I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!
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I'd say hard as it is the only real option is to talk to her if you want to keep her as a friend. Tell her how you feel and that you need her support as well as you giving her yours, can't be a one-way street.
If she isn't willing to do this or stop sabotaging you then unfortunately the only thing you can do is cut her loose, or at the very least significantly scale back your friendship.
^This. People who truly love and care about you, will support you, even if they are struggling with stress/relationship issues, whatever. I had a friend who kept making snarky comments and insinuating that I was "working out too much" last year (I was training for 2 half marathons and also trying to keep up with strength training, etc). I finally had a very frank discussion with her...it took her a couple of months, but we were able to repair our friendship and we support each others' goals.0 -
Yes, she is and it happens on a regular basis. This also happens when people are trying to recover from alcoholism or drug addiction. They can not STAND to see the person make these changes in their life because then they will have to take a look at their own.
Empower yourself. Do not allow her to bring you down, you do what you need to do to get healthy and if she wants to join, great, but if not, she can find someone else to join her pity party.
Taking a walk to talk about problems is WAY better than a bottle, or 2 of wine. Put things back in your court on your terms, if she does not like it, she can find someone else to be a victim with.
I have been there and done this. I not only lost the weight and got healthy, I am over 5 years sober. I had to stand up for myself and not allow outside influences to keep me from where I knew I was able to go.
And anther thing, we do not have to keep a friend for ever. Toxic people that thrive on drama (and wine) are best to let go. Just wait and see what is in store for your marriage once you and your husband start being athletic together, OMG ITS AWESOME!0 -
There's some good recent research that demonstrates how obesity spreads through social networks. Here's a lay summary:
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=social-spread-obesity
There is a pattern to her behavior, but it might not be intentional. Then again, it might be. I would just do my best to sticking to my own goals--drink water instead of wine (or drink just one 5 oz glass), eat only part of your food in a restaurant, and invite her to join you for workouts.
I had a casual friend that I used to exercise with. When she cancelled on me one time too many, the friendship dissipated. (I still exercise, and she does not--in fact, she's gained something like 30 lb since we were closer.)0 -
True Story: I lost 45 pounds a few years back and looked so good!! Even people at work that I didn't know well would comment on it so I know the lose was very visible. I was within 20 pounds of my ideal weight. I flew out west to visit my brother and his wife (they have since moved back to the East Coast) and when I stepped off the plane my brother thought I looked fabulous. The entire two weeks we stayed with them my overweight sister-in-law didn't say ONE WORD about my weight loss and it was very noticeable. She never said, "You look great, good job" or anything. It's hard for people to be supportive when they feel bad about themselves.
This is a bit off topic but how many times have we heard, "She changed when she lost weight" or similar comments. I know that we all change as we lose weight because we have more confidence and feel better about ourselves. I know I do.
Sometimes I think it's not so much our changes as those of the people around us. It's true that misery loves company. It's also true that your friend wants and needs to lose weight but just isn't there mentally. To me the weight loss battle is 90% mental, as I have to be "ready for the journey". She is a bit jealous and threatended that you are making the changes that she wants and needs.
If talking is difficult for you, write her a nice letter and send it her way telling her how you feel. Also, cut back on the diet, exercise, healthy talk when around her. I know that when I'm on my weight loss journey it tends to take center stage and it's all I want to focus on. I'm not suggesting you do the same but maybe all the talk bothers her.
I agree with others on here, drink water when she has wine. You aren't 16 years old, if she can't accept that you won't drink with her, something is wrong. We are too old for peer pressure. :-) Go to a restaurant with her and order a salad with dressing on the side. Eat very little all day and save up your calories. Show her that being in a restaurant won't stop your journey. Go on-line to some of the calorie counting sites and research your menu before you go out with her. I do that all the time so I know what I can order once I get to the restaurant. That way no one has to know I'm counting calories.0 -
I don't want to lose her as a friend. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this situation?
Angie
Tell her that.
And stick to your plan. For instance, if she wants to talk, are always available for a talk, but you would like to walk while you talk.
But if she continues to be negative, just let it slide.0 -
Like many have said, tell her how you feel.
Whether it is intentional or not, seems she is trying to hold on to the situation you both have been in for a long time. You have the courage to change but right now it seems she is not ready...that may just be scaring her. She may have a whole different outlook if she realizes how much it upsets you. Give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her...repeat everything you said here. She can either join you for walks or she can wait at home until you are available to talk. It's your responsibility to do what you need to do for yourself AND to tell another adult when they're crossing your boundaries.
If she gives you a hard time or a guilt trip, a little distance may be needed, let it cool down and if nothing changes, it may be one toxic relationship that you no longer need.0 -
She is jealous and doesn't know how to be motivated like you. Talk to her.... if you lose her over it then she isn't who you need in your life anyway. AND you should be able to go to your fav restaurant and eat within your goals... you can do it!0
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Every relationship needs boundaries. I made plans the other day to get together with a friend and instead of our usual dinner I told her I'd be happier meeting for coffee to avoid restaurant calories. I'll have a cup of tea and stay on track. She was totally fine with it and was supportive. Tell her you need that kind of friend.0
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I think you should tell her exactly what you said here... tell her that you're trying to commit to that new lifestyle change and that you can't hang out eating and drinking those bad things you used too, not now... at least until you get to where you're satisfied! ;Tell her whenever she feels like she could join you in the process, she is welcome to do so... Lord knows if she's not committed, she won't do it, and don't let that keep you from achieving your goals!0
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I love her but, I am seriously upset that she is not being supportive and, it seems, trying everything in her power to stop me from being successful. Maybe she has always been this needy, but before I had more time to be there for her. Now my time is more limited. Am I imagining this?
I did not read through all of the replies but the part where you said maybe she has always been this way? Look at that a little deeper. Before you decided to change was downing 2 bottles of wine a normal thing for you guys?
Maybe she feels the recent strain on your relationship and thinks that going out to your favorite restaurant will help bond you guys back together?
I am not saying you are wrong but maybe the one who is really changing is you? Not that is a bad thing you are making a change for yourself but she could probably write a similar post about how much you have changed.
LOL no, she brought one bottle of red and one white as options....not to drink both. I shouldn't have had the two glasses, I know. And, I have told her I wanted to not drink anything for awhile. What irritated me is that she came over knowing I was trying to get my workout in. She knew she would be interrupting it...and to stay so late talking about her problems. I felt obligated as her friend to listen. But, I think after reading all the comments, I'm going to have to be firm with her and not let myself be dragged into her drama all the time.
^^ WHY not have her join you in the workout? if you were going for a walk etc - thats a great time to talk and I agree only YOU can let the sabotage happen, this is not on your friend0 -
Last night, she called and I told her I was about to do my 30 minutes of walking....10 minutes into my exercise, she shows up at my house with 2 bottles of wine and said that she really needed a friend to talk to because she's having trouble with her husband. For as long as i've known her she has had trouble with her husband. They fight alot, mostly because she instigates it. I think it's because she's unhappy. So I drank two glasses with her. I wouldn't let her open the other bottle. She stayed over until very late and I wasn't able to finish my workout. I went to bed angry at myself and started thinking that she did that on purpose!
I hate this happen once and only once. You know what I did? I shut my phone off, shut the ringer off on my home phone, locked my doors, shut off all the lights upstairs and started working out in my basement. I warned everyone I know that between 7 - 8 pm I will not be answering my phone, my emails, my texts, my doors nothing. If someone called they could leave a message on my voice mail I would get it when I was done.
It has not become a known thing that between 7 and 8pm I do not answer anything I am busy working out. I don't have to shut anything off anymore because people learned I was serious.
Maybe she did need a friend, but she could have waited 30 minutes, she would have still needed the friend then too. Personally I think you need to set boundaries, people only step on you as much as you let them.
If she gets mad that you are trying to become healthier than that is on her and not you, and then you need to ask 'was she ever really my friend?'0 -
It sounds like your friend is trying to sabotage you. Will you stop talking with her or attempt to punish her somehow?0
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Yep. Learn to say No.
Stop talking to her about what you're doing to lose weight, and when she shows up unexpectedly, politely but firmly tell her she will have to wait until you're done with your workout. Then continue doing what you were doing while she waits.
If you've made a commitment to yourself to get healthy, then stick to it. And change your mindset - it's not a diet. But don't let her or anyone else torpedo your efforts.
Like this! I had to make my weight loss private- people see and they know, and they ask, that is fine, but by keeping it to myself, I was able to avoid a lot of sabbotage. Also became a Group Fitness Instructor- at a plus size, and told everyone this is hard enough without support- if you don't support me I don't want to hear about it. And the guilt you will get about being too busy- I just tell them you know where to find me- come take my class or come work out with me. We can talk on a treadmill just as easy as over a bottle of wine!
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Lead by example. That is how I feel. If she comes over needing to talk with wine, let her talk with wine, while you sip your water. "no thanks" works wonders. Or tell her "we can talk, but lets go walking while we do it."
Go to your favorite restaurant with her, let her order whatever she wants, you get something healthy. IF she really is trying to stop your efforts, show her it won't work. And that no matter what she does, or where she wants you to go, you will always do the healthy thing for you. Good luck!0 -
Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Couldn't agree with this more.0 -
I agree with JAllen32 lead by example.0
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Yep. Learn to say No.
Stop talking to her about what you're doing to lose weight, and when she shows up unexpectedly, politely but firmly tell her she will have to wait until you're done with your workout. Then continue doing what you were doing while she waits.
If you've made a commitment to yourself to get healthy, then stick to it. And change your mindset - it's not a diet. But don't let her or anyone else torpedo your efforts.
This^^^
The more you change your ways, the more you will learn to not bend. If SHE wants to be part of YOUR life, SHE needs to realize that you are changing and that she either supports it or steps aside.
I would have finished my workout, let her talk and drink, you don't need to sit with her to listen and offer advise. When she suggests a restaurant, suggest one that is a better choice. If you go on doing what you have set your mind to do, she will either step in line or find someone else to be clingy too.0 -
Tell her what you wrote here. If you're friends, you should be able to talk about it.
EXACTLY - also invite her to go for a walk with you. You can walk and talk it helps. And tell her you'd love to hangout but at an activity not a restaurant. Her choice to not do things. your choice to stick to your lifestyle change. Next time refuse the wine, she'll get the point0 -
Stop making excuses for yourself. You're a grown-*kitten* woman!!!! Don't eat food you shouldn't eat, work out when you want to, say no when you need to. Nobody can sabotage you, you do that to yourself.0
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If she's truly your friend, she'll understand what you're trying to say. Maybe if you add you're willing to talk on walks or something, maybe you could get her into it too.0
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Stop making excuses for yourself. You're a grown-*kitten* woman!!!! Don't eat food you shouldn't eat, work out when you want to, say no when you need to. Nobody can sabotage you, you do that to yourself.
This was more about our friendship than me not being able to say no to things. I knew I was making a bad choice by allowing her to interrupt me like that and drinking the wine, but I chose to do it anyway. I was angry at myself, but more hurt when I realized that she may be doing these things intentionally. I was looking for some advice as to what experiences others had with the "unsupportive friend" situation, that's all.0 -
If you are a non-confrontational person like me, perhaps first you try the tactic of going to her for help, act like you're the one that needs her. Leave out all the things she's doing to sabotage you and give her ways to help you. Obviously if that doesn't work you will need to confront her. At that point maybe every time she has a need or suggestion (needs you as a friend and shows up with a bottle, or suggest you go to the city and blow your diet, etc) adopt the "yes, but" tactic - say you'd love to listen to her problems, but lets do it while we take a walk (find a nice lake to walk around or something, maybe even treat with non-fat frozen yogurt or something), etc.
Good luck! Be strong!0 -
Misery loves company, and she is trying to keep you as her company. Have you defended your husband when she implies he's pressuring you to lose weight? I think 50lb. will be easy to lose compared to the battle of asserting yourself. Once you have calmly told her just where the boundaries are, she will either respect them as a good friend will, or leave in a huff as I strongly suspect she will. Perhaps it will spur her to re-evaluate the way she treats her loved ones. Or she will find another person to suck the life out of. Either way, no more problem.0
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true enough you can help her and talk to her anywhere you guys go. dosent have to be in a bar or resturant. she can go for a walk with you or something productive. sounds deep seeded. i hope that you just lead a great example and inspire her to follow.0
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The next time she needs to talk and shows up unannounced, invite her on a walk with you and you can talk it over and get fresh air at the same time. Be firm, say that you are going to walk with or without her. If she really needs to talk that bad she'll agree, and be happy for the distraction. Don't ever let her railroad you into doing something you don't want to do, or OUT of something you do want to do!!!0
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I could be completely off... but it sounds as if maybe she is not ready to make the changes needed to loose the extra weight and maybe she is jealous that you are at that stage? If you loose weight, maybe she will feel as though she will be alone as the "fat friend"?
I have a co-worker who is very over weight (to the point that she wants to get the slimband surgery but is too overweight for them to preform surgery) and although she has expressed MANY times that she wants to go to the gym, she just won't go. Always an excuse. For the past 2 years that I've known her (maybe longer), there has always been a reason she can't go. Spa day, road trip, not enough money for gym, book she wants to finish reading, I've heard every excuse. She ASKS me to go to the gym, then says she can't. Some people are just not ready to change for whatever reason. Sometimes weight loss is not just physical, but involves dealing mentally with some issues as well.
In terms of my co-worker I just decided to stop waiting for her to figure out her life, and started at the gym myself. She still mentions the gym, but always has an excuse still so I know she's just not ready. But she's my co-worker, not my best friend meaning it's easier for me to say "no thanks on the restaurant, I already have gym plans".
Maybe find a restaurant with some healthier options and suggest meeting there? As a best friend she should be open to that. And new restaurants can be fun! Alot of places have menus online as well so doing some quick research could help you plan your meal to fit your calorie goal Best of luck! 0 -
I would possibly address it in the least confrontational way... if that doesn't work... than don't talk to her about diet and exercise anymore. unfortunately it sounds like she's not ready to accept that lifestyle, and is angry and jealous that you have done so. i feel your pain. I go through it with people i know as well. it's a shame its your best friend. xo0
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if shes always complaining about how her weight makes her feel bad talk to her about the benefits of doing all these excercises and eating better together, have each other as a weight loss buddy to make it fun, maybe you could persuade her to go these classes with you! you could talk out her or you problems over healthy food and water, wlking will become fun aswell and you'll both see a difference, however if this fails you then need to tell her that your there for her but cant not excercise or workout because shes bought something new in to eat and drink whilst you discuss her problems if shes a good friend she will understand and maybe by watching you will change her mind good luck0
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Sorry have not read everyone elses comments - basically just tell her you are happy to listen, and spend time with her - WHILE YOU ARE WAKING......there is no better way to get rid of stress and clear the head than while walking, so you two girls can go for a long walk - and talk at the same time ;-)
If that does not work set some clear boundaries around times you are booking out for your fitness - and times you are available to "sit on the couch"....
In the end friendship is a two way street - none of my friends have an issue with my lifestyle - I have set clear boundaries - and they are managing to work around them - as much as I always try and work around their limitations with kids, husbands and availability of baby sitters...0 -
I am not a confrontational person, I would really shy away from getting in her face about it. That's just me though,
Instead when she shows up when you're working out just tell her if she wants to talk, she's going to have to do it walking/jogging/lifting weights. Or at least talk while she watches YOU do it. If she shows up with wine, let her drink. You drink water instead. Match her glass for glass and it'll just benefit you because your sucking down so much water.
When she starts making comments about your husband wanting you to change, interrupt her and correct her that "NO, he's SUPPORTING me in the changes i want to make because he loves me." YOu could even stick in a jab (I'm not passive aggressive at all) and add "That's what friends/loved ones are supposed to do, SUPPORT your goals."
IF she wants to go into the city and eat tell her that's fine, but before you go you'll need to hit the gym for an extra workout to fit in that favorite restaurant and she can either join you or pick you up there after.
I say lead by example and don't let her derail you.0
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