I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!

whitleynoel

Try and tell her that you are very serious about getting yourself into shape. If she is a real friend she will be supportive and kick your *kitten* every step of the way. If she you still think that she is trying to sabotage you may have to call her out on it. She may try and turn it around on you like you are a bad person for insinuating that or she may not realize that she was doing it. May sound harsh but a friend wouldn't do that to you and you may be better off letting on go if they do.

LovahLorah

Support her emotionally, not physically. You do not need to drink the beer or wine to talk. If she has a problem with it, then you know that she is doing it on purpose, and probably jealous of your great choices! Misery loves company, just be stronger than the misery! Once you start making the choices that are best for you, and avoid temptation, you will feel great about it. She will eventually see that she cannot sabotage you! A real friend would want to see you succeed, and she probably wants you too, but is probably also unhappy with herself and finding it difficult to watch someone better themselves! If you would normally drink beer and wine and go to those restaurants with her, then your lifestyle change is also affecting her if you aren't doing those things with her anymore, so maybe she is slightly bitter, not necessarily a bad friend, but she didn't pick these changes herself. Try picking out some things that fit within your calories ahead of time, and you can continue to go to those places. Or try to think of some alternative things you can do with her, and plan them out so she doesn't show up at any hour, if you are making the plans then you are in control!

FunnyGirl613

Try to see it from her side. You suddenly "got the religion" and to her, you may be coming off as preachy. Take the diet/exercise talk off the table. Talk about everything else. If you mention something in passing regarding *yourself*, like "I'm not available next weekend" and she asks why you can reply, "because I'm taking a running class" etc.

If she wants to go to a restaurant and you don't feel ready for it yet, then say, "I can't go out to eat. I'm not control of my eating enough yet to do that. How about a museum? or a movie? or something else?"

If you're exercising and she needs a friend to talk to you can say, "I need to finish my exercise but I can listen to you while I finish. Besides you probably just need a listening ear anyway." "I would love to have some wine but I would rather spend my calories elsewhere."

It's true she may be feeling like once you lose the weight you won't be her friend anymore. You need to ally those fears.

Also as I can say on my side, with maybe one exception, all my friends have been HUGELY supportive. Every time I exercise, lose weight, etc they are there cheering me on. They all see *I* want it so bad and so they want it for me too.

Much luck with this situation and keep up the good work! It's hard in the beginning...

bgelliott

You need to be honest with her and tell her that it needs to stop. No matter how much you care about her and your friendship, your wellbeing comes first. If she cannot support you in your journey then she is not a true friend. I lost several friends in my journey and honestly, I'm ok with it because I'm much happier now then I was back when I was overweight. It's a tough thing to do but if you want to reach your goals, you have to be honest with her.

sunnyinaz78

You have every right to put yourself, your health and your peace of mind first!

A year ago when I started my new lifestyle of physical, mental and spiritual health, I had to drop all of my drinking buddies including my now ex-husband who was my partner in drinking and eating (and other unhealthy habits) Doesn't mean you can't have the occasional good time, just means you have to draw the line, stick to what keeps you motivated and people in your life who truly want the best for you will respect you for it. The universe has a way of bringing similar people who share your energy and good intentions to you!

huntress74

This is different for everyone. However, sometimes this "journey" in not just about losing lbs., it's about changing your life. If that means shedding a toxic relationship that will ultimately be better for YOUR life, than that weight may the greatest loss for you.

My husband is saying the same thing. He doesn't think she is a genuine friend. I am beginning to agree. I guess I may have to start being more stern in telling her no. She just gets so upset and tries to make me feel guilty, like I am trying to hurt her feelings. I is becomming very annoying. I am a pretty nice person, but she is really starting to push those boudaries. Maybe I should just let her go or at least distance myself from her while I am in this stage. And they other guy is right...I shouldn't fall into peer pressure. However, it is the most difficult for me now because I have just begun, so my willpower is not super strong at this point. I don't know it is sad, but this may be the beginning of the end of our friendship.

bokodasu

Aw. She's probably not (purposely) trying to sabotage you, she's trying to protect herself.

Start off from a position of sympathy - anything she says about you, realize she's really saying about herself. "Why doesn't he accept you for who you are" is a big flag - she's worried about her husband, not yours. And the favorite restaurant thing, that's probably just because she knows it's your favorite restaurant, not that she's thinking, "muah ha ha, I will take her to this place she's always enjoyed and she will overeat and my master plan will finally come to fruition!" Once you have that firmly in your head, it's easier to ignore what she's saying, because you'll know it's not personal.

That said, you can't let sympathy for her be the boss of you. If she wants to drink a bottle of wine, that's on her - you don't have to drink it with her just because you feel bad for her. If she needs a friendly ear, you can listen just as well walking as you can drinking. If she wants to go to your favorite restaurant - either go, and enjoy her company, or suggest somewhere else, or say you'll catch up with her next time. (You're going to have to learn to eat reasonably there eventually, unless you want to avoid it for the rest of your life, so it's not a bad idea to deal with that sooner rather than later.)

Of course, there's no guarantee that she won't up and abandon you because seeing you change reminds her that she feels bad about herself. But a little benefit of the doubt on both sides, and just trying to be kind, goes a long way.

SamAdams125

What a frustrating situation! Have you tried talking to her and asking her to respect your decision to be healthier? You don't even have to justify it as losing weight but just doing things that are healthier for you. If you've been best friends for awhile she should respect your decision. However, there are people out there who need to find the negative in everything. I know someone who has a friend like this who ALWAYS complains no matter what. Everything becomes about them and their issues, many of which are self inflicted.

In an ideal world, you could talk to her and she'd realize she's taking advantage of your friendship (by interrupting your workout to ask you to drink wine because you're "friends") and you two can take on this healthy lifestyle together. If that doesn't work, you may need to be firm with her. The next time she shows up and you're mid-workout, ask her to wait in the kitchen/dining room until you've finished or ask her to join you and then you can drink water while she drinks her wine. If she still insists that you must be at her beck-and-call because of your friendship, you may need to spend some time thinking about what this friendship has to offer you and what it's taking away from you (including in terms of lost time and taking in her negative energy). I'm a huge fan of pro/con lists since putting it on paper makes it much easier for me to figure out.

I'd imagine that she's not consciously sabotaging you, but her actions will get in the way of your success if things continue as you have described. With the person I mentioned earlier, she had to acknowledge that her friend would always be very negative and complain a lot so she decided that she would hang out occasionally with her but stopped being the one to suggest hanging out. That may be one option for you. If all else fails, limit your time with this person if all she's doing is creating stress for you.

If you have some free time, I'd suggest picking up a copy of Chalene Johnson's book: Push. In part of the book, she helps you identify the people in your life that stress you out and hold you back (including those friends she calls "wounded birds" that us kind hearted folks just want to help!) and a kind way of either telling them how you feel about your relationship and working to bring you closer together while you get what you want out of the friendship or slowly spending less and less time with them.

Good luck! I hope she takes your friendship seriously and treats you with the respect she expects from you!

kevinkidder

I have seen this type of behavior many times. My ex-wife included. She was unhappy about herself, but misery loves company. It is easier to accept your own faults if you know that someone else shares them. If she feels that she is going to lose you as a 'misery buddy' she will have to face herself and let the reality sink in. In some ways, in the back of her head, she is probably hoping that you will fail, so she can say "See? You are just like me. Don't worry, we will be this way together".

That doesn't mean you can't be friends, but it does mean that you and her need to have a serious heart to heart so that she can fully understand and appreciate how important your goals are to you, and that as your friend, you have expectations of her being supportive.

Being successful in anything take work, discipline and the support of those around us.

Good Luck!

Kevin

caitlyn30

you just need to learn to say no to her. whether she is doing it on purpose, hard to tell. if you have gone out to the restaurant to do something on other occasions then its just something you guys did together, doesn't mean she's doing it on purpose.
just learn to say no. no i don't want wine, no i don't want to go to that restaurant. no, i can't stay and talk about your husband unless of course you want to do it walking with me.

kookanddra

The main thing to remember is that this is your life!!! Its not hers, its not your husband's, its yours. You are losing weight and getting healthy for no one other than you. If she calls you and you tell her your getting ready for your work out, let her know that you'll be available after that. If she shows up, just let her know that you would really like to finish. Once you do, that beer or wine will not appeal to you at all. Trust me on that. I love to drink but if I work out, all I want afterwards is a big glass of water not beer. If she wants to go to your favorite restaurant just remember every restaurant has a salad bar. Most are absolutely amazing!!!! She might need reminding that everything you are doing is for you. don't let her insecurities become your problem. Everyone has enough of their own. No one needs to take on the problems of another all the time.

KenosFeoh

I think that's a really crappy way for her to treat you. I've seen it before, though. She isn't ready to make the changes that you are making, and she wants you to stay stuck with her.

I don't know if the friendship can be saved, but I hope it works out for the best for you.

huntress74

You have every right to put yourself, your health and your peace of mind first!

A year ago when I started my new lifestyle of physical, mental and spiritual health, I had to drop all of my drinking buddies including my now ex-husband who was my partner in drinking and eating (and other unhealthy habits) Doesn't mean you can't have the occasional good time, just means you have to draw the line, stick to what keeps you motivated and people in your life who truly want the best for you will respect you for it. The universe has a way of bringing similar people who share your energy and good intentions to you!

Yes I have recently became friends with some new people. I get emails from them asking me to join them on bike rides. My friend was all over that about how dumb they look in their spandex and that they were good two shoes, even calls them "Lance Armstrong wannabies". I really think they are good people though and they are always positive. My friend is just becoming increasingly bitter and negatiive. I actually feel sorry for her. I think I may just start easing my way over to these new friends...as sad as that seems. I never thought I would have to choose like this.

YoungDoc2B

Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Pretty much this

schicksa

Hi Angie, I have the same problem with the person I live with. However, the difference is, she won't eat so she doesn't pack on the weight because she doesn't work and will sleep all day instead of eat. She is a chef and makes amazing meals and it's hard to say no. She always has wine in the house and asks me to have wine or beer with her. I've learned how to deal with her though...

If she wants to have a glass of wine, she can, I have water. She makes a huge meal, I eat a big salad before and eat only what I can for dinner. If I'm working out and she wants to talk, she needs to watch me and talk to me because she knows damn well I'm not going to stop. Also, if she wants to go out for dinner or do take out, I usually say no OR, I order whatever I know will be within my calorie limit that day. I told her if she wants to join me at the gym or with my workouts she's welcome, but I'm not missing them, they're too important to me.

I've sent her 'healthy' recipes so we can share the food together and she's started to understand she can't mess with my progress because I won't let it happen. If your friend continues what she's doing, you will have to put your foot down and just say, "Listen Jane, I'm sorry we're not on the same page, however, I'm trying to better my health for myself. If you want to join in, fantastic, I will help you on your journey, if you don't want to, then you must let me do this for me." If she can't understand that, she's not a real friend and needs to get a life.

THIS. It sounds like you're friend has a lot of toxic energy around her and that she's pretty negative about everything. Until she figures that out and changes her attitude about life, it's not something you're going to be able to change or fix. Focus on YOU and make yourself a priority. If she comes around, she'll come around. If not and she just keeps dragging you down, you may want to re-evaluate how close you want to be with her.

ianlikesholidays

Hi
Unfortunately many people are like your friend. They don't want you to lose weight or have success in anything because it makes them feel inadequate.
Even people who should care are often so consumed with their own hidden jealousy, that they seeing you fail pleases them.
Despite putting on an act, many people are actually "not very nice".
Ian

Juliejustsaying

Honestly, I would just stop including her on your fitness journey. She isn't ready to make the changes herself...obviously. Put a little distance, don't mention your diet or exercise...it does sound like she is sabatoging, but I don't think she is conciously doing it.

If she is a really, really good friend, then you should print off what your wrote and show her...otherwise, I would just avoid the topic with her, and if she shows up again during your 30 minutes exercise, make her wait until you're done...

Angela_2_Oh

Your friend is not sabotaging you. She is tempting you. There is a big difference.

While I agree her behavior is unkind, especially since you admit you're feel very vulnerable, she is not forcing you to go to your favorite restaurant, or to drink wine with her.

You're aware that it's *you* that is making the choices to eat or drink things that don't fit the lifestyle you desire, and I applaud that.

Now you have to make a conscious decision to either separate yourself from your friend and her behavior, or learn to be stronger in her presence. Because she's not going to change. You have tried repeatedly to impress upon her the importance of what you're doing. She's not listening. She's overweight and unhappy, and unwilling to take steps to improve that. And she wants you exactly the same way.

Honestly, the choice is yours, and yours alone to make. I know what choice I would make.

Good luck.

Itzli

I agree. I'd be honest with her. If she pops over in the middle of your workout, keep going and tell her to either come with you or hang tight til you get back. My husband is like that sometimes. I just stand my ground and in a good way let him know I need to focus on me. Its even to he point I make two dinners. One for myself - low cal/healthy and yum! And one for him..

hollyberry2012

I was sympathetic with her tll you said she is the one who mostly instigates the fights between her and her husband. That pretty much gave me a clue to her personality type.

I think u know what kind of talk is coming down the pike