Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

TheRealAutumnShiranui

Here is my advice on losing over 100 pounds really quick...............Ditch the guy.
Totally would not be with a "man" who claimed to love me, but couldn't accept my weight.
If you lose weight, it needs to be for YOU, not because someone doesn't find you physically attractive. Totally dump him.
And good for you for trying to better yourself

mockchoc

If you do finally decide to leave him make sure you say that besides his issue of not being attracted to you that you are also leaving because his baby making tools were too small for you to get any satisfaction so you found someone built with the right tools for the job. That'll fix him! :drinker:

MENichols5

Absolutely unacceptable. Leave him, you deserve better!! In no universe should your significant other ever make those kinds of comments to you...he does not truly love you if he "can't touch you because of your body". Find someone who loves you and can't get enough of your body, you deserve that!

4jamaica

If you think the current relationship you have is good, imagine how great a relationship would be where you feel sexy and desireable to your partner. It is absolutely indescribably awesome to have someone really *want* you. Relationships are not just about satisfying emotional wants, but there are also physical wants. You shouldn't settle (and neither should he).

eris1981

What an *kitten*! If he constantly puts you down like that, I wouldn't give two ****s what he's like the rest of the time. Find someone who loves you for YOU!!

I was well over 400 pounds when I met my husband, and when I decided I wanted to lose weight and become healthier, he told me he didn't really care how big or small I was as long as my motivation was to be healthier and not solely for my physical appearance . . . if I weren't motivated by health reasons, he didn't care if I stayed over 400 pounds forever.

mandipandi75

If I = you, Then His rear + my foot = Curb

Drop_it_Like_Its_Hawt

This issue isn't due to your weight - seriously, only 15 lbs. left to lose? This is due to his wanting to control you, without having to commit. Guys don't say stuff like that to women to get them to lose weight. They say it to make them feel inferior, to make them believe that no one else is going to love their body, or THEM for that matter, no matter how much farther down the scale you might manage to get. It's a control thing, same as isolating someone from their friends/family, or taking over their bank accounts, and every bit as abusive as a punch in the gut.

Seriously, it's YOUR fault that he can't possibly be attracted to you because you don't look like you did in college? Later, will it be your fault when you get old? Pregnant? Wrinkled? If it was really a matter of attraction, he'd BE with someone else, not do you the "favor" of sticking around and constantly telling you how inadequate you are. Don't buy it. It's abusive, plain and simple.

Temporalia

Large numbers of red flags are popping up in my head about this guy. That kind of language, to me, is abusive and controlling. I . can't . even . . .

I was thinking the same reading this....i've been there, it's not too late, move on before he makes you believe it's true. It doesn't get better. He should love you for all that you are....

Calif_Girl67

WOW......

In my opinion if a person can't love you for everything about you including your weight or love handles
then they need to move on. With the attitude that he has making comments to you about your weight
says that he is not happy with the way you look. Mind you, even though you say your relationship is great otherwise,
this will be a huge issue for years to come if you marry this guy. Even though he says it won't matter, it will
and you need to see the BIG picture before you even think about marrying this jerk.

Its the same thing with his smoking, How would he like it if you told him to stop smoking because it really bothered
you and that his breathe smelled ? I think he would get really offensive and probably say, You never mentioned the
smoking before.... yadda,yadda,yadda

If he truly loves you then he needs to realize that your body is part of the package thin or chunky, what happens if you
where to have kids and then you didn't lose the weight afterwards and where larger then now ? Is he truly going to stay ?

You have to decide if this is the right path for you to take, If you can deal with his comments and think that he will change
that choice is up to you. If he keeps making comments, I doubt he will ever stop. I myself would end the relationship
and move on to someone who loves ALL of you size and all!! Best of luck to you

hannahsteveeee

I don't know much about relationships but I do know that when you love someone, you'll stick by them no matter what they look like. If he really loved you he wouldn't care about your body; he might encourage you to lose weight but the fact that he's said it might prevent him from committing to you is terrible- what if you put on weight in the future? It seems like a very shallow approach, but if you love him then perhaps you should talk to him about it and try and address the issues?

MochaMixAZ

<clearing throat> Okay, I'm ready to be flamed. In the spirit of my own self-improvement and expanding my horizons, bring it.

Abuse is one thing. Verbal, physical, sexual or otherwise - and shouldn't be tolerated.

Is your mate (boyfriend, not spouse in this case) telling you he isn't attracted to you... abuse? That's not my definition. Is it insensitive, mean, and shallow? Yes. Abuse - again, not in my opinion.

Second - I would like to think I love my husband unconditionally. He's a wonderful, fabulous, sexy man. I would like to think if something horrible happened, say he was burned over 80% of his body, lost his limbs, and couldn't control his bowels... I would stand by him because I love who he is inside. I hope that's what I would do. I'm self-aware enough to know it would be very tough. THAT isn't what I signed on for.

I expect his body to change, to sag, to wrinkle, for him to gain or lose weight. I expect health challenges. I hope I weather them all as he will my changes.

But let's say he cannot. Let's say I balloon back to 550 pounds and he loses the sexual attraction he has for me. Is he really to blame? It would be sad, and we'd like to think it would never happen... but... I wonder. I truly believe we could sustain that, but I have NO doubt he'd be lovingly pushing me toward returning to healthier lifestyle choices. I don't think that's wrong of him - or abusive. In fact, that in itself can be loving.

This sounds like something else. The OP is only 15 pounds away from goal. It sounds more like it's being used an excuse, perhaps. I think that's entirely different. . . and goes back to my original question: What do YOU want out of a relationship and what are you willing to settle for?

I dated a man once that was the opposite. He wanted me fat. When I started losing weight, he told me THAT was unattractive... and he'd bring home all my favorite craptastic foods to keep me eating badly. It was the reverse of what's happening here, but it boiled down to the same thing. I wanted a man that would support me, wanted what was in my best interests, and wanted me healthy.

For me, if I am to be honest, I am at my happiest when both my partner and I are working to be healthy. He looks hotter when he's going to the gym. I find I'm attracted to him, however, even if he's not. But maybe that's not the case for everyone, and I can't say with an open heart they should be labeled evil for it.

It kind of sounds like this guy is trying to be honest with someone he loves and considers his best friend. Is he a bad guy for openly saying, "I'm sorry, I love everything about you but the package?" As I think about it more, I actually respect the guy for saying it instead of acting out or breaking her down in other passive-aggressive ways. It goes back to what is important to you and what do YOU want. I'd like to see the OP say, "Well, I'm all that you love AND it comes in this package"... and then with confidence, have a frank discussion. I don't believe he can change his attraction level. So... maybe being friends with this man is the way to go... and then seek out someone that loves the whole enchilada.

Best of luck to you.

anybeary

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Check out this blog. I think you should listen to its advice.

I am sorry, but this is ABUSE. It will only get worse. This guy DOES NOT love you. He loves that he can make you feel bad about yourself. He loves the control he has over you. He loves that you will hurt yourself (by gaining weight) in his name. I would not be surprised if this guy hits you, or does something incredibly passive aggressive to hurt you if you stand up for yourself and tell him this is unacceptable and you threaten to break off the relationship. This guy needs to feel he controls you emotionally and physically. And he's doing a real good job of it too. Get out while you can. Seriously.

AphelionPDX

Show him this thread. Maybe he'll realize what everyone here is telling you! And, you're beautiful!

moniquedeanne

My husband also makes disparaging comments about my weight on a fairly consistent basis. We've been together 13 years now (only married for 4) we were high school sweet hearts. The way I see it is that my husband is an *kitten* for saying not so nice things about me and my appearance. However, I love him for more than his mean comments so although they do hurt I don't really let them get to me. I know he loves me. I love me so for me that's good enough. If he didn't want to stick around because I'm currently 50 pounds overweight well then he can just go **** himself. I've tried telling him that his comments are hurtful, but he thinks most of them are clever or funny. I just remind him that I could always do better and I mean it too, but I stay with him because I love him. Tell him he needs to either fish or cut bait you are who you are he either loves you or doesn't. Tell him to grow up.

lmbs1966

No. Just no. The dilemma isn't your weight, it's his mindset and his alone. I'm glad to hear that you're secure and confident as you are because you are already and were so even at your highest weight, deserving of someone who can love and accept you in whatever situation you may find yourself. It's one thing to wish for a healthy life for someone you care for but to place conditions on whether love is given based on weight and looks alone, is a recipe for failure sooner or later. We each obviously have an "ideal" person who we would wish to find but perfection doesn't exist and even if it does for a moment in time, it'll likely not stay true over the long haul. We change, we grow and life throws things at us that can take away that "perfection" at any given moment. Only you can decide what you are and aren't willing to accept but I'd encourage you to think carely before investing too much time and energy trying to meet another's expectations. I wish you the best.

couldn't have said it better! Totally agree! best of luck to you.

spamantha57

Wow.

I'm sorry, but you need to leave this guy.

I believe you when you say everything else about him is great, but what he is saying to you is NOT good or healthy! It's not supportive, it's not kind, it's not loving, it is HURTFUL and DAMAGING!

I'm not surprised that you gained weight because of it - take that as a physical sign if the emotional & mental signs haven't been enough for you!

No one should ever be talked to like that, especially by someone who's supposed to be in a relationship with you. He is the OPPOSITE of what that is & what a person needs!

It sounds like you're already a strong person - not wanting to let him get to you, & losing weight FOR YOURSELF. That's probably where you need to be right now. Please believe me when I say that this is very much not a good thing. It's his very poor & damaging mentality & you don't need that & no one deserves that. Words can be just as damaging as anything physical, trust me. Please love yourself enough to walk away.

Turtlesallthewaydown

So right now it's your weight... when you get that to what he wants it to be what comes next? What's the next condition before he will accept you? What happens when you get older, sick, injured?
Not right. Not right at all.

35khris

RUN!!!!!! AWAY....FAST!

stefanieanne14

It's never going to stop. The way he treats you now and his feelings about your body will continue as long as you're together. If you can live with knowing that someday he may leave you or perhaps cheat on you and then blame your weight and also say he warned you, then okay. I say end it because it is only going to cause you pain; you can heal from the heartbreak but his abuse will scar you for life.

kittenbobitten

My opinion probably is a little blunt and may seem cold, but I would drop him. If he has to LEARN to love your body, he doesn't love you. And he is rude. Dude, who made you the authority on life?? I met my boyfriend at my highest lifetime weight of 325 with an out of shape body. He is a fine, fit military man with big muscles and tattoos and he is just all around awesomesauce. He is so supportive of my weight loss and wanting to improve and better myself in my chosen ways but he has never ONCE made negative comments about my body. Honest to god I would walk out right then and tell him to stick it if he did.

I have two exes that made my weight an issue and neither of them worked out for long after that.

Really?? The only thing keeping you from marrying me is my weight? Wow. the only thing keeping me from marrying you is that you are a complete douche and I am way too good for you and I choose not to settle for trash. THAT is how that conversation would have gone down in my house.

You can do so much better and find someone who loves all of you, not just the selective, acceptable parts. What happens when you get old or if you get sick?? Let this dude saddle someone else with his problems, You need to hustle out of thie NOW and find a guy who really cares and will be there for you long term.

Songbird1104

Yikes.

I checked out your profile, and you are such a beautiful woman! It's awesome that you have self-confidence and strength in your personality and character, and you know that you need to be healthy and lose weight for yourself, which you are doing.

This man may say he loves you, but his love comes with conditions! What flaws will he find in you once you reach the number that HE thinks is acceptable? Someone who loves you should support and encourage you, your goals, and your dreams. If he is unhappy with your weight, maybe instead of criticizing and putting you down, he should step up and take a class with you or go for walks with you! Make goals together to eat healthy meals, or work out together. He should never tell you that your are sexually and physically unattractive, or unsexy, or unappealing. That's hurtful, thoughtless, unkind language, and no one needs that in a "loving" relationship.

Examine your heart, and walk away if necessary. Life is too short to settle and accept mediocre.

lilmisfit

Ok, I didn't read all 15 pages of this thread. But, I did read the OP and my first thought was "What a F*cking *kitten*!!!"
No guy who says the things he is saying to you deserves your respect, time, body, etc. He's a F*cking *kitten*, I'm sorry to say.
You are a beautiful woman and you deserve so much more than that. Please don't let this guy manipulate you into thinking that there is anything wrong with you. YOU are amazing. He is an *kitten*. Please get out now.

Retiredmom72

I tried to keep my thoughts to myself. I have been where you are. I dated a guy and thought he loved me. I soon noticed that we never did anything with his friends. He and the boys got together to drink and hang out. After 2 years, I was thinking forever when he broke up with me to get married a month later to a girl "his boys" had introduced him to. He was actually living with me while he was dating her. He told me that he was uncomfortable being with someone FAT. He and his wife had a daughter and he named his daughter the name we had picked out for our future child.

I know you want to be in an honest, loving relationship. He is not it. As others have said, ask him to give up smoking and see what happens. Your weight is not the reason for your dilemma.

Songbird1104

I rarely comment on these types of things since so many other people can more eloquently say what I want to. I wanted to comment on this one though because I've seen the ugly end results of guys like this in my own family. My sister married a guy who was never happy with her weight and she spent YEARS trying to meet his standards. After all that time he ended up leaving her for a woman who was "his ideal weight". She is now bitter and resentful and has zero self esteem and not the sparkling, vivacious woman she once was.

I've been married for 21 years to a man who has seen me thin, fat and everywhere in between. He's seen me at my best and my worst but has never, ever said anything other than he thinks I'm beautiful. Has he ever thought it might be nice if I lost weight? Maybe, probably but he's never said so to me or anyone else that I know of.

Over time your body will change, as I'm sure you're aware. What i look like now will be different in several years (hopefully for the better!) so it's important that he love me for me, no matter what I look like. You say you are losing the weight for you and are comfortable that you can withstand the comments but even the biggest rock can be eroded over time. If you're already gaining weight because of the stress of the situation think how you will be effected long term, physically and mentally. You say you love yourself as you are, find someone else who does too. Unconditional love doesn't ask you to change to make them happy.

^^^
I think this WAS rather eloquent, and perfectly expressed. Well done.

svtrich

dump his *kitten*!! hes still thinking like a high school punk. dont worry you'll find someone much better :flowerforyou:

karensdream

A man who expects you to change for him but is not willing to do the same for you? And even if you did get down to what he says you should be, you will never be enough for him. It will be on to the next thing that he finds you lacking in. Run away while your self-esteem and confidence is still intact. You deserve better, You ARE better than that, and ultimately him. There is someone out there who will love and appreciate you, no conditions.

DKWaggoner

I have to be brutally honest, he is an *kitten*..plain & simple..Find someone who loves you for you..anyone who says " I just dont find your body attractive" but then professes to love you is full of S**T. You deserve respect and unconditional love. Send that man packin'

zombie_porno

RUN!

If he says those things to you, he has no respect for you and NEVER will. It will get worse if you stay. If he really loved you your phyical appearance would not be an issue!! PERIOD!!!!

Um.....I would prefer to be sexually attracted to the one I love. It is a FACT that sexual libido declines with weight gain. it is not an opinion, just science. But for you to say that physical appearance is a non-issue is quite naive.

Hmmm so I guess my fat self ISN'T horny 24/7 since, you know, libido is linked to weight *eyeroll* I must just be imagining my insatiable sexual appetite. Also, you cannot truly fall in love with a person if you are not ALSO sexually attracted to them. You can love parts of them, sure, but to be truly, completely, long-term IN LOVE that naturally means you are sexually attracted to them. All of your comments on this thread basically sound like this, "Men are visual so of course we want hotties, what's wrong with that? You silly sensitive women! How dare you want respect if you aren't sexy?" And yes, I'm being b*tchy because after seeing several of your comments with the same tone, it got old quick.

axialmeow

He is just not that into you.

novabrite

He says you're the best thing that ever happened to him, but is he the best thing that has ever happened to you? He's no good for you. If he's trying to make you feel like **** about your body straight out of the gate, it is NOT going to get better years from now. I have known so many BEAUTIFUL girls who have had crappy boyfriends who made a comment here or there about their butt being fat, their belly not looking the same after kids, etc. etc. and the relationships always crash and burn. Either the gals get enough sense to kick the dude to the curb, or they marry him and it gets even more miserable. No man should ever disrespect you in such a way. It's not like you've let yourself go during the course of the relationship; he saw your size when he chose to date you. If he doesn't love the WHOLE you, he is just with you for other things (sex, money, a place to live, someone to do his laundry...whatever the case may be), and that makes him not a good long-term prospect.