I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!
Replies
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The main thing to remember is that this is your life!!! Its not hers, its not your husband's, its yours. You are losing weight and getting healthy for no one other than you. If she calls you and you tell her your getting ready for your work out, let her know that you'll be available after that. If she shows up, just let her know that you would really like to finish. Once you do, that beer or wine will not appeal to you at all. Trust me on that. I love to drink but if I work out, all I want afterwards is a big glass of water not beer. If she wants to go to your favorite restaurant just remember every restaurant has a salad bar. Most are absolutely amazing!!!! She might need reminding that everything you are doing is for you. don't let her insecurities become your problem. Everyone has enough of their own. No one needs to take on the problems of another all the time.0
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I think that's a really crappy way for her to treat you. I've seen it before, though. She isn't ready to make the changes that you are making, and she wants you to stay stuck with her.
I don't know if the friendship can be saved, but I hope it works out for the best for you.0 -
You have every right to put yourself, your health and your peace of mind first!
A year ago when I started my new lifestyle of physical, mental and spiritual health, I had to drop all of my drinking buddies including my now ex-husband who was my partner in drinking and eating (and other unhealthy habits) Doesn't mean you can't have the occasional good time, just means you have to draw the line, stick to what keeps you motivated and people in your life who truly want the best for you will respect you for it. The universe has a way of bringing similar people who share your energy and good intentions to you!
Yes I have recently became friends with some new people. I get emails from them asking me to join them on bike rides. My friend was all over that about how dumb they look in their spandex and that they were good two shoes, even calls them "Lance Armstrong wannabies". I really think they are good people though and they are always positive. My friend is just becoming increasingly bitter and negatiive. I actually feel sorry for her. I think I may just start easing my way over to these new friends...as sad as that seems. I never thought I would have to choose like this.0 -
Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Pretty much this0 -
Hi Angie, I have the same problem with the person I live with. However, the difference is, she won't eat so she doesn't pack on the weight because she doesn't work and will sleep all day instead of eat. She is a chef and makes amazing meals and it's hard to say no. She always has wine in the house and asks me to have wine or beer with her. I've learned how to deal with her though...
If she wants to have a glass of wine, she can, I have water. She makes a huge meal, I eat a big salad before and eat only what I can for dinner. If I'm working out and she wants to talk, she needs to watch me and talk to me because she knows damn well I'm not going to stop. Also, if she wants to go out for dinner or do take out, I usually say no OR, I order whatever I know will be within my calorie limit that day. I told her if she wants to join me at the gym or with my workouts she's welcome, but I'm not missing them, they're too important to me.
I've sent her 'healthy' recipes so we can share the food together and she's started to understand she can't mess with my progress because I won't let it happen. If your friend continues what she's doing, you will have to put your foot down and just say, "Listen Jane, I'm sorry we're not on the same page, however, I'm trying to better my health for myself. If you want to join in, fantastic, I will help you on your journey, if you don't want to, then you must let me do this for me." If she can't understand that, she's not a real friend and needs to get a life.
THIS. It sounds like you're friend has a lot of toxic energy around her and that she's pretty negative about everything. Until she figures that out and changes her attitude about life, it's not something you're going to be able to change or fix. Focus on YOU and make yourself a priority. If she comes around, she'll come around. If not and she just keeps dragging you down, you may want to re-evaluate how close you want to be with her.0 -
Hi
Unfortunately many people are like your friend. They don't want you to lose weight or have success in anything because it makes them feel inadequate.
Even people who should care are often so consumed with their own hidden jealousy, that they seeing you fail pleases them.
Despite putting on an act, many people are actually "not very nice".
Ian0 -
Honestly, I would just stop including her on your fitness journey. She isn't ready to make the changes herself...obviously. Put a little distance, don't mention your diet or exercise...it does sound like she is sabatoging, but I don't think she is conciously doing it.
If she is a really, really good friend, then you should print off what your wrote and show her...otherwise, I would just avoid the topic with her, and if she shows up again during your 30 minutes exercise, make her wait until you're done...0 -
Your friend is not sabotaging you. She is tempting you. There is a big difference.
While I agree her behavior is unkind, especially since you admit you're feel very vulnerable, she is not forcing you to go to your favorite restaurant, or to drink wine with her.
You're aware that it's *you* that is making the choices to eat or drink things that don't fit the lifestyle you desire, and I applaud that.
Now you have to make a conscious decision to either separate yourself from your friend and her behavior, or learn to be stronger in her presence. Because she's not going to change. You have tried repeatedly to impress upon her the importance of what you're doing. She's not listening. She's overweight and unhappy, and unwilling to take steps to improve that. And she wants you exactly the same way.
Honestly, the choice is yours, and yours alone to make. I know what choice I would make.
Good luck.0 -
I agree. I'd be honest with her. If she pops over in the middle of your workout, keep going and tell her to either come with you or hang tight til you get back. My husband is like that sometimes. I just stand my ground and in a good way let him know I need to focus on me. Its even to he point I make two dinners. One for myself - low cal/healthy and yum! And one for him..
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I was sympathetic with her tll you said she is the one who mostly instigates the fights between her and her husband. That pretty much gave me a clue to her personality type.
I think u know what kind of talk is coming down the pike0 -
You got a lot of great advice and just reading through your last response - her insecurities isn't something you can fix for her and aren't your responsibility. Indulging her only gives her the idea that she can continue to do this to you and to continue to make the relationship one sided (tipped toward her it seems). What friend doesn't want to encourage your path to be healthy! Keep yourself around people who are positive and supportive - you deserve that for yourself.0
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she didnt force 2 glasses of wine down your throat... you chose to drink it... next time, just say no thanks.
and you can still eat out, you just have to make better choices...
that being said, not all relationships are for ever, and that includes friendships - people change, you have changed, so maybe its time to move on with new friendships?0 -
First, she's afraid she's going to lose you if you lose the weight. Second, your discipline shines a spotlight on her current lack of discipline. She is demonstrating a lot of co-dependent behaviors. Best thing is to be direct. You are each responsible for your own behaviors and choices. How you react to one another is also an individual choice. If she is really a friend you can set boundaries and maintain the friendship.0
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She doesn't sound like she is being a very good friend. She is being selfish and seems to only want to talk about her problems and doesn't care what you are trying to do. I would give her some space, if she calls tell her you can't hang out for a while.0
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Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Pretty much this
Yes, I realize that. I except responsibility for drinking those two glasses of wine. But it is more complicated because I may end up losing a friend over this. My post was intended on getting feedback on how to handle this type of situation. It is looking more and more like I am going to have to make some hard choices if things don't change.0 -
She can only sabotage you if you allow her to. Stick to your goals, and maybe she will catch on. If you lose her as a friend because of this, then she wasn't much of a friend anyway. True friends are supportive.0
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Tell her what you wrote here. If you're friends, you should be able to talk about it.
^^I agree with this. Also, I would stop preaching to her about your exercises and diet. Go walking on your own. Obviously, she is not "into" it right now. She has a lot on her mind..and you are her friend that she could depend on and trust.0 -
It's not just best friends. We all have a ton of people around us that are constantly asking questions like "hey, you wanna go out to lunch, we're all going to get pizza" or "let's go out for drinks & wings after work" (when you know you have to go home & work out) or "come on over for dinner, I'm making mac & cheese & ham steaks." You have to learn to just stick to your routine, say no, go home & work out, etc. You always have better, more fun options (and excuses) why you can't stick to your diet & exercise, but in the end, it's all about you and no one else. Don't blame your friend or anyone else if you can't say no or stick up for yourself when it's your time to exercise.0
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I'd tell her exactly how you feel, what you expressed here in this thread. Do so, and you'll find out pretty quickly just how good of a "friend" she really is.
My $0.02.0 -
Enough with the "sabotage" title!!! Sabotage means to secretly attempt to ruin something. It isn't like she is slipping lard into you salad. Tell her what's what and move on....jeeez.0
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I've been the you before and I have been the best friend before. When I was like that I was miserably unhappy and felt like I was stuck in my situtation and I would at the time subconsciously ruine my friends efforts. After I reflected it turns out I was scared of change and that I wouldn't not only be able to do it myself but also not be included in my friends life anymore. It took a while but I saw the light.
Some things you could do if your not ready to lose that friendship yet is tell her she can talk to you about her problems while you walk but you have to "get er done!" (so to speak)
When she wants to hang out in the city find a location where you have to walk a lot to do activities, take stairs instead of elevators and when you go to lunch (which it is okay to do) tell her you want to try a new place (one that has a ton of healthy options) and don't tell her about the healthy aspect.
When she makes her snarky comments about people working out and how ridiculous they look counter that with some comment about yeah but I bet they look great with those outfits off
If she is still persistant after a while then you can slowly start easing away from her and who knows she might see the light of day and start improving her self or she may let it happen. It's time to improve not just your diet but all aspects of your life. you have already taken the hardest step now you just need to keep going- you got this lady! :flowerforyou:0 -
She is thinking of herself when she does and says these on things and she is not being a friend to YOU. Tell her you need her support as living a healthy active lifestyle is very important to you. If she can't support you then she's just not the kind of friend you need in your life. That sounds harsh but we need to surround ourself with positive people to the extent possible. If you really want to keep the friendship put some limits on it-be busy with your own stuff and have a regular time you spend together. Don't talk about your fitness with her if she is not interested and supportive. When she is ready to hear about it she will let you know. Saying no to someone and letting them down does not make you a bad friend-you have to look at how fair they are to you in supporting what you want and need.0
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Yep. Learn to say No.
Stop talking to her about what you're doing to lose weight, and when she shows up unexpectedly, politely but firmly tell her she will have to wait until you're done with your workout. Then continue doing what you were doing while she waits.
If you've made a commitment to yourself to get healthy, then stick to it. And change your mindset - it's not a diet. But don't let her or anyone else torpedo your efforts.
^^THIS^^
I would also stop trying to encourage her to exercise. You've tried. You've done your part. Noone can motivate her if she doesnt want to change and it sounds like her constant resistance to your efforts to help her is chipping away at your efforts to stick to your goals.
In weightloss and fitness: ME FIRST is not just OK but necessary.
By the same token if she is not motivated she doesn't have the duty to plan her life around your diet. Of course it would be nice if she tried to support you. She is taking a ME FIRST approach. You should too!0 -
Enough with the "sabotage" title!!! Sabotage means to secretly attempt to ruin something. It isn't like she is slipping lard into you salad. Tell her what's what and move on....jeeez.
Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction.
No mention of secrecy there.0 -
Enough with the "sabotage" title!!! Sabotage means to secretly attempt to ruin something. It isn't like she is slipping lard into you salad. Tell her what's what and move on....jeeez.
We've been friends for many years. It will not be that cut and dry. Our children are friends as well. And, I do think that some of the things she does and says is definately deliberate, while others may not be. Either way, it is a difficult situation. I know she's unhappy with herself, but I am affected by what she says. I'm not a brick wall.0 -
Drink water while she drinks wine. You should be able to resist peer pressure. As for the rest of it, it's up to you to figure out how to let her be part of your life w/o dominating you w/ her wishes and desires.
Talk to her about it and if that fails as someone else said concentrate on you and work on yourself. The rest will eventually fall into place.0 -
Tell her what you wrote here. If you're friends, you should be able to talk about it.
This^^^ Also, she may be afraid that if you lose all the weight and become more active in your lifestyle you won't have any room or time for her. She may need your reassurance that you aren't going anywhere (as long as she supports you).0 -
Angie,
Your "friend" is intimidated by you. Misery loves company. How dare she question your husband's intensions, i.e., why doesn't he love you the way you are? Not a good [at least, not a secure] friend. A good friend would cheer you on, even if she didn't have the willpower or courage to make a change for herself. Don't let anyone get in your way. The next time she says something negative about your kickboxing teacher or your husband's supposed negative intensions, say to her "why aren't you supporting me? I'm at least TRYING to get healthy and change my life?" If she continues to be a bad influence, I know in AA they say, "Keep away from the people, places and things that made you drink [eat]". Don't go to a restaurant where you have memories of over-eating until you feel you are in control of ordering what is best for you to eat.
Good luck. You’re on the right path. :flowerforyou:
Cyd0 -
If she isnt willing to work out with you then she needs to let you work out and have you to talk to either while you work out or when you have free time. If the only way she will talk to you is while drinking wine or beer kindly refuse and drink water. If she cant talk to you without you drinking with her then i would say she is that great of a friend. I do agree that if you are friends you can talk (without alcohol) and discuss it.0
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I had a friend like this too. I refused to let her get in the way of things and when she came over I made her wait until I had finished working out (after giving her the option to join me) eventually she joined in and ended up losing a bunch of weight. She has since admitted that I was making her feel guilty about not making the change she needed to make. Keep powering on but let her know how important this is to you, eventually she will get the hint and who knows - maybe she may join in too?!0
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