Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
Replies
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Tell him he's too SMALL and see what happens.
You're better off without.0 -
He has a a point... He's only being honest as he can't help it!! I'm the same way about men... I've never been attracted to even a little bit of chubb! Although when doing this, you're right you shoud do it for you!! However if he degrades you on purpose for your weight maybe it's time to move on.... You should tell him to get fit and quit smoking!! Sounds like double standards0
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I rarely comment on these types of things since so many other people can more eloquently say what I want to. I wanted to comment on this one though because I've seen the ugly end results of guys like this in my own family. My sister married a guy who was never happy with her weight and she spent YEARS trying to meet his standards. After all that time he ended up leaving her for a woman who was "his ideal weight". She is now bitter and resentful and has zero self esteem and not the sparkling, vivacious woman she once was.
I've been married for 21 years to a man who has seen me thin, fat and everywhere in between. He's seen me at my best and my worst but has never, ever said anything other than he thinks I'm beautiful. Has he ever thought it might be nice if I lost weight? Maybe, probably but he's never said so to me or anyone else that I know of.
Over time your body will change, as I'm sure you're aware. What i look like now will be different in several years (hopefully for the
better!) so it's important that he love me for me, no matter what I look like. You say you are losing the weight for you and are
comfortable that you can withstand the comments but even the biggest rock can be eroded over time. If you're already gaining
weight because of the stress of the situation think how you will be effected long term, physically and mentally. You say you love
yourself as you are, find someone else who does too. Unconditional love doesn't ask you to change to make them happy.
^^^^this...your 8lb gain is indicative of your future with this guy. No so much weight gain but the angst. If you stay with him you will wake up one morning in the future and think WTH have I done? The fact that you are asking about this means you already know that this is enormously problematic regardless of what other areas of your relationship are like. This guy is setting you up for a life of being controlled by starting on an area he already knows is your weakness. He probably doesnt care what your body looks like but YOU do and he knows it. He's not awkwardly saying what he says...he's slicing and dicing at your psyche already and then further disarming you with charm in other areas so that you are imbalanced, off kilter and confused while he further worms his way in. He has one hand slapping and the other smoothing. When you are further into the relationship he will start to dissect your family and friends, then your job and finances and eventually you will lack confidence cos he will control everything simply by subtley pointing out how inadequate you are. I say RUN. You are in love with the idea of a relationship but don't choose him. He is what you DON'T want. Learn from it and move on.0 -
This was so sad to read. No one should ever make their partner feel that way, if he chose you- he chose all of you!
My partner, who I love dearly was heavier than anyone I'd ever dated before...he was 21 stone before I met him, less than that when we met but still heavier than I thought I'd be attracted to. But when we met, he was so fabulous, funny and handsome - I did not care whether he had extra to grab onto...I wanted him, all of him!
Now he's lost all his extra weight, and I've gained it haha.
When you chose someone to love, weight should not come into it. Like my partner does with me when I'm upset about my weight gain, your partner should encourage you to lose so YOU feel good about YOU...NOT so he feels good!!
By the sounds of it, over weight you need to lose your partner. He sounds very selfish indeed and is doing nothing for your self esteem.
Good luck xxx0 -
He loves you? The weight is the dealbreaker? Are you really stong enough mentally to not let that bother you? Please, he needs to "Poof, be gone" lol. The weight is going to be the topic of your conversations. Work on yourself first, he will only slow you down. You love yourself more and make your weight loss about what you want and not what others wants. If he has complaints now about the weight, what makes you think it is going to get better. The weight issue will only stress you out. Please dont conform to what a man wants, what do you want? Its okay to be by yourself until the right one comes along to love All of you and not just parts. I'm sure he has faults and flaws you have overlook. Bottom line: what do you want and learn to really love yourself0
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Agreed!! Run, run, run away from him. Ask your skinny smokerHe's an *kitten*.
to put down the cigarettes and work on his problem. See how he
takes your criticism of his filthy habit. It might be you need to ask
him to gain weight, you've never been with someone as thin as he
is. See what happens. Good luck.0 -
Men in general are more blunt and to the point in saying what they want. I would not assume that these comments are intended to hurt, demeaning, negative, etc. If he truly did not like you, he would not tell you his real feelings towards you and give you a chance to change (sounds bad). But like it or not, relationships are about compromise. BOTH parties must change a little. I suggest looking at his comments from a positive standpoint- he cares about your health. Get a little pissed off at his comments and use that energy to get focused on your diet. Your entire life will be better when you are in shape. Would you rather have a man that lies to you and tells you all good comments all of the time??? That is way worse. With truths, you can adapt. I have been with a lier/deceiver and I would much rather have the blunt truth.This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.
On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...
I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.
Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.
I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?
Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.
Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!0 -
First let me say that he doesn't know what a beautiful and wonderful person he is about to lose based on his Shallow Hal concept. Listen babe, I have been there. I didn't know that my ex-husband was going to do that to me until I went through something very traumatic that caused my body weight to change...he became so disgusted with me and I could not fathom it. My ex began to say things like I will buy you a whole new wardrobe if you would drop the weight...or he would even tell me on some day when it didn't seem my weight was moving off of me fast enough..."You disgust me." He was thinking about becoming a boxer and told me that he wanted a wife that he could sport on his arm as he went into the ring. Because I didn't know my self worth or my value I let that stuff get inside and it tore me up...all in the name of love??? Yeah well we ended up divorcing as a result of his meanness...I have been better off sense.
Never allow anyone to dictate the direction of your life through their dislike of something about you! DON'T DO IT!!!!
KEEP LOVING YOURSELF AND BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE YOU INSPITE OF YOUR BODY CONCEPT. REMEMBER THE SONG BY BILLY JOEL...I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!! APPLY THAT AND LOVE YOURSELF AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!0 -
To the few responses on here saying "he's just being honest".... I say this. Honestly is not a free pass to hurt other's or tear them down. If he had the integrity to go with that so called 'honesty' ...he'd end his declarations with "sorry hun, but I don't see us moving forward and you deserve someone that can accept you". Sticking around and continuing a relationship with someone that YOU KNOW you can't love completely is just.... SELFISH!
I dated a guy once that I met online, long distance. I did everything I could to know exactly who I was dealing with(chat, skype, photos, etc) I adored him until the moment he stepped off a plane to greet me in person for the first time.
He smiled at me and my heart broke. I'd seen better grills on a homeless person!! Seriously, it was beyond horrible. Broken, black rotten teeth, missing teeth. I was astounded at how someone 32 could get that bad. With his mouth closed, he was a beautiful man. He was a beautiful soul, and I still think about him warmly, but guess what? ...... I didn't stay in a relationship with him and tell him to fix that crap so I could get over myself!
If I had been with him a while and something happened to him, that is different. You don't go into a new relationship trying to force your ideals on another.0 -
I had a boyfriend like that...once. He said the same words as yours. I was with him for 5 years then wised up. I went in that relationship at 223. Ieft at 250. DUMP HIM. You want someone who's going to love you...NO MATTER WHAT! This relationship is already doomed. You're gaining weight because of the emotions he's putting you though. Tell him you are leaving him. Then WORK ON YOU...FOR YOU. Once you are where YOU want to be....then contact him and see if you both feel the same way about each other.
I'll tell you this. Once you're at your goal weight...you're going to have your pick of men. Trust me.0 -
What a douche.
Find someone who loves you for you - all of you.0 -
I would punch him in the eyeballs and reply "DOES THAT LOOK BETTER FOR YOU?!"
Then leave.
You shouldn't put up with such a *kitten*.0 -
I was married to a man that was the same way. I was in perfect shape,exercised all the time and was a size 6. I was so stressed and upset all the time. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I stopped talking to people because my ex made me feel like I was not worth talking to. It was a very sad time in my life and I thank god I have moved on. I left him a long time ago and decided to raise my son alone. When I look back at this relationship I wonder why I was attracted to him. I also wonder why I stayed so long in that horrible relationship. I have had a few other relationships in my life that were less than perfect. Since that time,no one has never or will ever put me down for who I am or what I look like.
I am sorry to say this and I don't mean to hurt you or stress you out more with these words.You should be loved for who you are inside and out. He should be supporting you at this time and proud of your desire to get in shape. Achieve your goals here on MFP for yourself and forget about his hurtful words. Find a man that is worth loving..0 -
BUMP.0
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Hehe. I see not much has changed after a night out drinking. What is up, fellow MFPers!?
OP...did you get what you were looking for? Is there anything else we need to comment on? You've read one, you've just about read them all.
BTW....I went out with a bigger chick last night and had an awesome time. She left the bar early, though, and by chance, I got the number of this amazing gal that I talked with til the bar closed. Nursing a hangover right now.....ouch.0 -
I would get rid of him as fast as I could. If he truly loved you, he would love everything about you, weight and all.0
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I've only read a few post and will openly disagree with some of them. Him not liking your body is him saying he doesn't like you. the physical attraction is one of those things that brings people together. Him continually talking poorly about your body should be unacceptable for you. You shouldn't feel any pressure to change you to make him happy. personally I don't care if he got you that way or didn't, it sounds like he is trying to change you into what his vision for you is and that isn't good for you.
What should be most important is how you feel about you. If he cannot accept how you are maybe he should move on. Just my opinion.0 -
I'll tell you this. Once you're at your goal weight...you're going to have your pick of men. Trust me.
I agree with this, except for one aspect. I'd amend to say "I'll tell you think. You HAVE your pick of men as you are. Trust me."0 -
He's an *kitten*. If he says he doesn't like to touch you because of your body, don't let him touch you.0
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Woooow. That's incredibly shallow of him, even if he says he's not shallow. If your weight is unhealthy, and he brought it up, that would be one thing, but just flat-out saying that he doesn't find your body attractive? That's not husband material, if you were considering spending your life with this guy. If he says things like this now, it's only going to get worse as times goes on, and you grow out of the honey-moon phase, and he'll just start being more harsh. Don't ever feel like you need to change how you look in order to please a person. He should love you for everything that you are, including your body.0
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I just think he is not in it regardless "thick or thin, sickness or health, rich/poor," etc. What if you got into a really bad accident 5 years from now, or had a medical condition that added weight...or you became pregnant?....
....i don't know, just not good sign especially since you are just starting out with this guy. His true side will come out more as time goes on.0 -
Maybe you two would make better friends, but as an intimate relationship, this one has fail written all over it.
My husband has loved me and been good to me through fat and thin, through pregnant and post-partum and sicker than a dog. I have no doubt that if I got cancer and lost all my hair and both breasts, he'd still be right beside me, cheering me on, telling me I'm beautiful. I think we all need someone like that You don't know what life is going to throw at you. If he's bothered by a few extra pounds, what else would be a deal-breaker for him?0 -
GET RID OF HIM!! If he doesn't love ALL of you, He doesn't deserve any of you.
Sums it up perfectly.0 -
This guy sounds like an absolute *kitten*. I've dated guys all over the spectrum from athletic to *really* big, and no one has ever said something like that to me (and I'm quite big). In fact, when I told my current boyfriend that I was starting a diet and trying to lose weight, he told me not to lose *too much* because he likes my curves.
Trust me, there ARE men out there that aren't so shallow as to say (or even think) something like that.0 -
He's an *kitten*.
many names come to mind but I will quote yours... Dont waste any more time with him he will never appreciate you for you weather your 50 lbs or 250 lbs.. Cut his *kitten* lose... and find someone who loves you no matter what...
good luck to you 0 -
this has a tendecy to be cliche, but I'm going to say it anyways
"If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best"
moral of the story - get rid of the loser.0 -
Haven't read all the thread but, I think it's time for you to say goodbye, even though it will be hard. He's either shallow or controlling. His comments aren't helpful- they're hurtful. They aren't about his wanting you to be healthier- they're all about him. I'm guessing here that if you were to become your "college weight", he'd find something else to complain about.0
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This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.
On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...
I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.
Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.
I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?
Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.
Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!
I can't imagine spending another second with someone who would say such things. I see no mention of his concern for your health; it's all about him wanting a skinny chick. Seriously, you asked, so I'm telling you. RUN. I get that you dig this guy otherwise, but you will get over him. Run fast and never look back. I mean, what happens if you get married and have a fat little baby? Will he struggle to bond b/c he prefers skinny babies? Ugh, this guy makes me sick.0 -
The question you should be asking yourself is this: "I am in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to me. Why is this acceptable to me?"
^^^^^THIS0 -
I couldn't even make it through your entire post. I am literally just freaking SHOCKED. DITCH THE ZERO AND FIND A HERO!
NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. You deserve to be loved for WHO you are, not what you look like. Imagine in the future, how things will be if your weight is an issue now. Things will ONLY get to be more difficult. He is looking for a victim and he is clearly putting you down. That is verbal and emotional abuse. You deserve more.0
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