I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!

huntress74

I have a best friend, let's just call her Jane. She and I both need to lose 50lbs. She constantly is complaining about her weight, and how it affects everything in her life. I know how she feels, because being overweight does make things more difficult. My husband dropped 40 lbs last year by running and changing his diet. Recently I have made a commitment to myself to do the same.

I was sharing an exercise program with her that my husband gave me. I tried to encourage her to do it with my, but she kept saying things like "why doesn't he accept you for you are", and "why does he feel he needs to change you". I recently joined a kickboxing class and she makes off handed comments about it that "the instructor is not qualified", "kickboxing is for men", or she'llchange the subject abruptly when I try to bring it up. I try to get her to walk or do something with me and she always has an excuse why she can't. When I stopped over to visit last week, she sat there in front of me eating food that she knows is a huge vice of mine.

Last night, she called and I told her I was about to do my 30 minutes of walking....10 minutes into my exercise, she shows up at my house with 2 bottles of wine and said that she really needed a friend to talk to because she's having trouble with her husband. For as long as i've known her she has had trouble with her husband. They fight alot, mostly because she instigates it. I think it's because she's unhappy. So I drank two glasses with her. I wouldn't let her open the other bottle. She stayed over until very late and I wasn't able to finish my workout. I went to bed angry at myself and started thinking that she did that on purpose!

This weekend she suggested we go to the city and hang out. When I asked her where she wanted to go, she immediately suggested my favorite restaurant. I know I can't go there because I am trying to stick to my diet. It seems like since I have started working out she had become more and more needy and claims she "needs a friend to talk to" all the time. This always includes wine or beer with her...which totally racks up the calories.

I love her but, I am seriously upset that she is not being supportive and, it seems, trying everything in her power to stop me from being successful. Maybe she has always been this needy, but before I had more time to be there for her. Now my time is more limited. Am I imagining this?

I don't want to lose her as a friend. But, I am afraid if I lose all my weight, that is exactly what will happen because of her insecurities. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

Angie

krisiepoo

Tell her what you wrote here. If you're friends, you should be able to talk about it.

RosscoBoscko

I'd say hard as it is the only real option is to talk to her if you want to keep her as a friend. Tell her how you feel and that you need her support as well as you giving her yours, can't be a one-way street.

If she isn't willing to do this or stop sabotaging you then unfortunately the only thing you can do is cut her loose, or at the very least significantly scale back your friendship.

Skinny_minny_mo

just break up.









kidding!

focus on your goal, surround yourself with positive people who will support you, and dont let her get in the way of your workouts! sometimes we look for excuses as well - hang out with her and suggest cool places to go to where you can be in control of what you eat!

you can totally do this

Mac247

Drink water while she drinks wine. You should be able to resist peer pressure. As for the rest of it, it's up to you to figure out how to let her be part of your life w/o dominating you w/ her wishes and desires.

Mac

kchang77

This is different for everyone. However, sometimes this "journey" in not just about losing lbs., it's about changing your life. If that means shedding a toxic relationship that will ultimately be better for YOUR life, than that weight may the greatest loss for you.

ninerbuff

Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Skratchie

Yep. Learn to say No.

Stop talking to her about what you're doing to lose weight, and when she shows up unexpectedly, politely but firmly tell her she will have to wait until you're done with your workout. Then continue doing what you were doing while she waits.

If you've made a commitment to yourself to get healthy, then stick to it. And change your mindset - it's not a diet. But don't let her or anyone else torpedo your efforts.

ClydeFrogRIP

That's a tough situation. Some people have such a hard time working on themselves that they make excuses constantly for why they can't do something. Don't let her excuses become yours. Next time she shows up while you're exercising, invite her in and continue your work out while you talk. If she invites you to your favorite restaurant, join her and eat something healthy from the menu. Use her excuses as a challenge to push harder. Once she realizes that you're serious about this, maybe she'll change her tune.

Misery loves company. Don't be that company.

skinnyinnotime

Whether it's on purpose or not it's not what you need. So bascially tell her you don't want to drink beer/wine.go to restautrants, if she can't accept that it's her problem and she needs to deal with it.

I say stop worrying about your friend, she's made enough excuses to make you realise she's not going to do anything about her weight so just get on with what you're doing about yours...good luck!!

bsuew

I think as hard as it might be you need to have a talk with her and explain again that you are trying to become healthy and that you'd love for her to join you. If she can't get in that mind set she needs to at least support your efforts. That's what friends are for!
Best of luck!

Lakeswoman

I don't she's a friend, AT ALL.

Make your plan for you and work her in on your time. Your changes, your rules.
She isn't/can't/won't do that for herself or you.
Your determination for changing things for you make you accountable only to yourself...great motivation, BTW.

All the best in this endeavor. If you need support, please add me.

juliemouse83

I agree with Rossco.

I also think that you need to be clear that between x & y hours you will be working out, and if she chooses to drop by you can't stop what you are doing. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but it isn't NEARLY as harsh as what she is doing to you, whether it's intentional or not.

When she sees that you will not stop your workout because she "drops by" she will either leave or join you. Either way you win. :happy:

joybedford

I think you just need to talk to her and tell her how important it is for you to lose weight. Point out to her (kindly) that she is not helping you, say you like to hang out but does it have to involve food/wine. If i am meeting up with my friends I do an extra workout so I have the calories for whatever we are having and don,t feel bad about it. Explain to her that you love her but you really want to change your lifestyle. If she is a good friend she will understand.

Angel37615

Who needs a friend like that? Yes she is sabotaging you, yes its intentional. Distance yourself.

Alisha_countrymama

If she is as good of a friend as you say she is. You should be able to tell her how you feel.

footiechick82

Hi Angie, I have the same problem with the person I live with. However, the difference is, she won't eat so she doesn't pack on the weight because she doesn't work and will sleep all day instead of eat. She is a chef and makes amazing meals and it's hard to say no. She always has wine in the house and asks me to have wine or beer with her. I've learned how to deal with her though...

If she wants to have a glass of wine, she can, I have water. She makes a huge meal, I eat a big salad before and eat only what I can for dinner. If I'm working out and she wants to talk, she needs to watch me and talk to me because she knows damn well I'm not going to stop. Also, if she wants to go out for dinner or do take out, I usually say no OR, I order whatever I know will be within my calorie limit that day. I told her if she wants to join me at the gym or with my workouts she's welcome, but I'm not missing them, they're too important to me.

I've sent her 'healthy' recipes so we can share the food together and she's started to understand she can't mess with my progress because I won't let it happen. If your friend continues what she's doing, you will have to put your foot down and just say, "Listen Jane, I'm sorry we're not on the same page, however, I'm trying to better my health for myself. If you want to join in, fantastic, I will help you on your journey, if you don't want to, then you must let me do this for me." If she can't understand that, she's not a real friend and needs to get a life.

newheart22

Believe me you don't need this friend around you the loving in this relationship is not both ways it may be difficult for you to accept but if she cares about you half of what you felt by stopping your workout and drinking with her, she would at least encourage you.
tell it to her face let her know what you're thinking.
You will find other friends if she wants to go.

krissa3670

It sounds to me like your friend while she wants to lose weight is not willing to do anything about it and doesnt want you to do anything about it either. She sounds very unhappy in her life and only she can fix that. You can be supportive yes but she has to help herself to get out of the situation. Dont tell her when your planning to work out then she cant sabotage you but as said earlier, if she does come while your doing something tell her to wait till your finished and try to talk to her, tell her the things you have said on here. If she takes offence and walks off in a huff so be it. You owe it to yourself and to her to be honest. It will just fester and grow if you dont and then you will just end up exploding at her and that wont help either of you. I hope you find a way to get through this. Good luck with your journey x

sunnyGinnaye

Yep. Learn to say No.

Stop talking to her about what you're doing to lose weight, and when she shows up unexpectedly, politely but firmly tell her she will have to wait until you're done with your workout. Then continue doing what you were doing while she waits.

If you've made a commitment to yourself to get healthy, then stick to it. And change your mindset - it's not a diet. But don't let her or anyone else torpedo your efforts.

this

jillmarie125

Put yourself first, not her.