I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!
Replies
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Distance yourself and maybe spend more time with your hubby who has proven to be a great influence. It's difficult but doable! Hopefully your friend will follow suit but you need to put yourself first in order to accomplish your goals! Good luck!0
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Sounds like a misery loves company kind of situation. Do what's right towards your fitness/health goals and don't screw up your diet/exercise for anyone else. There are ways you can be there for her that don't have to involve drinking/eating/not exercising as well. If you think you can express your concerns to her and she won't become offended then do that. If not, maybe suggest other ways you can help? Like...talk on the phone with her during your walk if she wants to vent that way you can still listen and exercise at the same time.0
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If she is indeed trying to sabotage you, I suspect that you will see less and less of her as you start to show success.0
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Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
^ MMMMHM.
I have a friend who is the exact same way. Know what i do? Ignore it and continue on. She needs a friend then thats fine, I'll be there with my water and my healthy foods and when she leaves i will go back to my exercising. I've actually been at her house late night to listen to her problems all the while doing situps and pushups on the floor.0 -
I think you should tellher how you feel and what you think she is trying to do. She may be trying to sabotage you, or you could be taking it out of proportion. You can talk to her about her problems while she drinks and you don't. Just because you are doing something doesn't mean she has to, just like just because she is doing something doesn't mean you have to. I think you need to set rules and stick with them. Such as you said she came over when she knew you were exercising. If you have a peep whole don't answer the door. Or tell her she will have to wait for your work out to be over, or she will have to talk to you while you work out. You should tell her that this is important to you and that some things she is doing are making it harder for you to do what you need to do. Sitting down with her and talking about how she could support you and what she doesn't feel like she should have to do to support you could help you keep your friendship or realise if the friend ship is no longer right for you.0
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She's not trying to sabatoge you necessarily, she's sabatoging herself and misery loves company. You stopped at her house, she can eat what she likes there. She showed up at your house with 2 bottles of wine 10 minutes into your walk, sit her down, let her drink wine, and finish your walk while letting her talk. If she says it's distracting, then tell her that she knew coming over that you wouldn't be able to give her your undivided attention until x time, and until then you just need to do what you just need to do. She needs to talk, you need to walk.
As far as the restaurant thing, maybe she's doing it on purpose and maybe she's just trying to do the things that you normally do together. Why can't you go to your favorite restaurant and modify a meal in a manner that fits into your current food requirements.0 -
Sometimes we are too close to our friends to see how they really are, and it takes someone outside of the equation (like your husband) to point it out!My husband is saying the same thing. He doesn't think she is a genuine friend. I am beginning to agree. I guess I may have to start being more stern in telling her no. She just gets so upset and tries to make me feel guilty, like I am trying to hurt her feelings. I is becomming very annoying. I am a pretty nice person, but she is really starting to push those boudaries. Maybe I should just let her go or at least distance myself from her while I am in this stage. And they other guy is right...I shouldn't fall into peer pressure. However, it is the most difficult for me now because I have just begun, so my willpower is not super strong at this point. I don't know it is sad, but this may be the beginning of the end of our friendship.
Good luck with your situation, and the truth is that not all friends are meant to be 'forever friends'...they just serve different purposes at different stages in our lives, and sometimes you have to let go of them and move on!0 -
Not all your friends and family are going to be supportive, but it does not mean you still can't be friends. If she talks about her weight and complains a lot then you can help find things that motivate her and you. Simply talk to her about how you are feeling, don't let her control your new lifestyle. You take control of the situation. If she has a problem with what you want to do with your life, distance yourself from her. Sometimes your friends need to realize how important your friendship is to her and if she does need you as much as she thinks.0
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First off, only you can sabotage you.... unless your friend has you hogtied and is shoving food into your mouth... that is all on you... Secondly, sounds like she is trying to justify her own actions (previous and current). Misery does love company after all.0
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I love her but, I am seriously upset that she is not being supportive and, it seems, trying everything in her power to stop me from being successful. Maybe she has always been this needy, but before I had more time to be there for her. Now my time is more limited. Am I imagining this?
I did not read through all of the replies but the part where you said maybe she has always been this way? Look at that a little deeper. Before you decided to change was downing 2 bottles of wine a normal thing for you guys?
Maybe she feels the recent strain on your relationship and thinks that going out to your favorite restaurant will help bond you guys back together?
I am not saying you are wrong but maybe the one who is really changing is you? Not that is a bad thing you are making a change for yourself but she could probably write a similar post about how much you have changed.0 -
I have a girlfriend that's kind of like this too... My advice.
Say no to dinner. If you can't, then order something within the calorie range.
When she brings over wine. Have water. If you can't... Then keep your own bottles on hand that are lower in calories, like reds. Have one glass then STICK WITH THE WATER.
If she comes over and you're about to walk or work out. Then do it and let her talk while you do it. You said that the workout is only 30 minutes... She can wait 30 minutes. When I'm texting my girlfriends I'll say "Be back in 30. I'm gonna do the shred before it's too late." If she is a true friend she will understand.
Misery loves company... Don't be the company. I'm not saying don't be her friend. I could never give up my friend even if she were trying to sabotage me! But you have to stick your grounds. No one can sabotage you but you. You just have to be firm.0 -
This.
Sounds like she is extremely insecure, and a self saboteur, and is endeavoring to sabotage your weight loss, whether it be intentionally not.Hi Angie, I have the same problem with the person I live with. However, the difference is, she won't eat so she doesn't pack on the weight because she doesn't work and will sleep all day instead of eat. She is a chef and makes amazing meals and it's hard to say no. She always has wine in the house and asks me to have wine or beer with her. I've learned how to deal with her though...
If she wants to have a glass of wine, she can, I have water. She makes a huge meal, I eat a big salad before and eat only what I can for dinner. If I'm working out and she wants to talk, she needs to watch me and talk to me because she knows damn well I'm not going to stop. Also, if she wants to go out for dinner or do take out, I usually say no OR, I order whatever I know will be within my calorie limit that day. I told her if she wants to join me at the gym or with my workouts she's welcome, but I'm not missing them, they're too important to me.
I've sent her 'healthy' recipes so we can share the food together and she's started to understand she can't mess with my progress because I won't let it happen. If your friend continues what she's doing, you will have to put your foot down and just say, "Listen Jane, I'm sorry we're not on the same page, however, I'm trying to better my health for myself. If you want to join in, fantastic, I will help you on your journey, if you don't want to, then you must let me do this for me." If she can't understand that, she's not a real friend and needs to get a life.0 -
I love her but, I am seriously upset that she is not being supportive and, it seems, trying everything in her power to stop me from being successful. Maybe she has always been this needy, but before I had more time to be there for her. Now my time is more limited. Am I imagining this?
I did not read through all of the replies but the part where you said maybe she has always been this way? Look at that a little deeper. Before you decided to change was downing 2 bottles of wine a normal thing for you guys?
Maybe she feels the recent strain on your relationship and thinks that going out to your favorite restaurant will help bond you guys back together?
I am not saying you are wrong but maybe the one who is really changing is you? Not that is a bad thing you are making a change for yourself but she could probably write a similar post about how much you have changed.
LOL no, she brought one bottle of red and one white as options....not to drink both. I shouldn't have had the two glasses, I know. And, I have told her I wanted to not drink anything for awhile. What irritated me is that she came over knowing I was trying to get my workout in. She knew she would be interrupting it...and to stay so late talking about her problems. I felt obligated as her friend to listen. But, I think after reading all the comments, I'm going to have to be firm with her and not let myself be dragged into her drama all the time.0 -
In my opinion the best thing to do is say, 'yes I will be there for you. but right now I will be working out so I will see you at (**insert time') and finish up by saying ' i wont be in, but as soon as I am we will talk'
When it comes to drinking say 'sure Let me get you a glass' and dont pour one for yourself or get yourself a glass either.
Losing weight is about having a healthy attitude to all areas of your life, and making a lifestyle change in every area also. As long as you are prepared to do that, then your friend will see the changes and realise that you are unshakeable.
I went through a smiliar situation like this, and it takes time and willpower but your friend will see that you are committed and will soon realise that trying to derail you won't work and she will back off.
There is no point in letting go of a friendship because your friend is struggling with her own issues, just remember they aren't yours. It is hard to see someone you are close to acheiving when you want the same for yourself but haven't quite got there yet. Try and think of the situation reversed, she is probably afraid to lose you, upset she isnt finding motivation herself, and depressed that her life isnt changing in a positive way and all of this behaviour is just a mirror of this.
At the end of the day she is your friend and she loves you0 -
Be honest with her. Also, don't feel guilty about saying something like "I'd be happy to talk with you in 45 minutes when I finish my exercise - I just don't want to stop in the middle."0
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I agree that talking to her is great advice, prolly better than what I'm going to suggest, but here goes. I'm in a similar situation except you two seem closer than we are. We aren't really "show-up-on-your-doorstep-unannounced-I-really-need-to-talk"kind of friends. But we have been pretty good friends for my entire life. Our moms have been friends since before we were born so she is my oldest friend. We have both always been overweight. She is close to 400 lbs, possibly over. I never comment on her weight. She is extremely sensitive about it, I don't blame her. When I lost weight in 2007 she almost stopped being my friend. I gained it back and gained my friend again too. Now we're back to barely speaking. At her mom's house on Christmas Eve she ignored me. A big group of our friends are training for a 5k together. I didn't wanna ask because nothing fitness/diet related is ever well received. Our friend Heather asked and she just responded no thanks. That was good. But 2 weeks later when Heather told her the Y (where 3 of us are members) had $0 joining fee in Jan only this friend got upset and responded that staying fat forever is working for her just fine, thank you. I don't feel like i can say anything to my friend because she doesn't want to change so watching others change is uncomfortable and painful. Shes depressed and unhappy.
That being said, if you are close enough to talk about anything you should be able to discuss this. Just beware and choose your words carefully. One word on the subject is threatening to destroy a lifelong friendship in my case.
Try to look at it this way. If she isnt on this diet with you, dont try to talk to her about it. Dont look to her to keep you accountable. Dont tell her you are about to workout if you think she will try to disturb your workout. Just tell her if it comes up that you have things to do. If she shows up unannounced and you are 10 mins in, tell her to come in and wait but that you have to finish. Even the best of friends should respect boundaries and that she clearly interrupted you. If you want to go out, it's ok when planning something to say you dont want it to include food. Just say, no I dont want to eat out, i'll eat before and suggest an activity rather than a restaurant. Movie, shopping, etc.
Also, be very very honest with yourself BEFORE you talk to her. What are you doing that upsets her? Are you talking diet or exercise 24/7? If she isn't dieting she doesn't want to hear the play by play of your calorie intake, or hers. Stop it, she wants her friend back. Do you feel the need to tell her every time you lose a pound or inch? It's hard NOT to be jealous when your friend is boasting her success in your face. Even if that isn't what you intended. Same goes for fitting back into your old jeans and calling her up to squeal in her ear. Let her come to you. And even then give her the update you might give your boss if she asked. You'd keep it short, you'd share your fave 2 successes but you wouldn't gush. And you'd maintain your composure rather than the jumping up and down celebration that screams I EITHER WON THE LOTTERY OR LOST 10 LBS (but no one can tell which.) If she is a good friend she will come around. But the more you shove it down her throat the longer that will take.
One final thought. You can't whine to her, complain how hard it is, tell her how sore you are from a brutal workout. That is like complaining to your mom about your hubs and then wondering why shes cold to him. Stop it. She isnt on the diet train with you so you can't commiserate together. If you truly want to do this for yourself, dont mention how much your hubby is supporting/encouraging you. In her ears it's getting scrambled and she hears hes pushy and wants to change you. I'd she just wants her happy friend back, make sure you aren't complaining and making her wish you'd just leave this health kick behind. Once she sees your results she may even join you.0 -
The more you let her push you into things, the more she will do it. Start putting your foot down. You dont have to be mean about it, just let her know you are sticking to your plans. If she shows up during a walk, tell her she can tell you about her problems if she joins you on the walk, its called a compromise. Dont feel pressured into drinking, tell her she can have all she likes, to you just dont feel like drinking right now. Good Luck, hope you guys work it out!~ ;-)0
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LOL no, she brought one bottle of red and one white as options....not to drink both. I shouldn't have had the two glasses, I know. And, I have told her I wanted to not drink anything for awhile. What irritated me is that she came over knowing I was trying to get my workout in. She knew she would be interrupting it...and to stay so late talking about her problems. I felt obligated as her friend to listen. But, I think after reading all the comments, I'm going to have to be firm with her and not let myself be dragged into her drama all the time.
Next time, you should say something like "Cool! Let's go walk and chat at the same time" and head toward the door. You can tell her it's fabulous that she decided to come over and join you so now you can enjoy the great outdoor with a companion. If she says she's not in the mood, tell her "Oh, ok. I'll jump on the treadmill. Tell me all!" Basically, act like it's just a natural part of your life. If she's supportive, she'll go along with it. Heck, direct her to the kitchen and tell her to pour herself a glass and common up to the exercise room so you two can chat. As for the wine, just tell her that you've been stuffing yourself silly with water and it would be bad for you as it might cause cramps but encourage her to enjoy it!
If she supports you, you won't have any issues and she'll go along with it; if not, she'll clearly dig in her heals and try to say/do anything to stop you from exercising and that's when you can give her the tv remote and tell her to "get comfy" as it may be a while before you finish. You can even act disappointed that she's not interested in talking while you exercise.0 -
I can really sympathize, as My best friend tries those tricks on me too. I had to decide what was most important to me, my friendship or my life. What kind of friend can I be if I let my health go. Remember, we are in a fight for our lives. I have been on this journey to healthy living for about a year and 8 months. Got a call from my friend the other day, and finally, she is no longer undermining my. We had a good talk, but avoided the weight topic. Hopefully, she is starting to come around, cause I have missed her a lot. However, my life/health is more important to me than anything. Hoping we will get past this soon and that she can be a good friend again.0
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I have been in that situation. If you are committed to a healthy lifestyle, it will be easier if you can surround yourself with positive, healthy people. This doesn't mean she can't be your friend anymore, but you need to set clear boundaries. If she shows up when you are headed out the door, tell her she can join you or not, but make it it clear you are sticking to your program. If she chooses not to join you, arrange a time and place to meet. Make your decision and stick with it. After showing up unannounced a few times when don't drop everything will send a clear message. Your circle of friends might change over the next few month, but from what you are saying, is that such a bad thing? You can friend me if you like!
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Tell her what you wrote here. If you're friends, you should be able to talk about it.
^^^ This!! 0 -
I am in a similar situation. My husband weighs 130lbs I weigh 200 on a good day. Every time I am doing good he will purposely say lets go grab an ice cream lets go out to dinner and when I say no he will grab some delicious food and eat it right infront of me shoving it in my face taunting me to have a bite. If I say I am going to the gym he says things like why its not doing you any good. My mom says he is trying to keep you fat so you wont leave him because he knows you will if you get skinny. So I believe people do try to sabotage your goals whether it be on purpose or unintentional. Misery loves company! Keeping doing you and dont let any one stop you!0
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I have a friend who also tries to sabotage me but in a different way - she wanted to lose weight and has always had incredible will power and when she- sets her mind to it she really goes at it - she encouraged me to lose weight and then a few weeks later said she had gone off track and would encourage me to eat all kinds of junk and I would believing that we would start dieting again together - then I did not see her for a few weeks and noticed that she had lost a whole load of weight so I came to the conclusion that she encouraged me to stop dieting but carried on herself - I think she sees it as a competition and when she saw that i was losing the weight and getting more confident in myself she didn't like it - when I approached her about it - she obviously denied it and quickly changed the subject. i haven't told her that I have started with Diet Chef but she did see that I purchased an elliptical cross trainer - I just made the excuse that my family got it for me for Christmas but that I haven't had time to use it - now all I keep getting is text messages telling me what she has eaten and how the diet has gone out the window and she needs to get back on track when she can get her mind around it . It's not nice to have to tell lies to your friend but I feel that if I told her that I had gone to Diet Chef to try and improve my health she wouldn't give me the support I need and would actively encourage me to break my diet.0
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You are going to have to lay out the ground rules or get another friend.Because friend support one another and not hurt them!JS0
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I also committed to a healthy lifestyle and while I continue to lose weight and exercise my friend who always starts with me but doesn't stay the course is still complaining about losing her weight. I can't be discouraged by talkers who never take control of their own lives. She will ask me to go out to eat and I tell her where I can eat, not the fatty food places and if that isn't good for her I just say no thanks.
I just turned 50 and became a empty nest Mom and I am interested in getting into healthy shape and being active....I have more years to go and have no intentions of sitting on the couch watching TV the rest of my life.
I have gotten bolder and decided I am important enough to be healthy and happy. YOLO (you only live once)
Good Luck on your journey!0 -
Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. Heck, if she wants to eat all that stuff in front of you, let her. Wants to go to your fav restaurant? GO! Eat what YOU want and let her see that eating right is NOT a hardship for you. I think that's the best way to go...fight fire with fire. 0 -
She sounds like I friend I used to have. When I started cleaning up my life, my dearest friend seemed very threatened and even angry by it. Eventually things came to a head and the friendship ended. I realized that her lack of self esteem kept her from ever truly caring about me. She was just using me to have someone around who made her feel like she was ok. She didn't want to change her unhealthy habits, and me changing mine made her feel even worse about herself. That is the epitome of poor self esteem.
Don't let your friend derail you. If you suspect that she is trying to sabotage the healthy goals you have put in place for yourself, its because she is. That is a mean and cruel thing to do, and you don't need friends like that.0 -
Listen all ya'll, it's a sabotage!! Sorry, but no one can sabotage you unless you let them. Then it's called self sabotage.
Next time ask her to walk with you while she vents about her husband. Tell her it will make her feel better and when you're done you can have the wine. Start inviting her to workout with you more and offering her support. Maybe she will reciprocate when she sees that you can both help each other out.0 -
so...i think she is trying to sabotage herself, and as a result bringing you down. let her know 'no, we can talk and walk, walking is really therapeutic, it has been known to help with depression even, blahblah', all you can do is encourage her to join you, or leave her in your dust and be there when she is ready for the support. it doesn't sound like she wants to discourage you in my opinion.0
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I would just stick with the original plan... I think you're doing great! When she comes over for a "friend", just stick to your guns and turn down the glass of wine or beer and be VERY vocal about it. The more you talk about regulating yourself, the easier it becomes to turn things like that down. Or if you have a workout to do, don't let her stopping by change that. She can either choose to go for the walk with you, or sit there knowing that she's not doing anything to help herself. Rub it in her face if you have to. Holding a conversation can still be done while doing push-ups, or walking, or whatever you want to do as a workout.... it's only going to make her realize what she's NOT doing for herself. You can have a friendship AND a healthier lifestyle, you just need to remember who you're doing it for. : ) Good luck!0
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