preffered a successful man etc. I can't imagine anyone would say I was "just being honest" and that he should really just get his act together and get a better job....
that would be a more appropriate analogy since the OP stated that he herself isn't 100% happy with how she looks.
Sure fine, but I don't think it makes that big of a difference. The problem is making (whether deliberatly or not) the success of their relationship conditional on something that may or may not happen in the future. It's one thing to support someone in what they want to achieve, entirely another to hang your attraction on it... I just don't think that is productive for either party. Let's assume he is a nice guy, who loves her in every way, but isn't attracted to her. How is that good for him? Staying in a relationship in the hopes that something might change (whatever it is) rarely works.
Now the reason I doubt the above is actually true of this guy is simply the fact that she has already lost considerable weight, she is already making changes... so what is the point of the hurtful comments? If he really loved her and it were only about his physical preferences, would he not just shutup and be patient? As it is, it appears that his comments are counterproductive, his comments have coincided with her gaining weight. So if nothing else he's totally unhelpful.0 -
Dump him! You're a wonderful, gorgeous person who deserves someone whose not going to demean you and make horrid comments about your weight. How dare he! I can't believe he would tell you he's not attracted to you physically. That man is NOT in love with you. True love means he would love you - not matter what weight - no what what problems come along. What's he going to do when you get older - complain that you need plastic surgery for a wrinkle or two AFTER you lose the weight. What's next on the agenda? Will he comment on your clothing? When do the criticisms stop?
You deserve so much better! I would start anew and find yourself someone who will love you for you. This guy does not sound like Prince Charming - in fact, he sorta reminds me of that short prince from Shrek. I know if I dated someone and they started doing that to me weekly they'd themselves escorted to the door. I wouldn't put up with those types of comments - that's just downright mean and wrong.
Monica0 -
Don't torture yourself and stay with a guy like that, please.0
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Hey there. Congrats on wanting to change and your new relationship. Your boyfriend should not be getting on your case about your weight, if he has an unhealthy habit of smoking. The fact that you guys hike and workout together should be enough. This may sound vague but its true a guy that really likes/loves you will find you attractive regardless fat or skinny. Since you struggled with self perception most of your life he should be trying to uplift you and make you love your self instead of the other way around. I think its funny that you said you were in better shape than him. You should kick his *kitten* in whatever physical sport/ activity to teach him a lesson lol. No man should call a woman fat period.0
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What if you lose the weight and are his ideal size but your body is still not attractive to him? We all have different bone structure, skin and body types. What if he isn't attracted to you even at a low weight?
I don't think it is wise or healthy to begin a relationship in this manner. I would personally call it quits because it would be too stressful to live up to someone's expectations for that long.0 -
He is an *kitten* run!0
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I think I would suggest that you ask yourself why this is acceptable to you. You are complete package, and if he's busy pointing out the things he thinks are unaccepatble, there is probably someone else out there ready to tell you all the things that he finds wonderful about you. Even though you say everything else is wonderful, this is obviously bothering you enough to get external feedback.
Think about this...when we hear something often enough, we tend to start believing it. Don't settle. There will be someone out there who loves you as a complete and total package. Just they way you deserve!
I wish you all the best!0 -
He's being an absolute *kitten* about it. He either loves all of you or none of you. Kick him to the curb before he destroys your self esteem - eventually he will have you believing you are unworthy because you are heavier. He's being manipulative and cruel. No one deserves that. If it weren't this, it would be something else. He likes his women to feel inferior - and this could be just the tip of the iceberg...... What happens if you stay together, get married and then you get pregnant? Can't stay skinny when you're pregnant..... what's he going to say and do then? Nope, RUN, sister, run far and run fast......0
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