Marriage values in our society....

ninerbuff

I am very disappointed in hearing some news today. Where has everyone's marriage values gone? I'm hearing waaay too much about people having affairs, or secretly meeting someone for "lunch" or "texting and/or talking on the phone" when your spouse is unaware. These are all considered Affairs....whether physical and/or emotional....they are still affairs. I know that if anything like this ever happened to me, I would TRY my best to work through it with my husband....I would....but knowing my personality, it would be the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I feel so BLESSED that I have a husband who has the same marriage values as mine but also dumbfounded and a little (i should say ALOT) disgusted at the things I have seen at the gym and also with the news I heard today. Shame on some people for not putting the importance of their marriage above any "lust" or attraction you may of felt.

Affairs happen unbeknownst to the spouse of the affairee. Marriage doesn't guarantee monogamy. Monogamy is based on the person. If one got married and still plays around, it's usually because fear of loss and not because they were totally committed.


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whatascene

This thread is kinda funny. I'm reading at people nitpicking at certain messages to sort of poke fun at this subject. I love how a mini religious section started. This convo raises a good point. I don't care who you are, a promise is a promise, and if you can't handle it, don't get married! Simple as that! So don't make this woman out to be a judge, she is only making a very true point about something that's really serious. The comments in here only support her theory about how unimportant people treat marriage in society today. Americans are calloused, and everyone is raised to be individualistic and all about "me". We are instant gratifiers to our own needs. I'm not religious and I'm anything but a prude, but I take marriage very seriously because it's a promise to another person, and I value that. But infidelity does happen for other reasons, usually it's some sort of problem in the marriage- those are situations where we should let it stay between the couple. The *kitten* who just like the game... yeah I won't even go there.

whatascene

Oh, and why is marriage "sacred"? It is only a contract really, and contracts are broken or dissolved all the time. Of course, I'm an atheist and don't place the same importance on the word "marriage" many religious people might.

I'm going to jump in and add that no one is under any obligation to enter into a marriage contract or any other type of monogamous relationship in 2013.

If you make a promise, you will be shamed for breaking it. That's part of the glue that's held human society together for several thousand years. But no one is forcing kids to get married at age 12 to people they've never met to form important military alliances anymore- if you don't want to keep a promise, don't make it.

THIS!

There are culturally universal morals....there is human decency. Accountability is going down in our society. No one wants anyone to call them on their crap. This is not to say that the world hasn't come a long way as far as civil rights are concerned...although I'm not sure how floggings, witch hunts, and believing in Jesus and Dinosaurs got mixed up in a thread about somebody saying morality has gone down in a particular area...marriage. The OP was talking about a relationship that was supposed to be monogamous in the particular context. A lot of the more outlandish and psuedo-tough-guy type posters took the situation way out of context. Context is key. If you are in a relationship where you both promised to be with only one person...the other person...and one of you cheats. It's wrong. It's a foul and people have the right to call it what it is. Goodness, some of you guys are quick to pull out your particular soapboxes...hijacking threads to point the finger at people for "imposing" their opinion why you do your best to discredit them and inflict your own opinion. Socially, we've come light years with women's rights, religious persecution, and civil rights in general. Yay. That is wonderful., and I am hoping we will continue to move forward in a lot of aspects. Morally, however, it's the pits because we're adopting the thought that there is no "right" or "wrong". So "judging" is now the high sin...that everyone condemns (isn't that judging also).

SN: I find it funny that the people that are screaming that others are being "Judgy" would probably be the same to go IN (attack, degrade, speak ill of) on one of America's punching bags (i.e. The President, Corporations, NRA)...or for the Politically Incorrect, Colbert Report, The Soup fans sub-pop-culture drones someone who it's popular for the fringe social set to deem uncool/overexposed/awful or a trainwreck....say...Lindsay Lohan. Oh then it would be fine to judge. Just like it's fine to think Christians are ignorant and Atheists are deviants. *sigh*

Omg this ^^^^ tried to say it already, but you did it so much better for me!!!

Contrarian

OP, I'm happy for you that you're so much better than everyone else. You should go buy yourself a little trophy.

Or a cookie.

Or a trophy MADE of cookies

This is genius.

raeleek

I see a lot of...almost hypocritical replies to this post, lol. People are criticizing your "judgmental" behavior but in doing so are being quite judgmental themselves, lol. Everyone has an opinion on something. Not all of us will agree on everything.

I'm not foolish enough to believe that people won't go at each other over a difference of opinion but is seems you're only allowed to have your own opinion as long as it goes along with whatever everyone else is thinking.... :noway:

I couldn't agree more with the person I quoted. The op has a different belief system than some of the other posters on marriage and because of that the onslaught of "unicorn Jesus" and "cookie" comments start. The immaturity and self-righteousness gets obnoxious on some posts.

So let me get this straight? You have your own belief system which you fiercely defend, but the op, and others, are not allowed to have their own? Hypocritical and narrow-minded.

thoseblueeyes

I just had a girls weekend with my friends in Vegas where my friend needed to vent. She told me she was having an affair. Of course my answer to her was " why don't you leave if your not happy" her response was he threatened to kill himself. She has stayed in a unhappy marriage and has had an affair for 2 yrs because she wants to be happy but believes if she did leave her husband he will kill himself like he stated.. Who am I to judge... I get what she is going through, she is trying to save a life but also trying to feel love again.... All I have to say is don't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.....

Contrarian

I see a lot of...almost hypocritical replies to this post, lol. People are criticizing your "judgmental" behavior but in doing so are being quite judgmental themselves, lol. Everyone has an opinion on something. Not all of us will agree on everything.

I'm not foolish enough to believe that people won't go at each other over a difference of opinion but is seems you're only allowed to have your own opinion as long as it goes along with whatever everyone else is thinking.... :noway:

I couldn't agree more with the person I quoted. The op has a different belief system than some of the other posters on marriage and because of that the onslaught of "unicorn Jesus" and "cookie" comments start. The immaturity and self-righteousness gets obnoxious on some posts.

So let me get this straight? You have your own belief system which you fiercely defend, but the op, and others, are not allowed to have their own? Hypocritical and narrow-minded.

I fiercely defend everyone's right to have a trophy made of cookies.

raeleek

I see a lot of...almost hypocritical replies to this post, lol. People are criticizing your "judgmental" behavior but in doing so are being quite judgmental themselves, lol. Everyone has an opinion on something. Not all of us will agree on everything.

I'm not foolish enough to believe that people won't go at each other over a difference of opinion but is seems you're only allowed to have your own opinion as long as it goes along with whatever everyone else is thinking.... :noway:

I couldn't agree more with the person I quoted. The op has a different belief system than some of the other posters on marriage and because of that the onslaught of "unicorn Jesus" and "cookie" comments start. The immaturity and self-righteousness gets obnoxious on some posts.

So let me get this straight? You have your own belief system which you fiercely defend, but the op, and others, are not allowed to have their own? Hypocritical and narrow-minded.

I fiercely defend everyone's right to have a trophy made of cookies.

I can get on board with that.

Hinxx

i see marriage as a social convention and a way to perpetuate mass control. Regarding the cheating aspect, I think if two people made a commitment or "vow" to be faithful to one another then they should, to the best of their ability, keep it. If they feel like they can't fulfill that type of commitment, then it's better not to commit at all.

Affairs have been happening since who knows when, does that make them "right"? No. Does that make them "wrong"? No. So what's the answer then? I don't know. I only know that if I promised my significant other to be faithful to him, I will try to hold on to that promise. Sometimes I wonder if the rules of society have led us to believe that this whole "affair", "cheating" thing is just another way to hold back what might be a natural human urge.

Who knows?

LMT2012

Where i am from, marriage is a contract between TWO people. Society, church, neighbors, etc should not weigh in. Most people have enough trouble figuring out what they want and need. Why don't we all just concentrate on that?

Rebirth08

OP, I agree with you. Marriage is something that for enough people, has been taken lightly. But truth is, many people don't value marriage the way I believe it should be valued in God's eyes. People have eyes for another, even if they don't get sexually intimate. The facebook relationship, outside phone calls. I know - I was one of those people who tried to be wifey then have my own little 'fun' on the side. I was only 19 years old, but if I knew then what I know now, I would have NOT indulged in my desires. Getting a few 'you sure are a pretty girl' compliments led to me giving my body to one too many people and losing a very good man in my life and my family unit.

People think when someone takes a stand, it is judging. Just like very liberal people. If you said 'it is beautiful to see my spouse with another, shame on those who don't share', then you would not want anyone to say you are judging, now would you?

What happened to people being able to share their ideas, and if they are non-liberal, then it's judgement or 'holier than thou' or anything of the like.

If I am given the opportunity to marry a good God fearing man, then I hope to be a good, loving, God fearing wife to him because that's who I want to be now.

Marriage is a life long committement and when things are all ideal (with the exception of infidelity or abuse) then we should keep focus on our partners, love them. Because God has stuck with us, even when we aren't all that fun to deal with.

Rebirth08

I just had a girls weekend with my friends in Vegas where my friend needed to vent. She told me she was having an affair. Of course my answer to her was " why don't you leave if your not happy" her response was he threatened to kill himself. She has stayed in a unhappy marriage and has had an affair for 2 yrs because she wants to be happy but believes if she did leave her husband he will kill himself like he stated.. Who am I to judge... I get what she is going through, she is trying to save a life but also trying to feel love again.... All I have to say is don't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.....

I can understand where your friend is coming from, and when I posted my first reply, I had to stop and think a second. I have been in enough sexual relationships to know that committment is a big deal, and that people change from day 1 of the marriage. 7 years ago, it was good, there were no concerns of this person having a breakdown. But then, time passes, situations occur and people respond in their way, whether positive or negative. And for the married person, their spouse is greatly affected because the two have become one.
If I were listening to your friend reveal this to me, I would immediately be on guard, yes; but I know too that loving someone, you have to listen to them, and from her point of view, what could I really say? It's not right, but I wonder, has she asked her husband to seek counseling or is husband doing nothing to improve the marriage?

Simone_King

I have stayed single because of this reason. I have abstained because of this reason.

The lord will bless me one day with a nice man to marry. If not, I will stay this way.

At least, if I do marry, I can be honest, look him in the eye, and tell him he is the only one. Ever.

As to other people? I can't say. Just putting my thoughts here.

djsupreme6

So OP states an opinion and gets raked because of it...lol...c'mon now..talking about all this judging...you..me..everybody does there fair share of judging others..theres no rule against it....just at different levels maybe...as far as marriage...not me..single here and although I can sit here and say i'm never gonna...I don't really know that...I personally know as i'm sure you all do...many married men and women who are having emotional affairs which have nothing to do with friendship...I guess thats their thing and nobody should judge that right?...in my opinion ...I admire OP for sharing an opinion and showing her personal values...hell theres been people who have left MFP because their husband/wife found out they were putting up certain pics..or sending certain messages to others...and having to deactivate because of something they weren't supposed to do..they're getting their own form of judgement...its called marriage crisis

piggydog

I think the opinions on this thread are pathetic... We have a throw away socitey...Oh your marriage isn't going perfect, throw it away and get someone on the side or divorce rather then work it out....

People jump in way to quick and then give up....

Maybe I'm just really old school but I am not one to go out and have sex just because I feel the need...All my friends do and they wonder why I always have good relationships.. The statement why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free is very true... Why would a man want to date you when your throwing your hooha in his lap begging for it?

My whole generation saddens me

hbrittingham

I just had a girls weekend with my friends in Vegas where my friend needed to vent. She told me she was having an affair. Of course my answer to her was " why don't you leave if your not happy" her response was he threatened to kill himself. She has stayed in a unhappy marriage and has had an affair for 2 yrs because she wants to be happy but believes if she did leave her husband he will kill himself like he stated.. Who am I to judge... I get what she is going through, she is trying to save a life but also trying to feel love again.... All I have to say is don't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.....

Sounds like she needs to get into marriage counseling to help her husband deal with her cheating, She's not doing him any favors by staying with him and sleeping with another person. I don't see her as the martyr she is trying to make herself out to be.

RAQUELINATOVAR

too many losers out there in one way or another. deal with it.

RachelSRoach1

I am very disappointed in hearing some news today. Where has everyone's marriage values gone? I'm hearing waaay too much about people having affairs, or secretly meeting someone for "lunch" or "texting and/or talking on the phone" when your spouse is unaware. These are all considered Affairs....whether physical and/or emotional....they are still affairs. I know that if anything like this ever happened to me, I would TRY my best to work through it with my husband....I would....but knowing my personality, it would be the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I feel so BLESSED that I have a husband who has the same marriage values as mine but also dumbfounded and a little (i should say ALOT) disgusted at the things I have seen at the gym and also with the news I heard today. Shame on some people for not putting the importance of their marriage above any "lust" or attraction you may of felt.

I absolutely agree with you 100%... in fact my husband and I did overcome that and it was one of the hardest things we have ever done. But also one of the very best.

djsupreme6

I just had a girls weekend with my friends in Vegas where my friend needed to vent. She told me she was having an affair. Of course my answer to her was " why don't you leave if your not happy" her response was he threatened to kill himself. She has stayed in a unhappy marriage and has had an affair for 2 yrs because she wants to be happy but believes if she did leave her husband he will kill himself like he stated.. Who am I to judge... I get what she is going through, she is trying to save a life but also trying to feel love again.... All I have to say is don't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.....

WOW!!! this is incredibly selfish...yeah..I judged her...not knowing who he is...or anything about the situation I would say the chances he would actually do that are highly unlikely if she just leaves...however..if he were to find out that she's been running around for that length of time and has been lying and deceitful and downright horrible...then the mental anguish he could slip in to could very well send him over the edge...thats quite the excuse there

chelbel89

I must say that many of you who are calling out the OP as "judgemental" are being just the same. And even worse, you are being immature about what, to many people, is a touchy subject. Oh but wait! That must be judgemental of me too! Well darn! Having an opinion on anything can be deemed as judgemental. At least the OP was honest and tactful.